Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I walk into the crowded women's locker room and read the back of the package aloud:
Directions: Apply this complementary sample to your driest body part. Now how am I supposed to put this on my wit?
Am I not right when I say that if it's not one thing, it's another? How about
this tainted spinach deal? Spinach is contaminated with ecoli bacteria. On the
good side there has never been a better time to pick a fight with Popeye.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Tuesday September 19, 2006
Mel Gibson was all smiles when he gave away his only daughter Hannah, 26, at her September 16 wedding to blues guitar player and singer Kenny Wayne Shepherd. The hour-long ceremony was held at the Holy Family Chapel — the Catholic Church Gibson shelled out $5 million to build in Agoura Hills, west of Los Angeles. I like Kenny Wayne, didn’t know he was Catholic – what if he’s not? How did Daddy allow that? Oh, he converted recently.
But being a celebrity and musician, this marriage will last!
And just to make sure there was no repeat of Gibson's headline-making DUI arrest in Malibu July 28, there was strictly no alcohol served during the lavish wedding reception held on the spectacular 2,000-acre Ventura Farms estate owned by Dole Food Co. chief David H. Murdock, a billionaire and one of Mel's close friends. Did he serve them tainted spinach?
Hannah, the oldest of Mel and Robyn Gibson's seven children, wore white and was attended by six bridesmaids, all in brown gowns. "She looked lovely and Mel was obviously very proud and happy for her," an observer tells Star. Hannah's six bothers, twins Edward and Christian, 24, William, 22, Louis, 19, Milo, 16 and seven year-old Thomas were all at the nuptials. Don't get me started on my views of overpopulation...
After the ceremony, the bridal party took black stretch limousines the eight miles from the church to the reception, while the 200-plus guests followed in shuttle buses. On their assigned bus seats, each guests found a chilled bottle of water with his or her name on it. BUS SEATS? Couldn't they have horse-drawn carriages? Something classier?
And at Ventura Farms — a huge main house plus acres and acres of manicured green lawns, white fences and stables where Murdock raises champion Arabian horses — instead of Champagne, family and guests toasted the bride and groom with Martinelli's sparkling cider, passion fruit ice tea, sodas, fruit juice and water. Must be nice to have a horse farm.
With a band playing as a bright-orange sun sank into the west, guests feasted on lobster bisque (for which fresh lobster was flown in from Tahiti at a cost of $40,000), filet mignon, roast sea bass, strawberry cream tarts, chocolate mousse and fresh raspberries. Didn't mention if the Pope performed the ceremony, or if the Knights of Templar frisked the guests as they arrived...
If Mel built the church, does he get to make the rules? He's a few commandments short of a tablet, if you ask me!
20% of Americans believe in a God who favors the United States in worldly affairs.
Whew! I'd hate to see what current state of affairs would be if God didn't! Like maybe we'd be hated world wide?
"Among those believers, Republicans are four times as numerous as Democrats."
That's pretty much the ratio of Republicans to Democrats in general, isn't it?
Boy, somebody's in for a big wake up call, eh, Allah? Bwha-ha-ha-ha!
Just to keep things in perspective, a Harris poll of July 21, 2006 found:
72% of those polled thought the Iraqis are better off now than they were under Saddam Hussein.
64% feel Saddam Hussein had strong links with Al Qaeda.
55% hallucinate that history will give the U.S. credit for bringing freedom and democracy to Iraq.
50% believe Iraq had weapons of mass destruction when the U.S. invaded.
Just for the record, I disagree with all of the above. Yep, and I'm the nut case worshiping a bowl of spaghetti. Whatever.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
"You have one," he says, and walks out.
Thanks. I was worried about that.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
As I mentioned with the whole spinach post, I really do need to eat healthier and drop a few pounds. Who doesn’t? Or rather who doesn’t that isn’t in total denial?
(I’m talking to YOU Mary-Kate and Kate Moss and anyone else named Kate consuming less than 800 calories a day by choice.*)
Anyhoo, I come across this website that shows all the different types of diets so you can ‘choose the one that fits your lifestyle’. Let’s see… that would be the Nicole Richie diet – eating to gain 40 pounds. I like that one.
So there’s the Atkins diet, the low-fat diet, the Hollywood Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Paris Diet, the Blood Type Diet…
Yep. The blood type diet. Based on your blood type, you get to eat (or avoid) certain foods.
