You Go, Girl!

Rachel Alexandra has pulled the (lucky?) 13th post and been declared an early Preakness favorite! All eyes will be on this filly who has so much to prove, and I really hope she annihilates the field, just like in the Oaks. Turns out an owner change is what precipitated the new direction, and I for one am all for it - I'd love to see a stretch run with Mine That Bird, or any other colt that thinks she's a pretender.



A hoof beat away from the track record - listen for Calvin's declaration "She's the best horse I've ever been on".


Filly Could Liven Up Preakness Field

» Links to this article
By Andrew BeyerSpecial to The Washington Post Thursday, May 7, 2009; 8:53 AM

The outlook for the 134th Preakness may have changed radically after prominent owner Jess Jackson announced the purchase of Rachel Alexandra.

The 3-year-old filly dazzled the racing world with her 20 1/4 -length victory in the Kentucky Oaks, and it was arguably a better performance than Mine that Bird delivered when he won the Derby the next day. Rachel Alexandra's veteran trainer Hal Wiggins immediately scotched any speculation that the filly might challenge colts in the Preakness.

But yesterday Jackson's Stonestreet Farm issued a news release saying that the owner had purchased the filly.

"She is fast, strong and durable -- the trait we should be breeding into all future generations of racehorses," Jackson said, adding that he intends to breed Rachel Alexandra to Curlin -- his now-retired champion, the winner of the 2007 Preakness -- when her racing career is over.

However, it is her near-term plans that pique the racing world. Rachel Alexandra was not nominated for the Preakness, but she could be supplemented to the race for a fee of $100,000 -- a pittance to the billionaire Jackson. Not only does he have the money, he may have the will. He never shied from challenges with Curlin. Instead of retiring him at 3, he campaigned the colt as a 4-year-old, racing him in Dubai and trying him on both grass and synthetic surfaces.

He has not yet given any indication of his plans for Rachel Alexandra -- the filly is being transferred today to the barn of trainer Steve Asmussen -- but if she runs at Pimlico on May 16 her presence will inject new excitement into the race. And she would probably be the favorite.

How to Have a Really Bad Morning

Put stress on yourself to 'leave early' because you drove your gas tank down to vapors and really, really need to get gas BEFORE work.

Take bright red plastic jewelry out of Ziploc baggie to wear moments before leaving. Notice one earring post has popped off. Run about frantically looking for crazy glue. Make sloppy mess gluing earring back together. Wait five seconds. Put earring on. Leave.

Pass first gas station while swearing at OPEC. Drive one mile to next station. Begin having heart palpitations when seeing your 'best best' station is ten cents higher than the last one. Turn around. Go back to station one.

Open little door and cap. Move nozzle near hole. Watch gas come spewing out all over side of car, despite not yet selecting 'high octane'. Panic. Put gas in while searching for napkins in car. Finish pumping gas and run in station yelling, "water, where is the water?". Note employee and customers think you are nuts or possibly on fire. Perhaps both, but they can't be bothered to point. Find sink and wet napkins. Wipe car.

Arrive at work worried the paint will peel off car before you can get home and re-wax it. Push hair out of eyes and realize some of it is now glued to ear and/or earring. Yank.

Wonder if earring removal will require screwdriver or ice....

Time: 7:46 a.m. It's going to be a lonnnnng day....

Wish I'd Thought of This...

Days of our Geta Lives

The soap opera that is Thoroughbred horse racing heats up this week as we near Saturday's Preakness Stakes...

Turns out that the owners of the filly Rachel Alexandra - who turned in a commanding win at the Kentucky Oaks as her owners didn't want to run her in the Derby (where she belonged!) - suddenly want to enter her in the Preakness, despite her lack of advance nomination.

This has caused a panic for several reasons, few of which are legitimate.

Seems there was a sudden flood of entrants (capped at fourteen) specifically designed to keep Rachel Alexandra out, as at this point she would have to put up $100, 000 extra just for consideration as a starter. Some owners commented a filly has no place racing with colts, and cited the Eight Belles tragedy as some sort of proof. So they began nominating other horses from their stables that were eligible - despite the fact that they have never won a race! Insane. Why are they so afraid of her? Are they really worried she'll break a leg in front of their horse and cause an accident? Or are they fearful of her speed? Why would they want Borel on Mine That Bird again?

Adding to the drama is the fact that Mine That Bird's super-jockey Calvin Borel would never have been on Mine That Bird had Rachel Alexandra raced in the Derby - he would have been on Rachel Alexandra. He's previously gone on record promising to ride her in every race and feels she is the superior pick!

