It's not over until someone receives an Asian Carp wrapped in a ballot...

This Could Happen to Me!

Ten-year-old Carley Helm feared her brand-new pet turtle was doomed, the victim of confusion over airline policies regarding the transportation of reptiles. I don't agree with policies concerning the salmonella potential reptiles or the stupid rules of airlines. Why should I be surprised the two intersect?

But thanks to some scrambling by AirTran Airways officials, it made a safe journey from Atlanta to General Mitchell International Airport on Thursday afternoon.

And yes, Carley is sure it’s the same turtle — she can tell by the small white dot below its nose.

After visiting their father in Atlanta, Carley and her two sisters were traveling home Tuesday with the tiny reptile, named Neytiri after the leading lady in the blockbuster “Avatar.” With the turtle in its container, they made it through security, aboard the AirTran aircraft and to their seats in the cabin of the aircraft — showing off Neytiri along the way. No one raised any questions. Meanwhile, several passengers snuck explosives aboard.

However, as the plane began to taxi on the runway, the pilot announced it was turning back because a turtle was onboard, violating Federal Aviation Administration policy. OMG! A Reptile Emergency! On a PLANE!! A tiny turtle terrorist!!!


The FAA prohibits reptiles and most animals onboard commercial aircrafts — with the exception of dogs, cats and household birds in approved containers that fit below the seat, said AirTran spokesman Christopher White.

“Reptiles are in no form allowed onboard for safety reasons,” White said. “They are very, very commonly known to carry salmonella.” Oh, please. Let's talk about what humans are commonly known to carry. Let's talk about that filthy recirculated air you swirl around the cabin.

“I know policies need to be followed, but (AirTran) should make sure their employees know what the policies are,” her mother, Tracy Helm, said Thursday. Why not just use it as a new source of revenue like everything else the airlines touch? Three Dollar Turtle Carry-On Thursdays would be a nice special. Surprised they didn't make them buy the turtle a seat.

Back at the gate, the girls asked if the airline could keep the turtle until their dad — who was on his cell phone and rushing back to the airport — could pick it up, said their mother. They were told that was not possible, but they could catch a later flight for free.They have human baby-sitters, why not pets? Oh, wait, they can't keep track of my luggage, even with extra fees. The little guy would have ended up in some soup.

One of her sisters, Rebecca Helm, 22, opted to deposit the small container with Neytiri into a garbage can next to Gate C2 and told her dad to look for it there and rescue it. When he arrived, the can was empty, and he was told the garbage had probably already been emptied. Impossible. I've been to airports.

Notified of the situation, AirTran officials immediately began contacting everyone who had worked near that gate Tuesday, White said. It turned out an AirTran ramp supervisor had rescued Neytiri from the trash and given the tiny reptile to another employee, who took it home to her 5-year-old son, White said. Whew!

The employee who had Neytiri returned the turtle.

Neytiri made the trip Thursday to Milwaukee in the cargo of a Delta Air Lines flight because AirTran only transports luggage.

The turtle’s flight did have one last glitch, but this one was common to all air travelers: an hour-and-a-half delay. Happy ending, but we need to change the rules!! Turtles are NOT dangerous, and should travel with their owners.

Where is Gulfzilla When You Need Him ?!

EMPIRE, La. (AP) — BP chief executive Tony Hayward took a day off Saturday to see his 52-foot yacht "Bob" compete in a glitzy race off England's shore, a leisure trip that further infuriated residents of the oil-stained Gulf Coast.

Oil is Lost

Saw these two items at the grocery store today and couldn't help but think,
"What a great dip to serve at the next BP Shareholder's meeting!"

An Inconvenient Filing

What's this? After forty years Al and Tipper Gore are divorcing? Say it ain't so!

Guess the only place the temperature was dropping was in the boudoir... no renewable energy there, apparently.

Supposedly they announced the split to their closest friends via e-mail - and I hope it included Tipper's observation that she just couldn't listen to him tell the story of how he invented the Internet one more time. Right there, any judge should give her more than half the marital assets. Wonder who gets Oscar and who gets the medal?

Can you just see Al tooling down the PCH with the sunroof in his Prius open, blaring Gangsta Rap now that he's free?

Is it just a coincidence this news comes after the worst environmental disaster in U.S. history? Al's ties to the oil industry are just the Tipper the iceberg, if you ask me.

Petrol-e-man

Gulfzilla!!

