Big Brown Countdown

Thanks to me, tomorrow is Wear (Big) Brown Day. He certainly looked impressive in the Preakness, but I'm really getting sick of that smug trainer of his. We'll just have to wait and see what Saturday brings. But first, full disclosure: I'm putting $2 each to win on Denis of Cork and Casino Drive. Just because you never know...

Catsup to Poultry Any Day Now

Hold the tomato, hold the spinach
Extra bacteria does upset us,
All we ask is that you let us
Protect ourselves that way....


AUSTIN — Health officials have confirmed 35 cases of salmonella in Texas since a multi-state outbreak thought to stem from raw tomatoes started in mid-April.

As they work to determine the source, health officials are advising that people not eat any raw Roma or full-sized round tomatoes other than those sold attached to the vine or grown at home.

Excuse me? The only vegetable I'm growing at home is whatever colonizes on the vegetables I buy at the store before I get around to using them...

Hmmmmmm......

Kindred Spirit

Getalife Girl, the later years...

DANVILLE, Calif. - A Danville woman faces arson charges after she allegedly set fires at two gas stations and a coffee house, saying she was protesting high gas prices. You go, girl! Light em up!

The woman, 64, remained Thursday in a Contra Costa jail on $810,000 bail on suspicion of premeditated arson and burglary. For a first offence? That's high.

Police say the woman used a fireplace log and a lighter to set fires in the restrooms of an Arco station, a Chevron station and a Starbucks on Wednesday. No structural damage was reported at the locations. But all three seemed 'cozier' with a fireplace.

Police later found the woman at a nearby fast food restaurant with eight fireplace logs with her. Was she buying them a happy meal?

She told officers that she was behind the fires and said she woke up that morning wanting to do something about high gas prices. I can so relate!

Police say they don't know why she targeted the Starbucks. Their coffee is too strong. I prefer Gloria Jean's.

Charges have not yet been filed, and it's not clear if the woman has a lawyer in the case. I wish I were an attorney and could offer her my services pro bono.

Sniff!

LOUISVILLE, Ky. -- Eight Belles will be interred at the Kentucky Derby Museum, near the grave sites of four Kentucky Derby winners.

The 3-year-old filly broke two ankles after finishing second to Big Brown in the Kentucky Derby on May 3. She was euthanized on the track.

The track said Tuesday it will plant a tree in honor of Eight Belles and her remains will be buried at its base. The memorial is planned for the museum's courtyard, with the date still to be set.
Churchill Downs will rename the $150,000-added La Troienne in honor of Eight Belles. The Grade III stakes race for 3-year-old fillies will continue to be run on the Kentucky Derby day undercard. The track also plans a ceremony on Derby day in 2009 in the filly's memory.
Steve Sexton, executive vice president of Churchill Downs Inc., said the track's foundation will contribute $25,000 to the Eight Belles Memorial Fund.

The fund, established by Thoroughbred Charities of America, is aimed at researching racehorse injuries and retraining retired thoroughbreds. The contribution will be matched by Eight Belles owner Rick Porter.

Number One?

The first post position has produced the most Belmont winners - 25 - since 1905, and that's where favorite Big Brown will be breaking from this Saturday. Will it be a cakewalk? Well, has UPS ever lost YOUR package?
Oh, this looks comfy.

Oh, This Will Last Longer than the Belmont (Not)

Third time's the charm!!


Charlie Sheen marries a third time


What I want to know is: are any of these exes getting their hands on his collectable cars?

Oh, he looks sober. $350K an episode sober.

CAD-ie (no) SHOCK

Bill Murray Accused Of Drug, Spouse Abuse
Divorce filing says comedian a serial adulterer who abandoned family

MAY 29--Bill Murray is a drug-addicted spousal abuser and serial adulterer who has abandoned his family, according to a scathing divorce filing by his estranged wife. Jennifer Murray alleges that the Academy Award-nominated actor's "adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment" led her in 2006 to move into a separate South Carolina home with the couple's four children.

Murray contends that the comedian physically abused her on several occasions during their marriage (they were wed in 1997) and that the star hit her in the face during a November 2007 confrontation in her home. During that incident, the May 12 complaint alleges, the 57-year-old performer "told her she was 'lucky he didn't kill her.'" Jennifer Murray charges that the actor would often leave town without telling her, and sometimes "travels overseas where he engages in public and private altercations and sexual liaisons." She also claims that he "repeatedly...left threatening voice messages on the home telephone which the minor children have heard." In addition to seeking a divorce, Jennifer Murray wants a restraining order issued against the Hollywood star.

She also wants a court to determine the legal validity of a premarital agreement signed prior to the couple's July 1997 nuptials. That agreement, a copy of which you'll find here, guarantees Jennifer Murray a lump sum payment of $7 million upon the couple's divorce.

"A hoopy frood always knows where his towel is"

Japanese patient's 'tumour' turns out to be 25-year-old towel

TOKYO (AFP) - Doctors who carried out surgery on a Japanese man to remove a "tumour" had good news and bad news for him. He did not have cancer -- but the "growth" that had been causing him pain was in fact a 25-year-old surgical towel.


25th of May - Towel Day!!

Dough!

Congratulations to the cast voicing The Simpsons!

After months of negotiations, the cast of Fox's long-running animated series reached a new four-year deal with the studio during the weekend.

Under the pact, the top actors will be paid nearly $400,000 per episode. While this is lower than the reported $500,000 the cast originally sought, it remains a significant increase from their current paychecks of about $300,000 an episode. (By contrast, Charlie Sheen is the highest-paid sitcom star, reportedly earning $350,000 per episode in 2006.)

However...

As of Monday, the status of Harry Shearer, who voices Mr. Burns and Ned Flanders, among other characters, was unclear. Because of a last-minute snag, his deal did not close with the other cast members', and it was not clear if he would show up for work on Tuesday.

Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

No Sex Appeal in the Country

Why did I bother donning silk pants and stilettos for my Sex in the City soiree?

