Thursday, March 29, 2007

If I Bid On It - At Least My Blog Would Get Some Hits

SACRAMENTO, March 29 (UPI) -- O.J. Simpson's book, "If I Did It," which theorizes how he might have killed his ex-wife and her companion, will be auctioned next month in California.

Sale proceeds will go to members of the Goldman family, who won a legal victory earlier in March when Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Gerald Rosenberg ruled that they are entitled to income Simpson may earn from the book. The family has been trying to collect on a 10-year-old $33.5 million wrongful death civil judgment it won against him.

The lawyer added that if no publishing house buys the rights, then the family will have no choice but to do so.

"We're the buyer of last resort and we have to be because otherwise it would make a total travesty of the process if he regained the property in the end," said David Cook.

Bee Concerned, Bee Very Concerned

MISSOULA, Mont. -- The disappearance and deaths of millions of honeybees in nearly half of the nation's states is a mystery seemingly befitting an episode of "CSI" and is threatening an estimated $14 billion in crops that rely on pollination.

"It's called Colony Collapse Disorder," said Jerry Bromenshenk, a University of Montana professor and head of Bee Alert who has studied honeybees for more than three decades.

Sounds like we need to invent some Bee-agra.

Bromenshenk is part of a national task force attempting to figure out why bees leave their hives and don't return. He recently returned from California with thousands of dead bees that he suspects were in colonies in the midst of collapsing.

Perhaps they're crossing the border to live in Mexico illegally?

"We are … trying to figure out the unknown," Wick said in an interview. "This is a devastating situation. If every honeybee disappeared tomorrow, we would still have produce in our markets—it just wouldn't come from the United States."

Great. Little yellow bees from China taking our bees' jobs...

Bromenshenk's addition to the team studying the bees' disappearance was prompted by the significant research he has conducted at the university as well as the company that spun off from that work.The firm has learned how to train bees to perform a variety of tasks, including sniffing out poisons, a skill that can be applied to such things as land mine detection or use of chemicals in a terrorist attack. Bromenshenk said the company has discovered how to train a bee in less than a day to identify things by smell or by sight.

Or maybe the bees don't want to bee little slaves for no pay...

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Auto Abuse is no Laughing Matter!

I was about to go to bed when I saw this on the news! Now I'll have nightmares all week!!!!!

Dear Daniel Sadek, I feel your pain!!!
Thinking of you during this difficult time,
Get A Life Gal

I don’t even know who Eddie Griffin is, but this incident is not funny in the least. Never, ever, let anyone drive your collector car! This looks like a publicity stunt, doesn’t it? I mean, a real Enzo didn’t die, did it? Sob!! Noooooo.... This is just too upsetting for me to contemplate. Seems more like an episode of 30 Rock where the spoiled star gets to do what ever he wants.

CBS/AP) Eddie Griffin crashed a rare Ferrari Enzo worth $1.5 million into a concrete barrier Monday, destroying the car but escaping without injuries.

Idiot!!! Monster!! How fast was he going? There were cones up, I saw the video, this wasn't open track - what on earth happened?

The comedian was practicing for a charity race to promote his upcoming film, "Redline," when he drove too fast around a curve at the Irwindale Speedway and smashed into a divide. Video footage showed the red sports car screeching before it ricocheted off the barrier with heavy damage to its front.

Charity? You'll need it, if I can do anything about it.

"Undercover Brother's good at karate and all the rest of that, but the brother can't drive," Griffin, referring to one his past films, told reporters after the accident.

Asshole! Making a joke about the loss of a rare car you knew you didn’t have the capability to control!!

"I was coming around the track and came into a tight turn and I hit a cone and the cone got caught underneath the tire. So the tire locked up and … slammed into the wall," Griffin told CBS News.

Gee, maybe he should have practiced first with a Ford Focus, huh? I'm not saying I'm a world class driver, but I will say that I would not be putting a car at risk by overestimating my abilities. Why wasn't an instructor in the car? Not like that would have prevented an accident, but a coach might have seen trouble coming sooner or put him in an appropriate vehicle until ready.

