Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Cheap Snakes On a Plane!

Feelin' lucky punk? Nine-dollar airfare lucky?





For $9, this will NOT be your pilot





This will


Media buzz surrounds the decision by Jet America to offer $9 seats in order to hype their new venture of serving small and mid-size cities.



Now of course, there are a few caveats:


Only the first nine seats go for nine dollars. Fair enough.

$20 extra to book by phone. $10 by Internet. What about snail mail?

Lansing, South Bend and Toledo are only a few of the spectacular getaway locations they serve!

$15 to check a bag. You could pay that anywhere.


I'm guessing there are some other little tidbits the investigative journalists have yet to uncover. Things like, oh, let's see...


A $159.95 Fuel Surcharge?

Nine dollars to get on the plane - nine hundred to get off?

BYOB policy? Bring your own Bungee - doubles as a seat belt, or a way to keep your luggage strapped to the wing. Your choice.

Snacks? Be sure to bring enough to share.


On the plus side, I bet there are some perks this smaller and cheaper airline can offer that the big chains can't. Like...


Snakes on a Plane! Or cats. Yappy dogs. Pet monkeys. Who cares? There are no flight attendants and the pilot is locked behind that silver door, so anything goes.


Want to use your Blackberry in-flight? Go ahead! The fleet is so old, there's no pesky electronic equipment to interfere with on these planes.



In fact, a long scarf and goggles might be a good idea.

Ina Gadda Da-Ida*



Ida like to be rich enough to keep this in my closet for twenty years...




Missing link? Or just a really good public relations firm? All I can say is, I enjoyed the History Channel special and think anything promoting science over Lindsay Lohan's love life is to be embraced.




Read this helpful article for some quick points. Did you catch the Google logo? Cute!






Bottom Line: One of the best fossils ever found, as it is so complete and even shows stomach contents! Let's see how good you look after 47 million years.




*Dr Jorn Hurum of Norway named the fossil after his daughter and pronounces it "E-da"

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Obama's New Dental Plan

Stamping out Terrorisim, One Scowl at a Time

Let me get this straight: I can pursue happiness, I just can't show it...


"Neutral facial expressions" are required at departments of motor vehicles (DMVs) in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia. That means you can't smile, or smile very much. Other states may follow.


The serious poses are urged by DMVs that have installed high-tech software that compares a new license photo with others that have already been shot. When a new photo seems to match an existing one, the software sends alarms that someone may be trying to assume another driver's identity.


In Illinois, photo matching has stopped 6,000 people from getting fraudulent licenses since the technology was launched in 1999, says Beth Langen, the state head of Drivers Services.


Excuse me? Thousands of people get fraudulent licenses in Illinois due to corrupt Governors, not phony photo IDs!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Happy World Turtle Day!


World Turtle Day was initiated in 2000 by the American Tortoise Rescue, a turtle and tortoise rescue organization founded in 1990 in Malibu, California. The group brings attention to turtle conservation issues and highlights ways each of us can help protect these gentle but jeopardized animals.


Click here for the Humane Society's suggestions on how to help:





Hmmmm. I hope no one reports the time I dressed Gamara up as Stegosaurus for Halloween...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Carmageddon!!


Check out Cars on Death Row!


Dodge Viper: Dodge hasn't officially said anything about a possible cancellation, but the Viper is in danger. Newer designs like the Chevrolet Corvette ZR1 and Nissan GT-R nearly equal its performance and offer far more livability. Also troubling is that Dodge has halted production of the Viper and has publicly tried to sell the design rights to other automakers and parts suppliers.

Since When?

...Does a Corvette fail to make an automotive top-ten list, especially one like this? Oh, wait, you have to be CAUGHT to be ticketed...

10 Most Ticketed Cars per U.S. News

1. Hummer H2
People who love the Hummer H2 probably love its bold, imposing looks. Apparently, cops love the H2 because it helps them meet their ticket quotas. Here's a tip: If you have an H2, maybe you shouldn't drive it near then end of the month when traffic cops are scrambling to make their numbers.
2. Scion tC
Seeing the tC on the most-ticketed list makes sense, given its popularity with young people. Its sporty performance, which comes at a price that makes affording tickets easy, probably helps tempt some drivers as well.
3. Scion xB
Like the Scion tC, the xB is aimed at younger drivers. Still, when you look at the xB's less-than-stellar performance, it's safe to assume that all the tickets xB drivers are getting aren't moving violations.
4. Mercedes Benz CLK63 AMG
If you're lucky enough to have a Mercedes AMG -- any AMG -- then a few tickets are worth unleashing this luxurious beast. Besides, if you've got a Mercedes, you can probably afford a few traffic citations.
5. Toyota Solara Coupe
Now, here's a surprise. The fifth most ticketed car is the Toyota Solara Coupe. Essentially a two-door Camry, the Solara isn't known for road-thrashing performance. Maybe Solara drivers just get a lot of parking tickets.
6. Mercedes Benz CLS63 AMG
The CLS63 AMG is another luxury performance car, so it's no shocker to see its drivers among the most ticketed. The question is: With all that power, why aren't more CLS63 AMG drivers outrunning the cops?
7. Scion xA
With the xA taking the seventh spot on the ten most ticketed cars list, Scion completes the traffic-ticket hat trick. Toyota's upstart little brand has only come out with four models over its entire lifespan -- and three of them will likely get you a date in traffic court.
8. Subaru Outback
Subarus have a reputation of being yuppie grocery getters, but the Outback manages to prove that stereotype wrong by being one of the top ten most ticketed cars. Apparently, the Outback is the car of choice for people who need to get to Whole Foods in a hurry, and maybe park illegally once they're there.
9. Audi A4
Audi often finds itself in the shadows of Mercedes and BMW, but not when it comes to getting tickets. The Audi A4 is the ninth most ticketed car in America.
10. Toyota Matrix
The Toyota Matrix is often credited for bringing SUV styling to small cars. Now it can also be credited to bringing insurance rate increases to thousands of its owners.