Borel has already agreed to ride Rachel Alexandra for the rest of the
year. The duo are unbeaten in five starts since he took over as her jockey last
fall, including a 20 1/4-length win in the Oaks on May 1.
Allen said Mike Smith, who won the 2005 Kentucky Derby with Giacomo, will ride Mine That Bird if Borel is on Rachel Alexandra.
"That's a pretty good backup plan," he said with a laugh. "We're not crying in our beer right now."

Whew!

Fortunately, Al was able to fix the dishwasher with a $10 switch. Once again we have clean dishes. I was fully prepared to serve everything on Tortillas and coffee filters, if need be, as I despise hand-washing dishes.

I'll get even with you yet, Maytag.

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

We have actual appliance failure folks, just as predicted!!!!

This is too much.

Click on the links below under I'm Seeing a Pattern Here, "Maytag Sucks". You'll see (by waving your mouse over the white text that appeared when this blog was green, long ago) that in March of 2007 our Maytag Dishwasher was recalled.

I guess the insurance lawsuits from thousands of house fires put a little pressure on them to admit they knowingly make and ship dangerous crap and never fess up. So a repair man replaced a switch. Guess what went out? A switch.

When Al opened the unit up you could see repair guy forgot to replace a screw. Whether that had anything to do with the switch malfunction, I am unable to prove, but this is ridiculous. I'm sick and tired of appliance uprisings (see my take on the appliance breakdowns of Biblical proportions here.) and vow revenge on the Maytag Corporation and all its evil issue.

Maytag Sucks!!!!

Wonderful Weekend

Some people adopt a village in Africa.

Some people find a vaccine for Polio.

Some people volunteer with youths at risk.

And some people buy black cars.

Yep. The time it took me to clean the interior, wash, polish, and wax my RSX S type today was quite significant, yet so worth it. Nothing like being able to see yourself in a plastic bumper.

Speaking of plastic, there are two new cracks in my car that weren't there the last time I washed. I don't know if the harsh winter had something to do with it, but a piece of plastic on the door handle has a crack and the little spoiler on the back has one too. I probably have several cancerous moles on my body that I've never noticed, but I can show you the location of every ding on any car I own.

The next nice weekend? I can look forward to doing it all again for the Vette...

Never Saw It Coming

And neither did any of the jockeys or horses in this afternoon's Kentucky Derby!

As the owners and trainer noted, this breathtaking win owes much to jockey Calvin Borel's incredible skill. Still, all that talent would have went unrecognized if he didn't have so much horse under him. Be sure to catch a replay of the race, it defies simple description.

My pick, I Want Revenge, was scratched. Really can't think of a better name for a horse that might appear at the Preakness though, can you?

Baffert did very well with Pioneerof the Nile, but the shocking upset was wonderful racing drama.

Price of Mine That Bird - $9,500 - Winner

Price of Desert Party - $2.1 million - finished fourteenth

Look on the face of whomever made the decision to geld Mine That Bird - Priceless!

Derby Picks!

My bets are as follows:

$2 on #13 I Want Revenge to win...

$2 on #18 Nowhere to Hide

$2 Exacta on #15 Dunkirk & #20 Flying Private

$2 Exacta Box on #2 Musket Man & #6 Freisian Fire

Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!

No, this isn't another post decrying the quality and workmanship of Maytag products.

(But Maytag STILL Sucks).

It's a screed on how the first day of May is apparently the moment OPEC turns its 40 Billionth dollar of profit for the calendar year - and stays on track to double that figure each month for the next four months - gas prices jumped thirty cents!!

This is an outrage. I drove around to four stations before finding nauseating-but-I-think-I-can-keep-last-night's-dinner-down prices at the shiny new station that for some reason always has pump software problems. This joint is pretty new, but their pumps are never working. Today, it was merely a sign that said you can't buy a car wash at the pump. I can deal with that. There have been plenty of please pay inside days, we can't give you a receipt at the pump days and plain old gas isn't even pumping days. But, they do have among the best prices I can find, so I suffer through it. Also, this is the joint I discovered gives a free 16 oz. coffee with fill-up. Flavored coffee.

So at these prices, I figure they owe me a Styrofoam cup and the two Splendas I slipped in my purse. As I'm pumping, a '67 red Corvette** convertible with side pipes goes by, just to make me feel even more inadequate. Angrily, I stuff a plastic straw into my Styrofoam cup of steaming Hazelnut Cream Joe.

