Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Back to Blog!

No, I'm not dead, but I may as well have been; as our Internet has been out for ten days!! I will tell all the gruesome details later, but let's just say:

McAffe Sucks!!!!!!!

Sunday, February 18, 2007


Winter of My Discontent

Amazing how something like the crappiest winter in a decade could keep me from blogging, but I’ve been so busy shoveling and cursing the lack of El Nino, I just haven’t been typing as I should. We’re so far below average; we look like George W. Bush’s college grades.

Whew! Is it 4705 already? I don’t feel a day over 4302. As this year my birthday* coincided with Chinese New Year, it was a great excuse to go out for a feast! Well, they sure weren’t kidding about the whole Year of the Pig thing at our local Chinese eatery. We ordered the special dinner for two and will have leftovers well into the year of the Rooster…

This brings up the Chinese Zodiac, something I love, as I’m a Snake! (Mr. Right is my very compatible star mate, the Ox).

So I’m doing my Valentine’s shopping last week and picked up some gloves, since Al needed new ones. I look on the rack for a size and a color choice. Didn’t give it much thought; they were bound together with the plastic tie used by stores to affix tags to merchandise. Al opens his gifts (none too impressed with the tartan-green iPod holder; what’s with that? Doesn’t every one live to accessorize?) and tries on the gloves. Two lefts! I just hope that guy with two right hands is happy. Or maybe some amputee got a real deal, whatever.

I go back to the department store Friday for the return. Of course, as a Shopaholic (our twelve-step program meets at those old malls on – so far, we’ve bought all the old store fixtures) I can’t JUST return something. I must leave with even more great sale stuff…

A box of 20 wooden hangars on the Clearance rack catches my eye. It’s like down to $7.45 or something. In the cart it goes. So do the Valentine’s day candles and holders, necklace and earrings, a leather belt, and underwear for Al.

I scour the Thermal Long Underwear rack in the hopes of making it to May first alive. Plenty of pretty choices – all in XXL. Hmmm. Proof positive fat people don’t get as cold as scrawny ones. Discouraged, I go to the checkout.

As I stand in line, I notice the racks and racks of Chicago Bears wear under the “60% off” signs at the front of the store. Should I get some for Al? Naw, it’ll be 75% off next week. There’s certainly no shortage! I’m amazed at how much is there. Gosh, guess they were anticipating some demand, eh?

I approach the checker and see a President’s Day sign. Oh my gosh, I get an additional 15% off! Whee! I would have bought more, had I known! Guess I should have looked at the Bears stuff. There’s always next year.

Get home and inspect the hangars. They must have been made by the country that underbid China. One of the cross bars looks warped, but other than that, they’re quite nice for hanging blue jeans. I do the math and they came to about 37 cents each. Score!

Had to go to the local Wal-Mart for the long underwear. Guess it make sense. Who shops at Evil Mart? Yep. All the sedentary SUV-driving, snack-cake buying locals. Plenty of Smalls on the rack. Not the same quality, but I’m too chilly to be picky at this point.

*"Forty-two!" yelled Loonquawl. "Is that all you've got to show for seven and a half million years' work?"

"I checked it very thoroughly, it's 42" said the computer, "and that quite definitely is the answer. I think the problem, to be quite honest with you, is that you've never actually known what the question is."

And a Happy Birthday to all who make jokes in base 13!

This Could So Happen at My House!

From AP:

BRANDON, Fla. - A palm-sized pet turtle and the golden retriever that gobbled it up survived the misadventure thanks to the quick actions of a 12-year-old girl, a veterinarian said.

The saga of Pepper the red-eared slider turtle and Bella the golden retriever started last week. Shelby Terihay, 12, moved her pet pond turtles indoors to protect them from a cold snap — a plan that worked well until Bella found some of the turtles in a bathtub, The Tampa Tribune reported.

A quick head count confirmed Bella had swallowed one of the turtles. Shelby insisted on a rescue mission, and on the advice of a vet, her parents made Bella vomit. Out came Pepper, still alive despite a shattered shell and an estimated 10 minutes inside Bella's belly.

"This was definitely a first for me," veterinarian David Thomassy said.
Thomassy patched up Pepper's shell and credited Shelby with saving Bella too.
"The turtle would definitely have caused an obstruction," Thomassy said. "Without cutting it out directly, it eventually would have killed the dog."

Was the dog checked for salmonella?

Turtle eats dog, now that's news!

But is this covered by Aflac?

Further proof pesticides have no effect on your chromosomes...

And you thought my cooking was bad...

If you believe we sterilize our equipment, clap your hands...
(but don't lick them)

If you believe a snack food can kill, clap your hands...

If you believe a lawsuit will be filed, clap your hands...

Gosh, Wendy, I'm sorry I've been such a jealous fool!

To make amends, I've made you a nice sandwich...

Friday, February 16, 2007

Fashion Forward

"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does." --Jay Leno

Monday, February 12, 2007

Thought so!

You paid attention during 91% of high school!

85-100% You must be an autodidact, because American high schools don't get scores that high! Good show, old chap!

