Oh, but a Turtle is Verboten...

You do realize turtles would have taken care of this situation in a few minutes...

A plane had to return to the gate when maggots began falling from an overhead bin onto an unsuspecting passenger.

The recent US Airways flight was leaving Atlanta and heading to Charlotte, North Carolina but had to go back after the gross discovery.

The maggots were traced back to a container of spoiled meat that someone had brought on the plane and left in the overhead bin.

Crews checked the rest of the carry-on bags and the plane was fumigated and thoroughly cleaned before taking off.

The passenger who brought the rotten meat on board reportedly deplaned in Atlanta and was placed on another flight but it's not clear why the passenger was carrying it.

Where is Gulfzilla When You Need Him ?!

EMPIRE, La. (AP) — BP chief executive Tony Hayward took a day off Saturday to see his 52-foot yacht "Bob" compete in a glitzy race off England's shore, a leisure trip that further infuriated residents of the oil-stained Gulf Coast.

Gulfzilla!!

Top Ten BP Excuses

10."The Gulf of Mexico was overdue for its 3,000 oil change"

9."We promise we'll get around to it by Labor Day"

8."Relax, it's only leaking 210,000 gallons a day"

7."Giving everyone a free BP travel mug"

6."Louisiana hasn't had a disaster in 5 years"

5."Guy from Goldman Sachs said it would make money"

4."Blame FEMA"

3."Did you hear Ricky Martin's gay?"

2."Blame Toyota"

1."Honestly, we're so reckless -- surprised it took this long"

From Late Night With David Letterman (5/3/10)

Why I Haven't Got Time For Your $#%@

The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday.

The quake, the seventh strongest earthquake in recorded history, hit Chile Saturday and should have shortened the length of an Earth day by 1.26 milliseconds, according to research scientist Richard Gross at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif.

"Perhaps more impressive is how much the quake shifted Earth's axis," NASA officials said in a Monday update.

Is it just me, or does it seem to be 'Earthquake Season' all of a sudden???

Sham-Wow!

Whoo-hoo! Job opening in lovely Orlando! I'm whale-qualified.

File under "Surprised, Not":

A killer whale killed a trainer Wednesday afternoon at SeaWorld's Shamu Stadium in Orlando, Florida, a public information officer for the Orange County Sheriff's Office said.

Are they called Cuddly Whales? Nope. Face it, they're just dolphins with really bad attitudes and even sharper teeth. A lot like me.

Sorry, but I'm totally seeing the Orca's point of view here. Honestly, how many times would you jump through a hoop for a dead fish? Two-thirds of the planet is your playground and suddenly you're trapped in a bathtub for twenty years. Wouldn't do much for my willingness to play nice.

Also, what was with Naked Guy? Taunting the tigers not fun enough in the middle of the night?

Visibily Enhanced

Why can't I make a lasting contribution to the world like this? Oh, yeah, I'm surfing the web all day goofing off. I knew it was something.



TOKYO (AFP) – First came see-through frogs. Now Japanese researchers have succeeded in producing goldfish whose beating hearts can be seen through translucent scales and skin.

Wow. When I was a kid I was impressed by the Visible Woman when I should have been breeding goldfish. That would have been right up my alley, always liked genetic research. Hmm... a clear cat. Someone would pay millions...

Post With a Porpoise

Caution: objects in photo more vindictive than they appear

Allecyn Edwards sued the Chicago Zoological Society and the zoo because she claims they "recklessly and willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water at the spectators in the stands making the floor wet and slippery," "failed to provide warnings of the slippery floor" and "failed to provide mats ... when the staff knew the floor would get wet and slippery," among other negligent acts, according to the complaint.

On Aug. 20, 2008, Edwards was walking along the floor near bleachers at the dolphin exhibit and fell, the suit says. The injuries from the fall caused her to lose wages, incur medical expenses and experience physical and mental suffering, the suit says.



(enjoy comments here)



Allecyn: (Sobbing) It was horrible, your honor. The dolphin was just laughing at me! Eeeeeh! Eeeeh! Eheee! With that big smirk!!



Judge Judy: And what were you doing right before the fall?



Allecyn: Texting my boyfriend.


Judge Judy: I'm sorry, but I find for the defendant. There's not enough proof they did it on porpoise.

Allecyn: I knew it! I just knew you'd believe those lyin' Belugas. All those fish are in on the conspiracy!

Judge Judy: Actually, they're Marine Mammals.

Allecyn: Oh, so now they're veterans?

What if the zoo loses? Do they serve the offending dolphin in the food court? Lose a bunch of penguins? Fill the tank with sand for a safety-grip surface? Bottom Line: the only one making a splash is the law firm of Munday & Nathan.

Victoria's Secret Feline Mutant Ninja Kitties

OK, I think this is a hoax, but for the sake of argument, let's assume that it is not.

