Monday, June 30, 2008

Wish I'd Said That!

"Here's good news -- Bill Clinton will be out on the campaign trail getting people to vote for Obama. Isn't that what he was doing for Hillary? But Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I'm thinking, wow, this could really be the year for Ralph Nader." --David Letterman

When Food is So Darn Expensive,

Why am I so Fat????

Now That's Ruff!

NEW YORK - Leona Helmsley's dog isn't quite as well-heeled as she used to be.

Manhattan Surrogate Judge Renee Roth has reduced the trust fund for the little dog, named Trouble, from $12 million to $2 million.

The remaining $10 million now goes to Helmsley's charitable foundation.

What is this country coming to when you can't even leave your pet twelve million? How else are you supposed to snub snotty grandchildren?

You're telling me pretending to be happy to see this face everyday isn't worth every penny of twelve million????

But They're Vegetarians...

Oh, give me a home, Where the Buffalo are harassed...

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyo. - A 12-year-old boy from Pennsylvania was hospitalized after he was flipped into the air by a bull bison at Yellowstone National Park.

Park officials say witnesses reported that the boy was posing last week with members of his family within 1-2 feet of the mature bull bison. The bison flipped the boy about 10 feet in the air.
The incident occurred on a trail near the Grand Canyon of the Yellowstone.

Although the boy's visible injuries were limited to abrasions, he complained of abdominal pain*. He was flown to the Eastern Idaho Regional Medical Center in Idaho Falls.

Authorities are not releasing the boy's name or hometown.

Park rules require visitors to remain at least 100 yards from bears or wolves, and at least 25 yards from all other animals.

*Park officials complained of 'idiot public' pains...

Actual Conversations At My House

Me: "So let me get this straight... The Cubs sweep the series on the North Side, and the Sox sweep the series on the South Side?"

Al: "That's right"

Me: "Oh, that's not rigged for ratings."

Al: "What makes you think they could find two Chicago teams that would agree to cheat?"

Me:"I saw they had the little kids planting oaks at the conservation property down the street today."

Al: "Did you ask them to come down here and plant a few?"

Me: "I was driving a vintage muscle car that burns 93 octane. I wasn't taking any chances by slowing down in front of a group of environmentalists."

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

Going off on a business trip for the next few days, so there will be a little interruption in blogging, but I hope to be posting again soon.

So many sarcastic remarks... so little time...

Anyhoo, in preparation for my trip I needed to pick out some reading material. I'm going by plane, so hardcovers are out. And really, really, thick paperbacks. Just too heavy. Also, I don't want to carry too much back with me, so I'm hoping someone else would like to read them when I'm done and take them off my hands.

I go to the 'book closet' - yes, that's right. I don't have a book shelf. I have a book closet. Stacked from the floor up are all the books I'm 'meaning' to read. I just about fainted when I realized a prison term of anything less than 14 years will result in my dying before all the books I've purchased or borrowed will be read. Good grief! I better get all three I'm taking with me done!!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Seeing Mr. Bill on Prime Time Again... Priceless!!

Not-So-Fresh Water Gator Spotted

So let me get this straight... if you're a non-native species, you DON'T get pumped full of lead in broad daylight? You get rescued from filthy water and find a nice loving home after years of abuse? Well, despite the inequity, I'm very happy this little herp has found her happy ending.
I hope she was detoxed and bathed before heading to her new home!
First there was a wily coyote in Chicago's downtown. Then an ill-fated cougar on the North Side. Now authorities have captured an alligator in the Chicago River.

An employee of a metal manufacturing company found the 5-foot-long reptile Friday in the river's South Branch.

Anne Kent is director of the city's Animal Care and Control Department. She says the alligator didn't try to attack anyone and was safely pulled from the river by a reptile expert. She says the alligator was likely attracted by carp
in that part of the river.

Officials say the alligator was probably a discarded pet. It's in the custody of the reptile expert.

Stand By Until September!

Is this awesome, or what? My favorite book being made into a graphic novel!! What's not to love about a story detailing most of the human population disappearing? Or Stephen King being able to buy another island, or the coast of Canada, if it strikes his fancy. I for one can't wait!

Through a licensing agreement with The Doubleday Broadway Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., Marvel Publishing joins forces this fall with World Fantasy Award-winning writer Stephen King, long acknowledged as the master of modern horror, to bring to life in the graphic fiction format one of the most revered and influential novels ever published: The Stand.

A strong influence on every major pop culture genre from Top 40 songs to the hit TV show LOST--this seminal work has been translated into twenty-two languages and has sold more than 4.5 million copies in the U.S. alone since its publication in 1978.Critically acclaimed as one of King’s greatest works, The Stand presents a post-apocalyptic world in which a band of unlikely heroes must come together to fight one of the most memorable villains in any genre: Randall Flagg.