Honestly, I thought ladies were going to dress up for this event. No such luck. I saw some heifers with sparkles on the the T-Shirts they were wearing over their spandex Capri pants, but that was about it. (word to the wise: spandex is a privilege, not a right)

Louise called me Saturday afternoon and we decided to attend a theater in a nearby resort town. Years ago, this town was the playground of the Chicago rich looking to get away from it all on a beautiful Wisconsin lake. I bet Al Capone's gun molls dressed up for a night out at the local speakeasy. Now? Not so much.

I was concerned the tickets would all be sold out before we could get there, so we agreed she would buy the tickets that afternoon in advance.

"You don't mind that I use my senior discount?" she asked. Senior discount? What was AARP down to? 45? How was she going to qualify? I guess they take 'em pretty young.

Since I've never met a discount I didn't like, of course I was on board. Heck, I'd even hunch over on the walk from the car to the door, if that would help save a few bucks.

"Are the tickets bright red or something?" I worried. I imagine I'd look pretty old to a teenage ticket taker, but being busted still scared me. I could just laugh and say, "I'll tell my surgeon you carded me! He'll be so tickled..."

No need to fear. We weren't stopped. No one paid us any mind.

I must say I enjoyed the movie. I thought it much better than expected. (Ok, maybe not Iron Man, but quite good). I did take issue with the ending however. Not to spoil anything, but I wondered why Carrie had to blame herself. I thought it very realistic throughout, including that aspect, it's just sad that some women really do react like that.

Later, we went out to dinner and ordered two.... iced teas. Whoo! Aren't we wild women. Then we went on a shopping spree at.... Super China Mart. Amazingly, my feet didn't hurt at all in snakeskin high heels as we shopped everything from produce to pet supplies.

All in all, a good day with a girlfriend. Isn't that what it's really all about?

Caffeinated Jam!

Smucker to buy Folgers in stock deal


MMMM!! Mountain Dew preserves! Coffee-flavored spread for your toast!

Those aren't seeds, those are coffee grounds in your jelly.

It Could Happen to Me!

I mean, if she was hidding in the off-season section...

Japanese man finds woman living in his closet

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!!

Whatever am I going to wear to see Sex in the City?

I'm suddenly under the impression I have some strange 'card-carrying girlfriend' obligation to wear a costume to the show. Where I live, things are somewhat south of casual. A typical movie night reveals most of the patrons in their 'only worn two days' sweat pants.

A local paper featured a woman buying a whole new outfit with stilettos to match. What is she going to do? Wear Dolce and Gabbana to the ten-theater Multiplex on the highway? Can't wait to watch those Jimmy Choos turn into Jimmy Chews as she gets to scrape the gum off the bottoms...

Let me guess. I'm going to pay top dollar to sit behind some idiot in that crazy acorn hat...

Yes, I Really Said That

So I swing by the local Evil - Mart (oh, like you're not a hypocrite...) to pick up some drugs for my desprately ill Al*. On my way out I see a teen girl facing the shampoo.

"When you're finished with that, check the watermelons up front for scorpions."

She didn't get it.

Don't young people read blogs anymore?



*Influenza is a serious condition that can lead to death. Like I'd get that lucky.

Things that make you go Hmmmm....

If you Have it Your Way, Will You Please Move Forward???

Score!

Once again I have upset millions in a drive through line in the quest for a particular Happy Meal toy...





Nothing like someone with a heavy accent trying to hurry you to the next window by asking "Boy or Girl toy?", while you shout "Mach 5" and "I want the white car" into a rusty speaker. How sexist! Just because I have neatly paired chromosomes is no indication I would be thrilled with a Bratz doll. I wouldn't. And keep your Hello Kitty while you're at it.

Did I mention this was the Friday Lunch Hour Rush, and two SUVs and five mini-vans loaded with cranky toddlers were honking in impatience?




I can just imagine employees pressing the mute button and yelling to each other in Guatemalan, "Just give her the damn toy! She won't leave! Remember how many times a week she came in during the Cars promotion? She doesn't even have kids! LOSER!!!"





I have no desire to see the movie, but I was a fan of the original cartoon. This was way before I knew what manga meant. I just had a crush on Racer X! The hideous box office take should quell any thoughts of a sequel, and what little previews I've seen turned me off. Here's an excerpt from an interview with the stars of the show. No wonder it tanked!

These two don't sound like auto enthusiasts to me:

Are you car enthusiasts?

Ricci: I used to be, but I’m not anymore. It’s too much work. I had a ’67 Firebird, and my first car ever was a 1964 Ford Falcon Futura station wagon. Then I had the Porsche 911, the year 2000 model. I was kind of into cars, but it’s just too much work. The vintage ones break down, and they don’t pass the smog-emissions checks.

What do you drive now?

Ricci: I won’t say. It’s bad for the environment.

Emile, car enthusiast?

Hirsch: Only the new-technology cars that are absolutely good for the environment. I have a Toyota Prius. I don’t have an interest in any car that isn’t good for the environment, other than maybe an aesthetic quality in a picture book.

Sheeesh. Excuse me, I have to go find someone to co-sign a loan so I can get a tank of 93 octane for the weekend. Heard a rumor it might hit 75 degrees and have an hour or two without rain.

In-Die Weekend

Sad to report, but Indy the Indi-cator Fish has passed away. Just before this year's Indianapolis 500, I awoke to an empty bowl. Looking down, I saw that he had leaped from the bowl and aired* to death on a bistro chair. Was he like a faithful dog who knew his time was nigh and tried to go off quietly somewhere alone? I wonder how old he was. I purchased him around May of 2006, so he was with me awhile, but who knows how old he may have been when stolen from a shallow puddle in Asia for shipment overseas.

In other Indy news, I'm saddened by Danica Patrick's twenty-second place finish in this year's 500. I don't know the rules of racing to the extent of 'whose side' I would care to take on the Briscoe/Patrick contact that knocked both drivers out of the race, but I do think she was having car problems. As someone in spitting distance of a ten-million-dollar failure of Motorola's, I'd just like to point out perhaps she'd like to seek sponsorship with companies doing better in the stock market and able to produce cutting edge technology. Just a thought.




*Fish can't 'drown', so do they 'air' ?

How Now, Brown?

Even I must admit Big Brown looked quite commanding at the Preakness Stakes. So am I on board with this Knox Delivery Truck of a horse? The Big Brown Bandwagon? Perhaps. As noted earlier, I can't hold his handlers against him.

