Saturday, May 30, 2009

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! 2

Excuse me, would you mind holding these socks while you do that?
If you thought May was about over, you must not own a Maytag appliance!

With hours to go left in the month, the washing machine has decided the Spin cycle is just too much effort. Why not just leave all those heavy soggy clothes in a heap at the bottom of the drum? I mean, who's going to do anything about it? The Maytag Repairman? Ha ha ha ha.

Me: The washer is broke!!

Al: (Settling down on couch, nice and comfy) Bring me the manual. I want to read the trouble shooting guide.

Me: (returning with huge folder of mockumentation) It says here, "If the drum fails to spin, congratulations, you have bought a Maytag."

******** 20 minutes later **********************************************

Al reclines on couch, working Sudoku without a care in the world...

Me: Well if the back panel of the washer looks like a 9 X 9 grid, I guess we're all set...

Today's To-Do List

Clear throat uncomfortably.

Don't make eye contact.

Stick hands in pockets.

Whistle nervously.

Rock back and forth a little bit on heels.

Twitch one eye.

Practice look of stern disapproval.

Wait for China to do something about North Korean nuclear testing.
Oh, wait, that's the White House's to do list! Now where did mine go?

You Could Be the Champions Again

I have never watched an episode of American Idol, but I kept hearing about Adam, and when the whole Queen thing came up, I decided I needed to seek this out. Sign Adam! And write some REAL rock songs!! You kind of wasted Paul, don't blow this one. Someone send a text message to John Deacon. Is he sure he doesn't need a few pounds?

Friday, May 29, 2009


ELMONT, N.Y. -- Rachel Alexandra, the brilliant filly who won the Preakness Stakes, will not run in the 141st Belmont Stakes, her owner Jess Jackson said in a press release late Friday afternoon.

After careful consideration, we have decided not to run Rachel Alexandra in the Belmont Stakes next weekend. We have advised Calvin Borel, Chip Woolley and Belmont of our decision. We thank them, the media and the fans for their many courtesies and patience while we pondered.

The Lost Readership

The book will be published on September 15
with an initial print run of 5 million copies,
which will be the largest first printing in
publisher Random Houses's history.

Langdon: Hello, I'm Professor Robert Langdon, I was called from Harvard regarding the missing money.

Buxom Bimbo: Harvard? The place with the cow? We used to go there for the parade when I was a kid!

Langdon: Uh.... no, I'm a symbologist.

BB: Oh, you can't eat cows. I'm sorry. Must be hard living there.

Langdon: The money. The missing money?

BB: Yeah, it's supposed to be right here! Millions and millions of dollars.

Langdon: It's a leather bound ledger, looks rather new. It seems to be missing many $$$$, and perhaps more than a few commas.

BB: I told you! There's no money! All that has been left behind is this odd little rectangle.

Langdon: Man, that's one ugly rectangle. Not golden at all.

BB: (gasping) Looks like blood.

Langdon: No, it's ink. Red ink. Over here - look, it's the letters IAWG

BB: Is that the sacred name of God?

Langdon: More powerful than that. It stands for International Affiliation of Writer's Guilds! Do you know what that means?

BB: No!

Langdon: That's no rectangle - that's a Remainder Bin!!!!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Cheap Snakes On a Plane!

Feelin' lucky punk? Nine-dollar airfare lucky?

For $9, this will NOT be your pilot

This will

Media buzz surrounds the decision by Jet America to offer $9 seats in order to hype their new venture of serving small and mid-size cities.

Now of course, there are a few caveats:

Only the first nine seats go for nine dollars. Fair enough.

$20 extra to book by phone. $10 by Internet. What about snail mail?

Lansing, South Bend and Toledo are only a few of the spectacular getaway locations they serve!

$15 to check a bag. You could pay that anywhere.

I'm guessing there are some other little tidbits the investigative journalists have yet to uncover. Things like, oh, let's see...

A $159.95 Fuel Surcharge?