After a super-flu virus escapes a military station, the epidemic wipes out 99.4% of the world’s population. As the remnants of humanity try to find their way to the safe haven known as “the Free Zone” to rebuild society, they find themselves opposed by a group led by Flagg. The two surviving camps must face off for the fate of the human race. “There's nothing more interesting--and more fun--than seeing an old work take on new life in a new medium.” states Stephen King. “I've enjoyed working with Marvel on The Gunslinger series, and am excited about this collaboration regarding The Stand, which will bring Stu Redman, Frannie Goldsmith, Lloyd Henreid, and Randall Flagg to a new audience.”The comics will be presented as a limited series based on The Stand: The Complete & Uncut Edition to give the most depth and detail possible in this first ever graphic visual adaptation.

The comic series will be available in comic book stores across the country with the first installment available in September, 2008. As with previous partnerships, the entire saga will be overseen by King as the Creative and Executive Director on the comic book series. “Having the opportunity to visualize another Stephen King epic in the comic book format for both new and old readers is incredibly exhilarating,” says Marvel’s Editor-in-Chief, Joe Quesada. “And it’s just an absolute thrill for Marvel--and for me--to be associated with one of the greatest authors to have walked this green earth!”

The series will be adapted by award-winning playwright and writer of TV’s Big Love, Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa (Marvel’s Fantastic Four and Sensational Spider-Man). Harvey award-winning Captain America artist Mike Perkins will be illustrating the series.

“The Stand being adapted as graphic fiction is truly a momentous event for both Marvel Publishing and reading audiences alike!” exclaims Ruwan Jayatilleke, Vice President of development, Marvel Entertainment, Inc. “While we continue to publish compelling fiction with our iconic Super Heroes, Marvel is also applying that same skilled storytelling, creative energy and tremendous momentum to intellectual properties like The Stand—resulting in groundbreaking works in the comic book format.”

Auto Abuse!!

But really, really funny auto abuse... check out Jalopnik's take on the gas crunch: I feel gassy!

We're sure Flo N' Go is sold with the best of intentions, but we can't think of any uses for a 14 gallon gas can with siphoning system other than thieving dino-juice. But since it operates at a somewhat slow rate of two gallons per minute, make sure your victim isn't just running into the store for a quick snack when you begin siphoning. Flo N' Go is available for $170, which would pay for itself in three "fill ups" or so.

I love The Five Best Ways To Steal Gas and one Really Bad Way (above). Very Informative!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Muddy the Situation

Tommy Barlett's water show is all dried up this year, due to the disappearance of Lake Delton on June 9th.

Something tells me he'll make far more with female Mud Wrestling, anyways.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Automobiles

I really hesitate to use the terms 'smart' or 'admirable' to describe the celebrity Pamela Anderson, but how else can I describe an instance of reverse Auto Abuse? Shall I call it Auto Rescue?

"I've been working with PETA for 15 years," Anderson told The Associated Press. "They're kind of my ethical advisers. With them, I see actual results."

The 40-year-old actress recently held a private estate sale to benefit the animal organization, and she's planning to personally oversee the sale of her 2000 Viper, which she customized herself with white racing stripes. The car plays a prominent role in Anderson's forthcoming E! series, "Pam: Girl on the Loose," but she admitted it was dangerous for her to own such a high-performance vehicle.

"I'm a terrible driver," she said. "It's just not a good idea for me to have a Viper."

I'm no fan of PETA, but the thought that she wants to assist animals is of merit. Better still, she's acknowledging her driving limits, unlike almost every other celebrity on the planet. Knowing that a high-performance sports car now has the chance at a happily-ever-after makes me feel all warm inside. As if a ten-cylinder engine fueled with high-octane was ignited. Thanks, Pam.
Disaster averted!!

My Government Tis of Thee...

WASHINGTON -- Less than a month after declaring polar bears a threatened species because of global warming, the Bush administration is giving oil companies permission to annoy and potentially harm them in the pursuit of oil and natural gas.

The Fish and Wildlife Service* issued regulations this week providing legal protection to seven oil companies planning to search for oil and gas in the Chukchi Sea off the northwestern coast of Alaska if "small numbers"** of polar bears or Pacific walruses are incidentally harmed by their activities over the next five years.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service* said oil and gas exploration will have a negligible*** effect on the bears' population.

