Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What Might Have Been

I'm devastated that Esken-unpronounceable-dereya is out of the Kentucky Derby.

Now what? Lookin' at Lucky looks great on paper - never finished out of the money- but going in as the favorite is pretty much the kiss of death. Devil May Care? I'd love to see a filly (and Pletcher) win it, but I'm not convinced. One thing is for sure - I'll put some money on Super Saver to win. One would think I could get a $2 bet for only a $1.50 on a horse with a name like that...

Friday, April 09, 2010

Your Point Being?

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of.

You're honest and critical. You never hold back, even if you're opinion is controversial.

Okay, let's be honest. You try to make your posts as controversial as possible!

And that's why your audience reads your posts as often as they can.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

There's a Word for That

And that word is spelled w-r-o-n-g. Or perhaps s-a-c-r-i-l-e-g-e.

Just when you thought the dumbing-down of America was pretty much complete, comes this little tidbit: Mattel announced their newest edition of Scrabble will allow proper nouns.

What? After sixty years they're just opening the floodgates of 'but I know someone who spells his name that way'? Are they paying a corporate sponsorship fee to the first couple to name their child Qzxtb? Did they lose a bet with Barbie? Get bored of the Hot Wheels loop?

The games company said it would be introducing the rule change – the first in the game's 62 year history – to "enable younger players" to get involved.

Admit it - you mean the txt gn - why not accept LOL and WTF?

This could cause a power shift between the generations, with those possessing a keen knowledge of the top 40 singles' chart legitimately able to cite such high-scoring examples as singers N-Dubz (17 points) and Jay-Z (23 points).

Oh, like they would be caught dead playing some antique game with tree pieces. With Grandpa.

A Mattel spokesman said: "The layout, the colors of the board, the rules and the game itself have all remained unchanged for over 60 years.

So let's mess it up! Let's change for the sake of change! Let's make the board 3D with sound chips while we're at it. (Hologram adapter sold separately)

"These changes are the biggest news for Scrabble lovers in the history of the game and will provide a great new twist on the old formula. We believe that people who are already fans of the game will enjoy the changes and they will also enable younger players and families to get involved.

That drab old formula that required thought, spelling skills and a dictionary. Yes, let's get rid of that. People will rush right out to pay $19.59 for a new set of printed instructions inside our box. It will give them a magical site license to play the game with standards lower than your typical Washington Lobbyist.

Why stop at Scrabble? Why not make more games easier for today's ADHD youth?

Like "Chutes". Who wants to scale those pesky ladders? Life should be one big happy slide.

Or "Monopoly - Bailout Edition". Run out of money? All your hotels mortgaged to the hilt? Never fear, just cut up some slips of paper and write denominations on them. Distribute to give your players a federal bailout. No one need ever lose again! Always get out of jail free!

I'd love a more realistic version of "Life" - instead of having twins or going to college they should now offer more likely scenarios like "stay on your parents couch to age thirty" and "do you want fries with that" as an occupation space. No cash in this version. Just Promissory Notes.

(No) Risk - players compete to take over the world with junk bonds and load funds.

(Get a) Clue - players realize they are trapped with a bunch of dislikeable idiots in a drafty old house.

Fortunately, I was able to find this explanation of the whole ruckus online.

Whew! They sure Trickstered me.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Max-imum Auto Abuse

For why"Artsy Types" should not be allowed to purchase collectible automobiles, read this incredible story.

Correction: Incredibly upsetting story.

I remember that promotion! I recall really, really wanting to win. I wasn't sure how I was going to house and finance an entire museum, but those pesky details could be worked out afterward.

Sad to say, I was a bit of a Peter Max fan, but that was when I had no idea about any of this.
Psychedelic paint looks cute on a VW Bug, but if he touches the Polo White exterior of that 53 I'm gonna sic Zora's ghost on him...

Now, I just think of those poor tires rotting into a New York garage floor. It sure wasn't Jerry Seinfeld's building. He would have stepped in. If nothing else, to kick them out so he could have room for his Porsche collection.

I know! They should have done a Hoarders episode on Max. At least that would have been entertaining. I'd volunteer to take them to a good home. I don't know if all 36 could fit in my barn, but I'd sure give it the old college try.

As for me, I'm just awaiting the day I can join the list of very rich comedians who collect cars.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Virtual Retail

Dear Video Game Programmers and Purveyors -

Want more girl gamers? How about a game we can relate to? Like shopping.

Not too hard to develop a dream game for me, that’s for sure. Just throw a little retail therapy into your basic racing game and you’re sure to have me hooked.

First, players select a cool car. Choose carefully! A Ferrari can get you to more stores, quickly; but an Escalade will have more room for purchases. Next a little menu of famous malls will come up, complete with floor plan and list of stores. To win the game, you’ll need something from the shoe category, formal wear category, jeans, etc.

You’ll then be issued a credit line and stack of cards and coupons. Your challenge is to get every item on the list for the best price. Think of all the educational tie-ins! Math skills galore! Trunk size vs. volume and shape of packages = geometry. Finding a good parking spot = probability. Which mall at what time of the day = statistics. Budgeting and coupon redemption = Finance and Accounting.

Throw in some nutrition lessons, too. The winner will be the one who can shop eight hours on a large cappuccino and stick of sugarless gum. Just like real life, the anorexic player will be rewarded.

Not exciting enough? Throw in some Zombies!

Suggested Names:

Grand Shop Auto

World of MallCraft

Wii Love to Shop (with credit card wrist-flicking action!)

Super Shoprio

Mall-tal Combat

Count Me Out

Mailed in my Sensless form the other day. If the Government wants to know where I live, why don’t they just use GoogleMaps like everyone else and save the taxpayers a few billion?

What’s with asking if I own my home free and clear? Smacks of socialism. What’s it to you, Government? Thinking up new ways to tax the five fiscally responsible people left in America? Trying to decide how many more billions to throw at the banks that made all those stupid lending decisions? Need to know who might put up a fight while you’re declaring Eminent Domain willy-nilly?

How many people live in my house? More than I’d like. How’s that for an answer? Not interested in getting any more representation, thank you. The idiots elected now don’t need any further help.

Race? What does it matter? All I can do is pick a box I “identify with”. So what? Does that somehow mean I’ll be perceived that race by the Government or my neighbors? Of course not. People and institutions can discriminate based on all kinds of wacky and erroneous perceptions. Why even care what I think? Unless you want to round me up and put me in a detention camp for lying on an official form. Won’t happen? Don’t be so sure. The Census Bureau has a wonderfully colorful history of having its data mined by other divisions. Credit them for helping find draft dodgers, fill internment camps and generally terrorizing the citizenry.

Supposedly, it has to do with representation. Do we get a certain amount of legislators of a certain race? Nope. Just a money ploy. Sad to say, America is actually well below the average of most other nations as to the number of women holding public office. Which explains so much.