Do you deserve your high school diploma?
Create a Quiz

Demand Your Equal Right rape, pillage and plunder just like the boys!

Ladies! Are you sick of making 78% of the pay a man does for the same job?

Having only 14 Senate seats and 70 House?

Tired of being almost exactly half the earth's population, yet none of it's Ten Worst Dictators?

That's right, while you're taking the kids to soccer practice, scrubbing toilets, planning and cooking meals, some two-bit male despot is getting all the glory!

Wouldn't you love to have some Me-Time to write a book? Produce a movie? Ban lip-syncing? Execute homosexual males? Declare a mandatory religion? Control the press? Have currency issued with your image? Arm ten-year-olds?

Or just have a golden statue erected in your honor?

The list goes on and on. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of missing out! Get motivated, sisters!

Stage a coup! Get involved. It's never too late to impact world history.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Why Didn't I Think of That?

"I thought the only space traveler who wore a wig and an adult diaper was William Shatner." –David Letterman

Read more awesome jokes I didn't come up with here.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Stupidest Pet Owner Ever Award

Hey, kids! Let's buy a dog that looks like a snack food, then antagonize a raptor!

BERLIN -- A German appellate court in Stuttgart proposed $19,500 fine Tuesday against a 70-year-old man who fatally beat an escaped golden eagle with his walking stick after it attacked his dachshund.

The man was walking with his wife and leashed dog in the town of Siegelsbach in southeast Germany in October 2005 when a passer-by told him the eagle - recently escaped from the center - was nearby. The man then approached the eagle.

When the eagle attacked the dachshund, the man hit it with his walking stick two to three times, he told the appellate court. The blows broke a wing and several bones of the bird, which died a few days later.

"The eagle pounced on my dog," he told the court. "I had to rescue it."

The lower court had found the dog owner bore the bulk of the responsibility because he had been warned not to approach the bird and should have known that an eagle might regard a small dog as prey.

Well, duh!

So Sleepy

Here's a nice link explaining true hibernation, something neither my brumating lizards nor torpid turtles are doing.

Guess I have to settle for winter lethargy. Sigh.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

This Never Happened to Major Nelson...

Ok, first off, can we all agree that 'wearing a diaper to avoid bathroom breaks' is evidence of a premeditated plan? And that a BB Gun, steel mallet, knife and pepper spray don't exactly shout "I'm just here to talk"? More like the Right Stuff for murder, wouldn't you agree?

Astro-Nut Lisa Nowak having a bad day

Really now, who wants a grown man known as Billy O?

But most troubling, what part of putting an electronic monitoring device on a robotics major sounds like a security measure?

"More than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship" - heck, that describes most marriages I know. For more on this angle, see Tom D'Antoni.

What of that 'psychological screening' all astronauts get? Big help here, obviously.

Bottom line: Why didn't she just send a robot to kill her rival?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Who Knew?

Guess the Super Bowl isn't the time to ask your husband stupid questions about the rules of football.

However, I did love the Oprah and David Letterman commercial. That was excellent.

Oh, and am I the only one who noticed the End of Civilization as We Know It as evidenced by the attempt to redeem the half-time show's tarnished reputation by hiring...Prince?

Happy Birthday Vince!!

How do I begin to express my love for Alice? I have just about every album, more than a few concert videos, comic books, t-shirts, and you-name-its... I just love his music!

I can't quite put my finger on what fascination this misogynist, eternal seventh-grader holds for me. Many songs are juvenile anthems shallower than my lizard's water dish, but who else could make Sick Things (in Cars) sound so sexy? I can't wait for his new book, Alice Cooper, Golf Monster: A Rock 'n' Roller's 12 Steps to Becoming a Golf Addict.

Wayne: "So, do you come to Milwaukee often?" Alice Cooper: "Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century." Pete: "Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?" Alice Cooper: "Yes, Pete, it is. In fact, it was originally an Algonquin term meaning "the good land."" Wayne: "I was not aware of that." Alice Cooper: "I think one of the most interesting things about Milwaukee is that it's the only American city to elect three Socialist mayors." Wayne to the camera: "Does this guy know how to party or what?"

Snakes On A Bottle!!

Impossible, but Cute! I love Green Tree Pythons, but hate vodka.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!

Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!
Happy Groundhog Day, Everyone!*

*Confidential to City of Woodstock: Get A Life!

Think Spring

Lust. Greed. Envy.

Yep, it's pretty hard not to invoke the seven deadly sins when looking at one of these Atomic Orange Indy Pace Cars. No telling how many commandments I'd break for one of these $66.995 babies. 500 will be offered to the public.

From the Corvette Museum:
"In years past, many Indy pace cars required extensive modification to perform their on-track tasks. The 2007 Corvette’s powertrain and suspension, including the 400-horsepower (298 kW) LS2 small-block V-8 engine, are more than adequate to maintain the speed, acceleration and handling required to lead the pack around the famed “Brickyard” race track. "

2007 marks the ninth year the Corvette has been chosen to pace the Indy 500. No word yet on who will be driving it.