It's So Wrong to Like this Song (But I Do)

Right now, he's probably slow dancin' with a bleach blonde tramp and she's probably gettin frisky

Right now he's probably byin' her some fruity little drink cause she can't shoot whiskey

Right now he's probably up behind her with a pool stick showin' her how to shoot a combo

And He don't know... I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up four wheel drive

Carved my name into his leather seats I took a Louisville Slugger to both headlights

Slashed a hole in all four tires

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.

Help Wanted

Healthy, Disciplined, Self-Motivated team player with 20-20 vision sought for exciting job opportunity. Risk-taking a must. Heavy travel required, frequent flyer miles not accumulated.
Those whose idea of pushing the envelope is a post office job need not apply!

Low, Low, Cure Rates, Everyday!

Ah, the evil genius that is Wal-Mart.

Foiled (temporarily) in their attempt to enslave the 90% of Americans it counts as customers by branching into the banking business, Wal-Mart just announced plans to expand the number of health clinics it operates.

Hmmm...this only has my best interests at heart, right? Or should I say only interested in my best heart as in a "spare part" for Sam, kept in suspended animation in amniotic fluid somewhere in the bomb shelter several stories below the Bentonville store?

How handy. A clinic to tell their employees no need for a sick day. To push certain high-margin drugs. To become another cog in the Medicaid/Medicare wheel. To be the 'low bidder' on Public Assistance care.

H2 O, Oh, I'm Hoping....

Astronomers announced yesterday that they have found the most Earth-like planet yet outside of our solar system, with a climate that could support water and life.

"This one is the first one that is at the same time probably rocky, with water, and in a zone close to the star [a sun] where the water could exist in liquid form," said Stephane Udry of the Geneva Observatory in Switzerland.

"We have estimated that the mean temperature of this super-Earth lies between 0 and 40 degrees Celsius [32 to 104 degrees F]," Udry said.

As my loyal readers know, I've been seeking that off-the-beaten-Milky-Way-get-a-way for some time now, and perhaps the lovely Gliese 581c is it!

581c? Is it a non-prophet planet? I hope so. Fundamentalism is just one of the many fun Earth customs I'm fleeing from. 20 light years away? No problem. I've been meaning to catch up on my reading.

I saw an astronomer on CNN quip something along the lines of, "if there was life on this planet, we would have heard from them by now". What? Get real. If it's intellegent life, they're hoping to duck behind their star before we can contact THEM.

Do you blame them?

More Math...

HOBOKEN, N.J. (AP) — He's a veteran of long-distance sailing voyages in all kinds of weather. She's never sailed outside the Hudson River.

But together, 55-year-old Reid Stowe and his 23-year-old girlfriend, Soanya Ahmad, embarked Saturday on a voyage that they intend to take them three times around the globe and last 1,000 days and nights — non-stop, with no port calls for supplies or a walk on solid ground.

They set sail Saturday afternoon aboard his 70-foot, two-masted schooner, named the Schooner Anne, from a Hudson River marina in North Hoboken, in bright sunshine and temperatures in the 70s.

"This will be my first time sailing ever — except for up and down the Hudson River," said Ahmad, the New York-raised daughter of immigrants from Guyana.

"I haven't gotten seasick — so far," she said with a grin.

She may be tested when the yacht rounds South America's Cape Horn, an area infamous for waves as high as 100 feet, as well as icebergs.

OK, third graders, get out your pencils!
55 yr. old + (tons of money X 70 ft. Yacht) = 23 yr. old girlfriend

Here's their blog: http://1000daysatsea.blogspot.com/

Numbers in the News!

Seventeen consecutive days without an appliance uprising!

Too Beautiful To Blog!

Sorry, but it's much to nice to sit inside and type.

(Unlike some people, I can't do it in the yard)

Very busy today; shampooed the carpets, the dog, the cat, and the Acura. Yes, I bathe my cat. I'm a clean freak. I make Mr. Monk look like a slob, OK?