10 Least Ticketed Cars

1. Jaguar XJ
The Jaguar XJ gives drivers a smooth ride and an opulent interior. As the least- ticketed car in America, it also seems to provide the ability to fly under radar guns. There's a feature they won't tell you about at the dealership.
2. Chevrolet Suburban
Suburban drivers tend to need their large SUVs for hauling people or towing trailers, not breaking land speed records. So it's not surprising to see it on the list of least-ticketed cars.
3. Chevrolet Tahoe
The Tahoe shares some architecture with the Hummer H2, the most-ticketed car in America. Despite the two having similar sizes, the Tahoe manages not to attract as much police attention.
4. Chevrolet Silverado 2500 and 3500
It's no shocker to find Chevrolet's heavy-duty trucks among the least-ticketed vehicles. These trucks are usually bought for their towing ability, not for impromptu drag races.*
5. Buick Park Avenue
While Buick has recently begun to increase the oomph in their cars, the now- discontinued Park Avenue helped solidify the brand's image as cars for the senior set. No wonder Park Avenue drivers tend not to get very many tickets.
6. Mazda6
The largest car in Mazda's line up, the Mazda6 has plenty of the brand's zoom-zoom, yet still manages to be among the least-ticketed cars. If you love driving sporty sedans but can't take seeing any more red and blue lights in your rearview mirror, the Mazda6 may be just the car for you.
7. Buick Rainier
The now-discontinued Buick Rainier is a largely forgettable attempt at a near- luxury SUV. Maybe that forgettable nature keeps cops from noticing when one commits a traffic offense.
8. Oldsmobile Silhouette
Finding a minivan from Oldsmobile on the list of least-ticketed cars isn't surprising. What's surprising is that anyone is still driving a Silhouette.
9. Buick Lucerne
The Buick Lucerne offers a near-luxury experience at an affordable large car price. Being one of the least-ticketed cars means that the Lucerne's affordability continues after it's bought, thanks to fewer fines and lower insurance rates.
10. GMC Sierra 1500
The GMC Sierra is an attractive truck for work or play. With its ability to haul or tow heavy loads, this truck will do anything you ask it to, including avoiding traffic citations.

* I need to show this to Al, who has been ticketed in one. In fact, I was in it once when he tried to hit 100 and the motor really does shut down as you get around 90!! It was weird.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

You Went, Girl!



She did it! I had a whopping $4 bet, which yielded $10.80, but that's OK, I was just betting on her to show support.

Tally for the season:

Derby - $10 bet, $2 refunded = -$8

Preakness-$10 bet, $10.80 won = +.80

Currently down $7.20...

Rachel Alexandra went into the race as the favorite and did not disappoint.

It certainly looked as if she could have been overtaken had the race been longer, so there's only one logical thing to do - enter her in the Belmont. The Belmont has broken more hearts than any other race - just look back at last year's suspicious performance by Big Brown who certainly failed to deliver. I really wanted to see War Emblem win a Triple Crown, but he stumbled out of the gate and never recovered.

What if Rachel Alexandra wins the Belmont? First off, I hope it silences forever the "neigh"-Sayers who think a filly can't compete against the colts. Secondly, it liken her to one of the most magnificent racehorses of all time, Man O' War. Man O' War never competed in the Derby as his owner didn't care for Kentucky or running a 3 yr. old a mile and a quarter that early in the season.

Better yet, imagine for a second that I Want Revenge was healthy enough to come into the Belmont and win? Then we could have all three horses come to Arlington Park for the Million and settle it once and for all. Just my humble suggestion.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

You Go, Girl!

Rachel Alexandra has pulled the (lucky?) 13th post and been declared an early Preakness favorite! All eyes will be on this filly who has so much to prove, and I really hope she annihilates the field, just like in the Oaks. Turns out an owner change is what precipitated the new direction, and I for one am all for it - I'd love to see a stretch run with Mine That Bird, or any other colt that thinks she's a pretender.



A hoof beat away from the track record - listen for Calvin's declaration "She's the best horse I've ever been on".


Filly Could Liven Up Preakness Field

» Links to this article
By Andrew BeyerSpecial to The Washington Post Thursday, May 7, 2009; 8:53 AM

The outlook for the 134th Preakness may have changed radically after prominent owner Jess Jackson announced the purchase of Rachel Alexandra.

The 3-year-old filly dazzled the racing world with her 20 1/4 -length victory in the Kentucky Oaks, and it was arguably a better performance than Mine that Bird delivered when he won the Derby the next day. Rachel Alexandra's veteran trainer Hal Wiggins immediately scotched any speculation that the filly might challenge colts in the Preakness.

But yesterday Jackson's Stonestreet Farm issued a news release saying that the owner had purchased the filly.

"She is fast, strong and durable -- the trait we should be breeding into all future generations of racehorses," Jackson said, adding that he intends to breed Rachel Alexandra to Curlin -- his now-retired champion, the winner of the 2007 Preakness -- when her racing career is over.

However, it is her near-term plans that pique the racing world. Rachel Alexandra was not nominated for the Preakness, but she could be supplemented to the race for a fee of $100,000 -- a pittance to the billionaire Jackson. Not only does he have the money, he may have the will. He never shied from challenges with Curlin. Instead of retiring him at 3, he campaigned the colt as a 4-year-old, racing him in Dubai and trying him on both grass and synthetic surfaces.

He has not yet given any indication of his plans for Rachel Alexandra -- the filly is being transferred today to the barn of trainer Steve Asmussen -- but if she runs at Pimlico on May 16 her presence will inject new excitement into the race. And she would probably be the favorite.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

How to Have a Really Bad Morning

Put stress on yourself to 'leave early' because you drove your gas tank down to vapors and really, really need to get gas BEFORE work.