(I just knew I had chubby platelets)
Bet there’s all kinds of Mayo Clinic data backing this one up. Soooo… let’s see – I’m O Positive. Says here I can’t have Ice Cream, Cola or Coffee. Are they nuts? Furthermore, are there other foods? Because besides those three, I really can’t name any I’ve had lately.
I asked Mr. Right what his blood type was. I figured he was O+ as well, since it’s a pretty common type. “No”, he says. “I think I’m B. Or A?”
Let me tell you, this procrastinating perfectionist can’t be anything but an A+++ even in blood type. So as a universal donor, I’ve most likely got him covered. Given the fact that he seems to get injured far more than I do, he should be grateful he married someone with a handy donor type.
*Oh, I can see it now. All the scrawny bulimics spamming me to say their disease is not a choice. And the emails will be about 5,000 words long because that would burn more calories. Who wants fat fingers? Skinny ones work just as well to induce vomiting.
Whitney Houston seems to be leaving Bobby Brown a suspiciously short time after it has become common knowledge that Osama Bin Laden would like to make her a wife, wouldn’t you agree? Steven Colbert just observed the same on his show recently.
So what is it? Is Whitney “terrorist bait” as Colbert posits? Or is she divorcing Bobby to ‘save’ him from being a target? Perhaps Brown could do lunch with the Pope and Rushke and have a good laugh. In the Pope’s bunker.* While wearing Kevlar vests.
I guess the real question is, has Osama seen her lately?
*Don’t tell me some of those catacombs haven’t been reinforced.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Turns out there's a nationwide outbreak of E. coli traced to fresh spinach. Of course, this annoucement is made during one of the few times I have a fresh bag in the fridge, just waiting to become my dinner salad.
I sit and ponder the bag.
Dole, one of the brands traced to the outbreak.
Bought in Wisconsin, one of the states where two people have died.
Dated in the danger zone.
In healthy adults, E. coli can cause bloody diarrhea and dehydration. This could cause me to lose ten pounds. And really, isn't that what I bought the spinach for?
"I refused to be parted from the manuscript of book seven," she added. "A large part of it is handwritten, and there was no copy of anything I had done while in the U.S. They let me take it on, thankfully, bound up in elastic bands."
Rowling also wrote that she was still going back and forth between two titles for her last Harry Potter novel. "I was quite happy with one of them until the other one struck me while I was taking a shower in New York," she said. "They would both be appropriate, so I think I'll have to wait until I'm further into the book to decide which one works best."
What was she going to do, paper cut someone to death? Shoot someone’s eye out with an elastic band?
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Article from: BANG Showbiz
TROUBLED pop diva Whitney Houston has a new fan - America's most wanted man, Osama bin Laden.
Alert the Mutaween!!
Kola Boof, the terrorist's former sex slave, claims in her new book that he was obsessed with the troubled How Will I Know singer.
She revealed to Harpers Bazaar magazine: "He told me Whitney was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
"He said that he had a paramount desire for her and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting."
Kola - who until recently wrote for US soap opera The Days of Our Lives - also says Osama wanted to shower her with gifts and convert her to Islam.
The 37-year-old explained: "He said he wanted to give her a mansion he owned in a suburb of Khartoum.
"He would say how beautiful she is, what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband - Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed."
Kola added: "He explained to me that to possess Whitney, he would be willing to break his colour rule and make her one of his wives."
September 13, 2006
(AP) The tumultuous marriage of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown _ which withstood drug addiction, Brown's numerous arrests, the decline of Houston's once-sparkling image and domestic abuse allegations _ is coming to an end.A publicist for Houston confirmed to The Associated Press that the Grammy-winning, superstar singer had filed for divorce after 14 years of marriage.Publicist Nancy Seltzer declined to reveal where or when Houston filed the divorce papers, and said the singer had no statement to make."I can just confirm that she has filed for divorce," Seltzer said Wednesday.Brown's lawyer said Houston had filed papers for a legal separation.Houston and Brown, who had a home in Alpharetta, Ga., have one child, a 13-year-old daughter, Bobbi Kristina.
Now here's a reality show I’d tune in to see! Whitney converting to Islam - at the barrel of a hooka...Whitney slapping Bin Laden around... Whitney organizing the other wives, only to double-cross them...
Monday, September 11, 2006
San Disk Sucks!!!! And so does Best Buy and the whole rip-off rebate industry!!!!!!
I'm certainly not the only one who thinks so, check out this great site: Infoworld SanDisk Leaves Customers Sans Rebate
I love their observation that the makers of a memory product sure can't recall that customers are owed a rebate!