Polished the Acura and the summer wheels are on! I'll try to post later this week, as rain is predicted. Started taking water aerobic classes again, now that the weather is nice, so perhaps I'll be busier during the week than I expect.

Indy seems pretty perky, but far from cured. I remain optimistic for his recovery. Turtles are awake and I'm offering them food, but not many takers yet.

Just read Happy Birthday or Whatever by Annie Choi. Funny! Although I couldn't take her parents, she obviously writes about them with affection. A-

Awww...poor little gal

At the right you will see a new widget for the Great Turtle Race!

Each turtle can be added to your blog as a sidebar icon, and I'm assuming that counts as "a friend" that has selected to support that turtle.

I am my turtle's only friend!

That sneaky Stephanie Colburtle (in honor of Stephen Colbert) has 36 already!

Revenge of the Auto Abused!!

TOKYO: The mayor of Nagasaki was shot and killed Tuesday night in a brazen attack by a gangster who was apparently enraged that the city had refused to compensate him after his car was damaged at a public works construction site, the police said.

The mayor, Iccho Ito, 61, was shot twice in the back at point-blank range outside a train station said Rumi Tsujimoto, a Nagasaki police official.

(the shooter) Shiroo reportedly clashed with Nagasaki city officials in 2003 after his car was damaged when he drove into a hole at a public works site. He tried unsuccessfully to get compensation from the city after his insurance company refused to pay up, according to Japanese broadcaster NHK.

I haven't been able to document exactly what (or should I say which, the guy's a billionaire) car he was avenging, but I do feel his pain. I found this excellent article about the cars of the Yakuza!

Do take a moment to read about status trends and safety considerations of mob bosses. Very fascinating! The article seems to suggest Shiroo may have been taking vengeance for an American-made Cadillac. How quaint! Much better than a Toyota Camry.

Quick Look at the News

It’s taken me so long to go through the day’s headlines; I don’t have time to blog at all!

Or perhaps I’m just too disgusted to type. Whatever.

Here’s a few quick highlights:

“New Development to Feature 1,400 homes on 1,100 Acres”

The name? “Wildflowers of Prairie Grove”. I’m sure all those homeless wildflowers appreciate it. Oh, wait they can just uproot. They can keep the prairie Buffalo company in heaven. Guess I should be thanking my lucky stars it wasn’t 2200 homes on 500 acres, right? Yeah, I’m such a half-full type. Half full of poison, that is.

“Water Authority and Tax Go Down the Drain”

Thank you, 5,211 people who recognized the need for clean water and controlled growth, and hats off to the 4,622 who were willing to help pay for it. As for the other 18 thousand or so of you…See you in Hell. Oh, wait, we’re there already, thanks to all of your development and careless pollution. Never mind. You win.

“Gunman Left Clues to Violence in His Writings”

Professor Carolyn Rude is quoted as saying Virginia gunman Co Seung-Hui’s writing was so disturbing that he had been referred to the University’s counseling service.
Hmmmm…. How did Stephen King ever graduate?

“Cheney: Threat of Nuclear attack in U.S. city ‘Very Real’”

This is the only ‘statistic’ the man has ever cited that I believe. Sadly, the only reason is: Dick Cheney. Threat of Dubya ever pronouncing nuclear correctly? Nil.

To Flush or Not to Flush – That is the Question

Or: Why Didn’t I Just Self-Medicate on the Web?

I feel so awful! Poor little Indy the fish has been suffering since Easter, and I’m such an idiot!

One morning, Indy couldn’t rise to the top of his bowl. He lay on the bottom, gasping for air, looking pathetic. I tapped on the glass, and he made a mighty effort to come to the top and beg for food. Poor little guy. They only live about three years, so let’s just say I was a bit hesitant to visit a veterinary fish specialist. I decided to wait.

Amazingly enough, he didn’t die. But was he in pain? How to tell? He still had an appetite, and didn’t kick off. So, I guess I’ll just wait. And wait I did.

I knew just enough to determine he was experiencing a swim bladder problem. I figured it occurred when I transferred him to a clean bowl of water. Perhaps being in the net caused distress? Too much air?