Nine dollars to get on the plane - nine hundred to get off?

BYOB policy? Bring your own Bungee - doubles as a seat belt, or a way to keep your luggage strapped to the wing. Your choice.

Snacks? Be sure to bring enough to share.

On the plus side, I bet there are some perks this smaller and cheaper airline can offer that the big chains can't. Like...

Snakes on a Plane! Or cats. Yappy dogs. Pet monkeys. Who cares? There are no flight attendants and the pilot is locked behind that silver door, so anything goes.

Want to use your Blackberry in-flight? Go ahead! The fleet is so old, there's no pesky electronic equipment to interfere with on these planes.

In fact, a long scarf and goggles might be a good idea.

Ina Gadda Da-Ida*

Ida like to be rich enough to keep this in my closet for twenty years...

Missing link? Or just a really good public relations firm? All I can say is, I enjoyed the History Channel special and think anything promoting science over Lindsay Lohan's love life is to be embraced.

Read this helpful article for some quick points. Did you catch the Google logo? Cute!

Bottom Line: One of the best fossils ever found, as it is so complete and even shows stomach contents! Let's see how good you look after 47 million years.

*Dr Jorn Hurum of Norway named the fossil after his daughter and pronounces it "E-da"

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Obama's New Dental Plan

Stamping out Terrorisim, One Scowl at a Time

Let me get this straight: I can pursue happiness, I just can't show it...

"Neutral facial expressions" are required at departments of motor vehicles (DMVs) in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia. That means you can't smile, or smile very much. Other states may follow.

The serious poses are urged by DMVs that have installed high-tech software that compares a new license photo with others that have already been shot. When a new photo seems to match an existing one, the software sends alarms that someone may be trying to assume another driver's identity.

In Illinois, photo matching has stopped 6,000 people from getting fraudulent licenses since the technology was launched in 1999, says Beth Langen, the state head of Drivers Services.

Excuse me? Thousands of people get fraudulent licenses in Illinois due to corrupt Governors, not phony photo IDs!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Happy World Turtle Day!

World Turtle Day was initiated in 2000 by the American Tortoise Rescue, a turtle and tortoise rescue organization founded in 1990 in Malibu, California. The group brings attention to turtle conservation issues and highlights ways each of us can help protect these gentle but jeopardized animals.

Click here for the Humane Society's suggestions on how to help:

Hmmmm. I hope no one reports the time I dressed Gamara up as Stegosaurus for Halloween...

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Check out Cars on Death Row!

Dodge Viper: Dodge hasn't officially said anything about a possible cancellation, but the Viper is in danger. Newer designs like the Chevrolet Corvette ZR1 and Nissan GT-R nearly equal its performance and offer far more livability. Also troubling is that Dodge has halted production of the Viper and has publicly tried to sell the design rights to other automakers and parts suppliers.

Since When?

...Does a Corvette fail to make an automotive top-ten list, especially one like this? Oh, wait, you have to be CAUGHT to be ticketed...