Top Ten BP Excuses

10."The Gulf of Mexico was overdue for its 3,000 oil change"

9."We promise we'll get around to it by Labor Day"

8."Relax, it's only leaking 210,000 gallons a day"

7."Giving everyone a free BP travel mug"

6."Louisiana hasn't had a disaster in 5 years"

5."Guy from Goldman Sachs said it would make money"

4."Blame FEMA"

3."Did you hear Ricky Martin's gay?"

2."Blame Toyota"

1."Honestly, we're so reckless -- surprised it took this long"

From Late Night With David Letterman (5/3/10)

Doggone It

Dear Owen Wilson,

You used to be my favorite movie star. Starsky and Hutch. Shanghai Knights. Cars.

Then came Marley and Me.

Please, go back to the writing. I like intellectuals. That also look like blond gods. (almost enough to compensate for the whole 'Owen Cunningham' thing your parents also bestowed upon you.)

Now... Marmaduke? I didn't think you could sink any lower. (both of these movies occurred AFTER his suicide attempt. Go figure.)

Did you know?

Owen and Luke's father was the first to bring Monty Python's Flying Circus to American TV where he managed KERA, a PBS station, in Dallas, TX.

Quote he should live by: "I can't think of a movie I wish I'd acted in, but there are movies I wish I'd written."

Quote of his that I live by: "I don't feel like I'm a hundred times happier. Can't we petition someone to make it so that outside stuff is the key to happiness? I'm tired of people always saying, 'It's gotta come from you!' Can't it come from, like, a new pair of shoes?"

There's a Word for That

And that word is spelled w-r-o-n-g. Or perhaps s-a-c-r-i-l-e-g-e.

Just when you thought the dumbing-down of America was pretty much complete, comes this little tidbit: Mattel announced their newest edition of Scrabble will allow proper nouns.

What? After sixty years they're just opening the floodgates of 'but I know someone who spells his name that way'? Are they paying a corporate sponsorship fee to the first couple to name their child Qzxtb? Did they lose a bet with Barbie? Get bored of the Hot Wheels loop?

The games company said it would be introducing the rule change – the first in the game's 62 year history – to "enable younger players" to get involved.

Admit it - you mean the txt gn - why not accept LOL and WTF?

This could cause a power shift between the generations, with those possessing a keen knowledge of the top 40 singles' chart legitimately able to cite such high-scoring examples as singers N-Dubz (17 points) and Jay-Z (23 points).

Oh, like they would be caught dead playing some antique game with tree pieces. With Grandpa.

A Mattel spokesman said: "The layout, the colors of the board, the rules and the game itself have all remained unchanged for over 60 years.

So let's mess it up! Let's change for the sake of change! Let's make the board 3D with sound chips while we're at it. (Hologram adapter sold separately)

"These changes are the biggest news for Scrabble lovers in the history of the game and will provide a great new twist on the old formula. We believe that people who are already fans of the game will enjoy the changes and they will also enable younger players and families to get involved.

That drab old formula that required thought, spelling skills and a dictionary. Yes, let's get rid of that. People will rush right out to pay $19.59 for a new set of printed instructions inside our box. It will give them a magical site license to play the game with standards lower than your typical Washington Lobbyist.

Why stop at Scrabble? Why not make more games easier for today's ADHD youth?

Like "Chutes". Who wants to scale those pesky ladders? Life should be one big happy slide.

Or "Monopoly - Bailout Edition". Run out of money? All your hotels mortgaged to the hilt? Never fear, just cut up some slips of paper and write denominations on them. Distribute to give your players a federal bailout. No one need ever lose again! Always get out of jail free!

I'd love a more realistic version of "Life" - instead of having twins or going to college they should now offer more likely scenarios like "stay on your parents couch to age thirty" and "do you want fries with that" as an occupation space. No cash in this version. Just Promissory Notes.

(No) Risk - players compete to take over the world with junk bonds and load funds.

(Get a) Clue - players realize they are trapped with a bunch of dislikeable idiots in a drafty old house.

Fortunately, I was able to find this explanation of the whole ruckus online.

Whew! They sure Trickstered me.

Why I Haven't Got Time For Your $#%@

The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday.

The quake, the seventh strongest earthquake in recorded history, hit Chile Saturday and should have shortened the length of an Earth day by 1.26 milliseconds, according to research scientist Richard Gross at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif.

"Perhaps more impressive is how much the quake shifted Earth's axis," NASA officials said in a Monday update.