Unfortunately, I didn’t think to consult Web MD. I mean, if Maytag Sucks can fix your appliance, why didn’t I Google “Defective Fish from Siam” or something?

In the meantime, I bought another Betta. Nice light red shade, active. Either Indy would appreciate a friend, or die of a broken heart when he saw his ‘replacement’. Oh, like you haven’t wondered if the Mormons have the right idea about bringing home a second (or third) spouse to shape up the first one a little.

So with their little globes next to each other, the two fish seemed to coexist happily. Daytona set about making a little bubble nest at the top of his water line, hoping to convince a female betta that the sluggish Indy would make a poor mate. After a day or so, he quit. It was so obvious there was NO competition on the horizon.

Indy hung in there, but was unable to predict any of our freak mid-April snowstorms. Still had a hearty appetite, so I figured it was best to keep his routine the same and hope for some miracle recovery.

Tonight, for some strange reason, I decided to Google “swim bladder pet fish” and came across this entry.

Well now, I’ve been doing everything wrong! And help was just a click away! Can’t wait until I’m diagnosed with a brain tumor. Bet there’s all kinds of handy home remedies online!! I’m going to take the advice above and I’ll keep you posted. I hope it’s not too late to save Indy!

Note: I feed a varied diet, but it does include pellets, and Ms. Fields notes that some fish are just more susceptible, especially older ones.

Awesome website!

Join the fun! Pick a turtle! Track her progress! Donate to help stop development!

www.greatturtlerace.com

Stop Blaming Sharks!

Sydney - An Australian teenager was lucky to be alive on Sunday after she survived being mauled by a massive sea lion while surfing.

Ella Murphy was attacked by the creature, thought to weigh about 300kg, as she stood on a surfboard being towed behind a boat on Saturday.

The animal was close to charging the 13-year-old girl a second time as she floundered in the water off the coast of the small town of Lancelin in Western Australia when she was rescued by the driver of the boat, Chris Thomas."You can only describe it as like a white pointer (shark) jumping out of the water," he told News Limited newspapers.

"It actually lined her up. It jumped out of the water at her and hit her head-on. It must have been travelling at an enormous speed. It opened its mouth and grabbed her head. It latched on."

Thomas manoeuvred his boat between the sea lion and the girl to prevent a second mauling."It was going back for her, it was looking for her and it spotted her," he said. "I had this horrible feeling I was not going to make it back in time."

Ella, who suffered a broken jaw and lost three teeth in the attack, was in a stable condition at Princess Margaret Hospital late Saturday.

Her mother, Michelle Forbes, said her daughter had a gash under her chin which was "quite close to her carotid artery.""We could have lost her," she said.

Sea lions are a protected species and it is thought that environmental officers will attempt to move it into another area rather than kill it.

Beats a Hook...

TAIPEI, Taiwan — A zoo worker had his forearm reattached yesterday after his colleagues recovered the severed limb from the mouth of a 440-pound Nile crocodile, an official said.

The crocodile severed Chang Po-yu's forearm on Wednesday at the Shaoshan Zoo in the southern city of Kaohsiung when the veterinarian tried to retrieve a tranquilizer dart from the reptile's hide, zoo officials said.

The Liberty Times newspaper said Chang failed to notice the crocodile was not fully anesthetized when he stuck his arm through an iron rail to medicate it.

As Chang was rushed to the hospital on Wednesday, a zoo worker shot two bullets at the crocodile's neck to retrieve the forearm, said Chen Po-tsun, a zoo official.

"The crocodile was unharmed as we didn't find any bullet holes on its hide," Chen said. "It probably was shocked and opened its mouth to let go of the limb."

The 17-year-old reptile is one of a pair of Nile crocodiles kept by the Kaohsiung zoo. The crocodile is listed as an endangered species, and is rapidly disappearing from its native African habitat.

Chen said the zoo purchased the crocodile from a local resident who had kept it as a pet.

Check out video here!

And So it Goes...