Take bright red plastic jewelry out of Ziploc baggie to wear moments before leaving. Notice one earring post has popped off. Run about frantically looking for crazy glue. Make sloppy mess gluing earring back together. Wait five seconds. Put earring on. Leave.

Pass first gas station while swearing at OPEC. Drive one mile to next station. Begin having heart palpitations when seeing your 'best best' station is ten cents higher than the last one. Turn around. Go back to station one.

Open little door and cap. Move nozzle near hole. Watch gas come spewing out all over side of car, despite not yet selecting 'high octane'. Panic. Put gas in while searching for napkins in car. Finish pumping gas and run in station yelling, "water, where is the water?". Note employee and customers think you are nuts or possibly on fire. Perhaps both, but they can't be bothered to point. Find sink and wet napkins. Wipe car.

Arrive at work worried the paint will peel off car before you can get home and re-wax it. Push hair out of eyes and realize some of it is now glued to ear and/or earring. Yank.

Wonder if earring removal will require screwdriver or ice....

Time: 7:46 a.m. It's going to be a lonnnnng day....

Wish I'd Thought of This...

Monday, May 11, 2009

Days of our Geta Lives


The soap opera that is Thoroughbred horse racing heats up this week as we near Saturday's Preakness Stakes...


Turns out that the owners of the filly Rachel Alexandra - who turned in a commanding win at the Kentucky Oaks as her owners didn't want to run her in the Derby (where she belonged!) - suddenly want to enter her in the Preakness, despite her lack of advance nomination.


This has caused a panic for several reasons, few of which are legitimate.


Seems there was a sudden flood of entrants (capped at fourteen) specifically designed to keep Rachel Alexandra out, as at this point she would have to put up $100, 000 extra just for consideration as a starter. Some owners commented a filly has no place racing with colts, and cited the Eight Belles tragedy as some sort of proof. So they began nominating other horses from their stables that were eligible - despite the fact that they have never won a race! Insane. Why are they so afraid of her? Are they really worried she'll break a leg in front of their horse and cause an accident? Or are they fearful of her speed? Why would they want Borel on Mine That Bird again?


Adding to the drama is the fact that Mine That Bird's super-jockey Calvin Borel would never have been on Mine That Bird had Rachel Alexandra raced in the Derby - he would have been on Rachel Alexandra. He's previously gone on record promising to ride her in every race and feels she is the superior pick!



Borel has already agreed to ride Rachel Alexandra for the rest of the
year. The duo are unbeaten in five starts since he took over as her jockey last
fall, including a 20 1/4-length win in the Oaks on May 1.
Allen said Mike Smith, who won the 2005 Kentucky Derby with Giacomo, will ride Mine That Bird if Borel is on Rachel Alexandra.
"That's a pretty good backup plan," he said with a laugh. "We're not crying in our beer right now."


Whew!


Fortunately, Al was able to fix the dishwasher with a $10 switch. Once again we have clean dishes. I was fully prepared to serve everything on Tortillas and coffee filters, if need be, as I despise hand-washing dishes.


I'll get even with you yet, Maytag.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

We have actual appliance failure folks, just as predicted!!!!

This is too much.

Click on the links below under I'm Seeing a Pattern Here, "Maytag Sucks". You'll see (by waving your mouse over the white text that appeared when this blog was green, long ago) that in March of 2007 our Maytag Dishwasher was recalled.

I guess the insurance lawsuits from thousands of house fires put a little pressure on them to admit they knowingly make and ship dangerous crap and never fess up. So a repair man replaced a switch. Guess what went out? A switch.

When Al opened the unit up you could see repair guy forgot to replace a screw. Whether that had anything to do with the switch malfunction, I am unable to prove, but this is ridiculous. I'm sick and tired of appliance uprisings (see my take on the appliance breakdowns of Biblical proportions here.) and vow revenge on the Maytag Corporation and all its evil issue.

Maytag Sucks!!!!

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Wonderful Weekend

Some people adopt a village in Africa.

Some people find a vaccine for Polio.

Some people volunteer with youths at risk.

And some people buy black cars.

Yep. The time it took me to clean the interior, wash, polish, and wax my RSX S type today was quite significant, yet so worth it. Nothing like being able to see yourself in a plastic bumper.

Speaking of plastic, there are two new cracks in my car that weren't there the last time I washed. I don't know if the harsh winter had something to do with it, but a piece of plastic on the door handle has a crack and the little spoiler on the back has one too. I probably have several cancerous moles on my body that I've never noticed, but I can show you the location of every ding on any car I own.

The next nice weekend? I can look forward to doing it all again for the Vette...

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Never Saw It Coming


And neither did any of the jockeys or horses in this afternoon's Kentucky Derby!


As the owners and trainer noted, this breathtaking win owes much to jockey Calvin Borel's incredible skill. Still, all that talent would have went unrecognized if he didn't have so much horse under him. Be sure to catch a replay of the race, it defies simple description.


My pick, I Want Revenge, was scratched. Really can't think of a better name for a horse that might appear at the Preakness though, can you?


Baffert did very well with Pioneerof the Nile, but the shocking upset was wonderful racing drama.


Price of Mine That Bird - $9,500 - Winner


Price of Desert Party - $2.1 million - finished fourteenth


Look on the face of whomever made the decision to geld Mine That Bird - Priceless!


Derby Picks!


My bets are as follows:


$2 on #13 I Want Revenge to win...


$2 on #18 Nowhere to Hide


$2 Exacta on #15 Dunkirk & #20 Flying Private


$2 Exacta Box on #2 Musket Man & #6 Freisian Fire

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

No, this isn't another post decrying the quality and workmanship of Maytag products.

(But Maytag STILL Sucks).

It's a screed on how the first day of May is apparently the moment OPEC turns its 40 Billionth dollar of profit for the calendar year - and stays on track to double that figure each month for the next four months - gas prices jumped thirty cents!!

