24 – Give or Take

“When the going gets tough, the tough get blogging.”
Christopher Buckley

Sooooo sorry to have been gone so long! Brimming with ideas, just a lack of typing time/ambition. So let’s get started!!

As I may have mentioned a few hundred thousand times, my husband Al is a Procrastinating Perfectionist. Everything must be done just right. At the very last minute.

Oddly enough, his favorite TV show is “24”. Must be the same reason I watched “Friends”. No way was I ever going to be that attractive or popular, so might as well live vicariously through someone else. Someone getting a million dollars an episode, no less.

I can’t help but envision what would happen if Al were called upon to save the world in a mere 24 hours.

(Voiceover) The following takes place between 6 and 9 a.m. ….
(Dink, Dink, Dink)

Al: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…..

Ok. So he’s not a morning person.

(Voiceover) The following takes place between 9 and 10 a.m. ….
(Dink, Dink, Dink)

(Sound of shower running)

(Voiceover) The following takes place between 10 and 11 a.m. ….
(Dink, Dink, Dink)

Al: Are we out of bacon?
Me: You need to save the world! The terrorists have the President! The First Lady is trapped in a ravine! Tony Blair was calling your cell phone the whole time you were in the shower!
Al: Yeah, justaminute. Do we have anymore bacon?
Me: Yes.
Al: Where?
Me: Don’t make me open the fridge.
Al: Do you have to make a federal case out of everything?
Me: There won’t be a federation of states left if you don’t act!
Al: I’ve got thirteen hours! Would you relax? (spying the morning paper from across the room, upside down from him) Oooh! A Jumble.
Me: Your nemesis has a dirty bomb!
Al: Dirty Blonde? You mean your friend Ashley? Is maxim a word?

Yep. We’re doomed.

Now of course, Al thinks I could do no better…

(Voiceover) The following takes place between 6 and 7 a.m.
(Dink, Dink, Dink)

Al: You need to save the world! The terrorists have the President! The First Lady is trapped in a ravine! Tony Blair was calling your cell phone the whole time you were in the shower!
Me: You realize the only reason I’m getting out of bed is the thought of the Vice President ascending to the post.
Al: Hurry!
Me: I’m not saving anybody with hair like this. There will be reporters, cameras…

(Voiceover) The following takes place between 7 and 8 a.m.
(Dink, Dink, Dink)

Me: Ok, does the navy blue pantsuit with the spectator pumps say “I’m here to save the day”, or should I go with the red “La Femme Nikita” silk dress? Is this purse too “Kill Bill”?
Al: Why are you asking me? I’m an engineer!!
Me: Yeah. Good point. (spying the morning paper from across the room, upside down) Oooh! Lingerie sale at Watertower.
Al: Your nemesis has a dirty bomb!
Me: The fiend! Can I borrow your truck? Do we still have some of that Weed N’ Feed left?
Al: Why?
Me: Oh, like I’d scratch one of my cars…

Yep. We’re doomed.

Already Lucky!

Bet on the Kentucky Derby tonight. Well, with a horoscope like this, wouldn’t you?

“Count your winnings carefully to avoid being cheated. Some of this money will be yours to spend, but some of it goes to others.”

Oooh! The IRS?

So I bet $2 across the board on a half-blind horse. I mean, how many times do you get an opportunity to do that?

So here are my picks, if you care to play along:

Storm in May – $2 across the board
Cowtown Cat - $2 to win
Curlin - $2 to place

Stopping at the OTB parlor is a real experience. I think I contracted lung cancer just making my way to the window. Our local radio station was there at a little folding table. Last year I charmed them out of a hat. This year they had a little slot machine set up that you spun to win a prize. It was cute; they had recording artists and their disc jockeys as the little icons to match and win. I didn’t win, but the guy gave me the Kentucky Derby 133 T-Shirt anyway. Yay! Ok, it was an XL, that’s all they had, but who looks the Free Gift Horse in the mouth?

Feeling extra lucky, I decided to buy a lotto ticket too. I asked at the grocery store desk and they directed me to an automated machine by the exit. A very scary sign informed me I must be 21 to play. Not to mention literate enough to read it, and let’s face it, how many lotto addicts are? Also, the big fat legal notice was way up high. The feed the bill slot, not so much. Again, a great way to discourage the average six-year-old.

Wish me luck!

Oh, also stopped off at Kohl’s to return a broken earring and get a gift card. I earned the Congressional Medal of Retail Restraint by not buying anything past a replacement pair of earrings. Whoo Hoo! Watch that savings account grow. New Corvette, here I come.

Cruise Control

(Actual conversation)

Me: I forgot my cell phone at home today honey!

Al: So?

Me: So if I get in a hideous car crash on the way home from work tonight, you won’t know until the State Police call.

Al: Why would you get into a crash?

Me: Well, with that much of my attention on the road, who knows what could happen?

It's So Wrong to Like this Song (But I Do)

Right now, he's probably slow dancin' with a bleach blonde tramp and she's probably gettin frisky

Right now he's probably byin' her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey

Right now he's probably up behind her with a pool stick showin' her how to shoot a combo

And He don't know... I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up four wheel drive

Carved my name into his leather seats I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights

Slashed a hole in all four tires

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Help Wanted

Healthy, Disciplined, Self-Motivated team player with 20-20 vision sought for exciting job opportunity. Risk-taking a must. Heavy travel required, frequent flyer miles not accumulated.
Those whose idea of pushing the envelope is a post office job need not apply!

Low, Low, Cure Rates, Everyday!

Ah, the evil genius that is Wal-Mart.

Foiled (temporarily) in their attempt to enslave the 90% of Americans it counts as customers by branching into the banking business, Wal-Mart just announced plans to expand the number of health clinics it operates.

Hmmm...this only has my best interests at heart, right? Or should I say only interested in my best heart as in a "spare part" for Sam, kept in suspended animation in amniotic fluid somewhere in the bomb shelter several stories below the Bentonville store?

How handy. A clinic to tell their employees no need for a sick day. To push certain high-margin drugs. To become another cog in the Medicaid/Medicare wheel. To be the 'low bidder' on Public Assistance care.

H2 O, Oh, I'm Hoping....

Astronomers announced yesterday that they have found the most Earth-like planet yet outside of our solar system, with a climate that could support water and life.

"This one is the first one that is at the same time probably rocky, with water, and in a zone close to the star [a sun] where the water could exist in liquid form," said Stephane Udry of the Geneva Observatory in Switzerland.

"We have estimated that the mean temperature of this super-Earth lies between 0 and 40 degrees Celsius [32 to 104 degrees F]," Udry said.

As my loyal readers know, I've been seeking that off-the-beaten-Milky-Way-get-a-way for some time now, and perhaps the lovely Gliese 581c is it!

