Thursday, January 14, 2010

I Suspect

...The same people who run my health club are secretly running the country.

On the wall of the machine room is taped an invoice showing the shiny new rowing machine in corner cost an ungodly $1228. Excuse me? Is this supposed to make me feel good? My membership dues at work? Wow, look at that investment! Isn't that shiny! I feel healthier already! Whew! Sure glad they didn't spend, oh, say a $1.39 for a bottle of bleach and disinfect any of the existing equipment. Rip out any creepy carpeting and put in tile. Sanitize and paint the lockers. Heck, no, that's just crazy talk. Sparkly new equipment, that's what I'm here for, buddy.

Except... I've been going to this club over a year. I saw the old rowing machine. Dirty. Old. Unattractive. UNUSED. Gathering dust. UNUSED. Neglected. UNUSED.

So let me guess. Some genius decided, hey, let's buy some new equipment. What is the one thing no one is using? The rowing machine? What a great idea! We'll buy a rowing machine because the only reason no one is using that one is because it's so sad. As soon as we put a new one in, there will be a line three deep waiting for it!

Let me tell you, the only reason the line is three deep to use the rowing machine is because all the ellipticals and treadmills have "Out of Order" signs on them! Buying an 8-track tape player is not going to get all the kids to dump their iPods, idiots.

Oh, wait, people want to work on their rowing skills for the Cardboard Cup Regatta? A guy named Noah called with a stern warning about what a few warm days could do to the mountains of snow blocking their parking spaces out front?

Don't get me started on the price! For that, it should come with an Evinrude. Better yet, pick up the paper or go to Craigslist - by February first about ten thousand workout-Christmas gifts should be up for sale cheap.

Really find it hard to believe the suggestion box was stuffed with "Oh, please, a new rowing machine!!!" More like, "Oh, please, a towel I can't see through!"

Did a world-famous rowing athlete bestow a grant or leave money in her will for this windfall? I surfed around to try and find some, and let me tell you, they are household names! I'm surprised Michael Jordan didn't join a crew during his (wink, wink) retirement period from basketball. Yep, that's where the glory is - keeping a small boat from sinking.

Now that my health club executive committee has solved the little speed bump of what to do with twelve hundred dollars, I'm sure they can go right on to ...

health care!!

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