Count Me Out

Mailed in my Sensless form the other day. If the Government wants to know where I live, why don’t they just use GoogleMaps like everyone else and save the taxpayers a few billion?

What’s with asking if I own my home free and clear? Smacks of socialism. What’s it to you, Government? Thinking up new ways to tax the five fiscally responsible people left in America? Trying to decide how many more billions to throw at the banks that made all those stupid lending decisions? Need to know who might put up a fight while you’re declaring Eminent Domain willy-nilly?

How many people live in my house? More than I’d like. How’s that for an answer? Not interested in getting any more representation, thank you. The idiots elected now don’t need any further help.

Race? What does it matter? All I can do is pick a box I “identify with”. So what? Does that somehow mean I’ll be perceived that race by the Government or my neighbors? Of course not. People and institutions can discriminate based on all kinds of wacky and erroneous perceptions. Why even care what I think? Unless you want to round me up and put me in a detention camp for lying on an official form. Won’t happen? Don’t be so sure. The Census Bureau has a wonderfully colorful history of having its data mined by other divisions. Credit them for helping find draft dodgers, fill internment camps and generally terrorizing the citizenry.

Supposedly, it has to do with representation. Do we get a certain amount of legislators of a certain race? Nope. Just a money ploy. Sad to say, America is actually well below the average of most other nations as to the number of women holding public office. Which explains so much.

Meanwhile...

I'm not published???

I Wonder If...

All across America little girls are fighting
over me as their number one
Fantasy Shopping League Draft Pick???

Visibily Enhanced

Why can't I make a lasting contribution to the world like this? Oh, yeah, I'm surfing the web all day goofing off. I knew it was something.



TOKYO (AFP) – First came see-through frogs. Now Japanese researchers have succeeded in producing goldfish whose beating hearts can be seen through translucent scales and skin.

Wow. When I was a kid I was impressed by the Visible Woman when I should have been breeding goldfish. That would have been right up my alley, always liked genetic research. Hmm... a clear cat. Someone would pay millions...

Now and Then

Thanksgiving at the Skilling household


Then


Jeff: Mom! Dad! I hope you don't mind, but I had to park the helicopter on your back deck. You know I wouldn't miss Mom's pie for the world. Can't stay long though, I have to look at an island I'm thinking of purchasing, and then there's the Harvard Alumni night later this week. Hey, there Tommy! (snicker) Still going to that loser liberal school with your weather geeks? Tell me, is it going to be too windy to take off tomorrow morning? Looks like your hair is starting to blow off, har!

Tom: Not funny, Jeffie.

Jeff: Oooh. Somebody is feeling stormy. Thanks, Mom. These potatoes are great. MMM. Hey, did you see that? That sedan. The black one, it went by twice. No, they are not looking for a house. They are looking for me. I know it. It's the FBI. They're following me.

Tom: You wish you were that important.

Jeff: Shut up Tom. Isn't there a hail storm you should be out in? Call me when you're the CEO of weather.


Now

Tom: Hey, Jeff. Good to see you. Bet there's quite a feast planned for tonight. Maybe they'll use the good tin. I would have brought you some pie but that big guard with the glass eye took it first. Got any boyfriends yet?

Jeff: Shut up, dweeb.

Tom: Hey, I predict tomorrow in the yard will be partly cloudy with a sixty percent of shanking. Bwha ha ha!

Hey, That Was My Idea!

NOlympics!!!!!!!!!!!

Post With a Porpoise

Caution: objects in photo more vindictive than they appear

Allecyn Edwards sued the Chicago Zoological Society and the zoo because she claims they "recklessly and willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water at the spectators in the stands making the floor wet and slippery," "failed to provide warnings of the slippery floor" and "failed to provide mats ... when the staff knew the floor would get wet and slippery," among other negligent acts, according to the complaint.

On Aug. 20, 2008, Edwards was walking along the floor near bleachers at the dolphin exhibit and fell, the suit says. The injuries from the fall caused her to lose wages, incur medical expenses and experience physical and mental suffering, the suit says.



(enjoy comments here)



Allecyn: (Sobbing) It was horrible, your honor. The dolphin was just laughing at me! Eeeeeh! Eeeeh! Eheee! With that big smirk!!



Judge Judy: And what were you doing right before the fall?



Allecyn: Texting my boyfriend.


Judge Judy: I'm sorry, but I find for the defendant. There's not enough proof they did it on porpoise.

Allecyn: I knew it! I just knew you'd believe those lyin' Belugas. All those fish are in on the conspiracy!

Judge Judy: Actually, they're Marine Mammals.

Allecyn: Oh, so now they're veterans?

What if the zoo loses? Do they serve the offending dolphin in the food court? Lose a bunch of penguins? Fill the tank with sand for a safety-grip surface? Bottom Line: the only one making a splash is the law firm of Munday & Nathan.