581c? Is it a non-prophet planet? I hope so. Fundamentalism is just one of the many fun Earth customs I'm fleeing from. 20 light years away? No problem. I've been meaning to catch up on my reading.

I saw an astronomer on CNN quip something along the lines of, "if there was life on this planet, we would have heard from them by now". What? Get real. If it's intellegent life, they're hoping to duck behind their star before we can contact THEM.

Do you blame them?

More Math...

HOBOKEN, N.J. (AP) — He's a veteran of long-distance sailing voyages in all kinds of weather. She's never sailed outside the Hudson River.

But together, 55-year-old Reid Stowe and his 23-year-old girlfriend, Soanya Ahmad, embarked Saturday on a voyage that they intend to take them three times around the globe and last 1,000 days and nights — non-stop, with no port calls for supplies or a walk on solid ground.

They set sail Saturday afternoon aboard his 70-foot, two-masted schooner, named the Schooner Anne, from a Hudson River marina in North Hoboken, in bright sunshine and temperatures in the 70s.

"This will be my first time sailing ever — except for up and down the Hudson River," said Ahmad, the New York-raised daughter of immigrants from Guyana.

"I haven't gotten seasick — so far," she said with a grin.

She may be tested when the yacht rounds South America's Cape Horn, an area infamous for waves as high as 100 feet, as well as icebergs.

OK, third graders, get out your pencils!
55 yr. old + (tons of money X 70 ft. Yacht) = 23 yr. old girlfriend

Here's their blog: http://1000daysatsea.blogspot.com/

Numbers in the News!

Seventeen consecutive days without an appliance uprising!

Too Beautiful To Blog!

Sorry, but it's much to nice to sit inside and type.

(Unlike some people, I can't do it in the yard)

Very busy today; shampooed the carpets, the dog, the cat, and the Acura. Yes, I bathe my cat. I'm a clean freak. I make Mr. Monk look like a slob, OK?

Polished the Acura and the summer wheels are on! I'll try to post later this week, as rain is predicted. Started taking water aerobic classes again, now that the weather is nice, so perhaps I'll be busier during the week than I expect.

Indy seems pretty perky, but far from cured. I remain optimistic for his recovery. Turtles are awake and I'm offering them food, but not many takers yet.

Just read Happy Birthday or Whatever by Annie Choi. Funny! Although I couldn't take her parents, she obviously writes about them with affection. A-

Awww...poor little gal

At the right you will see a new widget for the Great Turtle Race!

Each turtle can be added to your blog as a sidebar icon, and I'm assuming that counts as "a friend" that has selected to support that turtle.

I am my turtle's only friend!

That sneaky Stephanie Colburtle (in honor of Stephen Colbert) has 36 already!

Revenge of the Auto Abused!!

TOKYO: The mayor of Nagasaki was shot and killed Tuesday night in a brazen attack by a gangster who was apparently enraged that the city had refused to compensate him after his car was damaged at a public works construction site, the police said.

The mayor, Iccho Ito, 61, was shot twice in the back at point-blank range outside a train station said Rumi Tsujimoto, a Nagasaki police official.

(the shooter) Shiroo reportedly clashed with Nagasaki city officials in 2003 after his car was damaged when he drove into a hole at a public works site. He tried unsuccessfully to get compensation from the city after his insurance company refused to pay up, according to Japanese broadcaster NHK.

I haven't been able to document exactly what (or should I say which, the guy's a billionaire) car he was avenging, but I do feel his pain. I found this excellent article about the cars of the Yakuza!

Do take a moment to read about status trends and safety considerations of mob bosses. Very fascinating! The article seems to suggest Shiroo may have been taking vengeance for an American-made Cadillac. How quaint! Much better than a Toyota Camry.

Quick Look at the News

It’s taken me so long to go through the day’s headlines; I don’t have time to blog at all!

Or perhaps I’m just too disgusted to type. Whatever.

Here’s a few quick highlights:

“New Development to Feature 1,400 homes on 1,100 Acres”

The name? “Wildflowers of Prairie Grove”. I’m sure all those homeless wildflowers appreciate it. Oh, wait they can just uproot. They can keep the prairie Buffalo company in heaven. Guess I should be thanking my lucky stars it wasn’t 2200 homes on 500 acres, right? Yeah, I’m such a half-full type. Half full of poison, that is.

“Water Authority and Tax Go Down the Drain”

Thank you, 5,211 people who recognized the need for clean water and controlled growth, and hats off to the 4,622 who were willing to help pay for it. As for the other 18 thousand or so of you…See you in Hell. Oh, wait, we’re there already, thanks to all of your development and careless pollution. Never mind. You win.

“Gunman Left Clues to Violence in His Writings”

Professor Carolyn Rude is quoted as saying Virginia gunman Co Seung-Hui’s writing was so disturbing that he had been referred to the University’s counseling service.
Hmmmm…. How did Stephen King ever graduate?

“Cheney: Threat of Nuclear attack in U.S. city ‘Very Real’”

This is the only ‘statistic’ the man has ever cited that I believe. Sadly, the only reason is: Dick Cheney. Threat of Dubya ever pronouncing nuclear correctly? Nil.

To Flush or Not to Flush – That is the Question

Or: Why Didn’t I Just Self-Medicate on the Web?

I feel so awful! Poor little Indy the fish has been suffering since Easter, and I’m such an idiot!

One morning, Indy couldn’t rise to the top of his bowl. He lay on the bottom, gasping for air, looking pathetic. I tapped on the glass, and he made a mighty effort to come to the top and beg for food. Poor little guy. They only live about three years, so let’s just say I was a bit hesitant to visit a veterinary fish specialist. I decided to wait.

Amazingly enough, he didn’t die. But was he in pain? How to tell? He still had an appetite, and didn’t kick off. So, I guess I’ll just wait. And wait I did.

I knew just enough to determine he was experiencing a swim bladder problem. I figured it occurred when I transferred him to a clean bowl of water. Perhaps being in the net caused distress? Too much air?

Unfortunately, I didn’t think to consult Web MD. I mean, if Maytag Sucks can fix your appliance, why didn’t I Google “Defective Fish from Siam” or something?

In the meantime, I bought another Betta. Nice light red shade, active. Either Indy would appreciate a friend, or die of a broken heart when he saw his ‘replacement’. Oh, like you haven’t wondered if the Mormons have the right idea about bringing home a second (or third) spouse to shape up the first one a little.

So with their little globes next to each other, the two fish seemed to coexist happily. Daytona set about making a little bubble nest at the top of his water line, hoping to convince a female betta that the sluggish Indy would make a poor mate. After a day or so, he quit. It was so obvious there was NO competition on the horizon.

Indy hung in there, but was unable to predict any of our freak mid-April snowstorms. Still had a hearty appetite, so I figured it was best to keep his routine the same and hope for some miracle recovery.

