Goodbye 2007 and Good Riddance

This is where I’m supposed to say how did the year fly by?…

At least that’s how every one of the seventeen Christmas Letters I received this season started. Maybe for people who aren’t locked in a life-and-death struggle with their electronic equipment the year flew by; but when you’re on hold, time creeps at an agonizing pace to the tune of Kula Lumpar’s Top Forty.

While all my friends were out organizing a breast cancer walk, sending their baby off to first grade/college, and had spouses inducted to the bowling hall of fame, I was slaving over a dial-up connection to bring my much-needed opinion to the masses. Who by and large, didn’t appreciate a darn bit of it.

I got so depressed I called the LifeLine hotline, and as usual, found myself in a phone queue somewhere in downtown Islamabad. I told the heavily accented operator that I was feeling suicidal, hopeless and depressed. He became very excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Just once I want my photo to appear on the cover of a tabloid magazine above the caption “Dangerously Thin”. Is that really too much to ask? The only eating disorder I’ll ever have to deny is gluttony.

While everyone else gushes about how Junior is on the honor roll, varsity team and otherwise the embodiment of Eddie Haskel, I’m getting sarcastic text messages from my cat: 2na Agn? Our dimwitted dog has yet to learn to avoid skunks, and has used up all my baking soda and patience.

Not once in 2007 was I the subject of a DesPlaines River search or the victim of a tiger attack. However, Al did fall off a ladder while hanging holiday lights. Fortunately, we have a one story house and he was not seriously injured. (I still think the cat pushed him).

A Hollywood writer’s strike has ground TV show productions to a halt, only further emphasizing how sorely the world needs my comedic skills.

Here’s to a better 2008! It won’t take much.