There is no evidence of a polar bear being killed by oil and gas activities in Alaska since 1993, according to the Fish and Wildlife Service*. Since 1960, when the hunt for oil and gas began in Alaska, only two fatalities of polar bears have been linked to oil and gas activities in the state, the service* said.

*Who would like to continue receiving a paycheck
** Small Numbers is the definition of Threatened Species, for those of you at home keeping score
***If by negligible, you mean "now have an oil rig in their bedroom"

Reasons to Love Spenda

Can this planet recover from the Bush dynasty? This article certainly seems optimistic!

Florida Governor Charlie Crist could be turning his constituents into sugar barons. And he's about to set the stage for the Everglades to come back from the dead.

Environmentalists hope that eventually, the area will become storage reservoirs, treatment marshes and perhaps even a flowway reconnecting the lake to the Glades. This could help recreate the original north-to-south movement of the "River of Grass", and eliminate damaging pulses of excess water into coastal estuaries. That would be good news for panthers and gators, dolphins and herons, ghost orchids and royal palms.

Color me Seawater Skeptical, but this is most definitely a step in the right direction.

Crist has been mentioned as a possible running mate for Senator John McCain, and they both took a lot of flak in Florida last week when they dropped their opposition to offshore drilling. But Crist has been true to his pledge to be "the Everglades governor," replacing many of Jeb Bush's industry-friendly aides with eco-friendly appointees, blocking the Legislature's efforts to eliminate funding for restoration, and stopping the sugar industry from pumping polluted runoff into the lake. In a recent interview with TIME, he hinted that he was planning some "breathtaking changes" for the Everglades. "Putting your heart and soul into it really makes a difference," he said.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Do the Crime, Deal with the Tire Iron to the Skull

From the "I can so relate" file:

CYPRESS, Calif. - Violence broke out at the gas pumps in Orange County. Police say a La Palma doctor waiting in line to buy gas at the Costco warehouse store in Cypress grabbed a tire iron and confronted a motorist who cut into the line.

Sgt. Tom Bruce said the doctor was arrested and booked for investigation of brandishing a deadly weapon in a rude, angry or threatening manner, a misdemeanor.
Witnesses told police the doctor was in line at the pumps Monday evening when another vehicle cut in front of him. When the doctor confronted the motorist with a tire iron, the other driver locked himself in his car and called police.

Once again, I'd like to be an attorney and defend this poor man for free.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Early Morning in Jaipur

"Thank You for calling UPS. How may I assist you?"

I'd like to know where my delivery is.

"Do you have a tracking number, madam?"


"One? One what? I need a twelve-digit tracking number."

No, the program says "One", that's how I placed by bet. Inside post. Position one. I bet my money and you never delivered - I'm out a hundred bucks.

"Was your package insured with us?"

Yes, a Mr. Dutrow said it was a sure thing. I'd like my money back...

Big Brownout

So the heavy favorite finished last? Hmmmm. Millions bet on him, and he finishes out of the money? The only time in six starts? Hmmmmm.

Sure, it was 86 degrees out, with about equal humidity. Maybe he just didn't feel like running. As usual, the press coverage just concentrated on the Big Brown story, and totally cheapened and ignored the wire to wire performance of winner Da'Tara. Nick Zito has a reputation as a spoiler, and I think he should enjoy it. He deserves his own Triple Crown, and perhaps some day he will achieve it.

Big Brown's trainer says he feels 'like a loser'

Desormeaux said Monday that his plan was go to the lead, but that Big Brown slipped coming out of the gate and that he was pinched back a length. He said that he pulled Big Brown up because he wasn't going to finish anywhere but last.

This seemed to be a move calculated to getting him to the $50 million dollar payoff at stud, but I was shocked to see it, as there was so much money bet on the horse. Not whipping him, I could see. Pulling up seemed to indicate an injury, and I was initially concerned he was hurt. All involved quickly professed he was not hurt at all, just 'not running'.

Now there's talk of entering him in more races; August's Travers Stakes and October's Breeder's Cup. I think this is total nonsense. They have no plans to do that - too risky for the share holders who want to see him stand at stud. Just smoke and mirrors to get us Conspiracy types off their back. I would be very shocked to see him start again. If nothing else, another finish out of the money would lessen his record and reflect poorly on his legacy. Retire now, there's five wins and one loss.

Isn't anyone questioning Dutrow's old debts coming home to roost? Needing to throw a race to keep the Mob happy or something? Calling for an investigation?

And this from Stet Sports Blog:

Why would Big Brown's loudmouth trainer boast all week long about BB's victory being a "foregone conclusion," only to
opt out of juicing him up with 'roids? And why would the news about a cracked hoof become so prevalent in the weeks before the biggest race of the year? Seems like the camp would've been better suited keeping it behind closed doors.