The film's publicist, Wendy Zocks, said Griffin was "doing OK."

Won't be when I’m finished with him!

"He walked away completely unscratched, but probably a little shaken," Zocks said.

Oh, sure, it’s not his car. He has no understanding or respect for the gravity of the situation. Just another broken toy. Oh, well, I’ll buy another. Let my accountant pay for it.

"You know I'm not a race car driver, I'm a comedian," Griffin said. "Uh, just glad that I'm OK."

You should be boiled in motor oil. If you knew you couldn’t drive it, why did you make the attempt? Oh, wait, you’re perfect. You can do anything, you da man.

The Enzo was owned by the film's executive producer, Daniel Sadek, whose exotic car collection was featured in the movie.

May we have a moment of silence here for the man and his car.

Sadek said the car was beyond repair and that he had "mixed feelings" about the wreck.

If you call murderous rage and suicidal grief “mixed”, yeah.

"I'm glad Eddie came out of the crash OK, but my dream car got destroyed," Sadek said. "I went to my trailer for about 15 minutes and I thought, there's people dying every day. A lot of worse things are happening in the world."

Like what?? He’s obviously in shock, this will all sink in later. Poor, poor man.

Only 400 Ferrari Enzos were ever produced, all between 2002 and 2004.

And the world is one poorer tonight due to this arrogant bastard.

Griffin's credits include the comedies "Undercover Brother," "Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo" and its sequel, "Date Movie," and "Norbit."

Those are credits? What do you consider disgraces?

Enzo 2002-2007

Rust in Peace

I hearby declare an official Ferrari Fatwa on Infidel Griffin!

Monday, March 26, 2007


"I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had 1,060."

Imelda Marcos


Not only did I have TWO coupons for free salad dressings, but I stumbled upon this little guy at my local Osco Drug! I now have Secretariat, Barbaro, War Admiral, Seabiscuit and a generic Kentucky Derby 133. I'm going to do some research on what other horses they may have produced.

The Holy Grail? Ruffian!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Too Nice To Blog!

Whoo Hoo!! New Record Set! Warmest March 25 on record!! Whee!! Sorry for no posts, had to enjoy the past two days. One turtle has awoken from her torpor, and was offered breakfast. I may move them indoors soon as a transitional step before being outside 24/7. Next weekend looks to be pretty cold and crummy, so perhaps I’ll catch up with you all then.

In brief, I would like to point out real quick that it comes as no surprise that the
tainted pet food should be linked to China, as we all know how fond they are of dogs. (See Angry Chinese Blogger for more commentary)

I’ve been doing lots of reading and really should update my list. I haven’t bought any shoes, so we must be at a ten-to-one book to shoe ratio at least.

Embroideries – Marjane Satrapi
Good, I love her art, and she addresses issues discussed by women, so I liked it. No Persepolis, but a solid C+.

Terrible Storm – Carol Otis Hurst

I loved this children’s book! The illustrations are fantastic, and integral to understanding the story. Hurst had two grandfathers weather the mid-March blizzard of 1888 in Westfield, Massachusetts. (Which means I should turn my Nickelback blizzard story into a picture book...)One gentleman was gregarious and out going, the other preferred quiet solitude (like me). Of course, the people-lover gets stranded in a stable alone with the animals for a few days, while the introvert is sheltered by a boisterous family that enjoys singing and storytelling. That poor, poor man… A-

Aya – Marguerite Aboust
Graphic novel about young women living in the Ivory Coast, 1978. Entertaining slice of life, C+.

In the Name of God – Paula Jolin
Good YA read, nicely done, but as far as the actual resolution of the story, I was a bit disappointed. Yes, I wanted Nadia to blow something up. So sue me. C+

Which brings us to...

