Homeland Insecurity

So I’m at work when someone tells me there was a terrorist plot foiled at Cherry Vale Mall. It’s a sizeable two-story mall in Rockford that I frequent to this day. Sometimes I’ll take my Vette in the summer and enjoy the drive over, but now that Marshall Field’s is gone there’s not much incentive left.

For many years Rockford was the second largest city in Illinois. Now it’s Aurora. Everyone keeps telling me about the killer designer outlet mall in Aurora, but I haven’t gone yet. It’s quite a cruise from here, and I’d like Al to go with me so I don’t get lost. Al takes every opportunity to point out all the crime and killings in Aurora in the hopes that I won’t go. This of course, led me to believe that the Cherry Vale incident was manufactured by my husband to keep me from buying shoes. Never!

Just look at these folks to prove I’m not alone!

MENTOR, Ohio -- An electrical fire that filled a
department store with thick smoke didn't deter holiday shoppers, and
firefighters had to block the doors to keep customers from coming in,
authorities said.No one was injured in the fire at Dillards South at Great Lakes
Mall on Wednesday, but some bargain hunters were inconvenienced."It was
amazing," said Mentor fire Battalion Chief Joe Busher. "Even though there was
heavy smoke in there, they all wanted to stay and shop. We even had to put
people at the door to keep people from coming in."

I can just see myself demanding entrance: “But my 30% off coupon expires TODAY!!” At the very least, I’d go back the next day for the fire sale… “Oooh! Smoky grey pumps, half off! *Hack* A little smelly, but still…*Cough, Cough*”

What of the growing evidence that shopping is a biological impulse designed to keep me alive? Just look what Janet Cromley of the LA Times has to say:

Most are on a mission that can only be described as
primal, say behavior experts and mental health professionals. In the truest
sense, they are bringing home the bacon – whatever it takes – and in the process
they are reinforcing a sense of personal mastery in their skillful procurement
of coveted items. When they’re successful, the feeling is similar to the triumph
of a hunter bringing home the kill, even if the kill is actually a TMX
Elmo.

and...

Regardless of what brings them to the sales, nearly all the shoppers share
one characteristic: Like tigers on the hunt, they are tracking down and pouncing
on something of perceived value. In doing so, they are relying on an instinct as
old as mankind.In this case, the prey is a sale item. And, as savvy shoppers
know, sale items are more precious than retail items, both at home and on the
savanna.

Al thinks he’s so great bagging trophy bucks. I’ll show him! I demand equal time. I want a framed receipt hung in the living room to prove my prowess in bargain-hunting. Why, just the other day I got this great deal on the Pirates of the Caribbean 2 movie on DVD. The special edition is usually $24.95, but my local Meijer’s store had it for $19.99. Then they added this spectacular deal where they would give you a Stouffer’s pizza bread ($3.59) and 14 oz Holiday M&Ms ($2.34) FREE with purchase! If you also bought two Rayovac packages of batteries ($2.19 each for AA) you also got $4 off the DVD!! THEN I saw a sign on the batteries that said buy two and get $2 off gas at their gas station!!! Bingo!! I hit the DVD lottery!! Whee! That’s better than standing in a tree for three hours in subzero weather hoping to get a shot at something a hundred yards away. Then shooting my house.

Anyhoo, after suspecting Mr. Right was behind the terror reports I decided to call my parents. They weren’t home. Sometimes they shop there! Oh my God! What if they went to the mall? And don’t know my size?

Yeah, that’s about how worried I was about jihad.

However, Rockford’s other mall, Machesney Park, (1979) looks as if it has already befallen a grenade attack. Just two weeks ago I was in the area and stopped in. I saw a JC Penney outlet on one end and a Bergner’s on the other. I parked near the Bergner’s and went to look for a few Christmas gifts. I also thought it might be a good time to get a makeover at the Lancôme counter as well.

The store can only be described as icky. The merchandise looked old, and only a few shoppers were milling about. Creeped out, I decided to walk down to the JC Penney outlet. This is a long one-story mall with brick pavers making a little red brick road down various wings. The place was practically dark. Almost every store was gone, locked and boarded up. At one time this mall housed 70 stores. Now there are three and a garage sale. I saw one place down a corridor that looked like they bought the stuff TJ Maxx couldn’t sell. I overheard one young sales clerk telling another how to go on welfare and get your furnished apartment paid for. Lovely. I moved on.

There was a GNC vitamin store being pulled down by some workmen, but other than that, silence. The cinema wing was black. What had once been fountains and planters were now stark and bare. My heels made loud clicky noises against the floor and suddenly the distance between stores seemed immense. A man sat in a metal folding chair running a garage sale outside of a store front. A torn cardboard sign hand-lettered in permanent marker advertised 2 for $10 by some junk. He and his merchandise were well past their expiration dates. I kept clicking.

At Penney’s, I asked a young gal if they had Petites. Yes, she replied. I stood there. She kept shuffling hangars. “Are they just mixed in?” I finally asked. Yes, she replied. Well, with customer service like that, no wonder this mall is booming. I selected a pair of ninety-nine cent socks and went to a register. I asked what the deal was with the death mall. The girl said she has heard conflicting stories. One is, they will tear the mall down. She said Penney’s owns their space, so she didn’t know how that would work. I imagined a large translucent sheet of plastic being stapled to the former mall inlet and they would just tell her to wear a sweater at that register. She also had heard they were going to bring in discount stores. Like dollar stores? She named some store I had never heard of, but again, I thought of TJ Maxx rejects.

I wandered back to Bergner’s with a death grip on my purse. The other people here cannot be shopping, they must be looking to hold the place up. From the looks of it, they would get more by grabbing my purse.

An elderly couple was ahead of me, lamenting the fact the mall was not decorated for Christmas. Hello? Have you folks not noticed there’s a big problem here?

Of course it’s decorated – for a Tim Burton movie. Just ahead I saw a woman use a drinking fountain. Wait! I wanted to scream. You have no idea what will come out of that faucet! She seemed to survive the incident and continued on ahead.

How sad. I loved this place as a teenager. It was a big deal to go to the mall on a Saturday and shop. At the time it was bright and vibrant. Now, I couldn’t wait to go home and sterilize my new socks.

Which… I haven’t been able to do yet because MAYTAG SUCKS!!!!