10 Most Ticketed Cars per U.S. News

1. Hummer H2
People who love the Hummer H2 probably love its bold, imposing looks. Apparently, cops love the H2 because it helps them meet their ticket quotas. Here's a tip: If you have an H2, maybe you shouldn't drive it near then end of the month when traffic cops are scrambling to make their numbers.
2. Scion tC
Seeing the tC on the most-ticketed list makes sense, given its popularity with young people. Its sporty performance, which comes at a price that makes affording tickets easy, probably helps tempt some drivers as well.
3. Scion xB
Like the Scion tC, the xB is aimed at younger drivers. Still, when you look at the xB's less-than-stellar performance, it's safe to assume that all the tickets xB drivers are getting aren't moving violations.
4. Mercedes Benz CLK63 AMG
If you're lucky enough to have a Mercedes AMG -- any AMG -- then a few tickets are worth unleashing this luxurious beast. Besides, if you've got a Mercedes, you can probably afford a few traffic citations.
5. Toyota Solara Coupe
Now, here's a surprise. The fifth most ticketed car is the Toyota Solara Coupe. Essentially a two-door Camry, the Solara isn't known for road-thrashing performance. Maybe Solara drivers just get a lot of parking tickets.
6. Mercedes Benz CLS63 AMG
The CLS63 AMG is another luxury performance car, so it's no shocker to see its drivers among the most ticketed. The question is: With all that power, why aren't more CLS63 AMG drivers outrunning the cops?
7. Scion xA
With the xA taking the seventh spot on the ten most ticketed cars list, Scion completes the traffic-ticket hat trick. Toyota's upstart little brand has only come out with four models over its entire lifespan -- and three of them will likely get you a date in traffic court.
8. Subaru Outback
Subarus have a reputation of being yuppie grocery getters, but the Outback manages to prove that stereotype wrong by being one of the top ten most ticketed cars. Apparently, the Outback is the car of choice for people who need to get to Whole Foods in a hurry, and maybe park illegally once they're there.
9. Audi A4
Audi often finds itself in the shadows of Mercedes and BMW, but not when it comes to getting tickets. The Audi A4 is the ninth most ticketed car in America.
10. Toyota Matrix
The Toyota Matrix is often credited for bringing SUV styling to small cars. Now it can also be credited to bringing insurance rate increases to thousands of its owners.

10 Least Ticketed Cars

1. Jaguar XJ
The Jaguar XJ gives drivers a smooth ride and an opulent interior. As the least- ticketed car in America, it also seems to provide the ability to fly under radar guns. There's a feature they won't tell you about at the dealership.
2. Chevrolet Suburban
Suburban drivers tend to need their large SUVs for hauling people or towing trailers, not breaking land speed records. So it's not surprising to see it on the list of least-ticketed cars.
3. Chevrolet Tahoe
The Tahoe shares some architecture with the Hummer H2, the most-ticketed car in America. Despite the two having similar sizes, the Tahoe manages not to attract as much police attention.
4. Chevrolet Silverado 2500 and 3500
It's no shocker to find Chevrolet's heavy-duty trucks among the least-ticketed vehicles. These trucks are usually bought for their towing ability, not for impromptu drag races.*
5. Buick Park Avenue
While Buick has recently begun to increase the oomph in their cars, the now- discontinued Park Avenue helped solidify the brand's image as cars for the senior set. No wonder Park Avenue drivers tend not to get very many tickets.
6. Mazda6
The largest car in Mazda's line up, the Mazda6 has plenty of the brand's zoom-zoom, yet still manages to be among the least-ticketed cars. If you love driving sporty sedans but can't take seeing any more red and blue lights in your rearview mirror, the Mazda6 may be just the car for you.
7. Buick Rainier
The now-discontinued Buick Rainier is a largely forgettable attempt at a near- luxury SUV. Maybe that forgettable nature keeps cops from noticing when one commits a traffic offense.
8. Oldsmobile Silhouette
Finding a minivan from Oldsmobile on the list of least-ticketed cars isn't surprising. What's surprising is that anyone is still driving a Silhouette.
9. Buick Lucerne
The Buick Lucerne offers a near-luxury experience at an affordable large car price. Being one of the least-ticketed cars means that the Lucerne's affordability continues after it's bought, thanks to fewer fines and lower insurance rates.
10. GMC Sierra 1500
The GMC Sierra is an attractive truck for work or play. With its ability to haul or tow heavy loads, this truck will do anything you ask it to, including avoiding traffic citations.

* I need to show this to Al, who has been ticketed in one. In fact, I was in it once when he tried to hit 100 and the motor really does shut down as you get around 90!! It was weird.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

You Went, Girl!

She did it! I had a whopping $4 bet, which yielded $10.80, but that's OK, I was just betting on her to show support.

Tally for the season:

Derby - $10 bet, $2 refunded = -$8

Preakness-$10 bet, $10.80 won = +.80

Currently down $7.20...