Tonight, for some strange reason, I decided to Google “swim bladder pet fish” and came across this entry.

Well now, I’ve been doing everything wrong! And help was just a click away! Can’t wait until I’m diagnosed with a brain tumor. Bet there’s all kinds of handy home remedies online!! I’m going to take the advice above and I’ll keep you posted. I hope it’s not too late to save Indy!

Note: I feed a varied diet, but it does include pellets, and Ms. Fields notes that some fish are just more susceptible, especially older ones.

Awesome website!

Join the fun! Pick a turtle! Track her progress! Donate to help stop development!

www.greatturtlerace.com

Stop Blaming Sharks!

Sydney - An Australian teenager was lucky to be alive on Sunday after she survived being mauled by a massive sea lion while surfing.

Ella Murphy was attacked by the creature, thought to weigh about 300kg, as she stood on a surfboard being towed behind a boat on Saturday.

The animal was close to charging the 13-year-old girl a second time as she floundered in the water off the coast of the small town of Lancelin in Western Australia when she was rescued by the driver of the boat, Chris Thomas."You can only describe it as like a white pointer (shark) jumping out of the water," he told News Limited newspapers.

"It actually lined her up. It jumped out of the water at her and hit her head-on. It must have been travelling at an enormous speed. It opened its mouth and grabbed her head. It latched on."

Thomas manoeuvred his boat between the sea lion and the girl to prevent a second mauling."It was going back for her, it was looking for her and it spotted her," he said. "I had this horrible feeling I was not going to make it back in time."

Ella, who suffered a broken jaw and lost three teeth in the attack, was in a stable condition at Princess Margaret Hospital late Saturday.

Her mother, Michelle Forbes, said her daughter had a gash under her chin which was "quite close to her carotid artery.""We could have lost her," she said.

Sea lions are a protected species and it is thought that environmental officers will attempt to move it into another area rather than kill it.

Beats a Hook...

TAIPEI, Taiwan — A zoo worker had his forearm reattached yesterday after his colleagues recovered the severed limb from the mouth of a 440-pound Nile crocodile, an official said.

The crocodile severed Chang Po-yu's forearm on Wednesday at the Shaoshan Zoo in the southern city of Kaohsiung when the veterinarian tried to retrieve a tranquilizer dart from the reptile's hide, zoo officials said.

The Liberty Times newspaper said Chang failed to notice the crocodile was not fully anesthetized when he stuck his arm through an iron rail to medicate it.

As Chang was rushed to the hospital on Wednesday, a zoo worker shot two bullets at the crocodile's neck to retrieve the forearm, said Chen Po-tsun, a zoo official.

"The crocodile was unharmed as we didn't find any bullet holes on its hide," Chen said. "It probably was shocked and opened its mouth to let go of the limb."

The 17-year-old reptile is one of a pair of Nile crocodiles kept by the Kaohsiung zoo. The crocodile is listed as an endangered species, and is rapidly disappearing from its native African habitat.

Chen said the zoo purchased the crocodile from a local resident who had kept it as a pet.

Check out video here!

And So it Goes...

1922-2007

"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president."...

What I've Been Reading

Higher Power of Lucky

Good, but not great. I liked the idea of a little girl on a spiritual quest who liked to listen in on twelve-step meetings, but the whole Disney orphan thing was too maudlin. Formulaic, I saw everything coming a mile and a half away, and most ten-year-olds probably could too. Makes me wonder what was pick two and three during the Newberry voting. B-

Edith Head by David Cherichetti

I didn’t care for the writing, and the subject was too much of an enigma to be truly interesting. Short on gossip, as purportedly Head was herself. All I took away was a sense of awe over her work ethic and professionalism, but I was equally saddened to think she never felt good or worthy in her life. Ultimately, the book was a bummer. C.

God is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens

But this book sure is! I give it an A since I totally agree with the author.

Looking for Alaska by John Green
Very good, a great writer and a YA novel of note. I don’t know how I would teach the novel; I mean there are others that get young people’s questions about life/death and the reluctance to live, etc. across better, but a stupendous first novel in authentic voice. A-.

Just Say NO!

Help me out here, folks. I can’t be the only one who thinks bringing the Olympics to Chicago is a bad idea. Patronage will be the only winner. The taxpayer will have a huge burden for years to come, plus ultimately useless buildings, traffic snarls and billions wasted on security. For what? Like who in the international community is even going to come to America by 2016? I’m betting most countries boycott the event to protest our actions. Look at London, their estimate on costs to host 2012 have already tripled! Like we need that. Hello? Terrorists? Over here! Yep. That's all we need: another spoiled politician's son trying to one-up daddy.

I'm having enough problems paying my own gas bill, thank you.

For Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley and insurance titan Patrick Ryan, his
chief lieutenant in this effort—two powerhouses with histories of getting what
they want—the outcome will further sculpt personal legacies already shaped by
bold moves.

"This would very much be a capstone to Daley's administration," Chicago historian Perry Duis said. "It may be the first item in biographical sketches. In other words, 'Richard M. Daley, who brought the Olympics to Chicago.' "

"His status would be greater, in the tradition of the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition, and the 1933 World's Fair," said political scientist and former alderman Dick Simpson. "Symbolically, it would put him in the realm of [Chicago visionary architect] Daniel Burnham and others responsible for those events.

"Whether his place in Chicago history would outshine the legacy of his father, the late Mayor Richard J. Daley, remains to be seen, Simpson said.

Happy Friday the Thirteenth!

Time for Toast!

I'm telling you, the toaster is trying to kill me. Every morning, it pushes the bread up just a little less in the hopes I will get out a fork and try to fish it out, electrocuting myself in the process. Why can't my appliances just wish to fill their designed destinies?

Talkie Toaster

...apparently manufactured by a Taiwanese company named "Crapola Inc."

Addiction is not Pretty

Jelly Belly Raspberry and Blackberry Gumdrops

But it sure is tasty!

Horsin' Around

Stumbled across this post and wanted to share!

What Be Your Nerd Type?

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd   Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Science/Math Nerd
Social Nerd
Drama Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Anime Nerd
Musician
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Here's Some Ad Executives Out of a Job...

The Book of GE O-Brok-Us

And it came to pass, in the seventh year of home ownership…


First Plague: Water turned to Sludge – Neptune Washer Breaks

The Warranty told Al and Lisa, “If the Corporation demands that you stay on hold for hours, produce original UPC codes, registration information, obscure receipts and paperwork, do so.” The Corporation, however, was obstinate, and would not listen to them, just as the Internet had foretold.

Decent Business Practices said: Go and present yourself by the overflowing washer, holding in your hand the wax motor that turned into a serpent. Say to the Corporation: “Let my consumers go to your vaults and gain replacement units. But as yet you have not listened.” The Corporation remained obstinate and would not listen to Al and Lisa. All the consumers had to wash clothing by hand, since they could not use the machines.