Go ahead carcinogenic chemicals released from the plastic. Make my day!*

Slurp! Ahhh... nothing tastes as good as FREE.

*All this fury from a woman who just left an hour and half long Yoga class. Imagine how stressed I'd be without it.
**Just in case you're not into cars, this is like the Holy Grail of automobiles.

Actual Conversation at the Getalife Household

The scene: darkened living room, lit by glow of an obnoxiously sized hi-def TV. AL lies sprawled on couch, box of tissue and meticulously completed (in black ink, no smudges or hash marks) Sudoku by his side.

Me: How are you?

Al: I don't feel well.

Me: Do you have flu symptoms?

Al: What are flu symptoms?

Me: (incredulous) You know, fever, chills, aches... Oinking...

Disappointed

Could someone please photoshop this to read 'somewhat infected pig'?

Not just me, but all the news outlets. Seems the Swine Flu outbreak may not be as bad as anticipated. Really now? Did we get all worked up for nothing? So that something much more insidious could sneak past us? What if TV actually reported news of stuff that could kill you based on the likelihood that it would kill you?


Hmmm... let's see now... according to the CDC, this is the chart we would need:


Number of deaths for top ten leading causes of death
Heart disease: 652,091
Cancer: 559,312
Stroke (cerebrovascular diseases): 143,579
Chronic lower respiratory diseases: 130,933
Accidents (unintentional injuries): 117,809
Diabetes: 75,119
Alzheimer's disease: 71,599
Influenza/Pneumonia: 63,001
Nephritis, nephrotic syndrome, and nephrosis: 43,901
Septicemia: 34,136

Flu is #8, and that's without any mutations. So I'll go with giving it a large chunk of the nightly news. Let's see... murder? Terrorism? Death by Diet Pill? Snakes on a Plane? Not even close to making the list.


After studying this, at least 22 minutes of a 30 minute news program would be about heart disease. (Interspersed with McDonalds commercials) Yawn.

The mutation jumps at midnight, pass it on!

What Do We Expect From Home Cheapo?

Oh, great, "May is Maytag Month". Does that mean all my appliances will stop working again this month? If by last long, you mean approximately five years, then I guess you could call that long - in fruit fly years or something. Download the Rebate Form? Why not save some time and just download the RECALL form? Oh, wait, Maytags are never recalled. Unless the U.S. Government forces them...

MAYTAG SUCKS MAYTAG SUCKS MAYTAG SUCKS MAYTAG SUCKS MAYTAG SUCKS!!!

Point of Origin?

"Olliver.. It's Pixlie on the phone... something about not having Arnold visit our house anymore or he'll start to fly..."

Adventures in Shopping

But they were free with purchase!

It's been a real roller-coaster of shopping experiences as of late.



Went the local Evil-Mart just before Easter and had a heaping cart of items. I rolled up to one of the few human checkers and handed my fistful of coupons over and proceeded to dump the merchandise on the sticky conveyor of germistan. I got the stuff loaded in my car and drove all the way home to my garage...where I saw the receipt peeking out of the top bag and decided to read it. Sure enough, checkout bimbo hadn't deducted ANY of my coupons, despite being presented them prior to checkout.



Furious, I jumped back in the car and drove all the way back - about, oh, five miles. Fuming, I stormed up to the checker and asked if she still had my coupons. Amazingly, she did. Was she going to use them herself? I was shocked she didn't slip them in the coupon slot after I left, leaving me little recourse. (Actually, I would have got the manager at that point and demanded the register be opened. Don't cross me over a coupon, bitch.) I frostily told her in no uncertain terms that I didn't enjoy having to drive all the way back and would appreciate it if she could remember them in the future. Went up to the service desk where I was apologized to profusely and handed seven dollars cash.



Steamed, I left a second time to go home and unload the merchandise I never would have bought were it not for a coupon.



Then this Saturday I had a furniture fiasco over at the local Farm & Fleet. Bought a four-piece indoor-outdoor fake wicker furniture set for the lizards, as the old set is starting to break down. Yes, that's right, for the lizards. They sit on them every bit as much as I do and the thought of plastic coating that wipes clean easily was a big plus.



Al goes to the loading dock to get the set while I check out with a few smaller items and meet in front of the store. We go straight home and he begins to unload the furniture. It's not until the packing is removed that we notice the love seat has a bent rear leg that is so distorted the chair won't even sit square on the floor. Never noticed it loading the truck, and it's not bendable. By this time I have the little table and a chair in the lizard room, and it's pretty obvious the color is too dark a brown for the room. Back we go for a refund. Sheesh.



