We'll Always Have the Toga Party

From the "There's No Justice" file:

Tyco chiefs get at least 8-year terms
By SAMUEL MAULL
The Associated Press

NEW YORK L. Dennis Kozlowski, the former CEO of Tyco International Ltd., and former Tyco finance chief Mark Swartz were sentenced Monday to up to 25 years in prison for stealing hundreds of millions of dollars from the company in a case that outraged the public with its tales of executive greed and excess.

(Whatever happened to public stonings? Twenty five years is not enough, don't get me started on what I think of eight! Is Martha sending them a fruit basket and a few tips on how to handle the bighouse? What about seppuku? Doesn't anyone in this country have any conscience or sense of honor?)

The men, who were immediately ordered into custody, will be eligible for parole after serving eight years and four months.

(What? That wasn't worth the cost of a trial!)

Family members wept in the gallery as the sentences were imposed.

(Into their mink-trimmed silk handkerchiefs as they wondered how they will make the payments on the diamond-encrusted toilet seats that match the $6K shower curtain)

Kozlowski was led out of the front of the courtroom in handcuffs as his wife quietly sobbed from a bench three rows back.

State Supreme Court Justice Michael Obus ordered Kozlowski and Swartz to pay $134 million in restitution. In addition, Kozlowski was fined $70 million, Swartz $35 million.
The sentences capped a case that exposed the executives' extravagant lifestyle after they pilfered about $600 million from the company, including a $2 million toga birthday party for Kozlowski's wife on a Mediterranean island and an $18 million Manhattan apartment with a $6,000 shower curtain.

(Talk about Bed, Bath and Beyond...)

Kozlowski, 58, and Swartz, 44, were convicted in June after a four-month trial on 22 counts of grand larceny, falsifying business records, securities fraud and conspiracy. It was their second trial; the first ended in mistrial.

(Not every juror could be bought or killed before that decision)

Kozlowski and Swartz are the latest executives sentenced to prison in a wave of white-collar scandals that shook corporate America after thousands of people lost their jobs and pensions, including one-time WorldCom Chairman Bernard Ebbers and Adelphia Communications Corp. founder John Rigas.

(The exact people who should be issued rocks...)

At Monday's hearing, Assistant District Attorney Owen Heimer asked the judge to impose the maximum 15 to 30 years, saying Kozlowski "should not be shown any leniency." "He stole. He committed fraud. He committed perjury," Heimer said.

(Anything less than Ol' Sparky is showing leniency.)

But Kozlowski asked the judge to be as "lenient as possible" and to consider "all the positive things I have done in my life."

(Like give some stolen money to a pet charity?)

Swartz also asked forleniency, and his lawyer, Charles A. Stillman, said he was a man of "remarkable decency."

(Excuse me? Did the definition of decency change since I looked last?)

Kozlowski and Swartz were accused of giving themselves more than $150 million in illegal bonuses and forgiving loans to themselves, besides manipulating the company's stock price.

(So they do know Martha...)

The jury deliberated 11 days before returning 22 guilty verdicts out of 23 counts for each defendant. Each was acquitted of a count of falsifying records about company loans for homes in Boca Raton, Fla.

(Jurors refused to comment on the ruling, citing the need to catch a plane to Florida to check out their new digs...)

Kozlowski, employed by Tyco from 1975 until 2002, and Swartz, who joined Tyco in 1991 and left in 2002, testified that they never stole anything from Tyco or received anything from the company to which they were not entitled.

(I deserve a Mediterranean island party from my employer too)

They were also quick to point out that unlike the cases at WorldCom and Enron, Tyco continued to thrive after the scandal.

(Whew! Well that makes it ok)

"Tyco is not Enron," Thomas Curran, a former New York City prosecutor who is now a defense lawyer, said last week. "Tyco is a real company with a real business plan that still employs thousands of people. ... There are no retirees eating cat food because of Dennis Kozlowski."

(Except for that weird guy from shipping...)

Tyco, which has about 250,000 employees and $40 billion in annual revenue, makes electronics and medical supplies and owns the ADT home security business.

(I feel safer just knowing that. I'm sure no funds were diverted from their Frst Response alarm systems. Especially in the New Orleans area.)

Nominally based in Bermuda, its operations headquarters are in West Windsor, N.J.

(See? They only took the offshore money that wasn't being taxed anyways. What's the harm in that?)