Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Have a Heart, Association

Dear Charitable Organization:

Do you really think in this economy I have money to give you? You sure have money to hound me with, however.

Do you really think spelling my name wrong is the way to my wallet? It's not that unusual, people.

That killing trees by the thousand to stuff my mailbox with your junky calendars will make me donate to your conservation group?

Do you really think those harelip baby photographs you send will soften my heart to the point of sending you money rather than exclaiming, "Ewwww!" and tossing your missive in the nearest trash?

Lung Cancer Foundation - why don't you just send me some balloons? Those stickers are stupid.

And you, Macular Degeneration foundation - sure, the extra large print on the envelope was worth a snicker, but it won't work with me. I don't see myself giving you any hard earned cash in the near future. (Not when my eye doctor thinks he's going to retire on one exam ...mine, apparently!)

My personal favorite? The Alzheimer's Research Foundation. I've been meaning to give, but I forgot where I put your envelope.

One of the few do I give to? Disabled American Veterans. They send me cute address labels and spell my name right.

Want my money non-profit? Help sea turtles or needy Corvettes and send me some nice address stickers. It's not rocket science.

As if you had to ask if it was genetic...

So I'm telling my mother about the shopping mall shooting, and she says: "It happened in a Sears? Well, thank goodness there were no bystanders to get hurt."

Yep. That's my mom.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Call Crackers!!

I so hope Michael Moore makes a documentary out of this!!

GENESEE COUNTY, Michigan -- Scrap metal thieves have stooped to stealing manhole covers and sewer grates right off the street.Not only is it costly for taxpayers, the disappearing covers create a hazard for drivers and people just walking along the road. "That would be a long drop," said Lyle Hippensteel, utility superintendent for the city of Flint.In the past year, the city has had to replace nearly 400 manhole covers and grates that officials believe were likely stolen and sold for scrap.

If You've Seen One Shopping Center Shooting, You've Seen A Mall

Did we need further evidence I'm living on borrowed time? Not likely. Excerpts from AP reports below:

FLORISSANT, Mo. (AP) — A man recently divorced from his wife of more than 20 years shot and killed her inside a suburban St. Louis mall on Wednesday before committing suicide, police said. No one else was injured but the Jamestown Mall in Florissant was evacuated.
If it were 'coupon day', I'd demand a raincheck.

The motive for the shooting just outside the Sears store had not been determined, Panus said.
Spouse shopping at Sears is motive enough for me.

Jamestown Mall is in far northern St. Louis County. It has about 60 stores and restaurants. It was not immediately clear when it would reopen.
Or if they would offer Revolver Credit...

Monday, July 14, 2008


Here's two words that shouldn't even be in the same sentence: HEMI Hybrid.

Hemi Hybrid Hijinks
The introduction of Chrysler’s first hybrids could be misconstrued as a bad practical joke. That’s because Chrysler’s Dodge Durango and Chrysler Aspen Hybrids will pair up a hybrid gas-electric system—the symbol of automotive virtue—with a powerful Hemi engine, which is best known for winning car races. Blending such different technologies may turn out to be either a great idea, a source of confusion, or a cause for outrage—or all of these things at the same time.
Looks green to me!

Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Lunch Menu Can't Roam...

ASHLAND, Mont. (AP) - Talk about fast food: One school is searching for more than 130 bison that wandered away from its lunch program.

Curtis Yarlott, executive director of the St. Labre Indian School, said the animals were probably spooked by a thunderstorm over Memorial Day weekend and ran through a fence.

The bison, which provide meat for the school, were last seen on a neighboring property June 3, but constant rain made it difficult to round them up.

"We don't know where they're at and what they're up to," he said. "Probably no good."

Only 13 bison from the herd have wandered back to the ranch. Yarlott, who hired a plane to search for the missing beasts, said the animals could have been rounded up and taken to market.
Ranch manager Ray Orthman agreed. "I think somebody took them," he said. "They were tame. They'd follow you like dogs."

What? School cafeteria lunches are supposed to taste horrible. It's part of growing up. Yet here's a school with Bison on the menu! Have you ever tasted bison? It makes beef taste like Alpo compared to Fillet Mignon. I think Bison is my favorite meat. I'd love to have a buffalo in my back yard, but I've heard they are very dangerous and aggressive. But not these guys. Go figure.

King of Sellouts

Won't catch me playing football.

Cheap foreign labor to take jobs from American* draft horses!!

OK, technically, Clydesdales are from Scotland, but it's been awhile, so... How about a Belgian Shepherd replacing the Dalmatian, too?

Harder to 'spot' on the wagon, wouldn't you agree?

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

What Congress Was Doing As Gas Prices Began to Rise

The United States House of Representatives supports the designation of a `National Corvette Day' to honor the Chevrolet Corvette.
RES 970 IH 110th CONGRESS 2d Session
H. RES. 970

Expressing support for designation of June 30 as `National Corvette Day'.
February 7, 2008

Mr. SHIMKUS (for himself, Mr. KILDEE, Mr. LEWIS of Kentucky, Mr. PUTNAM, Mr. BRADY of Pennsylvania, and Mr. MCCAUL of Texas) submitted the following resolution; which was referred to the Committee on Oversight and Government Reform

Expressing support for designation of June 30 as `National Corvette Day'.
Whereas the Chevrolet Corvette is America's first sports car;
Whereas the first production Corvette rolled off a Flint, Michigan, assembly line on June 30, 1953;
Whereas the Corvette is now manufactured in Bowling Green, Kentucky;
Whereas the Corvette is the most widely respected production sports car in United States history;
Whereas the Corvette is truly a symbol of American pride;
Whereas General Motors is celebrating its 100th anniversary in 2008; and
Whereas the 30th of June would be an appropriate day to designate as `National Corvette Day': Now, therefore, be it
Resolved, That the United States House of Representatives supports the designation of a `National Corvette Day' to honor the Chevrolet Corvette.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Survival of the Wit-est

Sarcasm Seen as Evolutionary Survival Skill

Welcome to my end of the gene pool! Dark and deep over here, isn't it?

It's also easy to imagine how sarcasm might be selected over time as evolutionarily crucial. Imagine two ancient humans running across the savannah with a hungry lion in pursuit. One guy says to the other, "Are we having fun yet?" and the other just looks blank and stops to figure out what in the world his pal meant by that remark. End of friendship, end of one guy's contribution to the future of the human gene pool.

Amazing she had time to study advanced anthropology between cotillion invitations...