Seven days passed after disaster had struck the washer. Al had to fix it himself, at his own expense.

Second Plague: Fire From Within – Maytag Dishwasher Recall

The Corporation summoned Al and Lisa and said, “Ok, you got me on the spontaneous combustion thing with the dishwasher. We’re doing a recall on that one. Do me the favor of appointing the time when you are to sit about and wait for my mighty repairman. He won’t arrive at that time, but it’ll give the boys in the boardroom a chuckle to think you took time off of work.”

Third Plague: The Dust Mites – Hoover Windtunnel Fails to Suck

Thereupon Lisa said unto Al, “Take the Hoover out of the closet and strike the dust of the carpet that it may be removed throughout the house.” Al stretched out his hand and with the Hoover struck the dust of the earth, but the carpet remained unmoved. Though the magicians tried to bring forth brushes by their magic arts, they could not. “This is the finger of God.”


Fourth Plague: Darkness of the Microwave – GE Spacesaver dies

Then Al said to Lisa, “Stretch out your hand toward the control panel, over the range there be such darkness that one can feel it.” So Lisa stretched out her hand, and there was dense darkness throughout the kitchen for seven days. Food could not be warmed, nor could they heat water for three days. But all the GE executives had light and cooked food where they dwelt. Rather than pay service for a new magnetron, Al and Lisa sacrificed their wages once again. Taking their livestock to the Big Box Store, another microwave was purchased. “The day you appear before me unfeeling CEOs, you shall die!” cried Lisa “Well said,” said Al.

Fifth Plague: The Death of the Dryer – Neptune Dryer Takes a Tumble

Then the Homeowners told the Corporation, “One more plague will you bring upon our Laundry and upon our pocketbook? After that, the Homeowner will let you depart. In fact, they will not merely let you go; they will drive you away. Never again will we buy a Maytag item, for Maytag Sucks. We will instruct our people that every man is to tell his neighbor that MAYTAG SUCKS. Sell any stock or holdings in Maytag Corporation, for they are truly evil and have a hard heart. They do not listen to the consumers, nor care about quality. Then there shall be loud wailing throughout the Maytag Corporation as such there has never been, nor will ever be again. All these servants of appliance companies shall then come down to my lowly blog. And prostrate before me, they shall beg me, ‘buy our crappy products again.’ And I shall not!


What can I say? I just wanted my 15 minutes of famine. Wish this blight would just Passover.

Moses Parting the Red Tape

Yea, though I type through the Cyber darkness,

I will fear no evil, for thy Google search engine and “Maytag Sucks”

shall comfort me all the days of my Second Life.

Maytag Really, Really, Really Sucks

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Do you lie awake nights worried your household appliances are plotting to kill you? Or at least trying to drive you into the poor house? In a span of less than six months, every major appliance in the house has broken. None of these items is older than seven years. This is not normal. Why me? How have I angered the gods of electromagnetic fields? Must I split an atom to appease them?

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Once again, I have had a weekend ruined by evil appliances. To recap, my top-of-the-line Maytag Neptune washing machine broke after less than seven years of service. The company refuses to recall the product, or even admit there’s a problem despite a mountain of evidence and mold to the contrary.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Then, my Maytag dishwasher was recalled, due to the product causing fires. Hassle city, but repaired.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

My Hoover Windtunnel vacuum has been sucking, but only intermittently, so it’s a lemon too. Saving pennies for a Dyson, but that could take years.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Next, my GE Spacesaver Microwave died. Oh, a quick check on the net confirms only about a billion consumer complaints about the magnetron in this unit, but again – no recall.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Don’t know about you, but a life with out a microwave is a life not worth living, in my book. I don’t even own a teapot. I just heat a little Pyrex of water at a time for tea, love my popcorn, and reheat platefuls of food all the time. I need that appliance!

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

We went to Best Buy (since Circuit City Sucks, but that’s a whole other post) and bought the absolute cheapest over the range model they had; some Goldstar generic that probably leaks radiation, but at this point a brain tumor diagnosis might be the high point of my month.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Al spent Saturday installing it, since every single hole and mounting bracket had to be different, of course. So, while he’s cleaning up Saturday night, I’m checking that load of permanent press laundry that should have been dry by now. Yep. You guessed it. The Maytag dryer no longer dries.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

All I have to say is, if I turn up dead, I want you to tell the authorities:

THE TOASTER DID IT!!!
Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Hoppy Easter!

Snakes In a Search Engine!

Why can't I work here??? Is this like the coolest Bring Your Pet To Work Day ever, or what? (this is not a photo of Kaiser)



'Google search' for missing snake in NYC
By NAHAL TOOSI

This was one search that you couldn't just Google.
An employee's python went missing over the weekend in Google Inc.'s sprawling Manhattan office, sending search teams on an all-out snake hunt. The searchers scoured the complex for the 3-foot-long snake and finally found the serpent, known as Kaiser, on Monday night.

"A snake was lost; it was not an April Fool's joke. It was found last night," Google spokeswoman Ellen West said Tuesday. "The snake has left the building."

She declined to reveal specifics about where in the office Kaiser was discovered. But a contributor to Google's official blog wrote that the staff was told the snake was found "relaxing behind a cabinet." (read blog here)

And although West wouldn't say how the snake made it to the office, she confirmed it belonged to a "Googler" and said the pet was now at its owner's home.

The Google blog contributor, software engineer Dan Bentley, wrote that while some employees laughed about the situation, others stood away from walls and corners and the bathrooms were less crowded.

The fact that someone brought a snake into the building is not completely surprising, given Google's laid-back culture.

Dubbed the "Googleplex," the Manhattan office of the Mountain View, Calif.-based company offers a relaxed workspace, built around a team concept that has people sharing offices and cubicles connected in groups. It also offers free food, massage therapy, yoga classes, and ski trips, according to Google's jobs Web site.

Company officials did not comment on a report that the search for the snake even included a missing snake flier. The Web site Valleywag, a technology gossip Web site based in Silicon Valley, posted a photo of the flier, complete with a photo of the reptile.

The flier described the snake as "non-venomous" and "not dangerous," and responsive to the name "Kaiser," according to the Web site.

Awwwww! A happy ending! Well, except for that guy who brought his pet rat...

Snakes in a Bog on a Dog!

The Higher Power of Very Lucky to be Alive

This poor pup was bitten by the rare Eastern massasauga rattlesnake

(not terribly toxic) but is expected to make a full recovery.

"Whoop is feeling better after spending Friday night hooked up to a IV with antibiotics. Now, he’s taking two antibiotics, a painkiller, and a cream designed to promote skin growth around the bite area....

He never needed anti-venom medication, but Frye said he might need surgery if venom killed too much of the skin around the bite."

On the plus side, he wasn't bitten on the scrotum...

