O Why Not?

So I tried to donate blood the other day. Let’s face it, that’s the only nice, self-sacrificing thing I would ever do for another human being.

That’s only because:

A) Blood is self-renewing when taken in small amounts
B) It’s relatively painless and not terribly time-consuming
C) It goes to another human only because interspecies blood transfusions don’t work, otherwise I would have insisted mine go to Barbaro the racehorse.

First off, the nurse quizzes me about my weight. Of course, I give her my Driver License weight. You know, the fantasy weight you wished you were at 16 when they first issued you the license. I think my eye color changes more than that first weight figure. As I’ve noted before, they should consider this a real source of revenue down at the DMV. Just put up big signs – Eye Tests, Photos, Weigh Station… then tell people for an additional $20 they’ll put any 3 digit number on you like.

The nurse looks at me with skepticism. Are you sure? Well, uh, maybe ____ (I admit to ten pounds more). Why? She explains they take less blood from lighter people and some aren’t allowed to donate at all. She thought I was too slight? Woo hoo! I will have that juice and cookie, thank you! I think the cutoff was 110 lbs or something. I assure her I’m in no danger of failing the parameters and she proceeds with a finger stick.

So they tell me I’m one lousy point too low in iron to donate! As someone who consumes so much red meat the danger of Mad Cow disease is a greater than anemia, I find this very hard to believe. Finding rust in my blood seemed more likely. Dejected, I shuffle out. The least they could have done was give me an “I Tried to Give” sticker with a little sickle cell cartoon figure on it or something.

Great. Now I’ll have to give money to that creepy bell-ringer in front of the grocery or something.