Did much better yesterday. Had tons of coupons to redeem, and did pretty well. Over at Ulta they had a BOGO on Jergen's lotion and I had two $1.00 off coupons. Bought a few other things on Clearance and used my $3.50 coupon for the whole transaction, so I did pretty well.



Headed over to Bed, Bath and Beyond What I'm Willing to pay - only because of the $10 off any purchase $30 or more coupon. Normally they are much too expensive for me, but the thought of getting almost a third off my purchase if I played my cards, er, coupons, right motivated me. I bought a mango slicer for $12.49, a Vegetable-Fresh for the Fridge for $5.75 and a cutting board for $12.75 and qualified! Yay.



But it was Petsmart where I really shone..



The little teenage girl at the check out was so impressed with my purchase. She couldn't get over all my coupons and how I was 'so organized' by laying a coupon on each grouping of items as it came down the belt. Waved my Pet Perks cards for discounts, too.



Bought a bag of Pro Plan and received 4 free Pro Plan cans free. Reg $36.99- on sale for $29.59 ($4.14 for cans)

Busy Bone $2.19, $1 off

Beggin Strips $2.50, $1 off

Kitty treats, BOGO $1.00 each

Kitty treats, two for $1.59 each, $1 coupons for each

Mighty Dog Can, BOGO, 70 cents

Alpo, buy two cans, get one free - bought six, had two coupons, 58 cents each





I had about $11 off in coupons, and ended up paying $41.35 with tax. I think they owe me a free puppy for that transaction! Or at least one of those shelter cats along the south wall...

Mistakes On a Plane!*

Plane photo-op scares NYC workers

People "went into a total panic" said one trader

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he is furious that the federal government flew a presidential Boeing 747 and a fighter jet near ground zero. The incident on Monday caused a brief panic among workers, who said they were not notified in advance.

Bloomberg says the flyover so near the World Trade Center site showed "poor judgment" and was insensitive. He says he is furious that the NYPD and another city agency were notified last week, but did not tell him.


Oh, Great! Right when I'm trying to buy Tamiflu futures, my stock broker goes running through the streets like chicken little. So much for my chance at fortune.


*stolen from the Daily Show. Wish it were mine.

Like What, Craigslist Doesn't Have any Attorney Listings?

BOSTON – The Boston University medical student accused of slaying a 25-year-old masseuse he met on Craigslist owes more than $130,000 in student loans and cannot afford an attorney, according to court papers.

Little No-GTO

Today GM announced it would stop producing new Pontiac models by the end of 2010. This is the end of an era for the once-proud performance brand, but it also leaves a lot of questions for car shoppers and Pontiac owners.

SOB!! I can't handle all this destruction. Sniff. This just really gets my goat. Go ahead. Judge me harshly.

Wettest Spring On Record!

Not rain, nor snow, nor gloom of night will stop us from infecting you...

Whee. We're number one. Wonder if my Corvette floats?

Infectious Thinking

STILL trying to figure out how to make Tamiflu from common household chemicals. You know darn well Rahm isn't going to approve any for me. Or you. He's hoarding it all for his little minions so they can take over the planet before we figure out this was a planned outbreak. To make us forget about the economy.

Eh, Don't Get My Hopes Up

Like my Xenophobia needed any help...

The Spanish flu pandemic, which killed at least 40 million people worldwide in 1918-19, also first struck otherwise healthy young adults.

Does FMLA cover 'cowering inside until most everyone else has died off ', and if so, how many weeks would you estimate that to take?? I have a vegetable garden, some Airborne, and a well.

Now all I need is a bit of Tamiflu, and I may just ride this one out.

Bwha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Cutest Car Ever!

Chrysler LLC is surviving on government loans and has until Thursday to work out a joint venture with Italian automaker Fiat Group SpA.

Who ever thought Fiat would own Chrysler? Where's Lee Iacocca? Bet he sold his stock long ago.

First order of business: Bring back the X 1/9!!!

Former Fiat Owner

Excel-ent Idea

I think I need to make a spreadsheet of my shoes - then I could sort them by color, style, heel height... maybe even a column for last date worn so stock could be rotated properly. Is there a way to put photos in? It does seem to be a choice under 'paste special'.

I Was Hoping for a Cookbook...

