Father Nature, I Presume

It’s the middle of May and I have on a cashmere sweater – what’s wrong with this picture? I’m sick of being cold! I haven’t even been out rollerblading once yet this season. Sunday was beautiful, but as explained, I had to waitress and did not have time to try out the skates. Mother Nature is not a woman. If she were, things would be much more pleasant. Not to mention organized. As soon as I’m God, I’ll fix all that. Sixteen hours of daylight each day, average temp 80 degrees, thunderstorms by appointment and mostly at night….

It really poured rain yesterday, and we certainly needed it, but my day was starting very badly. My travel mug of coffee sprung a mysterious leak and dripped all over the cup tray as I slogged along behind a Ford that thought 35 MPH was suitable on a wide open rural road. About then the Check Engine light came on. As you’ve probably figured out, these lights tell you nothing about the status of your engine, or exactly how soon it should be checked, but are instead sly marketing tools designed to get you into a dealership so they can scare you into unnecessary service.

“Yep, it’s the master cylinder backup alert sensor module. I’d replace that right away if I were you. It’s only a $32 part, but it could save your life. Oh, tax and labor? $279. See, we have to remove all four wheels, the shock absorbers, bushings…”

I hate idiot lights. I can’t tell you how nice it is to get into my 37-year-old Corvette and be able to see actual gauges. Watching your car slowly overheat as you cross the Nevada desert is one of life’s little pleasures not to be missed. The voltage regulator is going crazy and burning up? Enjoy the jumpiness of the ammeter for awhile before seeking a new heavy duty alternator in the back woods of Canada. Oil pressure dropping dangerously? Really need to get a decent rebuild sometime soon. Til then, a quart of oil every 400 miles should take care of it.

I think idiot lights should be more creative and reflect real-life driving conditions. Think of how useful the “Ha Ha” light could be… a little violet light blinks Ha! as soon as the car passes out of warranty. It’s just the manufacturers’ way of reminding you they are no longer paying for anything that might go wrong from here on out, and boy are they glad you won’t be in every month with each nitpicky thing noticed.

What about the Obsolete light? This orange flashing ‘frownie face’ lets you know when your last payment has been made. Your car is now an outdated dinosaur that needs to be replaced with something newer, fancier, and more expensive. What fun is there in a paid off vehicle?

Closely related is the Humiliation light. This baby blinks green with envy when a superior make and model of car passes you. It’s just a visual reminder of your inadequacy in both income and horsepower.

Or a Get Some Taste in Music sensor for the radio? And for the obsessive – compulsive car cleaners like myself, there could be a dash light that flashes brown when your car gets muddy. It could appear on a little car silhouette on a screen that would indicate where the offending goo hit – bugs on bumper, mud on wheels, bird poop on roof, etc. When encountering tar, the whole icon would flash and an audible ‘whoop whoop’ would alert the driver to spend the rest of the day scraping goo off the undercarriage.

What I’m Reading: Washington Nannies
What I’m Watching: ER
What I’m Listening to in the Car: Life and Crimes of Alice Cooper
What I’m Recommending: Getting a Life
Stay away from: Movies featuring Jar Jar Binks