This is an outrage. I drove around to four stations before finding nauseating-but-I-think-I-can-keep-last-night's-dinner-down prices at the shiny new station that for some reason always has pump software problems. This joint is pretty new, but their pumps are never working. Today, it was merely a sign that said you can't buy a car wash at the pump. I can deal with that. There have been plenty of please pay inside days, we can't give you a receipt at the pump days and plain old gas isn't even pumping days. But, they do have among the best prices I can find, so I suffer through it. Also, this is the joint I discovered gives a free 16 oz. coffee with fill-up. Flavored coffee.

So at these prices, I figure they owe me a Styrofoam cup and the two Splendas I slipped in my purse. As I'm pumping, a '67 red Corvette** convertible with side pipes goes by, just to make me feel even more inadequate. Angrily, I stuff a plastic straw into my Styrofoam cup of steaming Hazelnut Cream Joe.

Go ahead carcinogenic chemicals released from the plastic. Make my day!*

Slurp! Ahhh... nothing tastes as good as FREE.

*All this fury from a woman who just left an hour and half long Yoga class. Imagine how stressed I'd be without it.
**Just in case you're not into cars, this is like the Holy Grail of automobiles.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Actual Conversation at the Getalife Household

The scene: darkened living room, lit by glow of an obnoxiously sized hi-def TV. AL lies sprawled on couch, box of tissue and meticulously completed (in black ink, no smudges or hash marks) Sudoku by his side.

Me: How are you?

Al: I don't feel well.

Me: Do you have flu symptoms?

Al: What are flu symptoms?

Me: (incredulous) You know, fever, chills, aches... Oinking...

Disappointed

Could someone please photoshop this to read 'somewhat infected pig'?
Not just me, but all the news outlets. Seems the Swine Flu outbreak may not be as bad as anticipated. Really now? Did we get all worked up for nothing? So that something much more insidious could sneak past us? What if TV actually reported news of stuff that could kill you based on the likelihood that it would kill you?


Hmmm... let's see now... according to the CDC, this is the chart we would need:


Number of deaths for top ten leading causes of death
Heart disease: 652,091
Cancer: 559,312
Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 143,579
Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 130,933
Accidents (unintentional injuries): 117,809
Diabetes: 75,119
Alzheimer's disease: 71,599
Influenza/Pneumonia: 63,001
Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 43,901
Septicemia: 34,136

Flu is #8, and that's without any mutations. So I'll go with giving it a large chunk of the nightly news. Let's see... murder? Terrorism? Death by Diet Pill? Snakes on a Plane? Not even close to making the list.


After studying this, at least 22 minutes of a 30 minute news program would be about heart disease. (Interspersed with McDonalds commercials) Yawn.

The mutation jumps at midnight, pass it on!

Thursday, April 30, 2009

What Do We Expect From Home Cheapo?

Oh, great, "May is Maytag Month". Does that mean all my appliances will stop working again this month? If by last long, you mean approximately five years, then I guess you could call that long - in fruit fly years or something. Download the Rebate Form? Why not save some time and just download the RECALL form? Oh, wait, Maytags are never recalled. Unless the U.S. Government forces them...

MAYTAG SUCKS MAYTAG SUCKS MAYTAG SUCKS MAYTAG SUCKS MAYTAG SUCKS!!!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Point of Origin?


"Olliver.. It's Pixlie on the phone... something about not having Arnold visit our house anymore or he'll start to fly..."

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Adventures in Shopping

But they were free with purchase!


It's been a real roller-coaster of shopping experiences as of late.



Went the local Evil-Mart just before Easter and had a heaping cart of items. I rolled up to one of the few human checkers and handed my fistful of coupons over and proceeded to dump the merchandise on the sticky conveyor of germistan. I got the stuff loaded in my car and drove all the way home to my garage...where I saw the receipt peeking out of the top bag and decided to read it. Sure enough, checkout bimbo hadn't deducted ANY of my coupons, despite being presented them prior to checkout.



Furious, I jumped back in the car and drove all the way back - about, oh, five miles. Fuming, I stormed up to the checker and asked if she still had my coupons. Amazingly, she did. Was she going to use them herself? I was shocked she didn't slip them in the coupon slot after I left, leaving me little recourse. (Actually, I would have got the manager at that point and demanded the register be opened. Don't cross me over a coupon, bitch.) I frostily told her in no uncertain terms that I didn't enjoy having to drive all the way back and would appreciate it if she could remember them in the future. Went up to the service desk where I was apologized to profusely and handed seven dollars cash.



Steamed, I left a second time to go home and unload the merchandise I never would have bought were it not for a coupon.



Then this Saturday I had a furniture fiasco over at the local Farm & Fleet. Bought a four-piece indoor-outdoor fake wicker furniture set for the lizards, as the old set is starting to break down. Yes, that's right, for the lizards. They sit on them every bit as much as I do and the thought of plastic coating that wipes clean easily was a big plus.



Al goes to the loading dock to get the set while I check out with a few smaller items and meet in front of the store. We go straight home and he begins to unload the furniture. It's not until the packing is removed that we notice the love seat has a bent rear leg that is so distorted the chair won't even sit square on the floor. Never noticed it loading the truck, and it's not bendable. By this time I have the little table and a chair in the lizard room, and it's pretty obvious the color is too dark a brown for the room. Back we go for a refund. Sheesh.



Did much better yesterday. Had tons of coupons to redeem, and did pretty well. Over at Ulta they had a BOGO on Jergen's lotion and I had two $1.00 off coupons. Bought a few other things on Clearance and used my $3.50 coupon for the whole transaction, so I did pretty well.



Headed over to Bed, Bath and Beyond What I'm Willing to pay - only because of the $10 off any purchase $30 or more coupon. Normally they are much too expensive for me, but the thought of getting almost a third off my purchase if I played my cards, er, coupons, right motivated me. I bought a mango slicer for $12.49, a Vegetable-Fresh for the Fridge for $5.75 and a cutting board for $12.75 and qualified! Yay.



