Key Too

The next morning I checked to see if my eyebrows were plucked (as that was the only view in the mirror) and tried to shave my legs standing on one foot. It’s nice to travel with another woman for a change of pace; we were so meticulous about hair and makeup, packing neatly and reviewing the sights we wanted to check out that day. And did I mention we left the hotel at the pre-agreed time? Yep. This sure isn’t a Mr. Right extravaganza.

It was a tad cold for my taste but we wandered the grounds, checking out all of the fiberglass circus animals strewn between the cottages. Breakfast was a dirty coffee pot of mystery sludge with a pitcher of watered down orange liquid on the side. That tepid water wouldn’t have passed as orange juice in Illinois, let alone Florida. Where’s the fresh squeezed goodness? The main entrée was a packet of generic crumb cakes. I tore open the two-pack, noting all of the crumbs had migrated to one side and looked like lemurs trying to leap off the spongy yellow cliff to their death. Upon returning to our room we found a tiny gecko and took photos of it: our first Florida herp of the trip! It wasn’t until a few minutes later that I realized we were in the Gecko Room. Cool. Free Gecko. Where’s the Marlin room?

We decided a real breakfast was in order and stopped at a nearby diner for actual food – that came with a side of grits. Then we proceeded to check out a huge gift shop, another perk of traveling with a girlfriend. Mr. Right would have spent all of 20 seconds accelerating past “Shell World” pretending not to hear my pleas, had he been driving. Louise screeched to a stop and we spent the next two hours browsing two floors of ocean-themed goodies. My lack of a U-Haul was the only thing between my and bankruptcy, but I still managed to overspend the whole trip budget on day one. Didn’t see any sandals, however.

We made our way down the Keys, seeking out the elusive and rare Key Deer. The Key Deer is a distant cousin of the white-tail, much smaller and more trusting than any around us in ‘shotgun season’ land. I did however, wonder if tiny venison loins were extra tender.

There were long stretches of highway and bridges on the way down where speed limits were low and passing not allowed. Oh, Mr. Right would have loved that! Especially the Burma-Shave style signs that said patience is a virtue only three minutes to the next passing zone. Now that taunt alone would have killed him. He’d have to pass just to prove he could. 45? His vehicles don’t idle that low.

Stopping at a visitor’s center, some kooky lady behind the counter told us the deer looked like ‘Dobermans with antlers’, and they could be seen anywhere on the island. They don’t, and they aren’t.

Drove around for awhile and stopped at a little nature viewing spot at the edge of the road. Walking up to the little wooden platform over the wetland, I heard a huge ruckus in the leaves. Muskrat? I asked. Then we saw them: wild iguanas. In the water below were two alligators, about 3 to 5 feet. We also saw a green heron and small anole. Thrilled, we pressed on for the prize: Key Deer in their natural habitat.

Another trail head looked promising, and we hiked the 2/3 mile trail with high hopes. The placards along the way weren’t exactly encouraging. They told of poison trees, rattlesnakes, alligators, and a whole host of other things that could kill you on the way. Not one item, friendly or otherwise, was anywhere near the sign advertising it. Dejected, we arrived back at the car a little tired and in despair of ever seeing a deer.

Driving to the furthest reaches of the island, we were rewarded with a gaper’s block of dumb tourists photographing deer. The tiny deer were practically asking for a ride in Trashy Mom’s SUV while her two sons Dumb and Dumber were chasing the deer around with blades of grass saying they were ‘just feeding them grass’, so all those signs about Don’t Feed the Deer don’t count.

It was pretty obvious why they are almost extinct, with no fear of humans or cars. They were cute, and I took some photos. Unlike the Trashy’s we didn’t harass the animals or call them over to us as there was no need. We left before the deer were abducted or worse, and headed towards that evening’s hotel. After the first night, I was containing my enthusiasm to say the least.

Fortunately, Parmer's Resort, in Little Torch Key was very nice. The rooms were very spacious and clean, the grounds included a dock and pool, not to mention huge cages of colorful tropical birds of every sort between the buildings. The staff was great and we enjoyed an incredible breakfast bar in the mornings. MUCH better for the next two nights.

We enjoyed a nice dinner at a bar and restaurant down the street while watching the Super Bowl. It was the first of forty-seven times that week that I would eat conch (giant snail). This was a chowder, but it tasted too tomato-y and like a stew. I guess I was expecting a cream based soup. Oh, and Key Lime Pie. It’s like city ordnance, they won’t let you finish a meal without it.

Tomorrow: Oars Not Touching the Water