Conspirablog

Material Witness - Silenced!

Who was threatened in O’Conner’s family? Couldn’t she hold on for three more years?

More on this conspiracy theory as it develops. Wait, wait, it’s developing...

Today’s Conspiracy Theory:

Right-Wing Fundamentalist Faction’s Plot to Abolish Abortion #4,234 (for those keeping count)

Meeting clandestinely in Illinois’ second largest city, a group of fundamentalists led by Randall “Duke” Cunningham take action to hasten their cause of abolishing abortion and prohibiting flag burning. A plot is hatched to pressure Justice Sandra Day O’Conner into retirement during the Bush administration by threatening her family members. During the meeting, a small dog is noticed in the yard beneath the window. Fearing he would alert his media-member owner, the dog is chased home and killed. (Duke is heard saying, “I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too.”) A fire is set to cover the crime. Group members Jim and Alice proceed with plot to kill brother John, as he was advocating carrying Preven at all outlets. This would hurt their empire, as a flood of poor, unwanted, low-self-esteem workers and shoppers could only benefit the 2030 sales projections.

More as the plot continues to unfold…

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Headlines


We’re Number One! Rise in Chicago Sales Tax – highest in nation! See if I ever shop or rent a hotel room there again. Have to pay for the flowers planted all over Migs Field, eh?

Antidepressants Linked to Suicide – what next? Aspirin found to cause headaches?

Taste of Chicago Shooting Suspect Surrenders – thank goodness he isn’t implicated in selling sparklers to children or anything.

Chances of being attacked by shark 11 million to one – are they considering land locked Midwesterners like myself, or is this counting only those who set foot in an ocean?

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Mr. Right-Of-Way is busy planning another driving vacation. I suggested rollerblading the Lake Woebegon Trail in Minnesota and he went to their website. It had a little map and list of attractions, etc. He slowly slid the cursor towards the part that said “Hospitals”. Great. I’ve been reduced to touring emergency rooms of the Midwest for thrills. Oooh! Look honey, we can skate from the Greater Minnesota Urgent Care Center to the St. Cloud Trauma Unit! And if you really wipe out, Mayo Clinic is less than an hour and a half away! So I’m a little clutzy. What’s a major holiday without a few stitches? Maybe I can get a little tag for my skate that has my blood type on it.