This seems like a case Scooby and the Gang could solve lickety-split. There's
more money in breeding an almost-Triple Crown-winner than in a maxed out, cracked-hoofed has-been. Running the life out of that poor animal might have resulted in horse racing glory, but if euthanization was a sure thing after the race, well, that's just not good fiscal management.

Great observations. Never saw Secretariat doing steroids, now did you? Read his further steroid comments

Even Bob Baffert (see also: Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr. and other sexy successful guys you really should stay away from) defended team Brown and said it was simply the nature of sport.

Bill Ordine writes: This time, there's a convenient fall guy, the mouthy trainer, Rick Dutrow Jr., who no one cared for anyway. It's not in our nature to blame the animal.

How true, Bill. And that's the way it should be.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Singles Ad

SWS (Single White Sock) with red trim ISO same.

Last known whereabouts: laundry pile

Enjoys: Long walks, color-safe bleach, and fabric softener.

Turn ons: scented foot powder, perfectly pedicured feet

Turn offs: athlete's foot, blisters

Suspects: The Maytag Twins

See "Lonely Sock Drawer" to apply.

Stakes for the Belmont

In a last-minute decision at the window I bet $2 on 4 to win and a $2 box on 5 & 9.

It could happen....

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Big Brown Countdown

Thanks to me, tomorrow is Wear (Big) Brown Day. He certainly looked impressive in the Preakness, but I'm really getting sick of that smug trainer of his. We'll just have to wait and see what Saturday brings. But first, full disclosure: I'm putting $2 each to win on Denis of Cork and Casino Drive. Just because you never know...

Catsup to Poultry Any Day Now

Hold the tomato, hold the spinach
Extra bacteria does upset us,
All we ask is that you let us
Protect ourselves that way....

AUSTIN — Health officials have confirmed 35 cases of salmonella in Texas since a multi-state outbreak thought to stem from raw tomatoes started in mid-April.

As they work to determine the source, health officials are advising that people not eat any raw Roma or full-sized round tomatoes other than those sold attached to the vine or grown at home.

Excuse me? The only vegetable I'm growing at home is whatever colonizes on the vegetables I buy at the store before I get around to using them...


Kindred Spirit

Getalife Girl, the later years...

DANVILLE, Calif. - A Danville woman faces arson charges after she allegedly set fires at two gas stations and a coffee house, saying she was protesting high gas prices. You go, girl! Light em up!

The woman, 64, remained Thursday in a Contra Costa jail on $810,000 bail on suspicion of premeditated arson and burglary. For a first offence? That's high.

Police say the woman used a fireplace log and a lighter to set fires in the restrooms of an Arco station, a Chevron station and a Starbucks on Wednesday. No structural damage was reported at the locations. But all three seemed 'cozier' with a fireplace.

Police later found the woman at a nearby fast food restaurant with eight fireplace logs with her. Was she buying them a happy meal?

She told officers that she was behind the fires and said she woke up that morning wanting to do something about high gas prices. I can so relate!

Police say they don't know why she targeted the Starbucks. Their coffee is too strong. I prefer Gloria Jean's.

Charges have not yet been filed, and it's not clear if the woman has a lawyer in the case. I wish I were an attorney and could offer her my services pro bono.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008


LOUISVILLE, Ky. -- Eight Belles will be interred at the Kentucky Derby Museum, near the grave sites of four Kentucky Derby winners.

The 3-year-old filly broke two ankles after finishing second to Big Brown in the Kentucky Derby on May 3. She was euthanized on the track.

The track said Tuesday it will plant a tree in honor of Eight Belles and her remains will be buried at its base. The memorial is planned for the museum's courtyard, with the date still to be set.
Churchill Downs will rename the $150,000-added La Troienne in honor of Eight Belles. The Grade III stakes race for 3-year-old fillies will continue to be run on the Kentucky Derby day undercard. The track also plans a ceremony on Derby day in 2009 in the filly's memory.
Steve Sexton, executive vice president of Churchill Downs Inc., said the track's foundation will contribute $25,000 to the Eight Belles Memorial Fund.

The fund, established by Thoroughbred Charities of America, is aimed at researching racehorse injuries and retraining retired thoroughbreds. The contribution will be matched by Eight Belles owner Rick Porter.

Number One?

The first post position has produced the most Belmont winners - 25 - since 1905, and that's where favorite Big Brown will be breaking from this Saturday. Will it be a cakewalk? Well, has UPS ever lost YOUR package?
Oh, this looks comfy.

Oh, This Will Last Longer than the Belmont (Not)

Third time's the charm!!

