Thursday, April 02, 2009

Club Med(ical attention needed)

Still going to the health club. Still not seeing results!! (I mean one Pixie... that should work off easily, right?)

Attending diligently, despite the fact the place is so germy I think SARS goes there for Spring Break.

For starters, I hate the parking. If I wanted to walk long distances in the cold fresh air I wouldn't be paying you people, now would I?? The parking spaces are too narrow. I'm sick and tired of businesses thinking they can cram in extra parking by making each space teensy weensy. SUV's are huge, people! The 'general public' has no parking skills and even less regard for how wide they swing their car doors.

I go in and request "my" locker. They don't have enough to actually rent them out, it's get issued a key at the door and take potluck. Ew. I got stuck in a moldy creepy corner with a bunch of wet toddlers exactly once before I started getting assertive at check-in. I pointedly ask for a locker on the end so I can cringe away from the hubbub. I take one of their threadbare washcloths they are trying to pass off as "towels" and brace myself for the petri dish that is the women's changing area. Who puts indoor-outdoor carpeting in a locker room? Is that the most unsanitary thing you have ever heard? Forty gallons of chlorine bleach couldn't help this place. Yick.

Wednesdays are Kick Boxing night. Participants are exhorted to punch at their own noses as reflected on the wall of mirrors at the front of the room. Perfect for the self-loathing narcissist like myself!

An announcement is made that the Friday Yoga Class is now moving to 5:30 a.m. Yes, I heard that correctly. Five-Thirty A. M. .... Like how is that relaxing? Am I allowed sleep on a mat Thursday night in the multi-purpose room?? Because that's the only way I'm getting there that early, that's for sure. Namaste must secretly mean "weed out the wimps".

On the way out I noticed a closed-circuit TV behind the desk. Four views of various areas of the club were broadcast simultaneously. "What's that," I ask. "The Klutz Cam? So you can see if someone falls?"

I imagine the call over the loudspeaker now: "Potential Lawsuit on Racquetball Court, Stat!"

It troubles me no cameras are pointing at any thing important. Like my car.

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