Monday, January 25, 2010

Tanks For Nothing

SHARON, Wis. – Residents in some of McHenry County’s northwest towns might have been surprised to see a tank rolling down the road Sunday.

The McHenry County Sheriff’s Department had been called to assist with a 12-hour standoff in Sharon, Wis., said Capt. Dana Nigbor of the Walworth County Sheriff’s Department.

The incident that began as a domestic dispute Saturday when Eugene J. Lehman, 46, had burned his wife’s clothes in the yard and fired several shots, Walworth County Sheriff David Graves said.

Lehman’s wife and children, an adult and a teenager, were able to escape. Police were dispatched about 11:30 a.m. Sunday, and the standoff ended about midnight Monday.

Lehman had shot himself in the abdomen, Graves said. His injuries were not believed to be life-threatening.

Oh, doesn't this article just raise more questions than it answers? A tank? For a domestic dispute? Excuse me? Was this Jack Bauer we were holding at bay? I think not.

Have you seen the town of Sharon, WI? Don't blink. The 'downtown' consists of an ice cream shop and an insurance agency. There are no traffic lights, but do use caution when crossing the railroad tracks, as there are no gates.

A tank? Was the F-16 busy? Is twelve hours some magic number: Time to Call the Tank?

Did the suspect demand to see a tank before surrender? One guy with a gun, and we need heavy artillery? Wouldn't it have been hysterical if he saw the tank, threw down his puny gun, and made the 'one second' gesture with a finger in the air and ran in the house... only to return with an RPG?

I can see summoning a tank for a riot. Civil unrest. A parade. But one nut with a weapon? Isn't that tear-gas territory? This happened in January, or I'd have suspected there were year-end Tank Budget dollars they had to spend or lose.

Oh, wait! This explains it. The Sheriff is up for reelection. "Tough on Tanks" must be his stance. Or "Tank Talk on Crime". Perhaps a special delivery Tankagram?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

I Suspect

...The same people who run my health club are secretly running the country.

On the wall of the machine room is taped an invoice showing the shiny new rowing machine in corner cost an ungodly $1228. Excuse me? Is this supposed to make me feel good? My membership dues at work? Wow, look at that investment! Isn't that shiny! I feel healthier already! Whew! Sure glad they didn't spend, oh, say a $1.39 for a bottle of bleach and disinfect any of the existing equipment. Rip out any creepy carpeting and put in tile. Sanitize and paint the lockers. Heck, no, that's just crazy talk. Sparkly new equipment, that's what I'm here for, buddy.

Except... I've been going to this club over a year. I saw the old rowing machine. Dirty. Old. Unattractive. UNUSED. Gathering dust. UNUSED. Neglected. UNUSED.

So let me guess. Some genius decided, hey, let's buy some new equipment. What is the one thing no one is using? The rowing machine? What a great idea! We'll buy a rowing machine because the only reason no one is using that one is because it's so sad. As soon as we put a new one in, there will be a line three deep waiting for it!

Let me tell you, the only reason the line is three deep to use the rowing machine is because all the ellipticals and treadmills have "Out of Order" signs on them! Buying an 8-track tape player is not going to get all the kids to dump their iPods, idiots.

Oh, wait, people want to work on their rowing skills for the Cardboard Cup Regatta? A guy named Noah called with a stern warning about what a few warm days could do to the mountains of snow blocking their parking spaces out front?

Don't get me started on the price! For that, it should come with an Evinrude. Better yet, pick up the paper or go to Craigslist - by February first about ten thousand workout-Christmas gifts should be up for sale cheap.

Really find it hard to believe the suggestion box was stuffed with "Oh, please, a new rowing machine!!!" More like, "Oh, please, a towel I can't see through!"

Did a world-famous rowing athlete bestow a grant or leave money in her will for this windfall? I surfed around to try and find some, and let me tell you, they are household names! I'm surprised Michael Jordan didn't join a crew during his (wink, wink) retirement period from basketball. Yep, that's where the glory is - keeping a small boat from sinking.

Now that my health club executive committee has solved the little speed bump of what to do with twelve hundred dollars, I'm sure they can go right on to ...

health care!!

Saturday, January 09, 2010

I'm Needed!

To go to a warmer clime and save animals that need a warmer clime!

Actually, this could be a blessing as the Iguana is an invasive species and Florida needs to round them up. But these poor guys are another story!

Nice to see NASA doing something other than faking moon landings. Where can I volunteer??

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

First Sign of the Apocalypse

First? How about final? It's when gas is at Fourth-of-July weekend prices the first week of January!! What's going on? OPEC spooked by rumors of economic recovery? So many jobless that commuting purchases are down? Dick Cheney and cronies didn't have a merry enough Christmas?

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Too eHarmony for Me


Are you using any social networking sites? Hangin' out online with your frat buddies? Reconnecting with the little red haired girl? Did she 'friend' you? Are you pathetic enough to care?