Charlie Sheen marries a third time

What I want to know is: are any of these exes getting their hands on his collectable cars?

Oh, he looks sober. $350K an episode sober.

CAD-ie (no) SHOCK

Bill Murray Accused Of Drug, Spouse Abuse
Divorce filing says comedian a serial adulterer who abandoned family

MAY 29--Bill Murray is a drug-addicted spousal abuser and serial adulterer who has abandoned his family, according to a scathing divorce filing by his estranged wife. Jennifer Murray alleges that the Academy Award-nominated actor's "adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment" led her in 2006 to move into a separate South Carolina home with the couple's four children.

Murray contends that the comedian physically abused her on several occasions during their marriage (they were wed in 1997) and that the star hit her in the face during a November 2007 confrontation in her home. During that incident, the May 12 complaint alleges, the 57-year-old performer "told her she was 'lucky he didn't kill her.'" Jennifer Murray charges that the actor would often leave town without telling her, and sometimes "travels overseas where he engages in public and private altercations and sexual liaisons." She also claims that he "repeatedly...left threatening voice messages on the home telephone which the minor children have heard." In addition to seeking a divorce, Jennifer Murray wants a restraining order issued against the Hollywood star.

She also wants a court to determine the legal validity of a premarital agreement signed prior to the couple's July 1997 nuptials. That agreement, a copy of which you'll find here, guarantees Jennifer Murray a lump sum payment of $7 million upon the couple's divorce.

"A hoopy frood always knows where his towel is"

Japanese patient's 'tumour' turns out to be 25-year-old towel

TOKYO (AFP) - Doctors who carried out surgery on a Japanese man to remove a "tumour" had good news and bad news for him. He did not have cancer -- but the "growth" that had been causing him pain was in fact a 25-year-old surgical towel.

25th of May - Towel Day!!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Congratulations to the cast voicing The Simpsons!

After months of negotiations, the cast of Fox's long-running animated series reached a new four-year deal with the studio during the weekend.

Under the pact, the top actors will be paid nearly $400,000 per episode. While this is lower than the reported $500,000 the cast originally sought, it remains a significant increase from their current paychecks of about $300,000 an episode. (By contrast, Charlie Sheen is the highest-paid sitcom star, reportedly earning $350,000 per episode in 2006.)


As of Monday, the status of Harry Shearer, who voices Mr. Burns and Ned Flanders, among other characters, was unclear. Because of a last-minute snag, his deal did not close with the other cast members', and it was not clear if he would show up for work on Tuesday.

Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

No Sex Appeal in the Country

Why did I bother donning silk pants and stilettos for my Sex in the City soiree?

Honestly, I thought ladies were going to dress up for this event. No such luck. I saw some heifers with sparkles on the the T-Shirts they were wearing over their spandex Capri pants, but that was about it. (word to the wise: spandex is a privilege, not a right)

Louise called me Saturday afternoon and we decided to attend a theater in a nearby resort town. Years ago, this town was the playground of the Chicago rich looking to get away from it all on a beautiful Wisconsin lake. I bet Al Capone's gun molls dressed up for a night out at the local speakeasy. Now? Not so much.

I was concerned the tickets would all be sold out before we could get there, so we agreed she would buy the tickets that afternoon in advance.

"You don't mind that I use my senior discount?" she asked. Senior discount? What was AARP down to? 45? How was she going to qualify? I guess they take 'em pretty young.

Since I've never met a discount I didn't like, of course I was on board. Heck, I'd even hunch over on the walk from the car to the door, if that would help save a few bucks.

"Are the tickets bright red or something?" I worried. I imagine I'd look pretty old to a teenage ticket taker, but being busted still scared me. I could just laugh and say, "I'll tell my surgeon you carded me! He'll be so tickled..."

No need to fear. We weren't stopped. No one paid us any mind.

I must say I enjoyed the movie. I thought it much better than expected. (Ok, maybe not Iron Man, but quite good). I did take issue with the ending however. Not to spoil anything, but I wondered why Carrie had to blame herself. I thought it very realistic throughout, including that aspect, it's just sad that some women really do react like that.

Later, we went out to dinner and ordered two.... iced teas. Whoo! Aren't we wild women. Then we went on a shopping spree at.... Super China Mart. Amazingly, my feet didn't hurt at all in snakeskin high heels as we shopped everything from produce to pet supplies.

All in all, a good day with a girlfriend. Isn't that what it's really all about?

Caffeinated Jam!

Smucker to buy Folgers in stock deal

MMMM!! Mountain Dew preserves! Coffee-flavored spread for your toast!

Those aren't seeds, those are coffee grounds in your jelly.