Monday, September 08, 2008

No Calories, No Conscience

Dear Wait Staff:

As someone who is fully capable of stealing her own weight in Splenda, I'd just like to give you this handy Theft Chart. It's like a Tip Chart, please use it to gauge your effectiveness in delighting your diner.

2 packets missing from table: Great job! You were personable and efficient. If anything went wrong, I'm sure it was beyond your control.

4 packets in my purse: You spent way too much time flirting with the cook. My coffee cup was empty twice.

6 packets AWOL: My order, "Number Six, hold the Onions", was beyond your intellectual capabilities. Please use my tip to enroll in some college credit courses.

Hey, Where's the glass sugar holder for table eight?: I suggest you get off that cell phone and acknowledge my existence.

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