I've tried it, and you know what? If I didn't like you in high school, I don't want to see you in cyberspace. People can search you by name or home town and send you a howdy-do hoping your ego is so massive you'll immediately befriend them on a mysterious power-trip to gather the most chits of other losers looking to vicariously post ancient photos and send pseudo-hugs. Barf.

The biggest thrill I got was from clicking "Ignore" when some human flotsam arose out of the ether and banged on my drawbridge. I've only run into one person "live" who noted I chose not to let them in my inner sanctum of scientifically sound "What Dog Breed Are You?" testing results. Boo Hoo. Deal with it sweetie.

This got me to thinking. If I enjoyed the Ignore button so much, why is there no public 'unfriend' button? It's my understanding that on most of these sites, there is no notification that you have been dropped from someone's roster. You find it out by trying to access that person's account and being told you would have to send a new friend request. Nice way to find out your main squeeze has moved on. I'm all for more descriptive status lines, too. Why not: Ticked Off at Partner and Entertaining Other Offers? Bet that would boost quite a few relationships, real and virtual. Single and Desperate? Short, to the point. Married and Dissatisfied. Ditto.

Let's face it, we could all use a CapoteBook site, where it's not who you Friend, it's who you Un-friend. And show it for all the world to see!!! Real time updates! The fickle friend of fate!

Missy has just Un-Friended Greg

Greg has just Un-Friended Missy, but Missy did it first.

Greg just tagged all of Missy's photos with the word 'whore'.

Missy just sent all males in Greg's Friend Account a Revenge-Sex-Shout Out.

Greg has just e-mailed Missy's Mother her Capote-Book Password.

Now there's a site I want to join!


I'm not published???

I Wonder If...

All across America little girls are fighting
over me as their number one
Fantasy Shopping League Draft Pick???

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Once Again

I have failed to get the happy meal toys I wanted. Seems I can't get the little horsey-type animal. I could care less about the humanoid looking ones, just like the animals. Cameron gave them nice names - I have a Hammerhead Titanothere and a Great Leonopteryx. I am lacking the Dire Horse, so if anyone has one they can send over, let me know. I don't even desire to see the movie, just liked the little toys. They light up and make noises, pretty good for a buck!

Is this the same focus group...

WASHINGTON — The city council in the nation's capital voted Tuesday to recognize same-sex marriages from states that approve them, a step that could propel the emotional issue into Congress and draw Democrats into a culture-wars battle with each other.
Former Washington Mayor Marion Barry cast the lone council vote against recognizing same-sex marriages. He called it an "agonizing and difficult decision" that he made after praying and consulting with his constituents and the religious community.

...that said doing crack with a girlfriend is fine? Forgetting to file income tax forms for eight years is OK, if you're really busy? Having numerous legal charges mysteriously dropped is just a perk of office? Who wound your moral compass all the way past "flip-flop" to "totally incomprehensible"?

Horse Abuse

Horses' fate spurs probe

SOUTHWEST RANCHES, Fla. - -- He never won a single race and finished his last attempt a humiliating 35 lengths behind the winner. Now investigators want to know if Dance Hall Graeme, a descendant of one of the most celebrated thoroughbreds in racing history, was condemned to death at a slaughterhouse.

The 4-year-old thoroughbred was found by one of his former trainers on Christmas Day in Miami-Dade County.

Laurie Goedecke recognized the emaciated gelding and a filly in a photo published with a newspaper article about illegal butchery farms. She had helped train the two horses this year at Calder Race Course in Miami Gardens.

She said she found Dance Hall Graeme looking gaunt, with blood in his nose and ulcers in his mouth. The filly wasn't doing much better. Goedecke said the property owner didn't protest as she and a friend led the horses away in a trailer.

But Dance Hall Graeme, an offspring of Triple Crown winner Secretariat, was later euthanized. The filly is slowly recovering at Goedecke's friend's farm in Southwest Ranches.

Miami Dade police have launched an investigation to see whether the farm where the horses were found has been butchering horses illegally. Under Florida law, a horse can be slaughtered only for its owner's consumption.

Richard Couto, who started the Animal Recovery Mission to investigate slaughterhouses, also is looking into the case.

Couto alleges that farm is just one of many in the Miami-Dade area that is killing retired racehorses to meet the black market for horse meat. "It brings in hundreds of thousands of dollars," said Couto.

Goedecke said she had found a home for Dance Hall Graeme in north Florida after his owner retired him in November. But instead, the gelding was allegedly sold or given to someone who worked at Calder Race Course.

The allegation shocked officials at the race course. Calder has "zero tolerance" for the illegal sale of horses for slaughter, spokeswoman Michele Blanco said.

Moral: No matter who your great-great grandsire is, coming in 35 lengths behind the winner will get you a trip to the dog food factory. Or in this case, the people-food factory.