You Thought I Was Nuts??

Then you haven't met Koopa, the paint-ing turtle...

Stevia Nicks

Truvia or Consequences?

Stole my first packet of Truvia today! I had heard about the product and wanted to taste it for myself, but never bothered to look for it at a store. Then all of a sudden, (sweet n') Lo and Behold, there it was on the restaurant table! Two packets made a sudden break for my purse. Could this new sweetener replace Splenda in my heart? Or Equal in my liver?

Read this excellent opinion on why I should be skeptical of the whole situation: Is Truvia a Safe Alternative to Sugar? Conspiracy! Evil Government Agencies! Coca-Cola!

Hello, Hollywood?

I'd like to sign Mel Gibson for Night at the Holocaust Museum...

You Could Be the Champions Again

I have never watched an episode of American Idol, but I kept hearing about Adam, and when the whole Queen thing came up, I decided I needed to seek this out. Sign Adam! And write some REAL rock songs!! You kind of wasted Paul, don't blow this one. Someone send a text message to John Deacon. Is he sure he doesn't need a few pounds?

Obama's New Dental Plan

Stamping out Terrorisim, One Scowl at a Time

Let me get this straight: I can pursue happiness, I just can't show it...

"Neutral facial expressions" are required at departments of motor vehicles (DMVs) in Arkansas, Indiana, Nevada and Virginia. That means you can't smile, or smile very much. Other states may follow.

The serious poses are urged by DMVs that have installed high-tech software that compares a new license photo with others that have already been shot. When a new photo seems to match an existing one, the software sends alarms that someone may be trying to assume another driver's identity.

In Illinois, photo matching has stopped 6,000 people from getting fraudulent licenses since the technology was launched in 1999, says Beth Langen, the state head of Drivers Services.

Excuse me? Thousands of people get fraudulent licenses in Illinois due to corrupt Governors, not phony photo IDs!

Since When?

...Does a Corvette fail to make an automotive top-ten list, especially one like this? Oh, wait, you have to be CAUGHT to be ticketed...

10 Most Ticketed Cars per U.S. News

1. Hummer H2
People who love the Hummer H2 probably love its bold, imposing looks. Apparently, cops love the H2 because it helps them meet their ticket quotas. Here's a tip: If you have an H2, maybe you shouldn't drive it near then end of the month when traffic cops are scrambling to make their numbers.
2. Scion tC
Seeing the tC on the most-ticketed list makes sense, given its popularity with young people. Its sporty performance, which comes at a price that makes affording tickets easy, probably helps tempt some drivers as well.
3. Scion xB
Like the Scion tC, the xB is aimed at younger drivers. Still, when you look at the xB's less-than-stellar performance, it's safe to assume that all the tickets xB drivers are getting aren't moving violations.
4. Mercedes Benz CLK63 AMG
If you're lucky enough to have a Mercedes AMG -- any AMG -- then a few tickets are worth unleashing this luxurious beast. Besides, if you've got a Mercedes, you can probably afford a few traffic citations.
5. Toyota Solara Coupe
Now, here's a surprise. The fifth most ticketed car is the Toyota Solara Coupe. Essentially a two-door Camry, the Solara isn't known for road-thrashing performance. Maybe Solara drivers just get a lot of parking tickets.
6. Mercedes Benz CLS63 AMG
The CLS63 AMG is another luxury performance car, so it's no shocker to see its drivers among the most ticketed. The question is: With all that power, why aren't more CLS63 AMG drivers outrunning the cops?
7. Scion xA
With the xA taking the seventh spot on the ten most ticketed cars list, Scion completes the traffic-ticket hat trick. Toyota's upstart little brand has only come out with four models over its entire lifespan -- and three of them will likely get you a date in traffic court.
8. Subaru Outback
Subarus have a reputation of being yuppie grocery getters, but the Outback manages to prove that stereotype wrong by being one of the top ten most ticketed cars. Apparently, the Outback is the car of choice for people who need to get to Whole Foods in a hurry, and maybe park illegally once they're there.
9. Audi A4
Audi often finds itself in the shadows of Mercedes and BMW, but not when it comes to getting tickets. The Audi A4 is the ninth most ticketed car in America.
10. Toyota Matrix
The Toyota Matrix is often credited for bringing SUV styling to small cars. Now it can also be credited to bringing insurance rate increases to thousands of its owners.