I'm happy the dog is doing well, but is anyone looking after the poor snake? I hope he or she is also healthy and hanging on to the little habitat it has left. We should declare a moratorium on all building and development in the area. Think "North America".

"The species has struggled to survive as these fields have been drained or filled in for farmland or development. Mature females tend to give birth to five or six live young every three to four years. Half the babies usually don’t live through the winter.“The massasauga is more critically endangered than the bald eagle ever was,” Ballard said.

Wish I'd Said That

"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" --Bill Maher

If I Bid On It - At Least My Blog Would Get Some Hits

SACRAMENTO, March 29 (UPI) -- O.J. Simpson's book, "If I Did It," which theorizes how he might have killed his ex-wife and her companion, will be auctioned next month in California.

Sale proceeds will go to members of the Goldman family, who won a legal victory earlier in March when Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg ruled that they are entitled to income Simpson may earn from the book. The family has been trying to collect on a 10-year-old $33.5 million wrongful death civil judgment it won against him.

The lawyer added that if no publishing house buys the rights, then the family will have no choice but to do so.

"We're the buyer of last resort and we have to be because otherwise it would make a total travesty of the process if he regained the property in the end," said David Cook.

Bee Concerned, Bee Very Concerned

MISSOULA, Mont. -- The disappearance and deaths of millions of honeybees in nearly half of the nation's states is a mystery seemingly befitting an episode of "CSI" and is threatening an estimated $14 billion in crops that rely on pollination.

"It's called Colony Collapse Disorder," said Jerry Bromenshenk, a University of Montana professor and head of Bee Alert who has studied honeybees for more than three decades.

Sounds like we need to invent some Bee-agra.

Bromenshenk is part of a national task force attempting to figure out why bees leave their hives and don't return. He recently returned from California with thousands of dead bees that he suspects were in colonies in the midst of collapsing.

Perhaps they're crossing the border to live in Mexico illegally?

"We are … trying to figure out the unknown," Wick said in an interview. "This is a devastating situation. If every honeybee disappeared tomorrow, we would still have produce in our markets—it just wouldn't come from the United States."

Great. Little yellow bees from China taking our bees' jobs...

Bromenshenk's addition to the team studying the bees' disappearance was prompted by the significant research he has conducted at the university as well as the company that spun off from that work.The firm has learned how to train bees to perform a variety of tasks, including sniffing out poisons, a skill that can be applied to such things as land mine detection or use of chemicals in a terrorist attack. Bromenshenk said the company has discovered how to train a bee in less than a day to identify things by smell or by sight.

Or maybe the bees don't want to bee little slaves for no pay...

Auto Abuse is no Laughing Matter!

I was about to go to bed when I saw this on the news! Now I'll have nightmares all week!!!!!

Dear Daniel Sadek, I feel your pain!!!
Thinking of you during this difficult time,
Get A Life Gal

I don’t even know who Eddie Griffin is, but this incident is not funny in the least. Never, ever, let anyone drive your collector car! This looks like a publicity stunt, doesn’t it? I mean, a real Enzo didn’t die, did it? Sob!! Noooooo.... This is just too upsetting for me to contemplate. Seems more like an episode of 30 Rock where the spoiled star gets to do what ever he wants.

CBS/AP) Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million into a concrete barrier Monday, destroying the car but escaping without injuries.

Idiot!!! Monster!! How fast was he going? There were cones up, I saw the video, this wasn't open track - what on earth happened?

The comedian was practicing for a charity race to promote his upcoming film, "Redline," when he drove too fast around a curve at the Irwindale Speedway and smashed into a divide. Video footage showed the red sports car screeching before it ricocheted off the barrier with heavy damage to its front.

Charity? You'll need it, if I can do anything about it.

"Undercover Brother's good at karate and all the rest of that, but the brother can't drive," Griffin, referring to one his past films, told reporters after the accident.

Asshole! Making a joke about the loss of a rare car you knew you didn’t have the capability to control!!

"I was coming around the track and came into a tight turn and I hit a cone and the cone got caught underneath the tire. So the tire locked up and … slammed into the wall," Griffin told CBS News.

Gee, maybe he should have practiced first with a Ford Focus, huh? I'm not saying I'm a world class driver, but I will say that I would not be putting a car at risk by overestimating my abilities. Why wasn't an instructor in the car? Not like that would have prevented an accident, but a coach might have seen trouble coming sooner or put him in an appropriate vehicle until ready.

The film's publicist, Wendy Zocks, said Griffin was "doing OK."

Won't be when I’m finished with him!

"He walked away completely unscratched, but probably a little shaken," Zocks said.

Oh, sure, it’s not his car. He has no understanding or respect for the gravity of the situation. Just another broken toy. Oh, well, I’ll buy another. Let my accountant pay for it.

"You know I'm not a race car driver, I'm a comedian," Griffin said. "Uh, just glad that I'm OK."

You should be boiled in motor oil. If you knew you couldn’t drive it, why did you make the attempt? Oh, wait, you’re perfect. You can do anything, you da man.

The Enzo was owned by the film's executive producer, Daniel Sadek, whose exotic car collection was featured in the movie.

May we have a moment of silence here for the man and his car.

Sadek said the car was beyond repair and that he had "mixed feelings" about the wreck.

If you call murderous rage and suicidal grief “mixed”, yeah.

"I'm glad Eddie came out of the crash OK, but my dream car got destroyed," Sadek said. "I went to my trailer for about 15 minutes and I thought, there's people dying every day. A lot of worse things are happening in the world."

Like what?? He’s obviously in shock, this will all sink in later. Poor, poor man.

Only 400 Ferrari Enzos were ever produced, all between 2002 and 2004.

And the world is one poorer tonight due to this arrogant bastard.

Griffin's credits include the comedies "Undercover Brother," "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" and its sequel, "Date Movie," and "Norbit."

Those are credits? What do you consider disgraces?

Enzo 2002-2007

Rust in Peace


I hearby declare an official Ferrari Fatwa on Infidel Griffin!

See?

"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had 1,060."

Imelda Marcos

Score!!

Not only did I have TWO coupons for free salad dressings, but I stumbled upon this little guy at my local Osco Drug! I now have Secretariat, Barbaro, War Admiral, Seabiscuit and a generic Kentucky Derby 133. I'm going to do some research on what other horses they may have produced.

The Holy Grail? Ruffian!

Too Nice To Blog!

Whoo Hoo!! New Record Set! Warmest March 25 on record!! Whee!! Sorry for no posts, had to enjoy the past two days. One turtle has awoken from her torpor, and was offered breakfast. I may move them indoors soon as a transitional step before being outside 24/7. Next weekend looks to be pretty cold and crummy, so perhaps I’ll catch up with you all then.

