And it came to pass, in the seventh year of home ownership…
First Plague: Water turned to Sludge – Neptune Washer Breaks
The Warranty told Al and Lisa, “If the Corporation demands that you stay on hold for hours, produce original UPC codes, registration information, obscure receipts and paperwork, do so.” The Corporation, however, was obstinate, and would not listen to them, just as the Internet had foretold.
Decent Business Practices said: Go and present yourself by the overflowing washer, holding in your hand the wax motor that turned into a serpent. Say to the Corporation: “Let my consumers go to your vaults and gain replacement units. But as yet you have not listened.” The Corporation remained obstinate and would not listen to Al and Lisa. All the consumers had to wash clothing by hand, since they could not use the machines.
Seven days passed after disaster had struck the washer. Al had to fix it himself, at his own expense.
Second Plague: Fire From Within – Maytag Dishwasher Recall
The Corporation summoned Al and Lisa and said, “Ok, you got me on the spontaneous combustion thing with the dishwasher. We’re doing a recall on that one. Do me the favor of appointing the time when you are to sit about and wait for my mighty repairman. He won’t arrive at that time, but it’ll give the boys in the boardroom a chuckle to think you took time off of work.”
Third Plague: The Dust Mites – Hoover Windtunnel Fails to Suck
Thereupon Lisa said unto Al, “Take the Hoover out of the closet and strike the dust of the carpet that it may be removed throughout the house.” Al stretched out his hand and with the Hoover struck the dust of the earth, but the carpet remained unmoved. Though the magicians tried to bring forth brushes by their magic arts, they could not. “This is the finger of God.”
Fourth Plague: Darkness of the Microwave – GE Spacesaver dies
Then Al said to Lisa, “Stretch out your hand toward the control panel, over the range there be such darkness that one can feel it.” So Lisa stretched out her hand, and there was dense darkness throughout the kitchen for seven days. Food could not be warmed, nor could they heat water for three days. But all the GE executives had light and cooked food where they dwelt. Rather than pay service for a new magnetron, Al and Lisa sacrificed their wages once again. Taking their livestock to the Big Box Store, another microwave was purchased. “The day you appear before me unfeeling CEOs, you shall die!” cried Lisa “Well said,” said Al.
Fifth Plague: The Death of the Dryer – Neptune Dryer Takes a Tumble
Then the Homeowners told the Corporation, “One more plague will you bring upon our Laundry and upon our pocketbook? After that, the Homeowner will let you depart. In fact, they will not merely let you go; they will drive you away. Never again will we buy a Maytag item, for Maytag Sucks. We will instruct our people that every man is to tell his neighbor that MAYTAG SUCKS. Sell any stock or holdings in Maytag Corporation, for they are truly evil and have a hard heart. They do not listen to the consumers, nor care about quality. Then there shall be loud wailing throughout the Maytag Corporation as such there has never been, nor will ever be again. All these servants of appliance companies shall then come down to my lowly blog. And prostrate before me, they shall beg me, ‘buy our crappy products again.’ And I shall not!
What can I say? I just wanted my 15 minutes of famine. Wish this blight would just Passover.
First Plague: Water turned to Sludge – Neptune Washer Breaks
The Warranty told Al and Lisa, “If the Corporation demands that you stay on hold for hours, produce original UPC codes, registration information, obscure receipts and paperwork, do so.” The Corporation, however, was obstinate, and would not listen to them, just as the Internet had foretold.
Decent Business Practices said: Go and present yourself by the overflowing washer, holding in your hand the wax motor that turned into a serpent. Say to the Corporation: “Let my consumers go to your vaults and gain replacement units. But as yet you have not listened.” The Corporation remained obstinate and would not listen to Al and Lisa. All the consumers had to wash clothing by hand, since they could not use the machines.
Seven days passed after disaster had struck the washer. Al had to fix it himself, at his own expense.
Second Plague: Fire From Within – Maytag Dishwasher Recall
The Corporation summoned Al and Lisa and said, “Ok, you got me on the spontaneous combustion thing with the dishwasher. We’re doing a recall on that one. Do me the favor of appointing the time when you are to sit about and wait for my mighty repairman. He won’t arrive at that time, but it’ll give the boys in the boardroom a chuckle to think you took time off of work.”
Third Plague: The Dust Mites – Hoover Windtunnel Fails to Suck
Thereupon Lisa said unto Al, “Take the Hoover out of the closet and strike the dust of the carpet that it may be removed throughout the house.” Al stretched out his hand and with the Hoover struck the dust of the earth, but the carpet remained unmoved. Though the magicians tried to bring forth brushes by their magic arts, they could not. “This is the finger of God.”
Fourth Plague: Darkness of the Microwave – GE Spacesaver dies
Then Al said to Lisa, “Stretch out your hand toward the control panel, over the range there be such darkness that one can feel it.” So Lisa stretched out her hand, and there was dense darkness throughout the kitchen for seven days. Food could not be warmed, nor could they heat water for three days. But all the GE executives had light and cooked food where they dwelt. Rather than pay service for a new magnetron, Al and Lisa sacrificed their wages once again. Taking their livestock to the Big Box Store, another microwave was purchased. “The day you appear before me unfeeling CEOs, you shall die!” cried Lisa “Well said,” said Al.
Fifth Plague: The Death of the Dryer – Neptune Dryer Takes a Tumble
Then the Homeowners told the Corporation, “One more plague will you bring upon our Laundry and upon our pocketbook? After that, the Homeowner will let you depart. In fact, they will not merely let you go; they will drive you away. Never again will we buy a Maytag item, for Maytag Sucks. We will instruct our people that every man is to tell his neighbor that MAYTAG SUCKS. Sell any stock or holdings in Maytag Corporation, for they are truly evil and have a hard heart. They do not listen to the consumers, nor care about quality. Then there shall be loud wailing throughout the Maytag Corporation as such there has never been, nor will ever be again. All these servants of appliance companies shall then come down to my lowly blog. And prostrate before me, they shall beg me, ‘buy our crappy products again.’ And I shall not!
What can I say? I just wanted my 15 minutes of famine. Wish this blight would just Passover.
Moses Parting the Red Tape
Yea, though I type through the Cyber darkness,
I will fear no evil, for thy Google search engine and “Maytag Sucks”
shall comfort me all the days of my Second Life.
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