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Unbelievablog

Ok, here’s the words you never thought you’d hear me utter: “I really agreed with everything in President Bush’s speech tonight.”

I know, I know. It was just a cheap ploy to get the Republicans back in the game, but, hey, go ahead and waste my tax dollars on securing our borders. We spend billions fortifying 38th parallel, so it’s about time we did something over here. Wonder if ‘old Vincente will have a scathing rebuttal. Or if the next terrorist attack will come from Mexico.

Either way, I’m dreading the next presidential election. I fear the Democrats will run Hillary, and there’s a decision I really don’t want to face in the booth. I have no problems voting for third (or seventeenth) party candidates, but the corrupt Bush machine is stealing too many elections. Jeb thinks he’s next and I beg to differ.

I was kind of surprised to see Bush going after English as the official language. Despite my knee-jerk reaction of agreeing immigrants should learn and use English, (my ancestors did, thank you) I have read some provocative essays arguing that countries who try to enforce one language fare poorly and we should not let that issue guide us.

I certainly see how my substandard language skills hold me back in life (If I was any good in my native tongue, I would have had a publishing contract by now, eh?) and think our schools should teach other languages. Like Arabic. Once we secure that southern border, we should concentrate on teaching useful languages, ones we may need when invading other countries. Or ones that plain old hate us. I took German in high school. Figured two world wars were enough of a deciding factor for me. When was Spain or Mexico going to assert global dominance? Pretty stupid of me not to see that coming. What an idiot.

Ah, Yes. So Many News Stories, So Little Time.

Revenge of the Reptiles

Seems Snacky the Alligator has really acquired a taste for the young ladies of Florida. Now comes news out of Miami that a 23-year-old woman was found dead near Lake George. She seems to have been attacked while snorkeling at a recreation area. Hey, Snacky deserves to vacation too. Alligators may have also played a role in the death of drug-abuser. Couldn't possibly be the drugs.

Gypsies, Priests and Thieves

An area municipality wants to pass an ordinance requiring the fingerprinting and background check of carnival workers. This way they could forbid any worker who has an active arrest warrant, is a known child sex offender, has had a felony in the past five year or is a suspected gang member. Now, far be it from me to suggest carnies are the most wholesome lot, but let’s be realistic. The carnival comes to town once a year. That Catholic Church down the street is operating 365 days a year. Who really needs to be monitored here?

Breaking (me up) News

Front Page headline of the local newspaper: Woman, 83, found slain

Opening sentence: “The slaying of an elderly woman in an upscale Marengo trailer park had neighbors reeling Sunday night with fear and sadness, and police promising extra patrols.”

No one I spoke with could even get to the next paragraph in the story. We were too struck with the oxymoron: Upscale Marengo Trailer Park. The word ‘upscale’ should never be uttered with either Marengo or Trailer Park, and here they all are in the same line.

What makes a trailer park upscale? The tornados call first before touching down? Now living next to Joy and Crabman might be a hoot, but it’s not what I’d call the American Dream. As Mr. Right said, “That’s all you need to know about Marengo. Oh, and they have better schools.”

I see from an on-line update that the suspect was shot dead by police. Hmm. Mighty convenient, wouldn’t you agree? Fox News Chicago reported the man killed was unarmed, but in her car. Stealing a car? Or fleeing a murder scene? Fox says he was from Mexio, married, and lived in the area. Tribune report here.

How unlike ME to suggest a conspiracy theory, but don’t you find it odd that a pattern of suspects in elderly killings end up dead hours after the body is discovered, setting local resident’s mind at ease that it was just a freak occurrence?

I think it was a son. He’s in his 50s and lives with her in the trailer. There was an altercation over the TV clicker. She wanted Wheel of Fortune. He wanted Cops. Things got ugly. (Insert Dragnet theme here) As my buddy Martha observed, “Well that was some Mother’s Day”.


57 Reasons it’s All My Fault

Mr. Right just informed me it’s Ketchup Season. Oh, you don’t recall the great ketchup famine of ‘91? Yep. We ran out. Totally my fault. How unlike me to display such poor shopping skills. Now he hoards those little take-out packets in a cupboard. Once in awhile I toss them out and clean the brown ooze left behind. Yick.

We Needed a Government Grant for This??

A recent report from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration says young rural men who drive pickup trucks don’t wear safety belts. I could have told you that from watching one episode of the Dukes of Hazard.

Positive Denial

Nicole Richie says in a Vanity Fair article this month that she is being treated for ‘possible anorexia’. Nice to know she will be in hard labor when she checks into the hospital for ‘possible pregnancy’.

Just Cooked Your Own Goose

The Chicago Tribune reports today that a proposed .25 percent increase in Cook County Sales Tax would go to help fund zoos and museums in Chicago.

Excuse me? Have you gone to one of these institutions lately? Count on about a $26 entrance fee!!! What do you mean they can’t fund themselves? The places are packed every time I attend.

I just read a wonderful letter to the editor in the Tribune that expressed concern over the loss of a ‘free day’ at the Art Institute. The writer told of how the artwork there inspired her when she was broke and that by taking the art away from struggling young people the world would be poorer place indeed. I agree. What exactly is costing so much?

Membership fees are astronomical. Fundraisers are occurring twice a week. People are standing in quarter-mile lines for two hours to enter on the weekends. What exactly is going on? First off, I’m going to research what these museum directors and officials make as a salary. Is that the problem?

Want more revenue? Make me want to give you money. How about “No Child Thursdays” so I can enjoy your exhibits in silence. I’d pay extra.

Now the Shedd has many costs far and beyond that of feeding their charges, but that can’t be exactly cheap either. Many of their sea life eat shrimp and squid, things you and I can’t afford every day, that’s for sure. So why not charge me twice the cost of chopped fish to feed them? They have just such a program in place, and I want to look into it. You get to play zoo keeper for a day: arrive early, chop dead fish, feed the display animals. Sounds like a blast. Except you know if I’m forking out $200, I want to feed Nickel the sea turtle. Or at least one of those cute little Bonnet Sharks.

Over at the Field they could let me touch Sue. And the Art Institute? Hmm. They could just hand out smocks and tempera paint just like kindergarten and let the public try their hand at creating the next masterpiece. Beats anything done by elephants or monkeys. Or cats.