Just wanted to elaborate a bit on the book "How to Build a Dinosaur" by Jack Horner. I can't really recommend you rush out and buy the book, parts of it were downright somnifacient, but the central thesis was so intriguing, I really must discuss.

Horner explains the whole conceit of Jurassic Park - finding a mosquito preserved in amber that had dinosaur blood in it from which a whole new dinosaur could be created millions of years later - is a great science fiction story plot, but not necessary. Instead, he suggests efforts towards De-evolution: taking a chicken egg, a bird we know to be closely related to the dinosaur, and reprogramming the egg to grow not a chicken, but a much more primitive creature.

Well, this to me is about the greatest idea since intermittent windshield wipers. I can't wait to get started! Unfortunately, the book did not include do-it-yourself tips or recipes.

Scientists have studied the development of the chicken embryo and can pinpoint the hour in incubation where items like eyes, beaks, or wings are created. By going down to the molecular level of cell development and turning on or off the switches that create a particular appendage, it is possible to grow an arm where a wing would be, or a tail where the spinal cord would normally end. So instead of a modern chicken developing, we could go further back into the evolutionary tree and see... a dinosaur?

Perhaps. No one knows exactly what one looked like. We would have only the fossil record to compare it to, but it's an excellent suggestion and I say full steam ahead! I'd love a little Archaeopteryx or Deinonychus.

Happy Earth Day (not really)

Planet: 1

Humans: 6,775,010,849

It's just not fair, and a crappy 'day' a year isn't going to make it any better. I'm sorry Mother Earth. I'd leave if I could, really.

Humans: 6,775,010,849

Habitable Planets in the Universe? At least that. Yay, let's go mess up some other innocent orb, kids!

Just Keeps Getting Worse

The death toll of Polo Ponies has now risen to twenty one, and I really am thinking Conspiracy Theory here folks....

"Because of the very rapid onset of sickness and death, state officials suspect these deaths were a result of an adverse drug reaction or toxicity," Florida's Department of Agriculture said in a statement announcing its investigation.
"At this time there is no evidence that these horses were affected with an infectious or contagious disease," it said. Famous last words before pandemics

The Lechuza Caracas team is owned by millionaire Venezuelan banker Victor Vargas, who has been playing polo since he was 24, according to the North American Polo League's website. Vargas was re-elected president of the Venezuelan Banking Association in April. Hmmmm. How did he piss off Chavez? Made loans to U.S. interests? Seems his fleet was poisoned.

Will F-f-freeze for F-f-fifty Cents

This morning's forecast? Snow.*

But neither rain, nor sleet, nor gloom of night can keep me from free. Or BOGO. Or cents off.

Shivering, I ran from the nice front parking space I scored at the local Dunkin Donuts and dashed inside. "I don't care how cold it is," I declared, shaking out the collar of my shearling jacket.

"I want my fifty cent Iced Coffee," I said, presenting my coupon with a flourish.

The owner laughed while I tossed my head to remove some precipitation from my curls. "Cream and Splenda, with a low-fat muffin," I finished.

Sure, hot coffee would have tasted better. But the Iced offer was only good today. Take that, Mother Nature!!

Then I found out it was FREE last year. I've been clipped!!!

Damn you, Dunkin Donuts. You got me this time. We'll meet again in the coupon pages, mark my words.

*Yeah. April 21st. The Midwest sucks.

The Da Vinci Follow Up

NEW YORK - The book world has a stimulus plan: a new Dan Brown novel.

Six years after the release of his mega-selling "The Da Vinci Code," the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group announced that Brown's "The Lost Symbol,"* a thriller set during a 12-hour period and featuring "Da Vinci Code" symbolist Robert Langdon, will come out in September.

The first printing will be 5 million copies, Knopf Doubleday said, the highest in the publisher's history but well below the opening 10 million-plus print run for the final "Harry Potter" book. "The Da Vinci Code" has sold more than 80 million worldwide and inspired a spin-off community of travel books, diet books, conspiracy books, parodies and religious works. Awfully optimistic in this economy...

By Monday night, "The Lost Symbol" was No. 1 on Barnes & Noble.com and approaching the top 100 on Amazon.com. In a sign of likely price wars to come, both sites were offering discounts of 40 percent and higher for the $28.95 novel. Did anybody READ the other two novels??