But it was Petsmart where I really shone..



The little teenage girl at the check out was so impressed with my purchase. She couldn't get over all my coupons and how I was 'so organized' by laying a coupon on each grouping of items as it came down the belt. Waved my Pet Perks cards for discounts, too.



Bought a bag of Pro Plan and received 4 free Pro Plan cans free. Reg $36.99- on sale for $29.59 ($4.14 for cans)

Busy Bone $2.19, $1 off

Beggin Strips $2.50, $1 off

Kitty treats, BOGO $1.00 each

Kitty treats, two for $1.59 each, $1 coupons for each

Mighty Dog Can, BOGO, 70 cents

Alpo, buy two cans, get one free - bought six, had two coupons, 58 cents each





I had about $11 off in coupons, and ended up paying $41.35 with tax. I think they owe me a free puppy for that transaction! Or at least one of those shelter cats along the south wall...



Mistakes On a Plane!*

Plane photo-op scares NYC workers

People "went into a total panic" said one trader

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he is furious that the federal government flew a presidential Boeing 747 and a fighter jet near ground zero. The incident on Monday caused a brief panic among workers, who said they were not notified in advance.

Bloomberg says the flyover so near the World Trade Center site showed "poor judgment" and was insensitive. He says he is furious that the NYPD and another city agency were notified last week, but did not tell him.


Oh, Great! Right when I'm trying to buy Tamiflu futures, my stock broker goes running through the streets like chicken little. So much for my chance at fortune.


*stolen from the Daily Show. Wish it were mine.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Like What, Craigslist Doesn't Have any Attorney Listings?


BOSTON – The Boston University medical student accused of slaying a 25-year-old masseuse he met on Craigslist owes more than $130,000 in student loans and cannot afford an attorney, according to court papers.

Little No-GTO



Today GM announced it would stop producing new Pontiac models by the end of 2010. This is the end of an era for the once-proud performance brand, but it also leaves a lot of questions for car shoppers and Pontiac owners.






SOB!! I can't handle all this destruction. Sniff. This just really gets my goat. Go ahead. Judge me harshly.






Wettest Spring On Record!

Not rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night will stop us from infecting you...


Whee. We're number one. Wonder if my Corvette floats?

Infectious Thinking

STILL trying to figure out how to make Tamiflu from common household chemicals. You know darn well Rahm isn't going to approve any for me. Or you. He's hoarding it all for his little minions so they can take over the planet before we figure out this was a planned outbreak. To make us forget about the economy.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Eh, Don't Get My Hopes Up





Like my Xenophobia needed any help...

The Spanish flu pandemic, which killed at least 40 million people worldwide in 1918-19, also first struck otherwise healthy young adults.




Does FMLA cover 'cowering inside until most everyone else has died off ', and if so, how many weeks would you estimate that to take?? I have a vegetable garden, some Airborne, and a well.
Now all I need is a bit of Tamiflu, and I may just ride this one out.

Bwha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Cutest Car Ever!


Chrysler LLC is surviving on government loans and has until Thursday to work out a joint venture with Italian automaker Fiat Group SpA.



Who ever thought Fiat would own Chrysler? Where's Lee Iacocca? Bet he sold his stock long ago.

First order of business: Bring back the X 1/9!!!
Former Fiat Owner

Friday, April 24, 2009

Excel-ent Idea


I think I need to make a spreadsheet of my shoes - then I could sort them by color, style, heel height... maybe even a column for last date worn so stock could be rotated properly. Is there a way to put photos in? It does seem to be a choice under 'paste special'.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I Was Hoping for a Cookbook...


Just wanted to elaborate a bit on the book "How to Build a Dinosaur" by Jack Horner. I can't really recommend you rush out and buy the book, parts of it were downright somnifacient, but the central thesis was so intriguing, I really must discuss.


Horner explains the whole conceit of Jurassic Park - finding a mosquito preserved in amber that had dinosaur blood in it from which a whole new dinosaur could be created millions of years later - is a great science fiction story plot, but not necessary. Instead, he suggests efforts towards De-evolution: taking a chicken egg, a bird we know to be closely related to the dinosaur, and reprogramming the egg to grow not a chicken, but a much more primitive creature.


Well, this to me is about the greatest idea since intermittent windshield wipers. I can't wait to get started! Unfortunately, the book did not include do-it-yourself tips or recipes.


Scientists have studied the development of the chicken embryo and can pinpoint the hour in incubation where items like eyes, beaks, or wings are created. By going down to the molecular level of cell development and turning on or off the switches that create a particular appendage, it is possible to grow an arm where a wing would be, or a tail where the spinal cord would normally end. So instead of a modern chicken developing, we could go further back into the evolutionary tree and see... a dinosaur?


Perhaps. No one knows exactly what one looked like. We would have only the fossil record to compare it to, but it's an excellent suggestion and I say full steam ahead! I'd love a little Archaeopteryx or Deinonychus.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day (not really)


Planet: 1


Humans: 6,775,010,849



It's just not fair, and a crappy 'day' a year isn't going to make it any better. I'm sorry Mother Earth. I'd leave if I could, really.


Humans: 6,775,010,849


Habitable Planets in the Universe? At least that. Yay, let's go mess up some other innocent orb, kids!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Just Keeps Getting Worse

The death toll of Polo Ponies has now risen to twenty one, and I really am thinking Conspiracy Theory here folks....

"Because of the very rapid onset of sickness and death, state officials suspect these deaths were a result of an adverse drug reaction or toxicity," Florida's Department of Agriculture said in a statement announcing its investigation.
"At this time there is no evidence that these horses were affected with an infectious or contagious disease," it said. Famous last words before pandemics

The Lechuza Caracas team is owned by millionaire Venezuelan banker Victor Vargas, who has been playing polo since he was 24, according to the North American Polo League's website. Vargas was re-elected president of the Venezuelan Banking Association in April. Hmmmm. How did he piss off Chavez? Made loans to U.S. interests? Seems his fleet was poisoned.