There’s a (Slight) Chance I Might be Going to Hell – Laurie Notaro
She’s a good writer, but perhaps I expected more laugh-out-loud belly laughs or something. There were a few, but ultimately this one left me rather empty as well. B-

Teach With Your Heart – Erin Gruwell
This is the story of the teacher upon whom the movie Freedom Writers is based
Can anyone really be that naive? Yet if a tenth of the book is true, it is a fantastic story. Heartwarming. B-

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Calamari for a Crowd

WELLINGTON, New Zealand - A colossal half-ton squid, believed to be the largest ever caught, may be destined for the microwave oven.

But researchers say they don’t want to cook the massive creature — just defrost it so they can study it better.

Scientists at New Zealand’s national museum, Te Papa Tongarewa, have taken possession of the beast that took fishermen two hours to land after it was netted by chance in Antarctic waters last month and was frozen soon afterward to preserve it.

Expert Steve O’Shea said the squid had weighed in at 1,089 pounds and measured 33 feet long — heavier but shorter than initial estimates of 990 pounds and 39 feet.

It appears to be by far the largest specimen of the rare and mysterious deep-water species Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, or colossal squid, ever caught.

Another Thursday Night...

At the Right Residence!

(actual conversation)

Al(ways Right): What's for dinner?

Me: Tuna Helper.

Al: I was starting to wonder...we haven't had anything with Helper in the name for a while.

Me: I thought it would hide the taste of the Wheat Gluten I'm adding to yours...

(and you may recall this post)

Quit Yawning!

"What is a diary as a rule? A document useful to the person who keeps it. Dull to the contemporary who reads it and invaluable to the student, centuries afterward, who treasures it."

Helen Terry

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Auto Abuse!

Keep driving! Don't slow down!

Man blocks car’s exit with body, causing impact with finish!

RANCHO PALOS VERDES, Calif. — Keanu Reeves was behind the wheel of a Porsche that allegedly grazed a celebrity photographer standing in the path of the sports car, investigators said Tuesday.

The photographer fell to the ground and paramedics were called after Reeves' car allegedly struck the man at 7:30 p.m. Monday, said Deputy Ed Hernandez of the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department.

Reeves, 42, wasn't hurt.

The Associated Press left a phone message for a representative of the actor seeking comment.

"He grazed a paparazzi standing in front of his Porsche and the man fell to the ground," Hernandez said. It wasn't known how fast the Porsche was traveling.

Reeves was leaving a parking space in the Avenida Tranquila residential area near Los Verdes County Golf Course about 30 miles south of downtown Los Angeles, he said.

The photographer, whose name wasn't released, was taken to a local hospital for treatment of unknown injuries, Hernandez said.

No word on how the sports car is doing at this time. My thoughts are with Keanu during this difficult period. I just want to send my best wishes and suggest a mild rubbing compound. Wonder if the paint is metallic?

I know what you're thinking, 'cause right now I'm thinking the same thing. Actually, I've been thinking it ever since I got here: Why oh why didn't I take the BLUE Porsche?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Yukon Land Rush

Anyone who has read this blog for a bit knows two things: I hate cold weather, and I love "FREE". So what happens when the two intersect? Well, I guess we'll never know, as I found this little tidbit much too late to act!

ANCHORAGE, Alaska - A town in Alaska's frozen interior that offered free land to anyone willing to put down roots had it all spoken for within hours Monday.

Alaska? I don't think so!

People dropped everything to fly or drive north, camping out in weather as cold as 25 below and dreaming of homes they would build amid the spruce and cottonwoods of the town of Anderson, population 300.

Wait...only 300 people in town? Dream come true! 25 below? Not so good. Those two days of a balmy 34 above won't make up for it. Spruce and Cottonwood? How heavy?

Interest was high despite the brutal winters of the interior, where temperatures can plunge to 60 below. Never mind that there's no grocery store or gas station in Anderson, 75 miles from the regional hub of Fairbanks.

When I said I wanted to get away from it all, I meant somewhere with paved roads...