Here's some interesting info from AP's racing writer, Richard Rosenblatt: Big Brown has won all five of his races by a combined 39 lengths, including the Derby by 4 3/4 lengths and the Preakness by 5 1/4 lengths. Big Brown was so dominant, both margins could have been wider but jockey Kent Desormeaux didn't need to ask his horse to run any harder than necessary in the stretch.

"That was by design," Dutrow said. "If you have the overwhelming horse, why go out there and show everybody? Get the job done and let's get them next time. You got to save horse."

And what about the Belmont, which could be the final race of Big Brown's career? Will Dutrow allow Desormeaux to let Big Brown pour it on if he's got the race locked up? "There's no reason to put on a show. What's the reason?" Dutrow said. "Big Brown is a fragile horse. He's already had major issues with his feet, and we're dealing with another one now. And the more pressure you put on your horse in the afternoon, the more things are going to come apart."

Why, Mr. Riddle, why? Because it's all about money. He's entered a rumored $50 million dollar syndication deal and it has already been declared he will not race as a four-year-old. If the horse is injured to the point he won't make it to stud, there's lost dollars! Don't think for a minute it's about the safety of the horse. I wish he could be pushed to the maximum, just to see what he's made of! How will we ever know our greats if they are coddled? Do ball players not want to set records? Just the opposite! They knowingly jeopardize their health (see: steroids) in pursuit of the next record-breaking feat. Couldn't we somehow balance safety with performance? The sport needs heroes. Not more mediocre stud horses. He's already fragile? Well, there's that whole breeding/pushing too much too soon issue.

Cougar Catch-Up

CSI: Cougar

Ok, people, I'm sure you've all been waiting for me to weigh in on the whole Chicago Cougar Controversy. Due to my lousy attitude (thanks to our ungodly cold weather), I really haven't been posting as I should.





So here it is in a nutshell: There was NO REASON to shoot that magnificent animal!





A cougar ran loose in Chicago on Monday for the first time since the city's founding in the 19th Century.





Hey, what's that? Something rare and unusual? Let's shoot it! See Also: Why There are no Unicorns






But by day's end, the animal lay dead in a back alley on the North Side, shot by police who said they feared it was turning to attack.





The same police department that has been videotaped beating female bartenders senseless and slugging a man confined to a wheelchair...? Oh, yes, that feisty feline was a huge threat, cowering cornered in that alley and all...





Whatever its origin, the 5-foot-long cougar's unlikely journey ended in the Roscoe Village neighborhood, where residents reported sightings throughout the day to the Chicago Commission on Animal Care and Control.





Plenty of time to get trained zookeepers and a tranquilizer gun! Wonder how many of those reports were hung up on, dismissed as delusional residents?





Greene said he heard a volley of gunfire...





Not one shot. Not two shots. Not three. Neighbors reported hearing between ten and twenty four shots! At what point does 'for the public safety' become 'extremely unsafe to the public'? This is the same police force contemplating assault weapons for their officers!!! So they won't be out gunned by gangs - and circus animals?





As the shots stopped, Greene heard the police yelling, "We got him! We got him!"





with glee?





This cat travelled without incident from at least Wisconsin, only to be slaughtered in the big city. What do we need to do now? Have cougars declared endangered in Illinois, making it illegal to kill, harass, or harm one. Why? In life - or - death situations (this has not been proven one) officials could kill such an animal. But the average resident could not. Without a protected status, I could shoot one for fun and not be arrested for poaching, as there is no conservation prohibition or hunting season established for this animal.

Endangered Cat-trall,
cougar familliars




Of course, your next question is: Do you have an alibi for April 24th?





In his first public comments about a letter sent to his office from someone who may have tried to torch his Michigan vacation house, Mayor Richard Daley described the correspondence as "personal" and "very, very vicious."





Investigators, including the FBI, are looking into whether there is a connection between the fire and letters threatening Daley, possibly because Chicago police shot a cougar on the North Side on April 14.





No, I did not write the letters, nor do I condone threatening tactics such as those being investigated. And, yes, I have an alibi for the 24th (I'm hooked on 30 Rock). But I must admit I was more than a few people's 'first suspect' due to my outspoken criticism of the handling of this case.

Rest in Peace

Male Cougar, circa 2005 - April 14, 2008

Quit Blaming Reptiles!

Salmonella Outbreak Linked to Dry Dog Food *
* to which my cat remarked: Salmon outbreak? Why wasn't my food included?

...Salmonella infections in humans from dry dog food may be an under-recognized source of illness in people, especially young children, officials from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said.

"This is the first time human illness has been linked to dry dog food," said CDC epidemiologist Dr. Casey Barton Behravesh, who co-authored a report on the finding.

The CDC isn't sure how the Salmonella bacteria got into the dog food, Barton Behravesh said...
See: China

Oh, man. NOW what am I going to serve for dinner Wednesday?

Al: What's for Dinner?
Me: Beef By-Products
Al: What?
Me: Cycle 6: for the Recession Years

Low, Low, Risk (Most) Every Day

Scorpion stings girl at Barboursville Wal-Mart

One young shopper at a Wal-Mart in West Virginia had to watch out for more than falling prices. Or anti-labor actions?

A 12-year-old girl picking up a seedless watermelon from a bin was stung Sunday by a tan, inch-long scorpion that had apparently stowed away in a shipment from Mexico. Another fine illegal immigrant here to take jobs from domestic wasps and other venom-producing insects.

Megan Templeton, of Barboursville, was taken to the hospital as a precaution but later released. Her father, William Templeton, said the pain was a little worse than a bee sting.

He initially didn't believe his daughter when she said she had been stung by a scorpion, but then he saw the critter scurry underneath a box. It was captured by Wal-Mart employees.
Who were not paid extra for hazardous duty... In fact, they were all made to punch out and were told no one was going home until the scorpion was found.

Most of the nearly 2,000 kinds of scorpions are not dangerous to humans.
Some are quite cute!

Richard Coyle, senior director of international affairs for Wal-Mart, said store employees believe the problem was with a single shipment of watermelons.
Oh, please. Aforementioned minimum-wage workers are now going through every crate.

