Mayday, Mayday

The planned development continues unabated on our street and I hear the clock ticking on the time I have in my present house. I predict having to move within two years as the doomsday meter clicks down. Some day, long after I’m gone, someone will be sorry all the fertile topsoil of Illinois was buried beneath cheap tract housing. I only regret I will not be able to smirk and say I Told You So as famine stalks the land. Pretty much that is the only thing I live for, saying I Told You So; whether it refers to a warning I’ve issued over a hot pot on the stove, or the total destruction of mankind. It just feels good to be right, don’t you agree?

“Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone somewhere might be happy”-
Henry Mencken.

We’re going to see Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy tonight; I’ll give you a full report. I loved the books, as they broke every rule of writing. They were not plot driven, just a chance to throw out some great jokes and wry observations. Kind of like my writing, wouldn’t you agree?

Hear about the bride who got cold feet and ‘faked’ her kidnapping? As a result of wackos like her, when the young man in Elgin was kidnapped and placed in the trunk of his mother’s car, I doubted the veracity of his call to 911. Fortunately, police took it seriously and treated it as a true crime, whereas I suspected he was a teen out joyriding too late who wanted to stay out of trouble.

It’s almost Kentucky Derby time, just about the only sporting event I follow. My early pick is Sun King. Just like the name. Many horses this year are owned by celebrities, and at least two sired by Fusachi Pegasus.

The Ivory-Billed Woodpecker has been confirmed as alive and living in Arkansas. This is exciting news for ornithologists and animal lovers everywhere, as the bird was long thought extinct. The last positive sighting was in 1944. Perhaps it’s the same one – just really, really old, and the last survivor. Actually, they are only supposed to live 15 years, so, my theory may not be the best one. But let’s hunt that poor thing down and clone it, just to be sure!

I am all in favor of cloning. Not to mention stem cell research and any other Franken-Science you can think of. Particle accelerators? Why not? Time travel? Sounds good to me. Remember, at one time it was a great taboo to cut into a dead body to try and discover more about the inner workings of our organs. Now cadavers are used in medical schools and autopsies are helping unlock the secrets of Alzheimer’s and Mad Cow disease. Speaking of cows, on my walk to the development area yesterday, I announced to the peacefully grazing bovines there that they would soon be homeless, and “You KNOW what happens to homeless cows, don’t you?”, I concluded. Can’t resist saying I told you so to even a herd of cattle. As the creator of Dilbert would say, I’m just a little ray of bitter sunshine, aren’t I?

What I’m Reading: A Brief History of Time
What I’m Watching: Ronin
What I’m Recommending: Jesus Land
Stay away from: uncontrolled growth