In brief, I would like to point out real quick that it comes as no surprise that the tainted pet food should be linked to China, as we all know how fond they are of dogs. (See Angry Chinese Blogger for more commentary)

I’ve been doing lots of reading and really should update my list. I haven’t bought any shoes, so we must be at a ten-to-one book to shoe ratio at least.

Embroideries – Marjane Satrapi
Good, I love her art, and she addresses issues discussed by women, so I liked it. No Persepolis, but a solid C+.

Terrible Storm – Carol Otis Hurst

I loved this children’s book! The illustrations are fantastic, and integral to understanding the story. Hurst had two grandfathers weather the mid-March blizzard of 1888 in Westfield, Massachusetts. (Which means I should turn my Nickelback blizzard story into a picture book...)One gentleman was gregarious and out going, the other preferred quiet solitude (like me). Of course, the people-lover gets stranded in a stable alone with the animals for a few days, while the introvert is sheltered by a boisterous family that enjoys singing and storytelling. That poor, poor man… A-

Aya – Marguerite Aboust
Graphic novel about young women living in the Ivory Coast, 1978. Entertaining slice of life, C+.

In the Name of God – Paula Jolin
Good YA read, nicely done, but as far as the actual resolution of the story, I was a bit disappointed. Yes, I wanted Nadia to blow something up. So sue me. C+

Which brings us to...

There’s a (Slight) Chance I Might be Going to Hell – Laurie Notaro
She’s a good writer, but perhaps I expected more laugh-out-loud belly laughs or something. There were a few, but ultimately this one left me rather empty as well. B-

Teach With Your Heart – Erin Gruwell
This is the story of the teacher upon whom the movie Freedom Writers is based
Can anyone really be that naive? Yet if a tenth of the book is true, it is a fantastic story. Heartwarming. B-

Calamari for a Crowd

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A colossal half-ton squid, believed to be the largest ever caught, may be destined for the microwave oven.

But researchers say they don’t want to cook the massive creature — just defrost it so they can study it better.

Scientists at New Zealand’s national museum, Te Papa Tongarewa, have taken possession of the beast that took fishermen two hours to land after it was netted by chance in Antarctic waters last month and was frozen soon afterward to preserve it.

Expert Steve O’Shea said the squid had weighed in at 1,089 pounds and measured 33 feet long — heavier but shorter than initial estimates of 990 pounds and 39 feet.

It appears to be by far the largest specimen of the rare and mysterious deep-water species Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, or colossal squid, ever caught.

Another Thursday Night...

At the Right Residence!

(actual conversation)

Al(ways Right): What's for dinner?

Me: Tuna Helper.

Al: I was starting to wonder...we haven't had anything with Helper in the name for a while.

Me: I thought it would hide the taste of the Wheat Gluten I'm adding to yours...

(and you may recall this post)

Quit Yawning!

"What is a diary as a rule? A document useful to the person who keeps it. Dull to the contemporary who reads it and invaluable to the student, centuries afterward, who treasures it."

Helen Terry

Auto Abuse!

Keep driving! Don't slow down!

Man blocks car’s exit with body, causing impact with finish!

RANCHO PALOS VERDES, Calif. — Keanu Reeves was behind the wheel of a Porsche that allegedly grazed a celebrity photographer standing in the path of the sports car, investigators said Tuesday.

The photographer fell to the ground and paramedics were called after Reeves' car allegedly struck the man at 7:30 p.m. Monday, said Deputy Ed Hernandez of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

Reeves, 42, wasn't hurt.

The Associated Press left a phone message for a representative of the actor seeking comment.

"He grazed a paparazzi standing in front of his Porsche and the man fell to the ground," Hernandez said. It wasn't known how fast the Porsche was traveling.

Reeves was leaving a parking space in the Avenida Tranquila residential area near Los Verdes County Golf Course about 30 miles south of downtown Los Angeles, he said.

The photographer, whose name wasn't released, was taken to a local hospital for treatment of unknown injuries, Hernandez said.

No word on how the sports car is doing at this time. My thoughts are with Keanu during this difficult period. I just want to send my best wishes and suggest a mild rubbing compound. Wonder if the paint is metallic?

I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE Porsche?

Yukon Land Rush

Anyone who has read this blog for a bit knows two things: I hate cold weather, and I love "FREE". So what happens when the two intersect? Well, I guess we'll never know, as I found this little tidbit much too late to act!

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A town in Alaska's frozen interior that offered free land to anyone willing to put down roots had it all spoken for within hours Monday.

Alaska? I don't think so!

People dropped everything to fly or drive north, camping out in weather as cold as 25 below and dreaming of homes they would build amid the spruce and cottonwoods of the town of Anderson, population 300.

Wait...only 300 people in town? Dream come true! 25 below? Not so good. Those two days of a balmy 34 above won't make up for it. Spruce and Cottonwood? How heavy?

Interest was high despite the brutal winters of the interior, where temperatures can plunge to 60 below. Never mind that there's no grocery store or gas station in Anderson, 75 miles from the regional hub of Fairbanks.

When I said I wanted to get away from it all, I meant somewhere with paved roads...

UnBearAble

So - when's the last time you did something species-appropriate?

BERLIN - Berlin Zoo's abandoned polar bear cub Knut looks cute, cuddly and has become a front-page media darling, but an animal rights activist insists it was wrong to intervene and save the cub.

"Feeding by hand is not species-appropriate but a gross violation of animal protection laws," animal rights activist Frank Albrecht was quoted as saying by the mass-circulation Bild daily, which has featured regular photo spreads tracking fuzzy Knut's frolicking.

"The zoo must kill the bear."

When Knut — or "Cute Knut," as the 19 pound bear has become known — was born last December, his mother ignored him and his brother, who later died. Zoo officials intervened, choosing to raise the cub themselves.

The story prompted quick condemnations from the zoo, politicians and other animal rights groups.

"The killing of an animal has nothing to do with animal protection," said Wolfgang Apel, head of the German Federation for the Protection of Animals.

Albrecht told The Associated Press that his beliefs were more nuanced than reported by Bild, though he applauded the debate the article had started.

He explained that though he thought it was wrong of the zoo to have saved the cub's life, now that the bear can live on his own, it would be equally wrong to kill him.

Hey, I'm all for leaving nature alone - but since there's no habitat for this little guy to go home to, I support trying to keep him alive.

Just a Joke

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

San AnRAINio

Went to Texas for a few days – right when they decided to see rain after months of drought. River Walk turned into Walking Through River. Figures.

First off, neither Al nor I was feeling all that hot when we got on the plane. Nothing like a pounding sinus headache on an airline too cheap to give out snacks, much less pay to pressurize the cabin properly. And if my cold needed any help, the recirculated stale ‘sick passenger air’ was only too happy to assist. By the time we landed, I thought my head was going to explode.

