Mother’s Day is coming up and I’ve been reading the local paper to formulate my strategy for the big day. First off, it’s free breakfast for mom at IHOP. She can have the pancakes, and I’ll get the oatmeal. How expensive can that be? Then it’s over to the local nursery for a free 4” Blooming Azalea for the first 75 moms. Not buying any thing else there, the prices are outrageous. The free Manicure for Mom package at the downtown day spa will be next. Since we’re already there, I might as well get the facial, massage and pedicure package for myself. She can wait by the magazine rack until my stuff is done. Then I’ll use my free Movie for Mom coupon over at the Cineplex. Of course, I’m picking the movie. (Hope she likes Mother’s Day Massacre on Main Street starring Freddy and Jason.) Next mom can get a free blood pressure and cholesterol screening at the Walgreen’s while I browse the makeup aisle. Then it’s over to the Suds n’ Scrub for our free car wash for mom (you didn’t think we were doing all that tooling around on my gas dime, did you?). Then it’s back home by 3 so I can get ready for my waitress job. Whew. Thank God that only comes once a year.
My husband came home and asked if I had heard about the guy who woke up after ten years in a coma. Yeah, I did. Could have nipped that in the bud by pulling the plug a decade ago. Who gets the glee of sitting down and explaining his medical bills to him? There’s a guy not on an HMO. Has the Shaivo family commented yet? Let it go….
Hear about the guy who found a finger in his custard? Unlike the Wendy’s chili incident, this one is very real. A man in Wilmington, N.C., brought a pint of frozen custard home and saw an object near the top. Thinking it was candy, he stuck it in his mouth. (You may retch now) Officials of the state dept. of agriculture investigated and found one of the shop employees did indeed lose part of a finger in a food processing machine. Wait! It gets grosser. Last July, another employee severed an index finger on the same machine. Eeeeew. Don’t order the Berry Surprise. Didn’t Stephen King do a story on that machine – the Mangler or something?
For all the ways I can point to the decline of America, sometimes I hear something that gives a ray of hope for the future. Specifically, I’m speaking about the Runaway Bride Kit on Ebay. Yes, some enterprising individual is advertising a Runaway Bride Kit after hearing about the Georgia woman who fled her fancy nuptials. The kit consists of scissors, hair dye, sunglasses and a copy of the movie Runaway Bride. They suggest it makes a great bridal shower gift. India might have all the great technical jobs, but do they have this kind of blatant make-a-buck at anyone’s’ expense ingenuity? I should hope not
What I’m Reading: Newspapers
What I’m Watching: Stacked
What I’m Listening to in the Car: Moody Blues
What I’m Recommending: Buying Ad Space on this Blog
Stay away from: Angry Bridesmaids
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