As mentioned before, I’ve really procrastinated about getting a passport. For, oh, about, 32 years. Since I’ve never gone anywhere or done anything – in short “No Life” – it’s never been an issue. Just an “I really should” and “someday I’ll…”. Yeah. Right. Whatever.
So when all the hoopla of “Now You Really Need One or We Won’t let You Back in from Canada*” came up, I thought I really should get around to it. Sometime. Whenever.
First, I got the forms. Back in December, I think. Went to my local post office and picked them up easily. Found out that the post office in next town over would take the completed application, as would the courthouse. I’m on my way!
Fortunately they were festooned with obnoxious orange headers which made them easy to spot as they spent the next six months moving from ‘to do’ pile to ‘just make a neat stack’ pile to ‘I really need to get to this pile’.
Read forms. Filled out simple questions. Argued with Mr. Right about how Hazel is Light Brown, and his eyes are NOT Light Brown, not even close, just put down Blue, damnit! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!
Shuffle papers.
Applied to get a ‘certified’ copy of my birth certificate. Ranted about how many people can’t prove they are in this country legally, yet my legitimacy is questioned to the tune of $17. Wait another week.
Received proof that I am indeed alive. Lamented fact that there is no fee to pay in order to ‘Get A Life’, as this would be far more useful.
Had Al take my picture. Worried I wouldn’t look ‘innocent’ enough for customs. Worried when photo is flashed on nightly news next to phrase Suspected Al Qaida Operative the girls from High School will say, “Well she certainly has put on some weight!” before getting to: “I always knew she would amount to no good”.
Spent an afternoon discovering there is no way to resize a photo with the crappy software that came with the computer, and figured the next 20 minutes is not the time to try Photoshop out for the first time. Decided that will be my next Procrastination Project.
Wondered if the whole 2” X 2” thing was some plot to keep people from doing their own photos so they could charge $6 for an ugly DMV photo.
Went to appointed post office after work. Big signs greeted me, “Now Open Until 7 p.m.”
Stood in line. Stood. Stood. Wondered why these idiots haven’t learned the joys of on-line bill pay. Stood. Stood. Don’t really care about your kid at college. If he can’t figure out how to pick up his mail, is he really college material? Stood.
“Hi, I’m here for the passport…”
“I’m sorry. We only do passports until 4:30 p.m. Next!!”
Excuse me? Only to 4:30? How did I miss that on your big sign? Oh, wait, IT WASN’T THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole passport scam is working like a charm! Now I WANT to leave the country. Forever!!!! Uncle Sam can let some third world blogger come in and do my complaining for pennies on the dollar. I should have asked for some old Priority Mail Boxes. They look pretty waxy. Just give me a shove towards Cuba, I bet Fidel would love to see me. He wouldn’t ask for no stinkin’ passport…
*You know, NASCAR started due to some moonshiners trying to out run the law. I’ve always thought Mr. Right would be a prime candidate for being a prescription drug runner for old people…
So when all the hoopla of “Now You Really Need One or We Won’t let You Back in from Canada*” came up, I thought I really should get around to it. Sometime. Whenever.
First, I got the forms. Back in December, I think. Went to my local post office and picked them up easily. Found out that the post office in next town over would take the completed application, as would the courthouse. I’m on my way!
Fortunately they were festooned with obnoxious orange headers which made them easy to spot as they spent the next six months moving from ‘to do’ pile to ‘just make a neat stack’ pile to ‘I really need to get to this pile’.
Read forms. Filled out simple questions. Argued with Mr. Right about how Hazel is Light Brown, and his eyes are NOT Light Brown, not even close, just put down Blue, damnit! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!
Shuffle papers.
Applied to get a ‘certified’ copy of my birth certificate. Ranted about how many people can’t prove they are in this country legally, yet my legitimacy is questioned to the tune of $17. Wait another week.
Received proof that I am indeed alive. Lamented fact that there is no fee to pay in order to ‘Get A Life’, as this would be far more useful.
Had Al take my picture. Worried I wouldn’t look ‘innocent’ enough for customs. Worried when photo is flashed on nightly news next to phrase Suspected Al Qaida Operative the girls from High School will say, “Well she certainly has put on some weight!” before getting to: “I always knew she would amount to no good”.
Spent an afternoon discovering there is no way to resize a photo with the crappy software that came with the computer, and figured the next 20 minutes is not the time to try Photoshop out for the first time. Decided that will be my next Procrastination Project.
Wondered if the whole 2” X 2” thing was some plot to keep people from doing their own photos so they could charge $6 for an ugly DMV photo.
Went to appointed post office after work. Big signs greeted me, “Now Open Until 7 p.m.”
Stood in line. Stood. Stood. Wondered why these idiots haven’t learned the joys of on-line bill pay. Stood. Stood. Don’t really care about your kid at college. If he can’t figure out how to pick up his mail, is he really college material? Stood.
“Hi, I’m here for the passport…”
“I’m sorry. We only do passports until 4:30 p.m. Next!!”
Excuse me? Only to 4:30? How did I miss that on your big sign? Oh, wait, IT WASN’T THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole passport scam is working like a charm! Now I WANT to leave the country. Forever!!!! Uncle Sam can let some third world blogger come in and do my complaining for pennies on the dollar. I should have asked for some old Priority Mail Boxes. They look pretty waxy. Just give me a shove towards Cuba, I bet Fidel would love to see me. He wouldn’t ask for no stinkin’ passport…
*You know, NASCAR started due to some moonshiners trying to out run the law. I’ve always thought Mr. Right would be a prime candidate for being a prescription drug runner for old people…
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