Eager for success, but unprepared for obsession, Brown became increasingly reluctant to make public appearances or talk to the media. His reserve was only magnified by a copyright infringement lawsuit that was decided in his favor, but not before Brown was forced to testify in London and prepare an in-depth brief about his career, writing process and the fury he faced when promoting "The Da Vinci Code." I see him enjoying a cigar with Salman Rushdie...

Inspired in part by the commercial fiction of Sidney Sheldon, Brown is an Amherst College graduate who has said he long gave up on the idea of being a literary writer and instead wanted to write novels read by many. No one can accuse this blog of being too literary...

*Plot synopsis: A band of marauding musicians marches on the Vatican seeking the return of relics from Jesus' All-Apostle Orchestra - no, wait, that was the Lost Cymbal...

Wait For It...

Associated Press

WELLINGTON, Fla. - Veterinarians were waiting for test results Monday to find out why at least 14 polo horses fell ill and died in a short time before their match at a Florida tournament.
The horses from the Venezuela-based Lechuza Caracas team were being unloaded from their trailers Sunday afternoon when two of them collapsed and others acted dizzy and disoriented, according to a statement from the International Polo Club Palm Beach.
"They started getting dizzy," polo club spokesman Tim O'Connor told The Palm Beach Post. "They dropped down right onto the grass."
Veterinarians already at the event quickly tried treating the horses, inserting intravenous lines and trying to cool them down with fans and water. Observers hung blue tarps to shield some of the horses from the crowd's view.
Seven of the horses died on the polo club's grounds and the rest died after they were taken elsewhere.
The match in the U.S. Open Polo Championship was postponed and an exhibition game with a substitute team was held in its place.
The carcasses of at least 14 horses were taken to a state agricultural laboratory for necropsies to learn the causes of their deaths.
"It could be the water, hay, bedding. We just don't know. When we find out what it is, we will take all the necessary actions," John A. Wash, the polo club's president of club operations, told the newspaper.
The polo grounds in Wellington, a wealthy equestrian and golfing community in central Palm Beach County, hosts the U.S. Open every year.


Perhaps they died of....Polio??

Oh, admit it, if I didn't say it, you would have. But really, this is horrible. Not to mention the thought that they were on U.S. soil means what ever they had could now be floating around our country... A little biological warfare from Chavez? Hmmmm....

It's All About the Shoes

Harry Potter and the Blatant Babe Promotion

Check out this post over at The Illuminated Dungeon! It seems Hollywood has finally recognized the real reason Harry Potter movie tickets are sold - Alan Rickman!!

Oh, and I'm sure my cease-and-desist order from AP is in the Cybermail...

Fingernail Friendly!

Look, it's a really long story, and you're not even going to believe major portions of it, but here goes...

Awhile back I had been hearing about how great a deal you could get on a car, since the Big Three were in the throws of bankruptcy, so I did one of those 'find this car' types of Internet engine searches. Specifically, I was seeking an Atomic Orange Corvette Convertible. One hitch - I want a manual transmission. After quite a bit of searching, I did find one - less than 50 miles from my house. Skeptical, I sent an email asking if the car existed. They claimed to have it, but also had 'no haggle pricing'. I don't care for that set-up, but instead use their price to go someplace else and shoot for less than their price so I can feel like I've received a 'deal'. Whatever.

Anyhoo...

Saturday, Al suggests going to this car dealership so we can look at the Vette and he can check out some trucks. He needs a new car desperately. Sad to say, his last Chevy Silverado only lasted ten years, and not because of neglect. He took very good care of it and it has over 200K miles on it, but a rear quarter panel is starting to rust and funny clicking noises are now the norm from the dashboard.

Fine. I agree to go, especially due to the huge outlet mall next to the car place and down the street from the Jelly Belly Factory. At least a bag of belly flops will make the trip worth my while.

Al looks at every truck carefully outside with the salesman while I whimper inside due to lake winds. At the end a a few hours, I ask if he is going to test drive anything. Yes, he says. The Vette.

What? I thought I was here for moral support in the purchase of a pickup.

The Vette is lolling like a house cat in a corner of the tiled showroom, it's bright orange exterior nicely complemented by the "Cashmere" tan upholstery. The doors are so easy to open - a little button - none of the manicure-wrecking chrome torture devices found on my '68. Once in, the car is rather spartan, but far beyond my vintage (read: pre-Nader) experience.

Since it's freezing out, and hearing the interior cabin noise with the top up would be a good opportunity, we ask that the roof be raised. This suddenly entails four clueless sales people looking for the automatic top button. They aren't really listening to us experts regarding the fact this one doesn't come with that feature. Soon all are milling around, looking under seats and behind the steering column; one has the manual in hand (need I note that was the woman?) I lean over to Al and state: I can't wait until we have to bring it back here for service...

