Thursday, April 28, 2005

Eeyore the Narcissist

From the sucks to be me files:

A planned condo development on my road has me upset beyond all description. Work hard, save your money, buy decent lot and house and have to move within five years due to a slum going in down the block. The problem is, I don’t know where I will be able to relocate to… there are just too many damn people on this planet.

Mankind is a parasite killing its host. My only hope is that the species dies with the planet, or we are liable to infect the whole universe. Of all the top-tier industrial countries, only the US is experiencing population growth. Japan, Italy, GB and Germany are all experiencing declining birth rates. (Although Germany in particular still struggles with immigrants) Our county long held the most rapidly growing in the state title, and at one time ranked high on national standings as well. The growth has now shifted southwest, but of course the development on my street marches onward, oblivious to the memo we are no longer number one. This will increase the population of our town by 10-15%, and I can’t wait to see how many are section 8. A little NIMBY, you say? I’m the queen of NIMBY, thank you. I can go to every zoning and council meeting, protest until I’m blue, but at the end of the day, all I will have is splinters from carrying a picket sign. Evil, I tell you. Evil.

I was supposed to go to a free consultation on Lasik eye surgery tonight, but haven’t the heart. After hearing about the housing development, the pressure behind my eyes is so great I would only be diagnosed with glaucoma. Where to move? I need the population density of Iceland with the climate of Hawaii.

“Argentina – good enough for the Nazis, good enough for me”

Neptune. Beach front property on Neptune would be good.

Australia! No language barrier and all the Bearded Dragons you could ever want for free!!

Hey, am I the only one who caught Bush saying (when plugging his plan for the privatization of social security) the private investment option is so great, congress voted it for themselves, and what’s good enough for them should be offered to all Americans. Um, excuse me, but they also voted themselves life-long full salary retirement benefits and free health care. So what you’re saying is….

What I’m Reading: Unshelved
What I’m Watching: ER
What I’m Hearing: Rolling Stones, Forty Licks
What I’m Recommending: Death to all Developers
Stay away from: the novel Dialogues

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Weapon of Mass Revenue

Stopped to buy gas last night. Perhaps leasing it would be cheaper. A sign on the pump said “ATM Inside”. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have that kind of cash in my account. “Second Mortgages While You Wait” would have been a more helpful service.

Am I the only one who can’t understand how 21% of my tax dollars can go to the U.S. Military – that supposedly ‘liberated’ an oil-producing nation- yet I’m paying record prices at the pump? As an American, cheap gas is my birthright. Gas should be 25 cents a gallon.

Increased prices have me doubting I will take a cross-country car trip this year. I did not take one last year either. So there, tourist traps that depend on drive by traffic. Starve without my vacation dollars. Wall Drug will have to give out much more than free ice water to get me to middle of nowhere. I need a new car, but now I am concerned about gas mileage, along with all the other factors that figure into my purchasing decision. The reason I must replace my daily driver is that my Celica can’t handle a half-inch of precipitation. I need to move to a more favorable clime, so I can drive a decent car all year round. Life is too short for slow cars. Or ugly ones.

New Car Consideration Breakdown: Gas Economy 5% Winter Performance 20% Teenage Boy Appreciation Factor 75%. If it doesn’t look like it deserves a speeding ticket while parked, I don’t want it.

Enjoying the new TV show, “Stacked”. Nice to see Christopher Lloyd again.

Did you hear about Ford Motor Company stepping forward to give money to save some wild Mustangs from destruction? Very nice of them.

DIE (Development is Evil, my little organization that crusades against all forms of growth) has swung into action again, with the news that a 600 unit housing development is being constructed on my road. I’ll keep you posted as I learn more.

So…what do you think of “Our Lady of the Underpass”, the Fullerton Avenue water stain that was hailed as a miraculous vision of the Virgin Mary beneath a Chicago city street? Personally, I’m surprised the Chicago Tribune did not identify it as Joseph Lombardo.

I hope her first miracle is to cure that wacko Trinity College student that made up racist threats to make her parents think the school was unsafe for minority students, thus allowing her to transfer.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Day Two

Welcome to the best blog on the web! (Because I said so, that’s why)
This is the posting where I tell everyone the divine purpose of this site, why I toil far into the night tippy-typing my heart out to the faceless masses. Most people promote a hobby, like knitting, or a warm-fuzzy, like “promote peace and understanding”, blah, blah, blah. Whatever. (Let’s face it. For about a month I’ll put up some lengthy postings, then grow bored and fade away. So what else is new?)

