Dear Wait Staff:
As someone who is fully capable of stealing her own weight in Splenda, I'd just like to give you this handy Theft Chart. It's like a Tip Chart, please use it to gauge your effectiveness in delighting your diner.
2 packets missing from table: Great job! You were personable and efficient. If anything went wrong, I'm sure it was beyond your control.
4 packets in my purse: You spent way too much time flirting with the cook. My coffee cup was empty twice.
6 packets AWOL: My order, "Number Six, hold the Onions", was beyond your intellectual capabilities. Please use my tip to enroll in some college credit courses.
Hey, Where's the glass sugar holder for table eight?: I suggest you get off that cell phone and acknowledge my existence.