Monday, August 04, 2008

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Gitanamo

So the other day Kane Citizen takes me to task when he sees me dropping a Macy’s bill into the corner mailbox – as well he should, since I had sworn to never shop Macy’s since their hostile takeover of Chicago icon Marshall Field’s.

It just goes to show my integrity is for sale – for about 40% off. It’s a slippery slope. One second you’re vowing to never patronize a particular establishment, the next you’re Vice President of the United States:

Commanding Officer: Private! I want you to grab the prisoner in cell three and torture him until he reveals the enemy’s secret plans!

Me: Absolutely not. That would violate the Geneva Convention.

Commanding Officer: Liberty is at stake! The enemy hates our freedoms!!

Me: All the more reason to respect the prisoner’s human rights.

Commanding Officer: You get right in there, private, or you’re looking at a court marshal!

Me: A person under torture will only say whatever stops the pain…

Commanding Officer: You think you’re so tough private? You think I can’t break you? Do you see what I’m holding, soldier? It’s a coupon. A FIFTY PERCENT OFF COUPON…

Me: (Lip quivering) N-n-n-o! It’s wr-wrong.

Commanding Officer: For the Designer Shoe Warehouse…

Me: (blubbering) I can’t!

Commanding Officer: Did I mention it can be used in conjunction with this week’s Buy One, Get One Free promotion?

Prisoner: Ow!

But they go with my uniform!

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