Rachel Alexandra went into the race as the favorite and did not disappoint.

It certainly looked as if she could have been overtaken had the race been longer, so there's only one logical thing to do - enter her in the Belmont. The Belmont has broken more hearts than any other race - just look back at last year's suspicious performance by Big Brown who certainly failed to deliver. I really wanted to see War Emblem win a Triple Crown, but he stumbled out of the gate and never recovered.

What if Rachel Alexandra wins the Belmont? First off, I hope it silences forever the "neigh"-Sayers who think a filly can't compete against the colts. Secondly, it liken her to one of the most magnificent racehorses of all time, Man O' War. Man O' War never competed in the Derby as his owner didn't care for Kentucky or running a 3 yr. old a mile and a quarter that early in the season.

Better yet, imagine for a second that I Want Revenge was healthy enough to come into the Belmont and win? Then we could have all three horses come to Arlington Park for the Million and settle it once and for all. Just my humble suggestion.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

You Go, Girl!

Rachel Alexandra has pulled the (lucky?) 13th post and been declared an early Preakness favorite! All eyes will be on this filly who has so much to prove, and I really hope she annihilates the field, just like in the Oaks. Turns out an owner change is what precipitated the new direction, and I for one am all for it - I'd love to see a stretch run with Mine That Bird, or any other colt that thinks she's a pretender.

A hoof beat away from the track record - listen for Calvin's declaration "She's the best horse I've ever been on".

Filly Could Liven Up Preakness Field

» Links to this article
By Andrew BeyerSpecial to The Washington Post Thursday, May 7, 2009; 8:53 AM

The outlook for the 134th Preakness may have changed radically after prominent owner Jess Jackson announced the purchase of Rachel Alexandra.

The 3-year-old filly dazzled the racing world with her 20 1/4 -length victory in the Kentucky Oaks, and it was arguably a better performance than Mine that Bird delivered when he won the Derby the next day. Rachel Alexandra's veteran trainer Hal Wiggins immediately scotched any speculation that the filly might challenge colts in the Preakness.

But yesterday Jackson's Stonestreet Farm issued a news release saying that the owner had purchased the filly.

"She is fast, strong and durable -- the trait we should be breeding into all future generations of racehorses," Jackson said, adding that he intends to breed Rachel Alexandra to Curlin -- his now-retired champion, the winner of the 2007 Preakness -- when her racing career is over.

However, it is her near-term plans that pique the racing world. Rachel Alexandra was not nominated for the Preakness, but she could be supplemented to the race for a fee of $100,000 -- a pittance to the billionaire Jackson. Not only does he have the money, he may have the will. He never shied from challenges with Curlin. Instead of retiring him at 3, he campaigned the colt as a 4-year-old, racing him in Dubai and trying him on both grass and synthetic surfaces.

He has not yet given any indication of his plans for Rachel Alexandra -- the filly is being transferred today to the barn of trainer Steve Asmussen -- but if she runs at Pimlico on May 16 her presence will inject new excitement into the race. And she would probably be the favorite.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

How to Have a Really Bad Morning

Put stress on yourself to 'leave early' because you drove your gas tank down to vapors and really, really need to get gas BEFORE work.

Take bright red plastic jewelry out of Ziploc baggie to wear moments before leaving. Notice one earring post has popped off. Run about frantically looking for crazy glue. Make sloppy mess gluing earring back together. Wait five seconds. Put earring on. Leave.

Pass first gas station while swearing at OPEC. Drive one mile to next station. Begin having heart palpitations when seeing your 'best best' station is ten cents higher than the last one. Turn around. Go back to station one.

Open little door and cap. Move nozzle near hole. Watch gas come spewing out all over side of car, despite not yet selecting 'high octane'. Panic. Put gas in while searching for napkins in car. Finish pumping gas and run in station yelling, "water, where is the water?". Note employee and customers think you are nuts or possibly on fire. Perhaps both, but they can't be bothered to point. Find sink and wet napkins. Wipe car.