"We are very concerned," he said. "This is a very rare incident. When I spoke with the store manager, she said in her 17 years she had never heard of something like this."
...Ever leaking out to the press.

Moral of the story: Seedless Watermelons are Evil. Insist on seeded!

And Mao Years Were a Walk in the Park?

Mental trauma rampant after China earthquake

I think we should dispatch a contingent of Scientologists to help. Not helpful to the Chinese people, but it would improve my mental state to ship a few overseas.

Anybody But Brown

Eight Belles

February 23, 2005-May 3, 2008

Hate to hailstorm all over the Big Brown cakewalk to the triple crown parade, but I just can't support him. Yes, he's a beautiful, unbeaten equine of note, but the triple crown? Sorry, I don't like his trainer at all, and I guess that's reason I'm not rooting for him. I'm so sick of these 'redemptive' stories. They try so hard to bring out the human drama in sports shows.

Remember Afleet Alex? A true athlete with the desire to win, and a humanatarian bring-your-hanky icon.

However, I am far from convinced Dutrow's problems are behind him. His jockey is known as an arrogant jerk. I realize I shouldn't hold this against the horse, but for once I'd like to see a generally good normal person (i.e. myself ) win something spectacular and not have some sob story to flout in the press.


Secondly, why isn't anyone recognizing that Eight Belles could have beat him, had she been sound. What if she was breaking down DURING the race?* Talk about a traumatic Ruffian flash back!** This valiant filly could have taken the world by storm and really given horse racing the shot in the arm it needed.

Kudos to NBC for trying to address the issue of horse racing dangers and its critics. Her trainer says she was not on painkillers and her steroids test was negative.


I do support racing reforms, but I do not blame her jockey in any way. The PETA crowd is way over the top.

Breeding and the push to race too young are huge factors hurting these animals. I support Gary Steven's call for a national oversight board that does not allow any drugs (painkillers that mask injury) as well. We need to keep this sport alive, but in a manner that supports rather than destroys its star performers.


My picks for the Preakness? I boxed Racecar Rhapsody and Riley Tucker, with Stevil to show. A whopping $6 is riding on this!

*NASCAR analogy #2: Can I help but wonder if some nutcases are in the stands today hoping to see a breakdown?

**Would someone please alert me when the Eight Belles memorial beanie baby goes on sale?

Can Big Brown Deliver?

Is there anything left in America that does not have corporate sponsorship? Oh, wait, this blog...

Frankly, I'm still upset about jockeys wearing advertisements like NASCAR drivers. (Although I would be the first in line to sign my winning horse up for every product endorsement I could think of, from Wheaties* Boxes to Hanes Horse Blankets and Nike Air Horseshoes...)

Now if Fed Ex sponsored a horse, maybe we'd have a race. A match race would be cool.

Or this - "And they're spinning out of the final turn and it's neck and neck for Fed Ex and Big Brown passing a fading Snail Mail. Wait, what's this? It's Instant Message on the outside! Instant Message is closing the gap, and it's Instant Message by a nanosecond! Fed Ex second, Big Brown to show, followed by Snail Mail and a disgraced Telegraph in last..."

*Wheatie Whinneys, now with more real wheat!

I am Awesome, Man!

Just got home from seeing Iron Man, and I loved it! Well worth the price of admission. (But I still gave the kid in the ticket booth a hard time about it: "What do you think you're doing, selling gas?" I asked. )

Just add Robert Downey, Jr. to the list of bad boys you can't help but love... (See Also: Sheen, Charlie and Wilson, Owen) I really do hope he's beaten his addictions and wish him the best. However, you won't catch me cosigning on any movie-insurance forms for him, if you know what I mean.

The origin story was very endearing, I liked that the character was a rich genius. I'm very anti-Hulk that way. Clark Kent never did anything for me, either. Just because everyone around him was so stupid they couldn't figure out 'glasses' as a secret disguise didn't make Clark a theoretical physicist, just smarter than those dopes. At least Batman was tortured. And rich. Hmmm. I'm seeing a trend... Oh, God, no! My comic dream date - Ritchie Rich??? Ew!! Maybe Aquaman. I'd like to live under the sea.

I understand Paltrow asked Marvel for issues that would help her understand her character. I certainly admire that, but I'm sure the material severely limited her performance. She had no depth because the character was written with none. Miss Moneypenny all the way.

The show was obviously sponsored by Burger King and Audi. Both Iron Man and Pepper drove Audi R8s! Nothing like being so rich your assistant drives an R8. However, I must alert readers to another grade of A this movie receives from me: A for Auto Abuse.

I'm talking about the disturbing scene where Tony is single-handedly creating the Iron Man suit in his monster garage - without removing any of the exotics or motorcycles along the outside wall. One glance and I knew disaster was about to occur. I should have covered my eyes. I spotted a Lamborghini, Porsche, Audi, and Cobra, along with a few others I couldn't ID.

Spoiler Alert: The Cobra gets it. This blatant movie destruction of a priceless automobile is more than this enthusiast could shrug off easily. It's only a movie, it's only a movie, it's only....

Also, I hated having to wait for the closing credits to hear the iconic Black Sabbath song. I do hope they open the next movie with it!

Hole in None

Q Mr. President, you haven't been golfing in recent years. Is that related to Iraq?





THE PRESIDENT: Yes, it really is. I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to see the Commander-in-Chief playing golf. I feel I owe it to the families to be as -- to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think playing golf during a war just sends the wrong signal.

Poor President Bush! All alone in setting a good example while Dick hunts and Condi buys shoes during times of national crises.

You know what sends the wrong signal? Defense Secretary Rumsfeld not signing condolence letters. Throwing out the Geneva Convention. Invading an oil-producing nation and passing on the ten-billion-a-month cost on to domestic petrol purchasers.

Want to sent the right message, Mr. President?

Get those two bums you call daughters enlisted. That's right - you have two healthy children of service age, and all they did was follow in your footsteps with a prestigious college degree and never seeing a day of combat.



Honestly, how much danger would they be in? Very little.



A) it could be announced that they are in an undisclosed location due to 'security concerns'*


B) Let's face it, thousands of other soldiers would die keeping them safe, no matter how poor their decision making skills on the battlefield.