So - when's the last time you did something species-appropriate?

BERLIN - Berlin Zoo's abandoned polar bear cub Knut looks cute, cuddly and has become a front-page media darling, but an animal rights activist insists it was wrong to intervene and save the cub.

"Feeding by hand is not species-appropriate but a gross violation of animal protection laws," animal rights activist Frank Albrecht was quoted as saying by the mass-circulation Bild daily, which has featured regular photo spreads tracking fuzzy Knut's frolicking.

"The zoo must kill the bear."

When Knut — or "Cute Knut," as the 19 pound bear has become known — was born last December, his mother ignored him and his brother, who later died. Zoo officials intervened, choosing to raise the cub themselves.

The story prompted quick condemnations from the zoo, politicians and other animal rights groups.

"The killing of an animal has nothing to do with animal protection," said Wolfgang Apel, head of the German Federation for the Protection of Animals.

Albrecht told The Associated Press that his beliefs were more nuanced than reported by Bild, though he applauded the debate the article had started.

He explained that though he thought it was wrong of the zoo to have saved the cub's life, now that the bear can live on his own, it would be equally wrong to kill him.

Hey, I'm all for leaving nature alone - but since there's no habitat for this little guy to go home to, I support trying to keep him alive.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Just a Joke

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

San AnRAINio

Went to Texas for a few days – right when they decided to see rain after months of drought. River Walk turned into Walking Through River. Figures.

First off, neither Al nor I was feeling all that hot when we got on the plane. Nothing like a pounding sinus headache on an airline too cheap to give out snacks, much less pay to pressurize the cabin properly. And if my cold needed any help, the recirculated stale ‘sick passenger air’ was only too happy to assist. By the time we landed, I thought my head was going to explode.

Our luggage looked like it lost the battle of the Alamo, but at least it arrived on the same plane. This of course, leads me to interject the reason you don’t see many vultures on domestic flights -- only one carrion allowed per passenger.

I spent the whole time there eating cold pills, swallowing vitamins and drinking cups of “Airborne”. Fat good that did. The rain cancelled our plans of walking around and taking a boat ride, etc. We had one sort-of nice day where we saw the Alamo, but that was it. I brought five books and two magazines, and feared running out!

The part I enjoyed the most was when they showed this little informational video on the history of the Alamo. They depicted Mexico as initially inviting Americans to Texas to help colonize the area, but then they became angry when it was perceived too many had shown up and looked like they might take over. HA!! Boy that felt good to hear.

But the best hoot of all was playing fill in the blank with a few evil emperor-wanna-be statements.

Go ahead; see if you can fill in the blanks:

______left a legacy of disappointment and disaster by consistently placing his own self-interest above his duty to the nation.

_______used his influence to lift the losing candidate into the presidency.

_____overwhelmingly elected President …what began as a promise to unite the nation soon deteriorated into chaos.

______soon became bored in his first presidency, leaving the real work to his vice-president, who soon launched an ambitious reform of church, state and army.

_________’s repudiation of ______’s constitution and substitution of a much more centralized and less democratic form of government.

Although his failure to suppress the _________ enormously discredited him…

when his sale of millions of acres in what is now _________ to the _____________ united liberal opposition against him.

_________ had a "take-no-prisoners" policy

Funny how you could put the name George W. Bush in any of those blanks, isn’t it? Well, except for that last one. That one only applies to General Antonio López de Santa Anna.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Buzz Me Up, Scotty

Doctor Robert Bohannon, a Durham, North Carolina, molecular scientist with nothing better to do, has invented a way to put the coffee in the donut -- well, the caffeine, anyway.

Buzz Donuts(TM) and Buzzed Bagels(TM) are the brainchild of Dr. Robert
Bohannon, a molecular scientist living in Durham, NC. Dr. Bohannon has developed
a way to mask the normal bitterness of caffeine so that it can be used in food
and pastry products such as bagels and donuts.