Arrive at work worried the paint will peel off car before you can get home and re-wax it. Push hair out of eyes and realize some of it is now glued to ear and/or earring. Yank.

Wonder if earring removal will require screwdriver or ice....

Time: 7:46 a.m. It's going to be a lonnnnng day....

Wish I'd Thought of This...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Days of our Geta Lives

The soap opera that is Thoroughbred horse racing heats up this week as we near Saturday's Preakness Stakes...

Turns out that the owners of the filly Rachel Alexandra - who turned in a commanding win at the Kentucky Oaks as her owners didn't want to run her in the Derby (where she belonged!) - suddenly want to enter her in the Preakness, despite her lack of advance nomination.

This has caused a panic for several reasons, few of which are legitimate.

Seems there was a sudden flood of entrants (capped at fourteen) specifically designed to keep Rachel Alexandra out, as at this point she would have to put up $100, 000 extra just for consideration as a starter. Some owners commented a filly has no place racing with colts, and cited the Eight Belles tragedy as some sort of proof. So they began nominating other horses from their stables that were eligible - despite the fact that they have never won a race! Insane. Why are they so afraid of her? Are they really worried she'll break a leg in front of their horse and cause an accident? Or are they fearful of her speed? Why would they want Borel on Mine That Bird again?

Adding to the drama is the fact that Mine That Bird's super-jockey Calvin Borel would never have been on Mine That Bird had Rachel Alexandra raced in the Derby - he would have been on Rachel Alexandra. He's previously gone on record promising to ride her in every race and feels she is the superior pick!

Borel has already agreed to ride Rachel Alexandra for the rest of the
year. The duo are unbeaten in five starts since he took over as her jockey last
fall, including a 20 1/4-length win in the Oaks on May 1.
Allen said Mike Smith, who won the 2005 Kentucky Derby with Giacomo, will ride Mine That Bird if Borel is on Rachel Alexandra.
"That's a pretty good backup plan," he said with a laugh. "We're not crying in our beer right now."


Fortunately, Al was able to fix the dishwasher with a $10 switch. Once again we have clean dishes. I was fully prepared to serve everything on Tortillas and coffee filters, if need be, as I despise hand-washing dishes.

I'll get even with you yet, Maytag.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!


We have actual appliance failure folks, just as predicted!!!!

This is too much.

Click on the links below under I'm Seeing a Pattern Here, "Maytag Sucks". You'll see (by waving your mouse over the white text that appeared when this blog was green, long ago) that in March of 2007 our Maytag Dishwasher was recalled.

I guess the insurance lawsuits from thousands of house fires put a little pressure on them to admit they knowingly make and ship dangerous crap and never fess up. So a repair man replaced a switch. Guess what went out? A switch.

When Al opened the unit up you could see repair guy forgot to replace a screw. Whether that had anything to do with the switch malfunction, I am unable to prove, but this is ridiculous. I'm sick and tired of appliance uprisings (see my take on the appliance breakdowns of Biblical proportions here.) and vow revenge on the Maytag Corporation and all its evil issue.

Maytag Sucks!!!!

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Wonderful Weekend

Some people adopt a village in Africa.

Some people find a vaccine for Polio.

Some people volunteer with youths at risk.

And some people buy black cars.

Yep. The time it took me to clean the interior, wash, polish, and wax my RSX S type today was quite significant, yet so worth it. Nothing like being able to see yourself in a plastic bumper.

Speaking of plastic, there are two new cracks in my car that weren't there the last time I washed. I don't know if the harsh winter had something to do with it, but a piece of plastic on the door handle has a crack and the little spoiler on the back has one too. I probably have several cancerous moles on my body that I've never noticed, but I can show you the location of every ding on any car I own.

The next nice weekend? I can look forward to doing it all again for the Vette...

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Never Saw It Coming

And neither did any of the jockeys or horses in this afternoon's Kentucky Derby!