Sorry to hear you had to cut back on the golf, big guy. 1600 acres is plenty big for your own course. Now explain all those 'vacation days' at the ranch to service families who haven't seen each other in over a year.


*Funny, Prince Harry was caught doing his duty.

Take this Sandbag, Or I'll Shoot

YANGON (Reuters) - Desperate survivors of Cyclone Nargis headed out of Myanmar's Irrawaddy delta in search of food, water and medicine, but aid workers said on Sunday that thousands will die if emergency supplies don't get through soon.

Hmm...Hundreds of thousands of lives are dependent on aid efforts after a hurricane wipes out of miles of coastland... Sounds like another FEMA fiasco to me.

But wait! Shawn W Crispin, Asia Times Online's Southeast Asia Editor, thinks U.S. intervention is just what's needed. FORCEFUL intervention, no less! Read his take on the situation here.

This time, it is almost sure-fire that Myanmar's desperate population would warmly welcome a US-led humanitarian intervention, considering that its own government is now withholding emergency supplies. Like his father then, Bush is now clearly focused on his presidential legacy, which to date will be judged harshly due to his government's controversial pre-emptive military policies, waged until now exclusively in the name of fighting global terror.

Clean water at the point of a sword? We've done worse.

Soooooooo Sorry!

Once again, I'm making excuses for not posting regularly. Unfortunately a sad tragedy took us out of state for a funeral, and I haven't been able to sit down and type. Also, I really need to find a way to support myself without that pesky ten-hour-a day time sucker known as a "Job". Other goals include following a better diet and losing some weight. So tell me - what are you not accomplishing with your life?

You Go, Gill

This is disgusting!!! A massive fish hunt is underway to try and kill the 16ft. Great White suspected of killing a swimmer off the coast of California. Swim, swim little shark! Go to Australia! Cuba! Just get away!!

Authorities now are convinced the shark that attacked Martin was a 15- to 16-foot great white because of the marks it left on Martin's legs.

Witch hunt is more like it... there's no way they are going to find the right shark, and even if they did:

A) There's no proof it would ever attack a human again (which is why the entire person is never consumed, the shark is looking for seal, and humans aren't as fatty and thus tasty as a seal)

B) It wouldn't stop any further attacks, as there are other sharks out there

C) After a few days, the human remains would no longer be in the shark's digestive system, making positive identification impossible.

Some species, such as the great white and mako, ensure food is dealt with quickly by having a body that is warmer than the surrounding seawater and a warm stomach. A Mako, therefore, is able to digest a meal within one or two days, whereas other hunters, such as the blue shark, take an average of three days to digest a similar quantity of food.

Have none of these people seen Jaws?

California authorities closed 17 miles of San Diego County beach during the weekend as they searched for the shark.

Sorry, Police Chief Brody, we can't close the beaches on a holiday weekend! Imagine the lost tourist dollars.

It's just going to be a circus of slaughter, with innocent sharks as the losers. Does no one watch the Discovery Channel? Sharks do not acquire a taste for human flesh. Sharks do not hunt man as prey. Sharks are endangered!! People are taking a bath in their living room and then complaining about the hospitality.

For stupid media accounts, click here and see Barbara Walters make unfunny jokes about sharks and the family of the deceased's devotion to the ocean.
NOT REAL! JUST A MOVIE, PEOPLE!

Cue Music

Although I am saddened by the death of a retired veterinarian training for a triathlon off the coast of Southern California, I must admit to being somewhat heartened by the thought of a 17-foot Great White Shark. These magnificent creatures have been hunted to near-extinction, and a fish of this size is unusual today.

The shark was likely an adult female about 12 feet to 17 feet (3.7 meters to 5.7 meters) long, and probably mistook Martin for a seal, Rosenblatt said.
``We think it's mistaken identity,'' Rosenblatt said. ``The white shark hunting method is be down relatively close to the bottom and looking for silhouettes and then coming up to attack the seal. A human swimmer is not too unlike a seal.''

Read a full account of the accident here.

and of course there's those that disregard the Shark Advisory...

There were surfers Saturday who would not be discouraged. Several dozen paddled out at Swami's, the well-known break north of Solana Beach.

and my favorite:

A friend offered a novel take: "A bear kills a guy at Big Bear, a shark kills a guy at Solana Beach, both in the same week," said Glen Forest, 45, a carpenter. "There's a strange vibe out there."

Like maybe Nature is fed up?

and this -

On Saturday, only a hardy few Southern California paddleboarders ignored signs warning that the great white shark could still be in the area.

"It's like going to see 'Jaws' -- getting in the water the next day, all you could think about was the music," said Bob Rief, 63, who was teaching a friend how to stand up on a paddleboard. "But if you're afraid of the ocean, you shouldn't be in it."

Farther north, Orange and Los Angeles county beaches were packed with people Saturday and lifeguards were more concerned with crowds and riptides than sharks.

"The most dangerous part of the day, if you're going to the beach, is getting on the freeway to come here," said Garth Canning, section chief of the Los Angeles County Fire Department Lifeguard Division.

Noooo!!!

My great hope for another Triple Crown winner has been sidelined indefinitely with an injury!
No War Pass? Now what?

War Pass to miss Kentucky Derby with leg injury
The Associated Press
LOUISVILLE, Ky. --One-time Kentucky Derby favorite War Pass will miss next month's Run for the Roses because of a leg injury likely to sideline the colt for a few months.
Trainer Nick Zito said Saturday that X-rays revealed a small fracture in the left front ankle of last year's champion 2-year-old.

How Not To Work Out

Could I make this up? Not likely.

I'm minding my own business at the health club (read: cringing internally over having to interact with The Public) when I become involved in the episode of What Not To Wear being broadcast over one of the three TVs at the front of the room. Since I don't have a radio to tune into the sound portion, I just read the closed-captioning while plugging along on the treadmill.

Soon I'm so invested in the plight of the single mom who loves loud pants and socks with cutesy themes* that I decide I'm going to stay on the treadmill until they all fill up and the only polite thing to do is get off so someone else can have a turn. Fortunately for me, that moment never comes and I spend the entire hour walking and reading, two of my favorite pass times.