1922-2007

"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president."...

What I've Been Reading

Higher Power of Lucky

Good, but not great. I liked the idea of a little girl on a spiritual quest who liked to listen in on twelve-step meetings, but the whole Disney orphan thing was too maudlin. Formulaic, I saw everything coming a mile and a half away, and most ten-year-olds probably could too. Makes me wonder what was pick two and three during the Newberry voting. B-

Edith Head by David Cherichetti

I didn’t care for the writing, and the subject was too much of an enigma to be truly interesting. Short on gossip, as purportedly Head was herself. All I took away was a sense of awe over her work ethic and professionalism, but I was equally saddened to think she never felt good or worthy in her life. Ultimately, the book was a bummer. C.

God is Not Great by Christopher Hitchens

But this book sure is! I give it an A since I totally agree with the author.

Looking for Alaska by John Green
Very good, a great writer and a YA novel of note. I don’t know how I would teach the novel; I mean there are others that get young people’s questions about life/death and the reluctance to live, etc. across better, but a stupendous first novel in authentic voice. A-.

Just Say NO!

Help me out here, folks. I can’t be the only one who thinks bringing the Olympics to Chicago is a bad idea. Patronage will be the only winner. The taxpayer will have a huge burden for years to come, plus ultimately useless buildings, traffic snarls and billions wasted on security. For what? Like who in the international community is even going to come to America by 2016? I’m betting most countries boycott the event to protest our actions. Look at London, their estimate on costs to host 2012 have already tripled! Like we need that. Hello? Terrorists? Over here! Yep. That's all we need: another spoiled politician's son trying to one-up daddy.

I'm having enough problems paying my own gas bill, thank you.

For Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley and insurance titan Patrick Ryan, his
chief lieutenant in this effort—two powerhouses with histories of getting what
they want—the outcome will further sculpt personal legacies already shaped by
bold moves.

"This would very much be a capstone to Daley's administration," Chicago historian Perry Duis said. "It may be the first item in biographical sketches. In other words, 'Richard M. Daley, who brought the Olympics to Chicago.' "

"His status would be greater, in the tradition of the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition, and the 1933 World's Fair," said political scientist and former alderman Dick Simpson. "Symbolically, it would put him in the realm of [Chicago visionary architect] Daniel Burnham and others responsible for those events.

"Whether his place in Chicago history would outshine the legacy of his father, the late Mayor Richard J. Daley, remains to be seen, Simpson said.

Happy Friday the Thirteenth!

Time for Toast!

I'm telling you, the toaster is trying to kill me. Every morning, it pushes the bread up just a little less in the hopes I will get out a fork and try to fish it out, electrocuting myself in the process. Why can't my appliances just wish to fill their designed destinies?

Talkie Toaster

...apparently manufactured by a Taiwanese company named "Crapola Inc."

Addiction is not Pretty

Jelly Belly Raspberry and Blackberry Gumdrops

But it sure is tasty!

Horsin' Around

Stumbled across this post and wanted to share!

What Be Your Nerd Type?

What Be Your Nerd Type? Your Result: Literature Nerd   Does sitting by a nice cozy fire, with a cup of hot tea/chocolate, and a book you can read for hours even when your eyes grow red and dry and you look sort of scary sitting there with your insomniac appearance? Then you fit this category perfectly! You love the power of the written word and it's eloquence; and you may like to read/write poetry or novels. You contribute to the smart people of today's society, however you can probably be overly-critical of works. It's okay. I understand.
Science/Math Nerd
Social Nerd
Drama Nerd
Artistic Nerd
Gamer/Computer Nerd
Anime Nerd
Musician
What Be Your Nerd Type? Quizzes for MySpace

Here's Some Ad Executives Out of a Job...

The Book of GE O-Brok-Us

And it came to pass, in the seventh year of home ownership…


First Plague: Water turned to Sludge – Neptune Washer Breaks

The Warranty told Al and Lisa, “If the Corporation demands that you stay on hold for hours, produce original UPC codes, registration information, obscure receipts and paperwork, do so.” The Corporation, however, was obstinate, and would not listen to them, just as the Internet had foretold.