Finally, a button is located to pop the top up. Again, this is so much better than carving my hands raw as I do presently on old metal levers teeming with lockjaw. The only real objection I had to the whole car is it seemed difficult to get the top secured down on the front windshield. There was a handle, but it was unwieldy, and I'd really like to see an electric model in motion for comparison.

Al went first, said he heard some wind noise and felt the wind pushing against the car. I have no idea, as on my test drive I was too busy hitting 75 on the expressway while trying to figure out if I was still in third gear. The gears are incredibly tight and I seemed to hang too much on the clutch in first - something a little practice would take care of, but upsetting when you aren't feeling smooth. Overall, very comfortable. I could see long trips in this car.

Trunk space? Non-existent. Golf clubs? Try a putter and one sleeve of golf balls. Shopping? Four shoes. One dress. Nothing bulky from the Megalomart, like cases of soda or laundry baskets.

Bottom Line: a good deal. Original MSRP: $57,500 No Haggle Price because we can't get rid of an '08 and it's well into '09: $44,815. Hmmmm.

Al is like ready to buy the car. Starts talking details with Mr. Salesman. Whoa. Excuse me? Aren't you the one telling me your tech job may evaporate any second now? What happened to the truck? I think that wind noise you heard were actually the Sirens...

As my artist friend observed, it was like a Freaky Friday scenario: there was someone losing all perspective in a new car showroom and it wasn't me! It was him! Yes, that's right, I was the lone voice of reason standing next to a sports car. Spooky.

Did I mention the polished aluminum wheels?

Knute is So Cute...

I just wanted to go swimming with him...

An amateur video shows zookeepers in Berlin trying to drag a woman from the water after she supposedly jumped into a polar bear exhibit.

Amazingly, Americans have not yet cornered the market on 'idiot'...

Onlookers said the polar bears playfully tugged her while she tried to escape. The woman suffered bites to her arms and legs.

Other news reports described the attack as 'brutal' - after viewing the video, I'll go with playful. In the way only a thousand-pound wild predator can be.

Workers distracted the bears by throwing meat and pushing them away with sticks. The woman was treated at a nearby hospital.

Why? It was 'feeding time'. Dead fish gets dull pretty quick, and zoos seem to have some strange issue about keeping the seals and penguins in separate enclosures, so what's a massive carnivore to do?

It's unclear how the woman got in the water, but a witness said she just jumped in.

Perhaps it was part of an Animal Enrichment program. Caged animals get quite bored and can suffer stress. This was the coolest thing they had seen in quite some time. They'd like to welcome their new playmate back soon. Tell those guys with the pesky poles and life preservers to stay home next time.

Collecting Animosity

Nothing wholesome here! Looks more like a Bond Girl.
Specializing in miniature horses?

Specializing in wealthy sheiks? Is that a tiny mint julep in her hand?

Would this bitch stay home already? She's already made me insecure as a Corvette owner and Veterinary school dropout, and now she has to show up at the Kentucky Derby?

As the owner of the winning horse, I'm sure.

Moral: If you have impossible proportions made of plastic, the world is your oyster.

Hmmmm....

I see Blogger has a new feature - you can decide how to display pay-per-click ads on your blog.

So - does anyone know how this works? Have you used ads in the past or are you currently seeking revenue from your blog? Do you get to pick advertisers?

I mean, what if my blog was VeganTimes sponsored by Oscar Meyer or KFC? Do advertisers get to pick you?

In other words, if I say... had a blog... and on that blog... were some personal anecdotes... about my experiences with a certain appliance company... and if said company signed up for Google Ads... and they didn't READ any of the blogs in question... would users potentially come to a landing page all about how MAYTAG SUCKS... and then there was a little picture of the Maytag Repairman on the sidebar asking you click here... and my readers were every bit as sarcastic as myself and clicked it...

Could I get a revenue check from MAYTAG? For outwitting them???

Just wondering. Oh, if you're keeping score, this blog isn't even in the top 25 hits on Yahoo! or Google for Maytag Sucks. That's how many other sites are out there saying the same thing.

Jurassic Easter

It's all fun and games until someone eats the cellophane grass...

Bo Knows

Where the bodies are drowned

Helloooo.... Am I the only one finding the irony in Ted "Chappaquiddick" Kennedy raising dogs trained to act as couriers from ship to shore??