Somewhere towards the second half of the show this woman comes in and picks an exercise bike directly beneath the TV set I'm watching. One glance at her and I'm looking at the buttons on my treadmill in the hopes that one will summon the producers of the show for an emergency intervention. The closest I can find is Emergency Stop, but I know that will just turn my treadmill off. It won't erase the hideous image before me from my retinas.

The woman was about mid-thirties. She had on a white tank top, and it was not the type you would wear to a health club... it was lacy with lingerie straps, and form-fitting. Showed off that huge midriff bulge quite nicely - a perfect little spare tire, that when viewed from behind as I was doing, looked like the inner tube worn by a toddler to the kiddie pool. Beneath was a non-sporty bra, complete with gold metal hardware accents.

Denim shorts were the next thing I noticed. Not short-short cutoffs, but not health club material, either. The only 'appropriate' piece of gear was her grey and pink athletic shoes. But it was hard to notice them, as most of my attention fell on the chocolate-brown knee-high socks she was pedaling away with.

Could someone please open an expensive, exclusive, proper attire required health club near my home PLEASE?

*Apparently, there's quite a few things that need to be purged from my closet as well.

A-Banda-Blog

No, this is not an abandoned blog. Between being thoroughly disillusioned with the planet and the strange weather we've been having, this is my first attempt to sit down and sort it all out.

I just saw a recent survey where 50% of people reported having problems sleeping. Insomnia? Not me. I have no problems falling asleep. It's the 'getting up' I object to... What is there to get out of bed for in the morning? A crumbling ecosystem? Further decent of the U.S. to a fourth-world nation? Record high gas prices? Runaway food inflation? Rice shortages? Violence? Overpopulation? Unemployment? High Speed Internet that is only high in price, not speed?

Despite all this malaise, I do owe my loyal readers some interesting insights. So I promise to return and make a sincere effort to post more regularly. I have some great stories to tell, so let's get started, shall we?

Don't Take a Pass!

War Pass

Archaeologists Unearth 35,000-Year-Old-Tools

SYDNEY, Australia - Tools dating back at least 35,000 years have been unearthed in a rock shelter in Australia's remote northwest, making it one of the oldest archaeological finds in that part of the country, archaeologists said Monday.


Scientists have yet to determine if they were borrowed and never returned...

Of course you'll get it back... it's a boomerang...

Hope Springs Ephemeral

After a perfectly lovely weekend during which both the car and dog were washed, we are now plunged back into a cold, dreary, windy slog of a week with no warm up on the horizon.


Maybe May.

Blind Editors?

As "Not Yet Published", it outrages me when I see articles like this pointing out the spate of bogus memoirs now littering the market.

The fake memoir wave continues. In Tuesday’s Times, Motoko Rich reports that contrary to the premise of her new memoir, “Love and Consequences,” Margaret B. Jones is not half-white, half-native American and was not raised as a foster child by a black family in South-Central L.A. Her real name’s Margaret Seltzer and she’s from Sherman Oaks. (Click here for Rich’s Wednesday follow-up, and here for today’s
story on how Seltzer apparently fabricated a charitable foundation.)

This follows on the case of Misha Defonseca, who fessed up last week not to have been raised by wolves in the forests of Europe during the Holocaust — a story Blake
Eskin untangled in Slate here and my colleague Greg Cowles blogged about below. Two years ago, it emerged that J.T. Leroy, the celebrated author of the gritty novels “Sarah” and “The Heart is Deceitful Above All Things,” was not in fact a gay, truck-stop prostitute from West Virginia, but rather the assumed identity of a San Francisco writer named Laura Albert.

Hellloooo? What part of 'raised by wolves' failed to raise a red flag during the editing process? Did the author present an affadivt from Professor Remus Lupin?

Hand me a rough draft and an internet connection, and I could have prevented these fiascos and more. What is wrong with this Make a Buck mentallity? I suspect the root lies in TV theory: If the other channel is doing it, we should be too! Memoirs selling? Buy more! Fiction not so much? Make them Memoirs!!

Yes, I think these authors are ill and seeking attention. Perhaps they are accomplished actors as well. But properly classifying literature is a burden that falls beneath the job of a professional publishing house. Sure, authors can be quirky, prima donnas, or mentally unstable. That doesn't mean their writing lacks merit. or their story needs to remain untold. Buying a book classified as non-fiction, however, implies basic fact-checking was performed on the manuscript.

I don't want an innacurate history book. I might love a fictious accounting of the Lincoln assination. I certainly don't care to confuse the two.

I think it is telling that after Frey was exposed, he claimed to have shopped his book as fiction at one point. The further lies of a man squirming beneath scrutiny? Or an actual anecdote about the sad state of publishing today?

The fact is, publishers edit most books and lawyer some — but they rarely ever fact-check. It’s seen as too time- and cost-consuming. The average magazine article is fact-checked far more rigorously than the average book.

As for me? I don't have a life. But I promise not make one up and try to pass it off as real.

At Least it Wasn't a Shooting

Friends and family are remembering Charlton Heston, who diedlast (Saturday) night at his home in Beverly Hills, California, his wife at his side.


Might I suggest a certain Michigander to succeed him?

Snape Headquarters!

Check out the awesome website Illuminated Dungeon Windows for all things Harry Potter and Snape!

You may recall this site as enjoying my Potter post, and as an excellent information source on the impending Lexicon trial. But the reason I visit again and again? Why, the photos of Alan Rickman, of course!!

Fell in love with him as Sheriff Shaggme...


Swooned over Sense and Sensibility...

and shuddered over Snape!

Brake-ing News

Fiendish Fiat tries to Finalize Funnyman?

East Hampton's police chief yesterday praised comedian Jerry Seinfeld for avoiding a potential collision by managing to stop his 1967 Fiat when the brakes failed.Thanks to Seinfeld's quick response, police said, the car flipped over Saturday night before it could shoot out of a side street and plow across Montauk Highway."He avoided a catastrophic event," Chief Todd Sarris said, calling Seinfeld a hero. "I can't imagine the damage had that vehicle gone into the intersection."

Seinfeld, 53, who was being followed - possibly by his publicist - as he was taking a test drive in his new car, was on Skinhampton Road approaching Montauk Highway when he realized the brakes were not working, police said.Seinfeld immediately downshifted, pulled up the parking brake, and turned the wheel sharply to the right, Sarris said. The car went into a skid, flipped over at least once and ended up on its side. The comedian was wearing both a lap belt and chest restraint, and did not appear to be injured.

Because I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do," Seinfeld said. "It is not something I plan to make a habit of."

I'm very glad Jerry is OK. No word yet on final arrangements for the car. In fact, there's a bit of debate regarding exactly what model Fiat it was...

No Comment

LANSING, Mich.—A woman stole a boa constrictor from a pet store by slipping the snake down her pants, the owner said. The animal was stolen Thursday afternoon from Preuss Animal House in Lansing.
more stories like this

"I am far less concerned for the person than for the snake," owner Rick Preuss said. The 20-inch snake was worth $174.

Why Do I Even Get Out of Bed in the Morning?

Let's see.... It's April and I'm still driving around with snow tires on my car. Which is a good thing, since IT'S STILL SNOWING!!

Then this disheartening news from the worst administration ever when it comes to protecting wildlife:

FORT IRWIN, Calif. - Scientists have begun moving the Mojave Desert's flagship species, the desert tortoise, to make room for tank training at the Army's Fort Irwin despite protests by some conservationists.

And a few angry bloggers...

The controversial project, billed as the largest desert tortoise move in California history, involves transferring 770 endangered reptiles from Army land to a dozen public plots overseen by the U.S. Bureau of Land Management.

These are animals that it is illegal to even touch, they are that sensitive.

Fort Irwin has sought to expand its 643,000-acre training site into tortoise territory for two decades. The Army said it needs an extra 131,000 acres to accommodate faster tanks and longer-range weapons used each month to train some 4,000 troops.

Twenty years of chomping at the bit, and then lo and behold! George Bush! Enemy #1 of the planet. How handy. Oh, and why are we training troops domestically? Why invade foreign soil if you can't put it to use?

Desert tortoises are the longest-living reptiles in the Southwest with a potential life span of 100 years and can weigh up to 15 pounds. Their population has been threatened in recent years by urbanization, disease and predators including the raven.

That's so Raven...

Weeks before the relocation, two conservation groups threatened to sue Fort Irwin. The Center for Biological Diversity and Desert Survivors contend that the land set aside for the desert tortoises is too close to an interstate highway and is plagued with off-road vehicles and illegal dumping that would disturb the animals.

But let's face it, that would be spitting into the wind.

The groups served Fort Irwin with a 60-day notice of intent to sue and plan to file the lawsuit after the desert tortoises have been moved.

"There's still a lot of work that needs to be done to make the relocation site more habitable ... so the animals would survive better there," said Ileene Anderson, a staff biologist with the Center for Biological Diversity.

Fort Irwin lawyers and federal wildlife officials determined the claims were unfounded and decided to go ahead with the $8.5 million project. The process began last weekend and will last two weeks. The tortoises, including about 67 babies, are being moved into habitats approved by the U.S. Geological Survey and other experts.

George Bush's lawyers and people whose paychecks he signs capitulated last weekend...
And not one of the baby turtles will live to see 100, I can guarantee it.

"The translocation of tortoises is a very complex process," Fort Irwin spokesman John Wagstaffe said in a recent interview. "You have to move them gently and make sure they don't get stressed during the move."

I'm stressed just reading this. What are they feeling?

About a year before the transfer, biologists tagged desert tortoises living in the proposed training expansion area with radio transmitters and took blood tests to make sure they were healthy.

Scientists have a short window to relocate the animals, which recently awakened from winter hibernation and will return to their burrows in the summer.

Last weekend, a group equipped with receivers scanned the desert for signs of the tagged tortoises, placed them in plastic containers and hauled them to their new home. They were given water and released.

Not stressful at all. Just as Stacy Peterson how comfy that blue barrel was...

Scientists will continue to monitor the relocated tortoises for signs of stress.

But will be unable to report these signs, as they are being paid by the government and are not allowed to use terms like 'extinction' or 'big mistake'. Other banned themes include anything that may contradict the Biblical explanation of creation.

Research studies show relocated tortoises typically spend the first year roaming. Over time, they settle down and survive as well as tortoises that stayed put, said Roy Averill-Murray, desert tortoise recovery coordinator with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service in Reno, Nev.

Roaming, grieving, disoriented, confused, miserable, whatever.

"We're plopping them down in a new area that they're not familiar with so they spend the first year or so learning their surroundings and where the good burrow sites are," Averill-Murray said Thursday.

Averill-Murray helped plan the Fort Irwin project, but is not involved in the actual move.

How Many Tax Dollars Went for this Hearing?

WASHINGTON — Top executives of the country's five biggest oil companies said Tuesday they know record fuel prices are hurting people, but they argued it's not their fault and their huge profits are in line with other industries.

Try - "but they just don't care..."
It's not our fault we have all the oil...how could we say no to Daddy's help? Why, that would be un-Bush-like.
"in line with other industries" that exploit child labor, indentured servitude and environmental ruin

Appearing before a House committee, the executives were pressed to explain why they should continue to get billions of dollars in tax breaks when they made $123 billion last year and motorists are paying record gasoline prices at the pump.

Pressed as in 'asked a polite questions in a non-binding forum by a bunch of people up for reelection that also depend on the oil industry for their jobs'

"On April Fools' Day, the biggest joke of all is being played on American families by Big Oil," said Rep. Edward Markey (D-Mass.).

Who then went on to do absolutely nothing about it for his constituents.

"Our earnings, although high in absolute terms, need to be viewed in the context of the scale and cyclical, long-term nature of our industry as well as the huge investment requirements," said J.S. Simon, senior vice president of Exxon Mobil Corp., which made a record $40 billion last year. "We depend on high earnings during the up cycle to sustain … investment over the long term, including the down cycles," he continued.

This explains why the industry is so well-prepared for natural disasters like Katrina and are so state-of-the art that they pollute less now than twenty years ago. Yeah, that's it.

Several lawmakers noted the rising price of gasoline at the pump, now averaging $3.29 a gallon amid talk of $4 a gallon this summer."I heard what you are hearing. Americans are very worried about the rising price of energy," said John Hofmeister, president of Shell Oil Co., echoing remarks by the other four executives including representatives of BP America Inc., Chevron Corp. and ConocoPhillips.

If by "echoing", you mean "winking knowingly at..."

While Democrats hammered the executives for their profits and demanded they do more to develop alternative energy sources, Republican lawmakers called for opening more areas for drilling to boost domestic production of oil and gas.

Wow! Who could have predicted that? Nostradumbass?

Rep. James Sensenbrenner of Wisconsin, the committee's ranking Republican, asked what would bring lower prices.

My vote is "Riots at the capitol rotunda in Madison"

"We need access to all kinds of energy supply," replied Robert Malone, chairman of BP America, adding that 85 percent of U.S. coastal waters are off limits to drilling. But Markey wanted to know why the companies aren't investing more in energy projects other than oil and gas or giving up some tax breaks so the money could be directed to promote renewable fuels and conservation and take pressure off oil and gas supplies.

We haven't bought all those up yet, that's why. As soon as we can patent the sun and own the wind, we're good to go, he guffawed...

"Why is Exxon Mobil resisting the renewable revolution," asked Markey, noting that the other companies together have invested $3.5 billion in solar, wind and biodiesel projects. Exxon is spending $100 million on research into climate change* at Stanford University, replied Simon, but current alternative energy technologies "just do not have an appreciable impact" in addressing "the challenge we're trying to meet."

*How it is so Chevron's fault

As the three-hour House hearing came to a close, the price of oil settled at just over $100 a barrel.

The three hour transcript can be summed up as, "Because we have the oil, and you don't! Nyah, nyah, nyah!"

Markey challenged the executives to pledge to invest 10 percent of their profits to develop renewable energy and give up $18 billion in tax breaks over 10 years so money could be funneled to support other energy and conservation.They responded that their companies already are spending on alternative energy projects and argued that new taxes could lead to even higher prices.

Oh, yes. Tax breaks for oil companies posting record profits. Heck of an idea, Brownie. I'm sure there's some Bush progeny out there to run for office well into the 3000s...

Dying by Degrees

Now our cheery weather people inform me that we are on track to have gone the longest ever between seventy degree days. Tidbits like that just make my day.

In like a lion, out like a lion...

Lamb? What lamb?

Bow to Me, Retail Giant

CINCINNATI - Associated Press
Terry Lundgren, the top executive of Macy's Inc., received compensation valued at $14.4 million in 2007, an 11 percent decrease from the previous year, as the retailer continues to struggle with its acquisition of May Department Stores Co.

Ok, so getting an 11% pay cut isn't fun for anybody - but when that painful slice takes you down to a mere 14.4 million? Waa-waa-waa. Have to drive the Maybach for a second year, you poor darling! Would you like to see the view from down here, buddy? Where gas is $4 a gallon?

Sales at the Cincinnati-based retailer have disappointed, especially in some markets where the Macy's name replaced local favorites when it bought May in 2005. As the economy faltered, its 2007 earnings fell 10 percent.

Could that market be... Chicago?? Yes, yes, it could!!! Guess standing on a street corner with a Keep it Fields sign works, eh, Terry? I know I haven't set foot in the State Street store since your callous disregard for a Chicago institution!!

Lundgren received more base pay in 2007, with a salary of $1.49 million, up 7 percent from $1.38 million in 2006, according to the company's proxy statement filed Tuesday with the Securities and Exchange Commission.

So let me get this straight - his performance sucks, but his base pay goes up? So that's what I'm doing wrong at work!! I knew it had to be something.

But he received nothing from the company's 2007 incentive plan, which is linked to performance.

Cry me a river. Try taking my damn coupons, Lundgren! I went to your shitty store and found nothing but exceptions!! Oh, your coupon isn't good on makeup or perfume. Sorry, that's our store brand, coupon no good on that. It's already a value. Well if you VALUED my business, you'd have been way damn nicer to me and my consumer dollars.

In 2006, Lundgren received about $2.7 million through the plan.

Lundgren had $290,945 in perks such as $95,699 for air travel, $86,956 for a car and driver, $52,019 in merchandise discounts and $15,575 for financial counseling.
His stock and option awards for the year were valued at $12.6 million on the dates they were awarded.

Sob! Having to fly commercial! Poor baby didn't get a private corporate jet. However do you expect him to get his job done if he has to sit on a plastic chair like the rest of us flying cattle class? Merchandise Discounts? For what? Like his house isn't filled with 'free samples' from manufactures begging him to carry their lines? Financial Counseling? So he can feel less guilty about making 7 million times more than the hourly cashier at his stores? Yeah, it feels good to talk that out.

His total pay fell from $16.2 million in 2006, according to a calculation by The Associated Press.
The AP's total pay calculations include executives' salary, bonus, incentives, perks and the estimated value of stock options and awards granted during the year. The calculations may vary from the totals in the summary compensation table of proxy statements filed with the SEC.
Lundgren, 55, has been chairman of the board since January 2004 and president and chief executive since February 2003.


Macy's compensation committee compares his compensation with a group of major retailers and vendors including J.C. Penney Co., Target, Wal-Mart and Nordstrom Inc. and with large national consumer products companies including Procter & Gamble Co., General Mills Inc. and Coca-Cola Co.

All noted for the CEO making over 132 times the pay per year of an hourly worker... yep, I'd say that's comparable.

Macy's shares rose $1.61, up 7 percent, to $24.67 in trading Tuesday. Shares have traded between $20.94 and $46.52 the past year.


There's a rumor afoot I really want those black pants I tried on your Woodfield store. I do, but not for $80. Try tempting me with half off, and YOU BETTER HAVE MY SIZE!! It's an Extra-Short Sarcastic.

The company operates more than 850 department stores in 45 states, the District of Columbia, Guam and Puerto Rico under the names of Macy's and Bloomingdale's. The company also operates macys.com, bloomingdales.com and Bloomingdale's By Mail.

Hmm. But no Marshall Field's. Interesting.

Wish I'd Said That

It was hard for Satan alone to mislead the whole world, so he appointed priests and prostitutes in different locations.

Sebastian Horsley