Is it just me, or does it seem to be 'Earthquake Season' all of a sudden???

Closing Ceremonies

William Shatner? Really? That's the best you can do? Was Rush busy?

Lower Education

Face it, right now you're thinking about how many of your co-workers this could apply to:

Ms Bishop, who has four children, obtained a PhD from Harvard University in 1993. She began teaching at the University of Alabama in 2003. She was told last year that she would not get a tenured, or permanent, position and that this was her last term. Colleagues described her as a brilliant researcher but a poor teacher and communicator.

She held her regular anatomy and neuroscience class on Friday before going to a faculty meeting at a university building in Huntsville, Alabama, where she allegedly pulled out a 9mm handgun and began firing. Witnesses said that she then left the room and dumped the gun in a lavatory before being arrested.

When she was led away, she told local television: “It didn’t happen. There’s no way. They’re still alive.”

But wait! It gets better.

The shooting has prompted police to reopen the case of her younger brother’s death in 1986. The police chief in the Boston suburb of Braintree said at the weekend that Ms Bishop, then 19, was freed after his predecessor apparently halted the investigation. “I don’t want to use the word ‘cover-up’. I don’t know what the thought process was at the time,” Paul Frazier said.

Ms Bishop shot her brother Seth, 18, a violinist and prize-winning science student, with a shotgun during an argument, he said. She was arrested at gunpoint after allegedly pointing the gun at a car to try to force the driver to stop.

A former auto-body worker claims Amy Bishop put a gun to his chest and demanded a getaway car just minutes after she shot her brother to death 24 years ago in a controversial case that is now being reviewed.

The police chief at the time, John Polio, apparently ordered officers to free Ms Bishop and declare the shooting accidental. “I spoke with the retired deputy chief who was . . . responsible for booking Ms Bishop. He said he had started the process when he received a call from then police chief John Polio, or possibly from a captain on Chief Polio’s behalf,” Mr Frazier said. “He was instructed to stop the booking process. The release of Ms Bishop did not sit well with the police officers.”

According to the police chief, Ms Bishop’s mother, Judith, was a public official who sat on a police personnel committee. Apart from a short entry in the Braintree police log the case file on the death, including a seven-page report, has disappeared.

Hmmm. Bumped off an inconveniently smarter sibling? Just a baby bird pushing the weaker ones out of the nest to get all the worms. Natural selection. Nothing more to see here. Move along.

Oooh. What about this?

Grieving relatives of three professors gunned down at a university faculty meeting questioned why their accused colleague was hired despite a dispute with a former boss who received a pipe bomb and the shooting death of her brother.

And this sure doesn't describe anybody you work with...

...had described Bishop as “not being able to deal with reality” and “not as good as she thought she was."

So much for the good old days when you hoped your kid got into college for a draft deferment, since a war zone was a dangerous place where they could get shot.

Too eHarmony for Me

WildeSpace

Are you using any social networking sites? Hangin' out online with your frat buddies? Reconnecting with the little red haired girl? Did she 'friend' you? Are you pathetic enough to care?

I've tried it, and you know what? If I didn't like you in high school, I don't want to see you in cyberspace. People can search you by name or home town and send you a howdy-do hoping your ego is so massive you'll immediately befriend them on a mysterious power-trip to gather the most chits of other losers looking to vicariously post ancient photos and send pseudo-hugs. Barf.

The biggest thrill I got was from clicking "Ignore" when some human flotsam arose out of the ether and banged on my drawbridge. I've only run into one person "live" who noted I chose not to let them in my inner sanctum of scientifically sound "What Dog Breed Are You?" testing results. Boo Hoo. Deal with it sweetie.

This got me to thinking. If I enjoyed the Ignore button so much, why is there no public 'unfriend' button? It's my understanding that on most of these sites, there is no notification that you have been dropped from someone's roster. You find it out by trying to access that person's account and being told you would have to send a new friend request. Nice way to find out your main squeeze has moved on. I'm all for more descriptive status lines, too. Why not: Ticked Off at Partner and Entertaining Other Offers? Bet that would boost quite a few relationships, real and virtual. Single and Desperate? Short, to the point. Married and Dissatisfied. Ditto.

Let's face it, we could all use a CapoteBook site, where it's not who you Friend, it's who you Un-friend. And show it for all the world to see!!! Real time updates! The fickle friend of fate!

Missy has just Un-Friended Greg.

