Much like some other bloggers, writer Cory Franklin suggests Lassie should be held to a higher standard of heroism than your average over-paid TV dog diva...
...other investigators have determined that Flipper was a fake. Scientists
believe it was not possible for him to keep foiling criminals, guide all those
boats to safety and never fail to warn Bud and Sandy of danger; he was simply
too stupid.
That line from the theme song--"No one you see, is smarter than he"--a carefully devised part of the coverup. The most likely explanation for how the brilliant hoax was perpetrated is that Flipper was actually a trained East German goldfish fed steroids and dressed in a dolphin costume.
This stunning revelation about a TV family favorite has opened the window on other faked performances. For years, rumors have been circulating out of Studio City that Mr. Ed could not actually talk. Some trained observers have suspected as much all along, pointing to secret tapes of the show, never shown on TV, where Mr. Ed's lips supposedly do not move when he speaks. Alan Young, a.k.a. Wilbur, the only person Mr. Ed ever spoke to, is now in his 80s and refuses to give interviews.Unsubstantiated reports are that Young has been warned to keep silent by a Hollywood syndicate with residual rights that stands to lose millions if Mr. Ed is exposed as a fake.
Arnold Ziffel, that clever pig on "Green Acres" whom farmers Fred and Doris Ziffel considered their son? He could do practically anything, including play the piano, write his name and go to school where he played practical jokes on other students. In
retrospect, it defies credulity that the viewing public could actually believe this. Reportedly, Eddie Albert, Arnold's co-star, was disgusted by the anthropomorphic deception. His annoyance is often visible on screen, and it became a such constant source of contention between him and Eva Gabor that handyman Eb was forced to intervene on several occasions. Upon hearing Samuel L. Jackson refer to Arnold as "charming" in "Pulp Fiction," Albert vowed never to see the movie. On his deathbed, Albert allegedly said that if he had learned one thing in life, it's that the old adage was right: Never try and teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Of course, all these are merely a prelude to the biggest fraud of all the TV animals. The Big Kahuna. Who else? Lassie. For those who can't bear to face it, stop reading now. But recently declassified documents indicate Lassie was a coward. Whenever a scene called for Lassie to race into a burning building, swim a river or fight off a
bear, shooting had to be stopped and a stunt double summoned. It was, in fact,
well known on the set that in the face of danger Lassie actually cringed and
refused to leave her trailer.Journalist Seymour Hersh is said to have proposed
an expose for The New Yorker, but editors nixed the idea, saying the public
couldn't handle such a devastating story. (read full story here)
That paragon of investigative expose, The Onion, had this to say -
GAINESVILLE, FLA. Although dolphins have long been celebrated for their high
intelligence and for appearing to have a complex language, a team of researchers
at the University of Florida reported Monday that these traits are markedly less
evident on dry land.
After capturing the dolphins from the ocean, Lindell and his colleagues tagged them and placed them under the intense, high-wattage lights of a moisture-proof lab. The researchers then administered an extensive battery of tests designed to measure everything from the dolphins' self-awareness to their aptitude for writing and reading comprehension.
"Dolphins have a popular reputation for being excellent communicators,"
Lindell said. "But our study group offered only three types of response to every
question we posed: a nonsensical, labored wheezing, an earsplitting barrage of
unintelligible high-pitched shrieks, and in extreme cases, a shrill, distressed
scream."
No comments:
Post a Comment