10 Least Ticketed Cars

1. Jaguar XJ
The Jaguar XJ gives drivers a smooth ride and an opulent interior. As the least- ticketed car in America, it also seems to provide the ability to fly under radar guns. There's a feature they won't tell you about at the dealership.
2. Chevrolet Suburban
Suburban drivers tend to need their large SUVs for hauling people or towing trailers, not breaking land speed records. So it's not surprising to see it on the list of least-ticketed cars.
3. Chevrolet Tahoe
The Tahoe shares some architecture with the Hummer H2, the most-ticketed car in America. Despite the two having similar sizes, the Tahoe manages not to attract as much police attention.
4. Chevrolet Silverado 2500 and 3500
It's no shocker to find Chevrolet's heavy-duty trucks among the least-ticketed vehicles. These trucks are usually bought for their towing ability, not for impromptu drag races.*
5. Buick Park Avenue
While Buick has recently begun to increase the oomph in their cars, the now- discontinued Park Avenue helped solidify the brand's image as cars for the senior set. No wonder Park Avenue drivers tend not to get very many tickets.
6. Mazda6
The largest car in Mazda's line up, the Mazda6 has plenty of the brand's zoom-zoom, yet still manages to be among the least-ticketed cars. If you love driving sporty sedans but can't take seeing any more red and blue lights in your rearview mirror, the Mazda6 may be just the car for you.
7. Buick Rainier
The now-discontinued Buick Rainier is a largely forgettable attempt at a near- luxury SUV. Maybe that forgettable nature keeps cops from noticing when one commits a traffic offense.
8. Oldsmobile Silhouette
Finding a minivan from Oldsmobile on the list of least-ticketed cars isn't surprising. What's surprising is that anyone is still driving a Silhouette.
9. Buick Lucerne
The Buick Lucerne offers a near-luxury experience at an affordable large car price. Being one of the least-ticketed cars means that the Lucerne's affordability continues after it's bought, thanks to fewer fines and lower insurance rates.
10. GMC Sierra 1500
The GMC Sierra is an attractive truck for work or play. With its ability to haul or tow heavy loads, this truck will do anything you ask it to, including avoiding traffic citations.

* I need to show this to Al, who has been ticketed in one. In fact, I was in it once when he tried to hit 100 and the motor really does shut down as you get around 90!! It was weird.

Derby Picks!

My bets are as follows:

$2 on #13 I Want Revenge to win...

$2 on #18 Nowhere to Hide

$2 Exacta on #15 Dunkirk & #20 Flying Private

$2 Exacta Box on #2 Musket Man & #6 Freisian Fire

Mistakes On a Plane!*

Plane photo-op scares NYC workers

People "went into a total panic" said one trader

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he is furious that the federal government flew a presidential Boeing 747 and a fighter jet near ground zero. The incident on Monday caused a brief panic among workers, who said they were not notified in advance.

Bloomberg says the flyover so near the World Trade Center site showed "poor judgment" and was insensitive. He says he is furious that the NYPD and another city agency were notified last week, but did not tell him.


Oh, Great! Right when I'm trying to buy Tamiflu futures, my stock broker goes running through the streets like chicken little. So much for my chance at fortune.


*stolen from the Daily Show. Wish it were mine.

The Da Vinci Follow Up

NEW YORK - The book world has a stimulus plan: a new Dan Brown novel.

Six years after the release of his mega-selling "The Da Vinci Code," the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group announced that Brown's "The Lost Symbol,"* a thriller set during a 12-hour period and featuring "Da Vinci Code" symbolist Robert Langdon, will come out in September.

The first printing will be 5 million copies, Knopf Doubleday said, the highest in the publisher's history but well below the opening 10 million-plus print run for the final "Harry Potter" book. "The Da Vinci Code" has sold more than 80 million worldwide and inspired a spin-off community of travel books, diet books, conspiracy books, parodies and religious works. Awfully optimistic in this economy...

By Monday night, "The Lost Symbol" was No. 1 on Barnes & Noble.com and approaching the top 100 on Amazon.com. In a sign of likely price wars to come, both sites were offering discounts of 40 percent and higher for the $28.95 novel. Did anybody READ the other two novels??

Eager for success, but unprepared for obsession, Brown became increasingly reluctant to make public appearances or talk to the media. His reserve was only magnified by a copyright infringement lawsuit that was decided in his favor, but not before Brown was forced to testify in London and prepare an in-depth brief about his career, writing process and the fury he faced when promoting "The Da Vinci Code." I see him enjoying a cigar with Salman Rushdie...

Inspired in part by the commercial fiction of Sidney Sheldon, Brown is an Amherst College graduate who has said he long gave up on the idea of being a literary writer and instead wanted to write novels read by many. No one can accuse this blog of being too literary...

*Plot synopsis: A band of marauding musicians marches on the Vatican seeking the return of relics from Jesus' All-Apostle Orchestra - no, wait, that was the Lost Cymbal...

Painting Themselves Into a Corner

From WGN News:

The Chicago Park District Board this afternoon unanimously approved a 50 percent increase to the Art Institute admission fee.

