Speaking of Cheese…

Do you have a strong working knowledge of quantum mechanics? Do you debate string theory over lunch? Is Stephen Hawkings on your speed dial? If so, would you please, please explain the workings of my new Panasonic digital camera to me?? Knowledge of Japanese a plus.

I don’t consider myself technologically inept, but this puppy is complex. I bought it because it had some features I wanted: 10X optical zoom, fast shutter speed, very compact. Oh, and cheaper& more powerful than my first digital camera which cost more four years ago.

Now I’m the type that actually reads the directions. I know, silly me. Just pushing buttons randomly should get you going. And I’m sure it would, but some of the advanced features are so incredible, I’d really like to try them! The 125 page direction booklet is a bit daunting. Not to mention the 40 page supplement describing how to install and use the software needed to put the pictures on your computer. As a result, I have four test pictures and some hundred pages to go before I can even begin to try uploading them. So don’t expect any samples soon.

Seems a roomful of geeks competed to try and come up with the most arcane directions on how to access the 47 menus and define the 33 on-screen icons so they could laugh when most users gave up after ‘insert battery’. I will not grant them the satisfaction of knowing how miserable they have made me. I will pretend to know what an aspect ratio is if it kills me.

There’s a ♥ setting called the Simple Mode. That’s for the losers who just want to point and shoot, but paid for 693 other advanced features. I suppose this is supposed to stand for “it’s so easy I love it!”. It should be a little brain icon instead, to show how little brain power is exerted. I suppose it might be nice if you were handing the camera to a stranger saying, “Could you be a dear and take our picture in front of the Eiffel Tower?” What would be really cool is if a certain pass code were not entered in within an hour the thief who just ran off with your four hundred dollar camera would be left with a scrambled, worthless mess, just like some car stereos.

Let’s see… there’s the time and date stamp. Not to mention the advanced “Displaying the time at the travel destination (World Time)” menu so you can time stamp your photos to Kuala Lumpur Standard Daylight Savings time AND have it say DAY 1 of my vacation… Yep. I’ll use that for sure.

There’s the Optical Image Stabilizer feature with the cute shaky hand icon to help keep your shots focused. (Parkinson’s sufferer’s results may vary)

Zoom, Auto Bracket, Histogram. Back in the day, the Histogram was known as the light meter, and it was a little arrow showing either Light or Dark. Pretty straight forward. A Histogram is this jittery bar graph that goes crazy as you move the camera. Are the bars taller on the left? Under exposed. On the right? Over exposed. Does it look like a bell curve? Bingo! Shoot! Shoot now! Quick!! Before the Eiffel Tower blinks!

Got a real kick out of the Baby 1 and Baby 2 settings. Yep, they’re exactly what you think. You can start a time and date stamp for your newborn so that each photo will have the little tyke’s age on it. Won’t your co-workers be thrilled, Grandma?? (Yes, I’m kicking myself for having bought the camera after the new car…I’ll just have to save it for my next lizard.)

Stumbled across the Self-Portrait feature. Wait a minute, I thought. I just went over how to set the timer on page 43, I can use that to jump into a picture. No, the Self-Portrait setting is for those lonely souls that hold the camera out at arm’s length and snap themselves having great time wishing they had friends to be photographed with. However, Mr. Right noted that feature might just be for people like me who won’t let others touch their cameras. Good point.

Cybil Sheppard Mode. It’s not really called this, but it may as well have been. Technically, it’s known as the Soft Skin Mode. “The camera detects the face or skin area to achieve a smoother appearance of the skin than portrait mode.” Reminds me of the heavy filters used in the TV show Moonlighting. Loved that show! Couldn’t stand how fuzzy Cybil looked. She insisted on heavy camera filters to ‘make her look younger’. If blurry is younger, that is. It was overdone and stupid.

Fireworks Mode. Cool!!! I love fireworks! Can’t wait to try this out.

Snow Mode. Makes snow look its whitest. Yay. No more dingy yellow snow.

Night Scenery Mode. I thought this was called “Forgetting to take the lens cap off”.

Party Mode. Shields lens from puke?

Food Mode. “This mode allows you to take pictures of food with a natural hue without being affected by the ambient light in restaurants, etc.” I’m not making this stuff up!! How could I?? How many restaurant critics are there in Japan anyways? Oh, wait. If I was paying $100 for six ounces of beef, I’d make a scrapbook of it as well. Doesn’t promise to make your Sushi stand out or anything…

Starry Sky Mode. Makes everything look like a Van Gogh painting?

Aerial Photo Mode. Ok, now you’re pulling my leg. What’s the Spy Rating on this camera?

High Sensitivity Mode. Not as exciting as expected. Just a fast shutter speed. I thought perhaps it was for those people who throw their hands up and whine, no, no, don’t take my picture…

Underwater Mode. “Stops pictures from becoming blue underwater.” Finding Nemo’s Pigment! (Marine case not included)

Flip Animation. No. I do not need 20 seconds of stop-action animation from a moving object. That’s what video cams are for.

Now I know what you are thinking. You’re thinking, I’ve seen her vacation photos. They do not include snowy mountaintops, deep sea diving, infinity landscapes or people. Her cars. That’s the only thing she has ever photographed. Since they don’t go out in inclement weather, there’s no need for anything other than ISO 200, and that can be obtained with any $6 disposable camera.

Well, you know what? One of my cars is black, and that can be really tricky to photograph properly, OK?


Hey it's time for bed. I’ll work on the camera some more tomorrow. Well, today, in Malaysia.