Will F-f-freeze for F-f-fifty Cents


This morning's forecast? Snow.*


But neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night can keep me from free. Or BOGO. Or cents off.


Shivering, I ran from the nice front parking space I scored at the local Dunkin Donuts and dashed inside. "I don't care how cold it is," I declared, shaking out the collar of my shearling jacket.


"I want my fifty cent Iced Coffee," I said, presenting my coupon with a flourish.


The owner laughed while I tossed my head to remove some precipitation from my curls. "Cream and Splenda, with a low-fat muffin," I finished.


Sure, hot coffee would have tasted better. But the Iced offer was only good today. Take that, Mother Nature!!


Then I found out it was FREE last year. I've been clipped!!!


Damn you, Dunkin Donuts. You got me this time. We'll meet again in the coupon pages, mark my words.


*Yeah. April 21st. The Midwest sucks.

Monday, April 20, 2009

The Da Vinci Follow Up


NEW YORK - The book world has a stimulus plan: a new Dan Brown novel.

Six years after the release of his mega-selling "The Da Vinci Code," the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group announced that Brown's "The Lost Symbol,"* a thriller set during a 12-hour period and featuring "Da Vinci Code" symbolist Robert Langdon, will come out in September.

The first printing will be 5 million copies, Knopf Doubleday said, the highest in the publisher's history but well below the opening 10 million-plus print run for the final "Harry Potter" book. "The Da Vinci Code" has sold more than 80 million worldwide and inspired a spin-off community of travel books, diet books, conspiracy books, parodies and religious works. Awfully optimistic in this economy...

By Monday night, "The Lost Symbol" was No. 1 on Barnes & Noble.com and approaching the top 100 on Amazon.com. In a sign of likely price wars to come, both sites were offering discounts of 40 percent and higher for the $28.95 novel. Did anybody READ the other two novels??

Eager for success, but unprepared for obsession, Brown became increasingly reluctant to make public appearances or talk to the media. His reserve was only magnified by a copyright infringement lawsuit that was decided in his favor, but not before Brown was forced to testify in London and prepare an in-depth brief about his career, writing process and the fury he faced when promoting "The Da Vinci Code." I see him enjoying a cigar with Salman Rushdie...

Inspired in part by the commercial fiction of Sidney Sheldon, Brown is an Amherst College graduate who has said he long gave up on the idea of being a literary writer and instead wanted to write novels read by many. No one can accuse this blog of being too literary...


*Plot synopsis: A band of marauding musicians marches on the Vatican seeking the return of relics from Jesus' All-Apostle Orchestra - no, wait, that was the Lost Cymbal...

Wait For It...

Associated Press

WELLINGTON, Fla. - Veterinarians were waiting for test results Monday to find out why at least 14 polo horses fell ill and died in a short time before their match at a Florida tournament.
The horses from the Venezuela-based Lechuza Caracas team were being unloaded from their trailers Sunday afternoon when two of them collapsed and others acted dizzy and disoriented, according to a statement from the International Polo Club Palm Beach.
"They started getting dizzy," polo club spokesman Tim O'Connor told The Palm Beach Post. "They dropped down right onto the grass."
Veterinarians already at the event quickly tried treating the horses, inserting intravenous lines and trying to cool them down with fans and water. Observers hung blue tarps to shield some of the horses from the crowd's view.
Seven of the horses died on the polo club's grounds and the rest died after they were taken elsewhere.
The match in the U.S. Open Polo Championship was postponed and an exhibition game with a substitute team was held in its place.
The carcasses of at least 14 horses were taken to a state agricultural laboratory for necropsies to learn the causes of their deaths.
"It could be the water, hay, bedding. We just don't know. When we find out what it is, we will take all the necessary actions," John A. Wash, the polo club's president of club operations, told the newspaper.
The polo grounds in Wellington, a wealthy equestrian and golfing community in central Palm Beach County, hosts the U.S. Open every year.


Perhaps they died of....Polio??

Oh, admit it, if I didn't say it, you would have. But really, this is horrible. Not to mention the thought that they were on U.S. soil means what ever they had could now be floating around our country... A little biological warfare from Chavez? Hmmmm....

It's All About the Shoes




Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Harry Potter and the Blatant Babe Promotion


Check out this post over at The Illuminated Dungeon! It seems Hollywood has finally recognized the real reason Harry Potter movie tickets are sold - Alan Rickman!!
Oh, and I'm sure my cease-and-desist order from AP is in the Cybermail...

Monday, April 13, 2009

Fingernail Friendly!


Look, it's a really long story, and you're not even going to believe major portions of it, but here goes...

Awhile back I had been hearing about how great a deal you could get on a car, since the Big Three were in the throws of bankruptcy, so I did one of those 'find this car' types of Internet engine searches. Specifically, I was seeking an Atomic Orange Corvette Convertible. One hitch - I want a manual transmission. After quite a bit of searching, I did find one - less than 50 miles from my house. Skeptical, I sent an email asking if the car existed. They claimed to have it, but also had 'no haggle pricing'. I don't care for that set-up, but instead use their price to go someplace else and shoot for less than their price so I can feel like I've received a 'deal'. Whatever.

Anyhoo...

Saturday, Al suggests going to this car dealership so we can look at the Vette and he can check out some trucks. He needs a new car desperately. Sad to say, his last Chevy Silverado only lasted ten years, and not because of neglect. He took very good care of it and it has over 200K miles on it, but a rear quarter panel is starting to rust and funny clicking noises are now the norm from the dashboard.

Fine. I agree to go, especially due to the huge outlet mall next to the car place and down the street from the Jelly Belly Factory. At least a bag of belly flops will make the trip worth my while.