Am I the only one seeing the end of Western civilization here?


While some think the bony limbs may be a mutation of some kind — or even a Siamese twin growing inside the cat — others speculate it's a genetic change perhaps caused by chemicals ingested by the kitty's mother while she was pregnant.

Strange as the case may sound, winged felines are not unheard of. Back in August 2008, the U.K. Telegraph reported that tomcats in China's Sichuan province developed wing-like growths on their backs.

Veterinary experts said then that despite the hard inner core, the "wings" don't harm cats' quality of life or safety. According to the Telegraph's report, scientists believe the appendages developed due to grooming habits, a genetic defect or a hereditary skin condition.

Hellooo... howclose is North Korea and it's nuclear testing??? Or, as one astute observer pointed out - perhaps the cats have just evolved to look less tasty.

Disappointed

Could someone please photoshop this to read 'somewhat infected pig'?

Not just me, but all the news outlets. Seems the Swine Flu outbreak may not be as bad as anticipated. Really now? Did we get all worked up for nothing? So that something much more insidious could sneak past us? What if TV actually reported news of stuff that could kill you based on the likelihood that it would kill you?


Hmmm... let's see now... according to the CDC, this is the chart we would need:


Number of deaths for top ten leading causes of death
Heart disease: 652,091
Cancer: 559,312
Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 143,579
Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 130,933
Accidents (unintentional injuries): 117,809
Diabetes: 75,119
Alzheimer's disease: 71,599
Influenza/Pneumonia: 63,001
Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 43,901
Septicemia: 34,136

Flu is #8, and that's without any mutations. So I'll go with giving it a large chunk of the nightly news. Let's see... murder? Terrorism? Death by Diet Pill? Snakes on a Plane? Not even close to making the list.


After studying this, at least 22 minutes of a 30 minute news program would be about heart disease. (Interspersed with McDonalds commercials) Yawn.

The mutation jumps at midnight, pass it on!

Point of Origin?

"Olliver.. It's Pixlie on the phone... something about not having Arnold visit our house anymore or he'll start to fly..."

Eh, Don't Get My Hopes Up

Like my Xenophobia needed any help...

The Spanish flu pandemic, which killed at least 40 million people worldwide in 1918-19, also first struck otherwise healthy young adults.

Does FMLA cover 'cowering inside until most everyone else has died off ', and if so, how many weeks would you estimate that to take?? I have a vegetable garden, some Airborne, and a well.

Now all I need is a bit of Tamiflu, and I may just ride this one out.

Happy Earth Day (not really)

Planet: 1

Humans: 6,775,010,849

It's just not fair, and a crappy 'day' a year isn't going to make it any better. I'm sorry Mother Earth. I'd leave if I could, really.

Humans: 6,775,010,849

Habitable Planets in the Universe? At least that. Yay, let's go mess up some other innocent orb, kids!

Knute is So Cute...

I just wanted to go swimming with him...

An amateur video shows zookeepers in Berlin trying to drag a woman from the water after she supposedly jumped into a polar bear exhibit.

Amazingly, Americans have not yet cornered the market on 'idiot'...

Onlookers said the polar bears playfully tugged her while she tried to escape. The woman suffered bites to her arms and legs.

Other news reports described the attack as 'brutal' - after viewing the video, I'll go with playful. In the way only a thousand-pound wild predator can be.

Workers distracted the bears by throwing meat and pushing them away with sticks. The woman was treated at a nearby hospital.

Why? It was 'feeding time'. Dead fish gets dull pretty quick, and zoos seem to have some strange issue about keeping the seals and penguins in separate enclosures, so what's a massive carnivore to do?

It's unclear how the woman got in the water, but a witness said she just jumped in.

Perhaps it was part of an Animal Enrichment program. Caged animals get quite bored and can suffer stress. This was the coolest thing they had seen in quite some time. They'd like to welcome their new playmate back soon. Tell those guys with the pesky poles and life preservers to stay home next time.

Sounds Like a Deal to Me...

NEW ORLEANS — A Louisiana woman is accused of trading two young children in her care for a pet cockatoo and $175 cash from a couple who had been trying for years to have their own child, authorities said Thursday.

The transaction for the 5-year-old boy and the 4-year-old girl was negotiated by phone after Greenwell spotted a flier posted at a livestock barn selling a cockatoo for $1,500 and called the Romeros on Feb. 18, Dupre said.

Your Home is Not a Zoo

Decidedly LESS fun than a barrel of monkeys

OK, can we all agree adolescent chimpanzees DO NOT make good pets?

And when the owner said it was a "Freak Accident", did you mentally add: "You're a freak, and there was a terrible accident"?

Will everyone reading this please promise not to give any of their animals Xanax?

How bad was it? The victim has no eyes, nose or jaw anymore. Medical personnel responding to the scene have received counseling. THAT's how bad it was. How sad for everyone.