As the owners and trainer noted, this breathtaking win owes much to jockey Calvin Borel's incredible skill. Still, all that talent would have went unrecognized if he didn't have so much horse under him. Be sure to catch a replay of the race, it defies simple description.

My pick, I Want Revenge, was scratched. Really can't think of a better name for a horse that might appear at the Preakness though, can you?

Baffert did very well with Pioneerof the Nile, but the shocking upset was wonderful racing drama.

Price of Mine That Bird - $9,500 - Winner

Price of Desert Party - $2.1 million - finished fourteenth

Look on the face of whomever made the decision to geld Mine That Bird - Priceless!

Derby Picks!

My bets are as follows:

$2 on #13 I Want Revenge to win...

$2 on #18 Nowhere to Hide

$2 Exacta on #15 Dunkirk & #20 Flying Private

$2 Exacta Box on #2 Musket Man & #6 Freisian Fire

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

No, this isn't another post decrying the quality and workmanship of Maytag products.

(But Maytag STILL Sucks).

It's a screed on how the first day of May is apparently the moment OPEC turns its 40 Billionth dollar of profit for the calendar year - and stays on track to double that figure each month for the next four months - gas prices jumped thirty cents!!

This is an outrage. I drove around to four stations before finding nauseating-but-I-think-I-can-keep-last-night's-dinner-down prices at the shiny new station that for some reason always has pump software problems. This joint is pretty new, but their pumps are never working. Today, it was merely a sign that said you can't buy a car wash at the pump. I can deal with that. There have been plenty of please pay inside days, we can't give you a receipt at the pump days and plain old gas isn't even pumping days. But, they do have among the best prices I can find, so I suffer through it. Also, this is the joint I discovered gives a free 16 oz. coffee with fill-up. Flavored coffee.

So at these prices, I figure they owe me a Styrofoam cup and the two Splendas I slipped in my purse. As I'm pumping, a '67 red Corvette** convertible with side pipes goes by, just to make me feel even more inadequate. Angrily, I stuff a plastic straw into my Styrofoam cup of steaming Hazelnut Cream Joe.

Go ahead carcinogenic chemicals released from the plastic. Make my day!*

Slurp! Ahhh... nothing tastes as good as FREE.

*All this fury from a woman who just left an hour and half long Yoga class. Imagine how stressed I'd be without it.
**Just in case you're not into cars, this is like the Holy Grail of automobiles.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Actual Conversation at the Getalife Household

The scene: darkened living room, lit by glow of an obnoxiously sized hi-def TV. AL lies sprawled on couch, box of tissue and meticulously completed (in black ink, no smudges or hash marks) Sudoku by his side.

Me: How are you?

Al: I don't feel well.

Me: Do you have flu symptoms?

Al: What are flu symptoms?

Me: (incredulous) You know, fever, chills, aches... Oinking...


Could someone please photoshop this to read 'somewhat infected pig'?
Not just me, but all the news outlets. Seems the Swine Flu outbreak may not be as bad as anticipated. Really now? Did we get all worked up for nothing? So that something much more insidious could sneak past us? What if TV actually reported news of stuff that could kill you based on the likelihood that it would kill you?

Hmmm... let's see now... according to the CDC, this is the chart we would need:

Number of deaths for top ten leading causes of death
Heart disease: 652,091
Cancer: 559,312
Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 143,579
Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 130,933
Accidents (unintentional injuries): 117,809
Diabetes: 75,119
Alzheimer's disease: 71,599
Influenza/Pneumonia: 63,001
Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 43,901
Septicemia: 34,136

Flu is #8, and that's without any mutations. So I'll go with giving it a large chunk of the nightly news. Let's see... murder? Terrorism? Death by Diet Pill? Snakes on a Plane? Not even close to making the list.

After studying this, at least 22 minutes of a 30 minute news program would be about heart disease. (Interspersed with McDonalds commercials) Yawn.

The mutation jumps at midnight, pass it on!