Al looks at every truck carefully outside with the salesman while I whimper inside due to lake winds. At the end a a few hours, I ask if he is going to test drive anything. Yes, he says. The Vette.

What? I thought I was here for moral support in the purchase of a pickup.

The Vette is lolling like a house cat in a corner of the tiled showroom, it's bright orange exterior nicely complemented by the "Cashmere" tan upholstery. The doors are so easy to open - a little button - none of the manicure-wrecking chrome torture devices found on my '68. Once in, the car is rather spartan, but far beyond my vintage (read: pre-Nader) experience.

Since it's freezing out, and hearing the interior cabin noise with the top up would be a good opportunity, we ask that the roof be raised. This suddenly entails four clueless sales people looking for the automatic top button. They aren't really listening to us experts regarding the fact this one doesn't come with that feature. Soon all are milling around, looking under seats and behind the steering column; one has the manual in hand (need I note that was the woman?) I lean over to Al and state: I can't wait until we have to bring it back here for service...


Finally, a button is located to pop the top up. Again, this is so much better than carving my hands raw as I do presently on old metal levers teeming with lockjaw. The only real objection I had to the whole car is it seemed difficult to get the top secured down on the front windshield. There was a handle, but it was unwieldy, and I'd really like to see an electric model in motion for comparison.

Al went first, said he heard some wind noise and felt the wind pushing against the car. I have no idea, as on my test drive I was too busy hitting 75 on the expressway while trying to figure out if I was still in third gear. The gears are incredibly tight and I seemed to hang too much on the clutch in first - something a little practice would take care of, but upsetting when you aren't feeling smooth. Overall, very comfortable. I could see long trips in this car.

Trunk space? Non-existent. Golf clubs? Try a putter and one sleeve of golf balls. Shopping? Four shoes. One dress. Nothing bulky from the Megalomart, like cases of soda or laundry baskets.

Bottom Line: a good deal. Original MSRP: $57,500 No Haggle Price because we can't get rid of an '08 and it's well into '09: $44,815. Hmmmm.

Al is like ready to buy the car. Starts talking details with Mr. Salesman. Whoa. Excuse me? Aren't you the one telling me your tech job may evaporate any second now? What happened to the truck? I think that wind noise you heard were actually the Sirens...

As my artist friend observed, it was like a Freaky Friday scenario: there was someone losing all perspective in a new car showroom and it wasn't me! It was him! Yes, that's right, I was the lone voice of reason standing next to a sports car. Spooky.


Did I mention the polished aluminum wheels?


Knute is So Cute...






I just wanted to go swimming with him...

An amateur video shows zookeepers in Berlin trying to drag a woman from the water after she supposedly jumped into a polar bear exhibit.

Amazingly, Americans have not yet cornered the market on 'idiot'...

Onlookers said the polar bears playfully tugged her while she tried to escape. The woman suffered bites to her arms and legs.

Other news reports described the attack as 'brutal' - after viewing the video, I'll go with playful. In the way only a thousand-pound wild predator can be.

Workers distracted the bears by throwing meat and pushing them away with sticks. The woman was treated at a nearby hospital.

Why? It was 'feeding time'. Dead fish gets dull pretty quick, and zoos seem to have some strange issue about keeping the seals and penguins in separate enclosures, so what's a massive carnivore to do?

It's unclear how the woman got in the water, but a witness said she just jumped in.

Perhaps it was part of an Animal Enrichment program. Caged animals get quite bored and can suffer stress. This was the coolest thing they had seen in quite some time. They'd like to welcome their new playmate back soon. Tell those guys with the pesky poles and life preservers to stay home next time.

Collecting Animosity

Nothing wholesome here! Looks more like a Bond Girl.
Specializing in miniature horses?
Specializing in wealthy sheiks? Is that a tiny mint julep in her hand?


Would this bitch stay home already? She's already made me insecure as a Corvette owner and Veterinary school dropout, and now she has to show up at the Kentucky Derby?
As the owner of the winning horse, I'm sure.






Moral: If you have impossible proportions made of plastic, the world is your oyster.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Hmmmm....

I see Blogger has a new feature - you can decide how to display pay-per-click ads on your blog.

So - does anyone know how this works? Have you used ads in the past or are you currently seeking revenue from your blog? Do you get to pick advertisers?

I mean, what if my blog was VeganTimes sponsored by Oscar Meyer or KFC? Do advertisers get to pick you?

In other words, if I say... had a blog... and on that blog... were some personal anecdotes... about my experiences with a certain appliance company... and if said company signed up for Google Ads... and they didn't READ any of the blogs in question... would users potentially come to a landing page all about how MAYTAG SUCKS... and then there was a little picture of the Maytag Repairman on the sidebar asking you click here... and my readers were every bit as sarcastic as myself and clicked it...

Could I get a revenue check from MAYTAG? For outwitting them???

Just wondering. Oh, if you're keeping score, this blog isn't even in the top 25 hits on Yahoo! or Google for Maytag Sucks. That's how many other sites are out there saying the same thing.

Jurassic Easter



It's all fun and games until someone eats the cellophane grass...

Bo Knows


Where the bodies are drowned



Helloooo.... Am I the only one finding the irony in Ted "Chappaquiddick" Kennedy raising dogs trained to act as couriers from ship to shore??


Bo is very cute. However, he's no First Lizard. By the way, are you buying any of that 'second chance' shaggy dog story? Supposedly Bo was previously owned, but relinquished. Yeah, by a Washington insider who puppy-sat for a month as the Obama's got ready to announce the dog on Easter for a feel-good photo-op. That way the President could get the good press of a 'rescue dog' rather than admitting "I'm really powerful, and people will trip over themselves giving me rare puppies to curry favor."
Air Force One - Cadillac One - Piddle One?

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Am I the Only One?

Enrolling in Basic Korean at the community college??

Why Did the Turtle (Unsuccessfully) Cross the Road?


