Things I am Not Above Trying

From the Chicago Tribune:

10 really bad Christmas songs
—James Oliphant

Ten Holiday Songs Guaranteed to Send Your Family Home Early:

10. "Last Christmas," Wham!"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart," George Michael sadly sings, "and the very next day, you gave it away." This is what the Seinfeld folks call "regifting," although it usually involves something like a label-maker.

9. "Santa Can't Stay," Dwight YoakamThis "Santa" apparently has child-custody issues: "Momma said Santa can't stay," Yoakam sings. "Said she told him that twice yesterday. Then a car just like Dad's pulled out and drove away."

8. "Silver and Gold," Burl IvesThis song from the holiday chestnut "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is nothing less a thinly veiled manifesto by libertarian radical Ives that calls for the U.S. to return to the gold standard.

7. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Band AidYes, I know. Sacrilege. But tell me you don't flip this arch, guilt-inducing holiday downer off the moment it pops up on the radio, especially if you are on your way to the mall.

6. "Merry Christmas from the Family," Robert Earl KeenTroubadour Keen gives us a trailer-trash ode to the holidays. "Send somebody to the Stop 'N Go," he warbles. "We need some celery and a can of fake snow." Poetry.

5. "The Nutcracker Suite," TchaikovskySee this little number as a young boy, as I did, and it risks putting you off of ballet, fairies, soldiers, sugarplums, mice, and, well, nuts.

4. "Santa Baby," MadonnaRun, Santa, run! Before you know it, she'll have the sleigh and the workshop, and you'll be sleeping at the YMCA.

3. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus," John Cougar MellencampHave you seen the diminutive Mellencamp's wife, former supermodel Elaine Irwin? Santa is the least of his worries.

2. "The Christmas Song," Alvin and the Chipmunks Nostalgic for the days when America found comedy in simply speeding up the recording of someone's voice? Ah, such innocence.

1. "Little Drummer Boy," Bing Crosby and David BowieIn the video, still available all over the Internet, Crosby invites a wandering Bowie into his "home." In real life, Crosby probably would have called the cops.

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