Greg has just Un-Friended Missy, but Missy did it first.

Greg just tagged all of Missy's photos with the word 'whore'.

Missy just sent all males in Greg's Friend Account a Revenge-Sex-Shout Out.

Greg has just e-mailed Missy's Mother her Capote-Book Password.


Now there's a site I want to join!

Is this the same focus group...

WASHINGTON — The city council in the nation's capital voted Tuesday to recognize same-sex marriages from states that approve them, a step that could propel the emotional issue into Congress and draw Democrats into a culture-wars battle with each other.
Former Washington Mayor Marion Barry cast the lone council vote against recognizing same-sex marriages. He called it an "agonizing and difficult decision" that he made after praying and consulting with his constituents and the religious community.

...that said doing crack with a girlfriend is fine? Forgetting to file income tax forms for eight years is OK, if you're really busy? Having numerous legal charges mysteriously dropped is just a perk of office? Who wound your moral compass all the way past "flip-flop" to "totally incomprehensible"?

Sickos!!!!

Turtles! They hurt turtles!!! Oh, it's illegal to kill cats or dogs, but not farm animals? I can't imagine the outcry if they killed some horses. Turtles should be a felony. Where are our heroes on the half-shell when you need them for a little revenge? Does Philly* have a signal for Gamera?

*Is it any wonder Michael Vick found a home here??

Can the Economy Get any Worse?

Apparently, not much.

OSWIECIM, Poland - Thieves stole the notorious sign bearing the cynical Nazi slogan Arbeit Macht Frei - German for Work Sets You Free - from the entrance to the former Auschwitz death camp, cutting through rows of barbed wire and metal bars early yesterday before escaping through the snow.

Am I The Only One?

Who thinks maybe the water (or curriculum) at Virgina Tech needs a little scrutiny?



I love how his "disturbing blog posts" have been cited as a warning sign. Nothing to see here, folks, keep moving. Just move along. That's it. Surf on over to cuteoverload.com. Much better.


Authorities are trying to piece together the puzzle by interviewing aquaintences and rummaging through his belongings. Finding clues? Or planting them? Investigating? Or creating a backstory?

Algore-a-saurus

Global Warming and the Dinosaurs: Fossil Discoveries at the Poles

Description:
Dinosaurs are usually pictured in warm, tropical environments, but fossils found at the poles are filling in the gap of knowledge about how and where these creatures lived. Evidence from bones and teeth to trackways and skin impressions raises important questions: How did dinosaurs cope with three months of total darkness in winter? What plants grew in the polar regions? How cold was it? What are the implications for today, as glaciers retreat, ice shelves melt, and permafrost thaws? The polar regions are a unique "library" of the past, and Caroline Arnold introduces readers to the gigantic prehistoric creatures that inhabited them.

Reasons Why

October 7, 2009 -- It is well known that driving a cab is a dangerous thing to do. But a new study says it ranks in the top 10 hazardous occupations in the country, and in Chicago, more than a fifth of all drivers have been physically attacked.

Post With a Porpoise

Caution: objects in photo more vindictive than they appear

Allecyn Edwards sued the Chicago Zoological Society and the zoo because she claims they "recklessly and willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water at the spectators in the stands making the floor wet and slippery," "failed to provide warnings of the slippery floor" and "failed to provide mats ... when the staff knew the floor would get wet and slippery," among other negligent acts, according to the complaint.

On Aug. 20, 2008, Edwards was walking along the floor near bleachers at the dolphin exhibit and fell, the suit says. The injuries from the fall caused her to lose wages, incur medical expenses and experience physical and mental suffering, the suit says.



(enjoy comments here)



Allecyn: (Sobbing) It was horrible, your honor. The dolphin was just laughing at me! Eeeeeh! Eeeeh! Eheee! With that big smirk!!



Judge Judy: And what were you doing right before the fall?



Allecyn: Texting my boyfriend.


Judge Judy: I'm sorry, but I find for the defendant. There's not enough proof they did it on porpoise.

Allecyn: I knew it! I just knew you'd believe those lyin' Belugas. All those fish are in on the conspiracy!

Judge Judy: Actually, they're Marine Mammals.

Allecyn: Oh, so now they're veterans?

What if the zoo loses? Do they serve the offending dolphin in the food court? Lose a bunch of penguins? Fill the tank with sand for a safety-grip surface? Bottom Line: the only one making a splash is the law firm of Munday & Nathan.