Because the evil developer was too cheap to dig an underpass.


A sign is not going to work!!


Seems McHenry County officials think putting up a few "Turtle Crossing" signs is somehow going to save the lives of endangered Blanding's turtles. Read the whole article here.


The marsh, home to the state's second largest colony of Blanding's turtles, is part of a 250-acre nature preserve that abuts Algonquin Road, where traffic zooms by at 40 m.p.h.The turtles prefer laying their eggs on dry ground up to a mile away from water, and their homing instinct tells them to return to their birth area to build their nests.Before development, it was an easy trip. Now, strip malls, subdivisions and roads can make it deadly, which is one reason officials said they will soon be elevated to the state's endangered species list.


Letting them get run over is not the way to move them to the endangered species list. Why not dig a tunnel beneath the road for them? This should have been required when the development plans were approved.


When a developer built a strip mall nearby four years ago, he had to ensure artificial nesting sites were built in the preserve to try to keep the turtles away from the traffic. But some still tried to plod across the road, so when the county widened it to four lanes two years ago, the state asked it to post the "Turtle Crossing" signs.


So now what? Dig the tunnel. Erect Turtle Toll Booths to charge each car a nickel. That way, the toll isn't oppressive and the tunnel will be paid for slowly...like the turtles. Also, no open road tolling. Everyone must sloooww down for the booth.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Points to Ponder



Majoring in Eligibility?


Why is it when they put up a college athlete's stats on the screen, Grade Point Average is not included? I think I have a right to know who's getting an A in Remedial Art History, Rope Jumping for Beginners, or Shaterisims, Season Two.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad...



Why on earth three Derby prep races had to be held on the exact same day, I'm not quite sure, but I successfully selected two winners.




At Santa Anita news of The Pamplemousse's scratch caused me to select Baffert's colt, Pioneerof the Nile.


Normally, I would penalize any pick that was in such blatant disregard to the rules of grammar, but, hey, can't argue with Baffert's skill. I was vindicated.


In an interesting aside, the number two horse was named Chocolate Candy and owned by weight-loss mogul Jenny Craig. No word on whether she would have ate the horse if it performed poorly. (Low Carb! Mmmm!)


I hope The Pamplemousse gets better. I understand he had a sore leg and was unable to run. Railbirds seem to think Pioneerof The Nile is 'learning how to run' and I'll be the first to admit he ran an awful race, despite winning. I interpret it not as immaturity, but rather a willingness to listen - he was in the lead, pulled back, and then urged forward and maintained the lead for the win. It was a strange race that just didn't go the way the jockey and trainer wished it to, yet he won. But the immaturity angle has a solid basis, he's much younger than the other horses and supposedly lost two teeth in the race! Awww... baby teeth. How cute. Glad he didn't choke on them or something.


In the Illinois Derby, I kind of liked Al Khali (Plecher), but it was Musket Man for the win. Really, though, can I trust ANYTHING that takes place near Cicero, IL?? Not really.


But over at the Wood Memorial, great things were happening, and I wish NBC had televised that one as featured instead of Santa Anita. One glance at the card and I had picked my horse based soley on his name: I Want Revenge. I mean, really, how could you not bet on that? Only after a closer inspection did I learn of his great pedigree and home: the same stable that owned Big Brown. I Want Revenge had a tough race and came back from a slow break to penetrate a wall of horses at the end for the win. I was very impressed, and right now he's my Derby pick. Amazingly enough, he lost his first six races but flourished when he was moved from a synthethic track to an old-fashioned dirt surface.


Seems the jury is still out on whether synthetic surfaces reduce injury. I'll be watching for more data as it develops. I want to get over to Arlington more this year, but at the rate the weather is going, I will never see sunshine, much less pull my Vette out of the garage. Right now? April fifth? Big snowstorm. I hate the Midwest. Is there a little anti-heart symbol for that??


I Want a Derby Victory!

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Club Med(ical attention needed)

Still going to the health club. Still not seeing results!! (I mean one Pixie... that should work off easily, right?)

Attending diligently, despite the fact the place is so germy I think SARS goes there for Spring Break.

For starters, I hate the parking. If I wanted to walk long distances in the cold fresh air I wouldn't be paying you people, now would I?? The parking spaces are too narrow. I'm sick and tired of businesses thinking they can cram in extra parking by making each space teensy weensy. SUV's are huge, people! The 'general public' has no parking skills and even less regard for how wide they swing their car doors.

I go in and request "my" locker. They don't have enough to actually rent them out, it's get issued a key at the door and take potluck. Ew. I got stuck in a moldy creepy corner with a bunch of wet toddlers exactly once before I started getting assertive at check-in. I pointedly ask for a locker on the end so I can cringe away from the hubbub. I take one of their threadbare washcloths they are trying to pass off as "towels" and brace myself for the petri dish that is the women's changing area. Who puts indoor-outdoor carpeting in a locker room? Is that the most unsanitary thing you have ever heard? Forty gallons of chlorine bleach couldn't help this place. Yick.

Wednesdays are Kick Boxing night. Participants are exhorted to punch at their own noses as reflected on the wall of mirrors at the front of the room. Perfect for the self-loathing narcissist like myself!

An announcement is made that the Friday Yoga Class is now moving to 5:30 a.m. Yes, I heard that correctly. Five-Thirty A. M. .... Like how is that relaxing? Am I allowed sleep on a mat Thursday night in the multi-purpose room?? Because that's the only way I'm getting there that early, that's for sure. Namaste must secretly mean "weed out the wimps".

On the way out I noticed a closed-circuit TV behind the desk. Four views of various areas of the club were broadcast simultaneously. "What's that," I ask. "The Klutz Cam? So you can see if someone falls?"

I imagine the call over the loudspeaker now: "Potential Lawsuit on Racquetball Court, Stat!"

It troubles me no cameras are pointing at any thing important. Like my car.