"I had the idea for caffeinated pastries several years ago, but the
bitter taste of the caffeine would always overwhelm the flavor," says Dr.
Bohannon, who is president of Onasco, Inc. "I eventually worked with some
flavoring experts and designed a method to mask the bitterness, which led to
successfully adding the caffeine equivalent of one to two cups of coffee to the
food item."

Dr. Bohannon has already approached well-known chains including Krispy
Kreme, Starbucks and Dunkin' Donuts about his invention. He thinks it's just a
matter of time before caffeinated pastries become a morning mainstay. He has
already patented the idea along with a method of controlling the amount of
caffeine contained in the food.

Thanks, Dr. Bohannon! We didn't need a cure for cancer anyway. Just more caffeine delivery systems. Keep 'em coming!

For an amusing commentary, check this blog: icyforums. I liked the suggestion of caffeinated communion wafers designed to keep you awake in church!

Godzilla vs. the Herpetologist

Godzilla vs. the herpetologist :

A lizard specialist examines the DVD return of Japan's icon.

Cute! I think he's a little too hard on the big guy, but that's ok. I can count myself among the legions of young fans who loved dinosaurs and applauded the thought that nature would strike back at man's pollution of the environment. I just bought the 50th anniversary plush model, and love it! Squeezing his chest produces the trademark two roars and his eyes flash red! Hope there's a Tad to follow...

Friday, March 16, 2007

Wish I'd Said That

"Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai to avoid paying taxes in the United States. Isn't that crazy -- when did Halliburton start paying taxes?"
Jay Leno

Thursday, March 15, 2007

All the Wrong Reasons

"...Nickelback plodded through its smug parade of unremarkable lunk-rock, each song's biggest distinction little more than its lack of distinction. But songs such as the hackneyed "Photograph," the hook-rich "How You Remind Me" and the hilariously banal "If Everyone Cared" proved the mundane and mediocre could
still be timeless.

It was caveman rock right down to the ancient, fossilized riffs, ready to be recycled by the next risible band down the line.The hits came easily — effortlessly, even — for Nickelback, and the fans clearly loved the equal lack of pretense and progression (not to mention the perfunctory pyrotechnics, canned banter and drum solo). Indeed, to its credit the band didn't bother disguising its lack of ambition Friday night.

At one point, the group wielded hand-held air cannons that fired T-shirts into the crowd, an apt metaphor that neatly summed up both the band's modus operandi and its broad appeal."

Gosh, Josh, as soon as you win a Grammy and have beautiful women throwing their bras at you, I'll be sure to take your criticisim more seriously.

“I saw Nickelback and I want my $250 Deductible Back”

Awhile back, when the thought of a blizzard in early March seemed remote, I bought some tickets to see the band Nickelback. Al and I love them, and they were coming to the Allstate Arena. Guess what? You’re NOT in good hands with Allstate.

Concert day dawns with snow and 30-40 m.p.h. winds. They cancel our schools. But wait! I have tickets! I must go!

Al drove my car 23 miles through the Donner Pass to the town where I work. The plan was to put him on a train to his job, and then I will get him after work so we can meet friends for dinner before the show.

After navigating the arctic, Admirals Perry and Byrd watched the 6:50 a.m. train roll away from the platform as we approached. Ok, don’t panic. There’s another at 7:26. Sure there is.

Eventually we learn that a car is blocking the tracks somewhere down the line and the next train will be delayed an hour. Great. Now we’re both late to work. I can’t drive off and leave Al, as the station is “Closed for Renovation”. So we sat watching the blowing snow until his train arrives and I head to work, over an hour late, only to tell my boss I’m leaving an hour early…

So I drove over an hour to pick him up, had a nice dinner with Ashley and Amber, and headed over to the show. The girls wanted to go out afterwards, so they took their own car. We paid $15 to park at the AA and headed into the show. I love d seeing the teenage girls with no coats and miniskirts running through the snow for the door. Yeah, you look cool. As in frostbit.