Our luggage looked like it lost the battle of the Alamo, but at least it arrived on the same plane. This of course, leads me to interject the reason you don’t see many vultures on domestic flights -- only one carrion allowed per passenger.

I spent the whole time there eating cold pills, swallowing vitamins and drinking cups of “Airborne”. Fat good that did. The rain cancelled our plans of walking around and taking a boat ride, etc. We had one sort-of nice day where we saw the Alamo, but that was it. I brought five books and two magazines, and feared running out!

The part I enjoyed the most was when they showed this little informational video on the history of the Alamo. They depicted Mexico as initially inviting Americans to Texas to help colonize the area, but then they became angry when it was perceived too many had shown up and looked like they might take over. HA!! Boy that felt good to hear.

But the best hoot of all was playing fill in the blank with a few evil emperor-wanna-be statements.

Go ahead; see if you can fill in the blanks:

______left a legacy of disappointment and disaster by consistently placing his own self-interest above his duty to the nation.

_______used his influence to lift the losing candidate into the presidency.

_____overwhelmingly elected President …what began as a promise to unite the nation soon deteriorated into chaos.

______soon became bored in his first presidency, leaving the real work to his vice-president, who soon launched an ambitious reform of church, state and army.

_________’s repudiation of ______’s constitution and substitution of a much more centralized and less democratic form of government.

Although his failure to suppress the _________ enormously discredited him…

when his sale of millions of acres in what is now _________ to the _____________ united liberal opposition against him.

_________ had a "take-no-prisoners" policy

Funny how you could put the name George W. Bush in any of those blanks, isn’t it? Well, except for that last one. That one only applies to General Antonio López de Santa Anna.

Buzz Me Up, Scotty

Doctor Robert Bohannon, a Durham, North Carolina, molecular scientist with nothing better to do, has invented a way to put the coffee in the donut -- well, the caffeine, anyway.

Buzz Donuts(TM) and Buzzed Bagels(TM) are the brainchild of Dr. Robert
Bohannon, a molecular scientist living in Durham, NC. Dr. Bohannon has developed
a way to mask the normal bitterness of caffeine so that it can be used in food
and pastry products such as bagels and donuts.

"I had the idea for caffeinated pastries several years ago, but the
bitter taste of the caffeine would always overwhelm the flavor," says Dr.
Bohannon, who is president of Onasco, Inc. "I eventually worked with some
flavoring experts and designed a method to mask the bitterness, which led to
successfully adding the caffeine equivalent of one to two cups of coffee to the
food item."

Dr. Bohannon has already approached well-known chains including Krispy
Kreme, Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts about his invention. He thinks it's just a
matter of time before caffeinated pastries become a morning mainstay. He has
already patented the idea along with a method of controlling the amount of
caffeine contained in the food.

Thanks, Dr. Bohannon! We didn't need a cure for cancer anyway. Just more caffeine delivery systems. Keep 'em coming!

For an amusing commentary, check this blog: icyforums. I liked the suggestion of caffeinated communion wafers designed to keep you awake in church!

Godzilla vs. the Herpetologist

Godzilla vs. the herpetologist :

A lizard specialist examines the DVD return of Japan's icon.


Cute! I think he's a little too hard on the big guy, but that's ok. I can count myself among the legions of young fans who loved dinosaurs and applauded the thought that nature would strike back at man's pollution of the environment. I just bought the 50th anniversary plush model, and love it! Squeezing his chest produces the trademark two roars and his eyes flash red! Hope there's a Tad to follow...

Wish I'd Said That

"Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai to avoid paying taxes in the United States. Isn't that crazy -- when did Halliburton start paying taxes?"

Jay Leno

All the Wrong Reasons

"...Nickelback plodded through its smug parade of unremarkable lunk-rock, each song's biggest distinction little more than its lack of distinction. But songs such as the hackneyed "Photograph," the hook-rich "How You Remind Me" and the hilariously banal "If Everyone Cared" proved the mundane and mediocre could
still be timeless.

It was caveman rock right down to the ancient, fossilized riffs, ready to be recycled by the next risible band down the line.The hits came easily — effortlessly, even — for Nickelback, and the fans clearly loved the equal lack of pretense and progression (not to mention the perfunctory pyrotechnics, canned banter and drum solo). Indeed, to its credit the band didn't bother disguising its lack of ambition Friday night.

At one point, the group wielded hand-held air cannons that fired T-shirts into the crowd, an apt metaphor that neatly summed up both the band's modus operandi and its broad appeal."

Gosh, Josh, as soon as you win a Grammy and have beautiful women throwing their bras at you, I'll be sure to take your criticisim more seriously.

“I saw Nickelback and I want my $250 Deductible Back”

Awhile back, when the thought of a blizzard in early March seemed remote, I bought some tickets to see the band Nickelback. Al and I love them, and they were coming to the Allstate Arena. Guess what? You’re NOT in good hands with Allstate.

Concert day dawns with snow and 30-40 m.p.h. winds. They cancel our schools. But wait! I have tickets! I must go!

Al drove my car 23 miles through the Donner Pass to the town where I work. The plan was to put him on a train to his job, and then I will get him after work so we can meet friends for dinner before the show.

After navigating the arctic, Admirals Perry and Byrd watched the 6:50 a.m. train roll away from the platform as we approached. Ok, don’t panic. There’s another at 7:26. Sure there is.

Eventually we learn that a car is blocking the tracks somewhere down the line and the next train will be delayed an hour. Great. Now we’re both late to work. I can’t drive off and leave Al, as the station is “Closed for Renovation”. So we sat watching the blowing snow until his train arrives and I head to work, over an hour late, only to tell my boss I’m leaving an hour early…

So I drove over an hour to pick him up, had a nice dinner with Ashley and Amber, and headed over to the show. The girls wanted to go out afterwards, so they took their own car. We paid $15 to park at the AA and headed into the show. I love d seeing the teenage girls with no coats and miniskirts running through the snow for the door. Yeah, you look cool. As in frostbit.

Show was awesome; they opened with Animal and closed with Rock Star. Sat by Loud Drunk Guy and What Would Freud Say Couple, but survived.

Throngs of humanity crowed towards the exits. It was going rather orderly, but it’s easy to see how you can be crushed to death in a crowd. We were among the last to get out due to our nosebleed seats. Once back to my Acura, we were greeted by a huge dent. Seems someone backed right into my car and took off. Great. Four thousand police officers directing traffic and no one saw anything. Ashley took some pictures of the tire track, but no one offered to play CSI. They just handed me an accident report and went back to looking bored.

Al encountered even worse roads on Routes 20 and 23 while driving us home. The next morning we read the Sheriff’s department declared it the worst conditions in 28 years. Oh yay. I am so moving.

No time to recover from the tragedy of hit and run, as we had to attend a wedding that weekend as well. May as well take Denty Car. Parked it right on the street in front of the Metro in Chicago. Had a great time and then had to focus on our next adventure: a trip to San Antonio, TX.