Bo is very cute. However, he's no First Lizard. By the way, are you buying any of that 'second chance' shaggy dog story? Supposedly Bo was previously owned, but relinquished. Yeah, by a Washington insider who puppy-sat for a month as the Obama's got ready to announce the dog on Easter for a feel-good photo-op. That way the President could get the good press of a 'rescue dog' rather than admitting "I'm really powerful, and people will trip over themselves giving me rare puppies to curry favor."

Air Force One - Cadillac One - Piddle One?

Am I the Only One?

Enrolling in Basic Korean at the community college??

Why Did the Turtle (Unsuccessfully) Cross the Road?

Because the evil developer was too cheap to dig an underpass.

A sign is not going to work!!

Seems McHenry County officials think putting up a few "Turtle Crossing" signs is somehow going to save the lives of endangered Blanding's turtles. Read the whole article here.

The marsh, home to the state's second largest colony of Blanding's turtles, is part of a 250-acre nature preserve that abuts Algonquin Road, where traffic zooms by at 40 m.p.h.The turtles prefer laying their eggs on dry ground up to a mile away from water, and their homing instinct tells them to return to their birth area to build their nests.Before development, it was an easy trip. Now, strip malls, subdivisions and roads can make it deadly, which is one reason officials said they will soon be elevated to the state's endangered species list.

Letting them get run over is not the way to move them to the endangered species list. Why not dig a tunnel beneath the road for them? This should have been required when the development plans were approved.

When a developer built a strip mall nearby four years ago, he had to ensure artificial nesting sites were built in the preserve to try to keep the turtles away from the traffic. But some still tried to plod across the road, so when the county widened it to four lanes two years ago, the state asked it to post the "Turtle Crossing" signs.

So now what? Dig the tunnel. Erect Turtle Toll Booths to charge each car a nickel. That way, the toll isn't oppressive and the tunnel will be paid for slowly...like the turtles. Also, no open road tolling. Everyone must sloooww down for the booth.

Points to Ponder

Majoring in Eligibility?


Why is it when they put up a college athlete's stats on the screen, Grade Point Average is not included? I think I have a right to know who's getting an A in Remedial Art History, Rope Jumping for Beginners, or Shaterisims, Season Two.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad...

Why on earth three Derby prep races had to be held on the exact same day, I'm not quite sure, but I successfully selected two winners.

At Santa Anita news of The Pamplemousse's scratch caused me to select Baffert's colt, Pioneerof the Nile.

Normally, I would penalize any pick that was in such blatant disregard to the rules of grammar, but, hey, can't argue with Baffert's skill. I was vindicated.

In an interesting aside, the number two horse was named Chocolate Candy and owned by weight-loss mogul Jenny Craig. No word on whether she would have ate the horse if it performed poorly. (Low Carb! Mmmm!)

I hope The Pamplemousse gets better. I understand he had a sore leg and was unable to run. Railbirds seem to think Pioneerof The Nile is 'learning how to run' and I'll be the first to admit he ran an awful race, despite winning. I interpret it not as immaturity, but rather a willingness to listen - he was in the lead, pulled back, and then urged forward and maintained the lead for the win. It was a strange race that just didn't go the way the jockey and trainer wished it to, yet he won. But the immaturity angle has a solid basis, he's much younger than the other horses and supposedly lost two teeth in the race! Awww... baby teeth. How cute. Glad he didn't choke on them or something.

In the Illinois Derby, I kind of liked Al Khali (Plecher), but it was Musket Man for the win. Really, though, can I trust ANYTHING that takes place near Cicero, IL?? Not really.

But over at the Wood Memorial, great things were happening, and I wish NBC had televised that one as featured instead of Santa Anita. One glance at the card and I had picked my horse based soley on his name: I Want Revenge. I mean, really, how could you not bet on that? Only after a closer inspection did I learn of his great pedigree and home: the same stable that owned Big Brown. I Want Revenge had a tough race and came back from a slow break to penetrate a wall of horses at the end for the win. I was very impressed, and right now he's my Derby pick. Amazingly enough, he lost his first six races but flourished when he was moved from a synthethic track to an old-fashioned dirt surface.

Seems the jury is still out on whether synthetic surfaces reduce injury. I'll be watching for more data as it develops. I want to get over to Arlington more this year, but at the rate the weather is going, I will never see sunshine, much less pull my Vette out of the garage. Right now? April fifth? Big snowstorm. I hate the Midwest. