Sunday, April 27, 2008

How Not To Work Out

Could I make this up? Not likely.

I'm minding my own business at the health club (read: cringing internally over having to interact with The Public) when I become involved in the episode of What Not To Wear being broadcast over one of the three TVs at the front of the room. Since I don't have a radio to tune into the sound portion, I just read the closed-captioning while plugging along on the treadmill.

Soon I'm so invested in the plight of the single mom who loves loud pants and socks with cutesy themes* that I decide I'm going to stay on the treadmill until they all fill up and the only polite thing to do is get off so someone else can have a turn. Fortunately for me, that moment never comes and I spend the entire hour walking and reading, two of my favorite pass times.

Somewhere towards the second half of the show this woman comes in and picks an exercise bike directly beneath the TV set I'm watching. One glance at her and I'm looking at the buttons on my treadmill in the hopes that one will summon the producers of the show for an emergency intervention. The closest I can find is Emergency Stop, but I know that will just turn my treadmill off. It won't erase the hideous image before me from my retinas.

The woman was about mid-thirties. She had on a white tank top, and it was not the type you would wear to a health club... it was lacy with lingerie straps, and form-fitting. Showed off that huge midriff bulge quite nicely - a perfect little spare tire, that when viewed from behind as I was doing, looked like the inner tube worn by a toddler to the kiddie pool. Beneath was a non-sporty bra, complete with gold metal hardware accents.

Denim shorts were the next thing I noticed. Not short-short cutoffs, but not health club material, either. The only 'appropriate' piece of gear was her grey and pink athletic shoes. But it was hard to notice them, as most of my attention fell on the chocolate-brown knee-high socks she was pedaling away with.

Could someone please open an expensive, exclusive, proper attire required health club near my home PLEASE?

*Apparently, there's quite a few things that need to be purged from my closet as well.

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