Anyhoo, got my check today. My check for $12, that is.
Now most NORMAL people would just say, well, at least I got something out of those bastards, and cash the check. Not me.
Face it, most normal people would have never sent in the rebate, let alone properly, let alone make copies and keep meticulous records and know what they were entitled to expect in return. And that’s exactly what they are banking on. The fact that some 50% of rebate offers go unclaimed. The fact that of those sent, only half will include the proper documentation. Or that half the people sent a little postcard rejecting their claim will not call to argue the point. “Emillio” said he was sending my $18. I want my $18 as promised by Best Buy. That amount is even printed on their receipt!
So I call again. “Martin” takes my call. He has an ever-so-slightly better command of the English language than Emillio. I explain I got a check for $12 and it should be for $18. He says that the amount was supposed to be $12. That’s all it is. I agree the check says “only good up to the amount of $12”, but that I have a receipt RIGHT HERE that says $18. Would you like me to fax it to you? Oh, no, I’ll send the rest out. How much?
Six dollars, I say, instantly regretting I didn’t try to argue it was a $180 rebate. Yes, yes, sending it out. I hear music in the background with a female vocalist who isn’t singing in English. I wonder if perhaps he is working from home, sounds almost like a TV at times.
So here’s my advice: Make a clerk explain every rebate to you and SHOW dates valid and amounts. Best Buy gets a kickback on imaginary rebates same as San Disk. It drives their sales with a perceived value that is very difficult to collect.
COPY everything you send in, along with dates.
CALL if you are not getting what is promised.
COMPLAIN to retailers that you don’t want mail in rebates. See if they will give you money off another product that is not offering one to prove consumers don’t trust mail-in.
DO NOT BUY if the rebate looks to restrictive – an example is Menard’s Hardware Stores – they frequently have “Free After Rebate” products – read the fine print – the rebate is only a store credit of some sort on another of the same product. Unless you are using 40 tubes of caulk a month, you most likely don’t want the rebate under those terms. Another scam is motor oil. To collect the rebate, you must send in each qt’s UPC in a limited time window. Most people don’t use 24 quarts of oil in 2 months, let alone feel like cutting out tiny barcodes from the base of plastic containers. Mailing it all in on one stamp won’t work, and they will refuse your extra postage due.
Friday, September 08, 2006
While you are oh-so-very busy NOT PUBLISHING my work, I was wondering if you could correct a few hundred thousand science books, text books, monographs and what-all that refer to Pluto as a planet.
Please don't just append existing titles. Get creative. Create a some brand new ones.
Here are a few suggestions to get you started:
Chicken Soup for the Former Planet
"We're Invading Pluto Because I Bet That's Where Plutonium Comes From" by G.W. Bush
For Conspiracy Theorists
"Exposing the International Astronomical Union as a Plutocracy"
"Pluto Isn't a Planet, and the Disney Character is the Only Non-Speaking Non-Clothed Animal: Coincidence?"
For the Indecisive
"Did we say Nine? We meant Eight"
"Wait, Maybe There's Twelve"
"Perhaps We Could Meet Again Next Year"
"Monster Garage: Dwarf My Planet"
"This Affects Me How?"
"If it's Not on My iPod, Who Cares?"
"One Less Ping Pong Ball Needed for the Science Fair"
"My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nothing"
"Pluto? Wasn't he Popeye's Friend?"
I just want to give a shout out to Louise (who should be blogging herself silly about her wonderful photographic acomplishments) for sending me this article from Beliefnet.com.
Please take the time to check it out, it says everything so well!
Was it God's joke on Steve? Just desserts, for a daredevil life? The stingray's revenge, for annoying the creatures of the sea and poking his nose and camera where they didn't belong? Or was it a fitting end, a mercifully quick conclusion to an exuberant if incautious life, staged and executed by nature?
Yet Irwin never let fear stand in the way of his love of life. He was out there risking, every day, and learning and growing and, well, living. His death is being called, of course, a tragedy. He was only 44. He was a happy husband and father of two great kids. He was a great conservationist who, had he lived, could have done so much more for wildlife preservation. One of his dreams, for instance, was to use the money he was making from royalties and his famed Australia Zoo to buy large tracts of wilderness land and create wilderness reserves that could never be bought by developers.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
If only he had stuck with the stuffed...
Am I the only one who noted Irwin died after abandoning work on a series called "Ocean's Deadliest"?