Decent Business Practices said: Go and present yourself by the overflowing washer, holding in your hand the wax motor that turned into a serpent. Say to the Corporation: “Let my consumers go to your vaults and gain replacement units. But as yet you have not listened.” The Corporation remained obstinate and would not listen to Al and Lisa. All the consumers had to wash clothing by hand, since they could not use the machines.

Seven days passed after disaster had struck the washer. Al had to fix it himself, at his own expense.

Second Plague: Fire From Within – Maytag Dishwasher Recall

The Corporation summoned Al and Lisa and said, “Ok, you got me on the spontaneous combustion thing with the dishwasher. We’re doing a recall on that one. Do me the favor of appointing the time when you are to sit about and wait for my mighty repairman. He won’t arrive at that time, but it’ll give the boys in the boardroom a chuckle to think you took time off of work.”

Third Plague: The Dust Mites – Hoover Windtunnel Fails to Suck

Thereupon Lisa said unto Al, “Take the Hoover out of the closet and strike the dust of the carpet that it may be removed throughout the house.” Al stretched out his hand and with the Hoover struck the dust of the earth, but the carpet remained unmoved. Though the magicians tried to bring forth brushes by their magic arts, they could not. “This is the finger of God.”


Fourth Plague: Darkness of the Microwave – GE Spacesaver dies

Then Al said to Lisa, “Stretch out your hand toward the control panel, over the range there be such darkness that one can feel it.” So Lisa stretched out her hand, and there was dense darkness throughout the kitchen for seven days. Food could not be warmed, nor could they heat water for three days. But all the GE executives had light and cooked food where they dwelt. Rather than pay service for a new magnetron, Al and Lisa sacrificed their wages once again. Taking their livestock to the Big Box Store, another microwave was purchased. “The day you appear before me unfeeling CEOs, you shall die!” cried Lisa “Well said,” said Al.

Fifth Plague: The Death of the Dryer – Neptune Dryer Takes a Tumble

Then the Homeowners told the Corporation, “One more plague will you bring upon our Laundry and upon our pocketbook? After that, the Homeowner will let you depart. In fact, they will not merely let you go; they will drive you away. Never again will we buy a Maytag item, for Maytag Sucks. We will instruct our people that every man is to tell his neighbor that MAYTAG SUCKS. Sell any stock or holdings in Maytag Corporation, for they are truly evil and have a hard heart. They do not listen to the consumers, nor care about quality. Then there shall be loud wailing throughout the Maytag Corporation as such there has never been, nor will ever be again. All these servants of appliance companies shall then come down to my lowly blog. And prostrate before me, they shall beg me, ‘buy our crappy products again.’ And I shall not!


What can I say? I just wanted my 15 minutes of famine. Wish this blight would just Passover.

Moses Parting the Red Tape

Yea, though I type through the Cyber darkness,

I will fear no evil, for thy Google search engine and “Maytag Sucks”

shall comfort me all the days of my Second Life.

Maytag Really, Really, Really Sucks

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Do you lie awake nights worried your household appliances are plotting to kill you? Or at least trying to drive you into the poor house? In a span of less than six months, every major appliance in the house has broken. None of these items is older than seven years. This is not normal. Why me? How have I angered the gods of electromagnetic fields? Must I split an atom to appease them?

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Once again, I have had a weekend ruined by evil appliances. To recap, my top-of-the-line Maytag Neptune washing machine broke after less than seven years of service. The company refuses to recall the product, or even admit there’s a problem despite a mountain of evidence and mold to the contrary.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Then, my Maytag dishwasher was recalled, due to the product causing fires. Hassle city, but repaired.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

My Hoover Windtunnel vacuum has been sucking, but only intermittently, so it’s a lemon too. Saving pennies for a Dyson, but that could take years.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Next, my GE Spacesaver Microwave died. Oh, a quick check on the net confirms only about a billion consumer complaints about the magnetron in this unit, but again – no recall.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Don’t know about you, but a life with out a microwave is a life not worth living, in my book. I don’t even own a teapot. I just heat a little Pyrex of water at a time for tea, love my popcorn, and reheat platefuls of food all the time. I need that appliance!