STAMFORD, Conn. - Doctors say a Connecticut woman mauled by a 200-pound chimpanzee is making slight progress after more than seven hours of surgery by four teams of surgeons.Dr. Kevin Miller of Stamford Hospital says 55-year-old Charla Nash suffered extensive facial and hand injuries when she was attacked Monday. He says stabilizing her condition took more than seven hours of surgery. Nash was attended by hand specialists, plastic surgeons and specialists in orthopedics, ophthalmology and trauma. Miller says it's good that Nash has made some progress, but she has a long way to go. Nash was attacked by a 14-year-old domesticated chimpanzee owned by her friend, Sandra Herold of Stamford. Police shot and killed the chimp.
Earlier Wednesday, the owner of the domesticated chimpanzee backtracked on whether she gave the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax.
Sandra Herold told The Associated Press on Wednesday that she "never, ever" gave the drug to her 14-year-old chimp, Travis. However, Herold said in an interview aired Wednesday morning on NBC's "TODAY" show that she gave Travis the drug in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked Nash — she even showed a reporter the mug.

Whew!

Well, we still have one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish over here, so it seems Daytona will make a full recovery.

Now I can spend my time worrying about animals in real peril -

The suffering survivors of the Australian wildfires.

I Don't Think So!

Foiling Pteranodon Takeoffs Since the Cretaceous!

So the lead story at Yahoo News tonight is the plane crash in the Hudson. What upset me about their little post was their encapsulation of the story as a link to read more.

It read: Birds to blame

Excuse me? Birds? Those cute little fluffy descendants of dinosaurs that have been on earth say, a hundred million years???? While we humans have been polluting up the sky some oh, one hundred? That's one hundred, period. Not one hundred thousand. Not one hundred million. Nope. Using 1903's Kitty Hawk launch, I'd say we were the brash newcomer here, wouldn't you? Not like we've each developed the ability to 'see' the earth's magnetic fields or anything, eh?

Anyhoo, nice to know no one was killed. Well, except for those birds! In the waning days of the Bush administration, I'm sure this incident will be blamed on Hummingbird Hamas or Al-Queda Kites or something... see the NY Times Daily Intel to prove I'm not alone on this airstream.

But my outrage goes on: while researching the whole bird evolution question, I typed in "When did birds appear on Earth" into Google.

Oh, WikiAnswers, that looks good, I thought.

Not so much. Nothing like being fundamentally right.

What to do? Well, frankly this group scares me: Bird Strike Committee USA

They certainly dramatize the 218 people killed by birds striking aircraft, but catch this little line:

About 90% of all bird strikes in the U.S. are by species federally protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.

look closer, and see that it was preceded by:

The nesting population of bald eagles in the contiguous USA increased from fewer than 400 pairs in 1970 (2 years before DDT and similar chlorinated-hydrocarbon insecticides were banned) to over 11,000 pairs in 2007. Over 100 bald eagle strikes with civil aircraft have been reported in USA, 1990-2007. Mean body mass of bald eagles = 9.1 lbs (male); 11.8 lbs (female).

Ah-Ha!! Just remove federal protection from Bald Eagles and California Condors and voila! Problem solved. We can shoot them within a five hundred mile radius of any airport. Call Sara Palin! There's some huntin' licences to be issued!

Pink Iguanas

No, it's not a fruity tropical drink, it's a newly-discovered subspecies of land iguana found on the Galapagos! Darwin must have missed it. I need to book my flight now! I'd love to see these in the wild. Seem friendly. (famous last words of tourists consumed by local fauna)

Apocalypse (S)now

Missed work Friday, as the ten inches of snow showed up just as predicted.

Remember when Grandma's rheumatism was the only indication a big storm was on the way? No? OK, me neither. But I DO recall a time when winter wasn't so brutal. When there was a least two months out of the year that were 'poor sleddin'.

I don't just have SAD (Seasonal Affectation Disorder) I have full-blown MAD (Major Attitude Disorder) due to snowfall amounts. Characterized by a fear of driving into a snowdrift and looking fat in puffy coats, MAD can only be cured by uncharacteristically mild temperatures and an extended convertible season.

Snowmageddon!!

Gee, wonder why you haven't heard from me in weeks? Gosh, could it be like the worst fall EVER? (It's not even the first day of winter and we've broken all kinds of snow and ice records for December). Remember when you were a kid and you wished for a white Christmas? Well, I'm wishing to never see snow again, but that's not gonna happen, now is it Al Gore??

Tonight the weatherman pointed right at my house on his little map and said "up to ten inches of snow in the northern viewing area by this time Friday..."

I kept waiting for him to add, "But what do I care? I live in this nice warm box in your living room and won't be on the expressway for four hours like the rest of you idiots"