But weather had prevented the crew from doing work for that program, Stainton said, so Irwin decided to do some softer features for a new children's TV show he was doing with his daughter, Bindi.
Don't hurt me, mommy!
"I had one margarita [and] was starving because I had not eaten all day," she said. "Maybe I was speeding a little bit and I got pulled over. I was just really hungry and I wanted to have an In-N-Out Burger."
Oh, yeah, right, like that twig eats burgers. Did she just plan to nibble the lettuce and sniff the bun before tossing it out the jacknife door?
Police said Hilton failed a sobriety test but she has not been charged with any offense. That decision will be made by the Los Angles County District Attorney in the next few days.
Depends on how many sex tapes she's willing to autograph...
Hilton's publicist Elliot Mintz, who picked up his client from the police station, said Hilton was affected more than usual by the one drink she had because it was "one drink on an empty stomach after a full day's work."
What kind of nut case drinks and then drives a $452,750 car? No, wait, make that what kind of nut case drives a car that does 0-60 in 3.8 seconds with a top speed of 207 m.p.h. pulls over?
"It's the absolute minimum amount of alcohol in your system that would justify an arrest," he told reporters.
No word as to whether she blamed any particular ethnic groups for her arrest or "all the wars in the world".
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
0% Extroversion, 100% Intuition, 27% Emotiveness, 71% Perceptiveness
|Heuristic, detached, and analytical to a fualt, you are most like The Oracle. You are able to tackle any subject with a fine toothed comb, and you possess an ability to pinpoint nuances and shades of meaning that other people do not have and cannot understand. Accomplishment and realization of ideas are, for you, secondary to the rigorous exploration of ideas and questions -- you are, first and foremost, a theorist. You hate authority, convention, tradition, and under no circumstances do you accept a leadership role (although, you will gladly advise leadership when they're going astray, whether they want you to or not). Abstraction and generalities are your interests, details and particulars are usually inconsequential and uninteresting. You excel at language, mathematics and philosophy.|
You are typically easy-going and non-confrontational until someone violates one of the very few principles that you deem sacred, at which point you can fly into a rage. Although you possess a much greater understanding of process and systems than the people around you, you are always conscious of the possibility that you've missed something or made a mistake. You don't tend to become attached to particular theories, and will immediately discard mistaken notions once they're revealed to be incorrect (but you don't tolerate iconoclasts who try to discredit validated theories through the use of fallacies and bad data). Despite being outwardly humble, you probably think of yourself as being smarter than most other people. That's because you are. In fact, in your dealings with people your understanding of their motives is so expansive that you know what they're going to say before they say it, and in world affairs, you usually know what is going to take place before it actually does. This ability would make you unbeatable in debates if only you were a little less pensive about your own conclusions, and a little more outgoing.
Famous people like you: Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin, Adam Smith, Thomas Jefferson, John McWhorter, Ramanujan, Marie Curie, Kurt Godel
Stay clear of: Apollo, Icarus, Hermes, Aphrodite
Seek out: Atlas, Prometheus, Daedalus
|My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:|
|Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test|
"Crikey" (as Irwin too often says), this guy is insufferable, prancing around animal cages in his little zookeeper shorts, taunting the critters into telegenically violent behavior.
There hasn't been a TV star this in love with his own imagined cuteness
since the sitcom heyday of Tony Danza. And I'm pretty sure there's never been
one, not even Evel Knievel, who has been so thoroughly asking for a violent
Most vexing is the attempt to pass this off as proper zookeeper behavior,
rather than simply the down-under kin to a hundred Florida roadside alligator
Read Johnson's blog post and commentary here for a full picture of the debate.
Yes, I would watch footage of the fatal attack. I tend to agree with the line of thinking that Irwin made a career of cheating death and making it look as if he were somehow special to escape unscathed. Sometimes, nature bites back.
Here's some links to a few excellent articles that wish to dispute the long-held notion that dolphins are intelligent creatures (that would bail out of earth moments before its destruction).
Much like some other bloggers, writer Cory Franklin suggests Lassie should be held to a higher standard of heroism than your average over-paid TV dog diva...
...other investigators have determined that Flipper was a fake. Scientists
believe it was not possible for him to keep foiling criminals, guide all those
boats to safety and never fail to warn Bud and Sandy of danger; he was simply
That line from the theme song--"No one you see, is smarter than he"--a carefully devised part of the coverup. The most likely explanation for how the brilliant hoax was perpetrated is that Flipper was actually a trained East German goldfish fed steroids and dressed in a dolphin costume.