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

We went to Best Buy (since Circuit City Sucks, but that’s a whole other post) and bought the absolute cheapest over the range model they had; some Goldstar generic that probably leaks radiation, but at this point a brain tumor diagnosis might be the high point of my month.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Al spent Saturday installing it, since every single hole and mounting bracket had to be different, of course. So, while he’s cleaning up Saturday night, I’m checking that load of permanent press laundry that should have been dry by now. Yep. You guessed it. The Maytag dryer no longer dries.

Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

All I have to say is, if I turn up dead, I want you to tell the authorities:

THE TOASTER DID IT!!!
Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks Maytag Sucks

Hoppy Easter!

Snakes In a Search Engine!

Why can't I work here??? Is this like the coolest Bring Your Pet To Work Day ever, or what? (this is not a photo of Kaiser)



'Google search' for missing snake in NYC
By NAHAL TOOSI

This was one search that you couldn't just Google.
An employee's python went missing over the weekend in Google Inc.'s sprawling Manhattan office, sending search teams on an all-out snake hunt. The searchers scoured the complex for the 3-foot-long snake and finally found the serpent, known as Kaiser, on Monday night.

"A snake was lost; it was not an April Fool's joke. It was found last night," Google spokeswoman Ellen West said Tuesday. "The snake has left the building."

She declined to reveal specifics about where in the office Kaiser was discovered. But a contributor to Google's official blog wrote that the staff was told the snake was found "relaxing behind a cabinet." (read blog here)

And although West wouldn't say how the snake made it to the office, she confirmed it belonged to a "Googler" and said the pet was now at its owner's home.

The Google blog contributor, software engineer Dan Bentley, wrote that while some employees laughed about the situation, others stood away from walls and corners and the bathrooms were less crowded.

The fact that someone brought a snake into the building is not completely surprising, given Google's laid-back culture.

Dubbed the "Googleplex," the Manhattan office of the Mountain View, Calif.-based company offers a relaxed workspace, built around a team concept that has people sharing offices and cubicles connected in groups. It also offers free food, massage therapy, yoga classes, and ski trips, according to Google's jobs Web site.

Company officials did not comment on a report that the search for the snake even included a missing snake flier. The Web site Valleywag, a technology gossip Web site based in Silicon Valley, posted a photo of the flier, complete with a photo of the reptile.

The flier described the snake as "non-venomous" and "not dangerous," and responsive to the name "Kaiser," according to the Web site.

Awwwww! A happy ending! Well, except for that guy who brought his pet rat...

Snakes in a Bog on a Dog!

The Higher Power of Very Lucky to be Alive

This poor pup was bitten by the rare Eastern massasauga rattlesnake

(not terribly toxic) but is expected to make a full recovery.

"Whoop is feeling better after spending Friday night hooked up to a IV with antibiotics. Now, he’s taking two antibiotics, a painkiller, and a cream designed to promote skin growth around the bite area....

He never needed anti-venom medication, but Frye said he might need surgery if venom killed too much of the skin around the bite."

On the plus side, he wasn't bitten on the scrotum...

I'm happy the dog is doing well, but is anyone looking after the poor snake? I hope he or she is also healthy and hanging on to the little habitat it has left. We should declare a moratorium on all building and development in the area. Think "North America".

"The species has struggled to survive as these fields have been drained or filled in for farmland or development. Mature females tend to give birth to five or six live young every three to four years. Half the babies usually don’t live through the winter.“The massasauga is more critically endangered than the bald eagle ever was,” Ballard said.

Wish I'd Said That

"Dick Cheney again this week was in the hospital. He was experiencing discomfort in his leg. And the doctor asked Cheney if he stretches. Cheney said, 'Are you kidding? I linked 9/11 with Saddam Hussein.'" --Bill Maher