After dealing with my hateful insurance agent (I’m convinced my small town is a dumping ground for a national insurance chains’ worst agents. The insurance is fine, the representatives are idiots. This one is under a woman’s name, but I have yet to speak to her. I deal with her husband, and let’s just say we aren’t best buds) I make an appointment to drop off my car at a local body shop. I’ve never used them before, so let’s see what happens. The guy says, I thought that was a kid’s car, when your husband brought it in… Yep. No matter how old I get, I’ll always have a car coveted by teenage boys, I want people to say, “Hey, who pimped that Hearst?” at my funeral.

Maytag Sucks IV

I have about thirty thousand stories to tell, and between Mutinous Maytag appliances and evil motorists, it should take about six months of posting to catch up on the month or so I haven’t been keeping up.

First off, you may recall: Maytag SUCKS!!!

After ignoring our pleas to rectify the washer situation, Al fixed it himself for about $25 to avoid a $300 ‘professional’ repair bill. Next, the Hoover (division of Maytag) vacuum ceased to suck. Again, Al saved the day. Whew!

But when a friend called and asked if I had heard about the huge dishwasher recall, well, that was too much! Sure enough, a little research showed that our dishwasher was part of a massive recall due to electrical fires. Seems the little Jet-Dry liquid dispenser could leak gel onto wires, causing a house fire. Approximately 183 homes went up in smoke before company decided to admit perhaps there was problem. Likely they are suing the spotless rinse manufacturers as we speak, since it couldn’t be Maytag’s CRAPPY PRODUCT, now could it?

Anyhoo, I spent over 55 minutes on hold trying to reach them on their special recall line. Hung up. Tried again later. More hold. (Subliminal message behind hold music "Don't sue us when your house goes up in smoke" set to Great White's House of Broken Love) ZZZZZZ....

Made an appointment for the repair, and was told a new dishwasher door would be sent to my house. An authorized repairman would arrive to install it. I was told to disconnect the washer in the meantime. As someone who loves to turn either the washing machine or dishwasher on before walking out the door to work, it was very disconcerting to realize I was playing with electrical fire!

Ticking time bomb or no, I was very disgruntled at having to wash dishes by hand. For almost 14 years I did not have a dishwasher. Al’s first house was too small, and then we rented a farm house while building our current home. Like Scarlett O’Hara, I vowed to never hand-wash again.

So repair guy shows up, (thanks Mom and Dad, for being able to sit at my house all day and wait for fix-it dude) installs aforementioned door, but says something else is broke, and they need to order a new control panel as well.

Hmm. I think HE broke it while installing the door. Whatever, it’s covered. Except that it means another two weeks of paper plates whenever possible. Oh, and he refuses to take the old door away. Idiot.

Next, the computer decides to act up in a fit of electronic solidarity with its unreliable brethren. I spend almost two weeks without a connection due to the MacAfee Corporation; solet’s just add them to the “I May Need a Life, but Your Product Sucks” hall of fame.

So of course the only way this whole depressing failure known as my life could possibly get worse is by something happening to my car. Yep.

Doggone Deception, Or, The Devil Wears Digby

This is a Raccoon Dog.

Not very domesticated, but a living animal whose fur should be labeled as such.

WASHINGTON — That fur trim on your jacket that you think is fake might be all too real.
An animal advocacy group says its investigation has turned up coats — some with designer labels, some at high-end retailers — with fur from man's best friend.

Some retailers scrambled to pull the coats from shelves, take them off websites and offer refunds to consumers who bought them.

The Humane Society of the United States says it bought coats from reputable outlets, such as upscale Nordstrom, with designer labels — Andrew Marc, Tommy Hilfiger, for example — and found them trimmed with dog fur, even though the fur was advertised as fake.

This is a disgusting example of deliberate corporate mislabeling. Although I am a staunch supporter of the right to wear fur, I also vigorously defend the right NOT to wear fur or consume animal products. Once again, the consumer is kept in the dark. People trying to make an ethical decision were deceived by willful misadvertisement. We must unite to put an end to these practices. Of 25 coats tested, 24 were mislabeled!

Gosh, here's a surprise: most were from China. We all know how much China loves dogs.

No Fawn Left Behind

To the Editor:

It is time someone sets the record straight regarding the deer. You know, the ones that are getting hit by cars. I think I have the solution. The answer lies in addressing the root of the problem. And the problem is this: I believe that there is a segment of the deer population that has reading problems.

Yes, we put up signs alongside the road where we know the deer will cross. But what happens? Some of the deer have difficulty reading them. Why? There are many factors. Low-income habitats. Instinct disabilities. Lack of parental imprinting. Sure, they might be able to read, but their comprehension skills are low. Toss in weak word decoding strategies, and you have a recipe for disaster.So what do we do?

I have a plan. I call it No Deer Left Behind. What we do is identify the deer that are lagging behind. We intensify efforts to boost basic skills. We initiate a standardized testing format. We hold conservation districts accountable, punishable by funding reductions, re-quired implementation of supplemental deer tutorial services, and staff restructuring. And voilà, problem solved.

No Deer Left Behind. Finally a program where you can really get a bang for your buck.

Michael Penkava
Crystal Lake

Auto Abuse -- Repeat Offender!!

Paris Hilton was caught by authorities driving without headlights and with a suspended license on Tuesday night.

Police seized Hilton's $190,000 blue Bentley Continental GTC and prosecutors intend to ask a judge to revoke her probation for reckless driving.

The hotel heiress and star of the Fox reality series "The Simple Life" was pulled over on Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood at 11pm on Tuesday night due to driving without headlights. The cops noticed upon further investigation that Hilton's license had been suspended following her sentencing in January for alcohol-related reckless driving following a September, 2006 arrest.

Apparently Hilton did not realize the car's headlights were not on because she had just left a brightly lit parking structure. Police impounded the Bentley. Police authorities can hold the 12-cylinder, 550-horsepower Bentley for up to 30 days.

Stop this woman before an innocent high-end automobile loses its life!! I am making a public plea for the State of California to revoke her car driving and ownership privileges! This idiot is tooling around Hollywood drunk in cars I can only dream about! Take possession of that poor super car, Orange County! Then sell it to me for $500 at your next auction.

The Higher Power of Getting Lucky

(Northwest Herald) WOODSTOCK, Ill.

The library is not usually considered a venue for sex, but two Woodstock residents were caught in the act at the Woodstock Public Library this week, a police official said.

Raul A. Tapia, 19, and a juvenile female were caught having consensual sex among the book stacks at 414 W. Judd St. around 5 p.m. Monday, said Woodstock Police Sgt. Richard Johns.

There was no word regarding Dewey section they were discovered in, or if either had been inspired by this year's Newbery Medal winner by Susan Patron.