This is all about ME. The world needs ME and my Weltanschauung. Without me, the world is an empty, dreary wasteland of rules followed and “official explanations” accepted. I plan to enlighten the planet with my wisdom and a few conspiracy theories thrown in for good measure. Current events fuel much of my observations and I count among my writer influences Stephen King, Bill Bryson, Dave Barry, Douglas and Scott Adams and Kurt Vonnegut.

Let’s face it; the death of JPII is a huge boon to the Italian economy.

Do you wonder if the Cardinals sweated out his final days worried he would say something kooky in a death delirium that would have to stand as church policy, since popes are infallible? Bet they take all kinds of measures to hush that type of thing up…

I heard they opened his will last week.

Among the revelations:

He wants Michael Jackson moved to another parish.

He declared a Fatwa against Dan Brown

Agrees with Mel Gibson’s dad

Has no idea how his private line showed up in Paris Hiltons cell phone directory

Suggested locks be installed in convent, as he’s pretty sure if there are cameras and reporters at his funeral, ex-president Bill Clinton would be sure to show

Said Scientology wasn’t really a religion – shortly before death…hmmmm.

Confidential Message to Rainer: “You may have married Grace Kelly, but my funeral’s bigger, Nyah, Nyah”

And what of Benny? The former Hitler Youth? Forced to join? Secretly didn’t agree.
Yes, this is the man I want telling millions of people what an honor it to be martyred for Jesus. Don’t deny Christ. Let the Romans throw you to the lions, you’ll live on as a saint. But a little goose-step never hurt anyone. You need to live and inherit throne of Rome to do your own little thing for tolerance and equality.

Did you hear they set up an email for the new Pope? What do people email the Pope about? Can you see someone sorting that day’s messages?

Congratulations. Congratulations.
Congratulations. Congratulations.
Death Threat.
Congratulations. Congratulations.
Death Threat.
Why wasn’t my prayer answered?
Congratulations. Congratulations.
Send this angel to ten people for a special blessing….

I think the whole Pope thing exposes a huge philosophical question: should a religion change to meet the needs of its congregation, or hold fast to ancient teachings? Although I see both sides, I tend to feel the tenets of the faith should remain intact – if you are so right, you are always right! Much is made of America’s cafeteria Catholics; those who attend church yet do not follow its teachings. I don’t think you should try to change a religion from within. I feel sorry for those going through the motions of dogma they do not accept from nostalgia (I grew up in this Church – I want to be connected to family, etc.)

You either believe or you don’t. If you don’t, try elsewhere. I don’t agree with Catholicism but would not encourage someone to “cheat” the rules. If a faith folds because it no longer has any followers, it has out lived its usefulness. But the human race isn’t so logical. When the coffers are depleted, pretty soon it will be: women priests? What a great idea! Divorce? We can do that!

I don’t fault Benedict at all for holding specific beliefs. They got him to the top in an organization where that is the official party line. The sad thing is the three Abrahamic faiths are patriarchal and none would function with out the support of women, yet all treat women as inferior. Early Christianity has women to thank for their survival and acceptance, yet never allowed them any role in its rigid hierarchy.

Speaking of character flaws, saw a self-help book the other day that promised to cure the reader of the ten biggest character flaws. This got me to thinking. What am I, except my character flaws? Who would I be without them? No one recognizable, that’s for sure. What good would a boring, virtuous person be, exactly? No. This blog will embrace my flaws. Exacerbate them, if possible. Who am I, if not my shortcomings?

Hey, I went to that Adventures in Narcissism blog – guess what? They are using the same template as I am! WWFT? *

Thought for the Day:

“It is not enough that I succeed, it is that all others must fail.” Gore Vidal

*I’m sure you’ve seen those little What Would Jesus Do? Bracelets. My acronym is What Would (Sigmund) Freud Think?

What I’m Reading: Jesus Land
What I’m Watching: Clerks
What I’m Hearing: Audioslave
What I’m Recommending: Me Talk Pretty One Day and Running With Scissors
Stay away from: Michael Jackson

Sunday, April 24, 2005

First Off...

I’d just like to point out that someone else has the “getalife” blog address here, and I’d just like to say, thanks a lot for the inconvenience. Expect a call from my lawyer. (Remember that episode of “Newhart” where the rich girl wanted the license plate Cupcake? Like that) Also, I couldn’t help but stumble upon another blog called Adventures in Narcissism. Wow! Nice to know there are other social misfits like myself who type in darkened rooms to avoid interaction with real humans. Unfortunately, they all beat me here and took the good blog names long ago.

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