Show was awesome; they opened with Animal and closed with Rock Star. Sat by Loud Drunk Guy and What Would Freud Say Couple, but survived.

Throngs of humanity crowed towards the exits. It was going rather orderly, but it’s easy to see how you can be crushed to death in a crowd. We were among the last to get out due to our nosebleed seats. Once back to my Acura, we were greeted by a huge dent. Seems someone backed right into my car and took off. Great. Four thousand police officers directing traffic and no one saw anything. Ashley took some pictures of the tire track, but no one offered to play CSI. They just handed me an accident report and went back to looking bored.

Al encountered even worse roads on Routes 20 and 23 while driving us home. The next morning we read the Sheriff’s department declared it the worst conditions in 28 years. Oh yay. I am so moving.

No time to recover from the tragedy of hit and run, as we had to attend a wedding that weekend as well. May as well take Denty Car. Parked it right on the street in front of the Metro in Chicago. Had a great time and then had to focus on our next adventure: a trip to San Antonio, TX.

After dealing with my hateful insurance agent (I’m convinced my small town is a dumping ground for a national insurance chains’ worst agents. The insurance is fine, the representatives are idiots. This one is under a woman’s name, but I have yet to speak to her. I deal with her husband, and let’s just say we aren’t best buds) I make an appointment to drop off my car at a local body shop. I’ve never used them before, so let’s see what happens. The guy says, I thought that was a kid’s car, when your husband brought it in… Yep. No matter how old I get, I’ll always have a car coveted by teenage boys, I want people to say, “Hey, who pimped that Hearst?” at my funeral.

Maytag Sucks IV

I have about thirty thousand stories to tell, and between Mutinous Maytag appliances and evil motorists, it should take about six months of posting to catch up on the month or so I haven’t been keeping up.

First off, you may recall: Maytag SUCKS!!!

After ignoring our pleas to rectify the washer situation, Al fixed it himself for about $25 to avoid a $300 ‘professional’ repair bill. Next, the Hoover (division of Maytag) vacuum ceased to suck. Again, Al saved the day. Whew!

But when a friend called and asked if I had heard about the huge dishwasher recall, well, that was too much! Sure enough, a little research showed that our dishwasher was part of a massive recall due to electrical fires. Seems the little Jet-Dry liquid dispenser could leak gel onto wires, causing a house fire. Approximately 183 homes went up in smoke before company decided to admit perhaps there was problem. Likely they are suing the spotless rinse manufacturers as we speak, since it couldn’t be Maytag’s CRAPPY PRODUCT, now could it?

Anyhoo, I spent over 55 minutes on hold trying to reach them on their special recall line. Hung up. Tried again later. More hold. (Subliminal message behind hold music "Don't sue us when your house goes up in smoke" set to Great White's House of Broken Love) ZZZZZZ....

Made an appointment for the repair, and was told a new dishwasher door would be sent to my house. An authorized repairman would arrive to install it. I was told to disconnect the washer in the meantime. As someone who loves to turn either the washing machine or dishwasher on before walking out the door to work, it was very disconcerting to realize I was playing with electrical fire!

Ticking time bomb or no, I was very disgruntled at having to wash dishes by hand. For almost 14 years I did not have a dishwasher. Al’s first house was too small, and then we rented a farm house while building our current home. Like Scarlett O’Hara, I vowed to never hand-wash again.

So repair guy shows up, (thanks Mom and Dad, for being able to sit at my house all day and wait for fix-it dude) installs aforementioned door, but says something else is broke, and they need to order a new control panel as well.

Hmm. I think HE broke it while installing the door. Whatever, it’s covered. Except that it means another two weeks of paper plates whenever possible. Oh, and he refuses to take the old door away. Idiot.

Next, the computer decides to act up in a fit of electronic solidarity with its unreliable brethren. I spend almost two weeks without a connection due to the MacAfee Corporation; solet’s just add them to the “I May Need a Life, but Your Product Sucks” hall of fame.