The 6-0 vote means the fee will rise to $18 from $12 on May 23. (To see a comparison of museums' ticket costs click HERE.)

"We recognize how difficult the economic situation is now for everybody," Meredith Mack, the museum's deputy director and chief operating officer, said this morning as she explained the proposed fee increase to the Committee on Programs and Recreation.

"There is no good time to introduce an admission increase," she said, explaining the raised fee "is essential to allow us to uphold our mission and serve the community."


It's now cheaper to get in the Louvre. Great. But could they add Child-free Wednesdays? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You want me to pay? Give me something of value. It always costs extra for the special exhibits to begin with, and now I have to finance your expansion? Sad to say, families will spend the money at the Multiplex for Monsters 3D and not take their kids to an art museum. Except for the days I attend, of course. You would think the 'cultured' parents would have better-behaved tykes, but they don't.

I'm Just a No Book Wonder

Here's an excellent Op-Ed piece from the Timothy Egan in the NYT that really captures how I feel about slaving over a cold blog while some idiots make millions.

Excerpts:

The unlicensed pipe fitter known as Joe the Plumber is out with a book this month, just as the last seconds on his 15 minutes are slipping away. I have a question for Joe: Do you want me to fix your leaky toilet?

I didn’t think so. And I don’t want you writing books. Not when too many good novelists remain unpublished. Not when too many extraordinary histories remain unread. Not when too many riveting memoirs are kicked back at authors after 10 years of toil. Not when voices in Iran, North Korea or China struggle to get past a censor’s gate.

Joe, a k a Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, was no good as a citizen, having failed to pay his full share of taxes, no good as a plumber, not being fully credentialed, and not even any good as a faux American icon.

With a résumé full of failure, he now thinks he can join the profession of Mark Twain, George Orwell and Joan Didion.

Next up may be Sarah Palin, who is said to be worth nearly $7 million if she can place her thoughts between covers. Publishers: with all the grim news of layoffs and staff cuts at the venerable houses of American letters, can we set some ground rules for these hard times? Anyone who abuses the English language on such a regular basis should not be paid to put words in print.

Most of the writers I know work every day, in obscurity and close to poverty, trying to say one thing well and true. Day in, day out, they labor to find their voice, to learn their trade, to understand nuance and pace. And then, facing a sea of rejections, they hear about something like Barbara Bush’s dog getting a book deal.

Writing is hard, even for the best wordsmiths. Ernest Hemingway said the most frightening thing he ever encountered was “a blank sheet of paper.” And Winston Churchill called the act of writing a book “a horrible, exhaustive struggle, like a long bout of painful illness.”

Not disgusted yet? How about this?

(Excerpt)

It’s official: The book world has gone crazy. Here we are, a few weeks after some of the darkest days in publishing—both in layoffs and in actual sales—and along comes the newly revamped HarperCollins imprint William Morrow to give more than $3 million to Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, the admittedly genius pilot who saved 155 lives by landing USAirways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River in January. Yes, Sully’s a bona fide hero, and after hearing his testimony in Washington about the conditions pilots work under, I believe a grateful nation owes him a big payday.

But wait: The crazy part is that the Sullenberger deal was for two books. The first will be a memoir, and the second is a collection of Sully’s inspirational poems. Who knew that next to the heart of a hero lurked the soul of a poet?

This is the kind of book deal a publisher makes in order both to make a balance sheet work—the $3.2 million goes down on two different lines, for two different titles, and thus each book “only” has to earn back half of the total—and also to humor a would-be author or, in this case, poet. (And make no mistake, if William Morrow had not signed up the second book, many other publishers would have, just to get Sully’s memoir.)

The auction, conducted by Texas-based agent Jan Miller, was a hot one, with many publishers bidding. What better way to sweeten the pot for an aspiring author—who, as a HarperCollins editor told Crain’s, “has more substance than most people getting their 15 minutes of fame”—than to grant his fondest wish? (Miller could not be reached for comment and a spokeswoman for William Morrow could not confirm that the second book will be poetry.)

But the rest of BookLand doesn’t have this pandering rationale to blame for some of the nutty deals that have gone down in the last few weeks. $2.5 million to comedian Kathy Griffin? (Who, with that advance, goes from Hollywood’s D-List to publishing’s A-list.)

Poetry? Please. I'm very surprised it wasn't a children's book. Have you ever met a grandparent that didn't have a children's book they couldn't wait to publish? Illustrated by their daughter? I haven't .

My favorite observation on the Sully book deal came from KaneCitizen. He predicts the book will be a runway bestseller.

Am I The Only One?

Whose entire 'retirement plan' consists of Bernie Madoff blinking out the number of a Swiss bank account to me during his trial??