This stunning revelation about a TV family favorite has opened the window on other faked performances. For years, rumors have been circulating out of Studio City that Mr. Ed could not actually talk. Some trained observers have suspected as much all along, pointing to secret tapes of the show, never shown on TV, where Mr. Ed's lips supposedly do not move when he speaks. Alan Young, a.k.a. Wilbur, the only person Mr. Ed ever spoke to, is now in his 80s and refuses to give interviews.
Unsubstantiated reports are that Young has been warned to keep silent by a Hollywood syndicate with residual rights that stands to lose millions if Mr. Ed is exposed as a fake.
Arnold Ziffel, that clever pig on "Green Acres" whom farmers Fred and Doris Ziffel considered their son? He could do practically anything, including play the piano, write his name and go to school where he played practical jokes on other students. In
retrospect, it defies credulity that the viewing public could actually believe this. Reportedly, Eddie Albert, Arnold's co-star, was disgusted by the anthropomorphic deception. His annoyance is often visible on screen, and it became a such constant source of contention between him and Eva Gabor that handyman Eb was forced to intervene on several occasions. Upon hearing Samuel L. Jackson refer to Arnold as "charming" in "Pulp Fiction," Albert vowed never to see the movie. On his deathbed, Albert allegedly said that if he had learned one thing in life, it's that the old adage was right: Never try and teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Of course, all these are merely a prelude to the biggest fraud of all the TV animals. The Big Kahuna. Who else? Lassie. For those who can't bear to face it, stop reading now. But recently declassified documents indicate Lassie was a coward. Whenever a scene called for Lassie to race into a burning building, swim a river or fight off a
bear, shooting had to be stopped and a stunt double summoned. It was, in fact,
well known on the set that in the face of danger Lassie actually cringed and
refused to leave her trailer.Journalist Seymour Hersh is said to have proposed
an expose for The New Yorker, but editors nixed the idea, saying the public
couldn't handle such a devastating story. (read full story here)
That paragon of investigative expose, The Onion, had this to say -
GAINESVILLE, FLA. Although dolphins have long been celebrated for their high
intelligence and for appearing to have a complex language, a team of researchers
at the University of Florida reported Monday that these traits are markedly less
evident on dry land.
After capturing the dolphins from the ocean, Lindell and his colleagues tagged them and placed them under the intense, high-wattage lights of a moisture-proof lab. The researchers then administered an extensive battery of tests designed to measure everything from the dolphins' self-awareness to their aptitude for writing and reading comprehension.
"Dolphins have a popular reputation for being excellent communicators,"
Lindell said. "But our study group offered only three types of response to every
question we posed: a nonsensical, labored wheezing, an earsplitting barrage of
unintelligible high-pitched shrieks, and in extreme cases, a shrill, distressed
Monday, September 04, 2006
Joseph Stefano passed away Friday. He was a close friend of 'Psycho' director Alfred Hitchcock, and was also the co-creator of the science-fiction TV series The Outer Limits.
His corpse will be propped up in a swiveling chair with a woman’s wig placed atop…
Tom Cruise has apologized to Brooke Shields for criticizing her use ofQuick! Check the thermometer in Hell!
anti-depressant medication when she was diagnosed with post-partum depression
following the birth of her first child.
Did Katie put him up to this? Or is he really worried no one else will work with him?
Dream Flick: Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson starring in a Roman Polanski film pinning the Manson Family murders on the Jews as solved by L. Ron Hubbard
(My money was on Bearded Dragon Blocking Breathing)
Here’s a great site that has compiled “Creatures that have bitten Steve Irwin”.
Wonder if Paul Hogan will attend the funeral?
*Breaking News: Austraila is considering a State funeral for him
Friday, September 01, 2006
The days are growing short and the nights quite chilly. Soon I will sink into an abyss of depression and carbohydrate abuse.
Bulldozers are tearing up my neighborhood (and there’s some question as to whether the big-equipment happy developer even has approval for his 390 home slum, but damnit, it’s his land and he doesn’t need no stinkin oak trees) assuring that next spring there will be no joy in Constructionville.
Around January I’ll most likely have nothing left to live for. So I’ll bet those December posts should be good and maudlin. Instead of offering Vioxx and Viagra via thousands of junk emails, perhaps e-marketers should sell cyanide. Sure, not much repeat business, but an eager pool of disillusioned cubicle-dwellers await. I have more to say, but I’m tired, cranky, and in need of a sweater. Where are those M&Ms?