So of course the only way this whole depressing failure known as my life could possibly get worse is by something happening to my car. Yep.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Doggone Deception, Or, The Devil Wears Digby

This is a Raccoon Dog.
Not very domesticated, but a living animal whose fur should be labeled as such.

WASHINGTON — That fur trim on your jacket that you think is fake might be all too real.
An animal advocacy group says its investigation has turned up coats — some with designer labels, some at high-end retailers — with fur from man's best friend.

Some retailers scrambled to pull the coats from shelves, take them off websites and offer refunds to consumers who bought them.

The Humane Society of the United States says it bought coats from reputable outlets, such as upscale Nordstrom, with designer labels — Andrew Marc, Tommy Hilfiger, for example — and found them trimmed with dog fur, even though the fur was advertised as fake.

This is a disgusting example of deliberate corporate mislabeling. Although I am a staunch supporter of the right to wear fur, I also vigorously defend the right NOT to wear fur or consume animal products. Once again, the consumer is kept in the dark. People trying to make an ethical decision were deceived by willful misadvertisement. We must unite to put an end to these practices. Of 25 coats tested, 24 were mislabeled!

Gosh, here's a surprise: most were from China. We all know how much
China loves dogs.

No Fawn Left Behind

To the Editor:

It is time someone sets the record straight regarding the deer. You know, the ones that are getting hit by cars. I think I have the solution. The answer lies in addressing the root of the problem. And the problem is this: I believe that there is a segment of the deer population that has reading problems.

Yes, we put up signs alongside the road where we know the deer will cross. But what happens? Some of the deer have difficulty reading them. Why? There are many factors. Low-income habitats. Instinct disabilities. Lack of parental imprinting. Sure, they might be able to read, but their comprehension skills are low. Toss in weak word decoding strategies, and you have a recipe for disaster.So what do we do?

I have a plan. I call it No Deer Left Behind. What we do is identify the deer that are lagging behind. We intensify efforts to boost basic skills. We initiate a standardized testing format. We hold conservation districts accountable, punishable by funding reductions, re-quired implementation of supplemental deer tutorial services, and staff restructuring. And voilà, problem solved.

No Deer Left Behind. Finally a program where you can really get a bang for your buck.

Michael Penkava
Crystal Lake

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Auto Abuse -- Repeat Offender!!

Paris Hilton was caught by authorities driving without headlights and with a suspended license on Tuesday night.

Police seized Hilton's $190,000 blue Bentley Continental GTC and prosecutors intend to ask a judge to revoke her probation for reckless driving.

The hotel heiress and star of the Fox reality series "The Simple Life" was pulled over on Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood at 11pm on Tuesday night due to driving without headlights. The cops noticed upon further investigation that Hilton's license had been suspended following her sentencing in January for alcohol-related reckless driving following a September, 2006 arrest.

Apparently Hilton did not realize the car's headlights were not on because she had just left a brightly lit parking structure. Police impounded the Bentley. Police authorities can hold the 12-cylinder, 550-horsepower Bentley for up to 30 days.

Stop this woman before an innocent high-end automobile loses its life!! I am making a public plea for the State of California to revoke her car driving and ownership privileges! This idiot is tooling around Hollywood drunk in cars I can only dream about! Take possession of that poor super car, Orange County! Then sell it to me for $500 at your next auction.

The Higher Power of Getting Lucky

(Northwest Herald) WOODSTOCK, Ill.

The library is not usually considered a venue for sex, but two Woodstock residents were caught in the act at the Woodstock Public Library this week, a police official said.

Raul A. Tapia, 19, and a juvenile female were caught having consensual sex among the book stacks at 414 W. Judd St. around 5 p.m. Monday, said Woodstock Police Sgt. Richard Johns.

There was no word regarding Dewey section they were discovered in, or if either had been inspired by this year's Newbery Medal winner by Susan Patron.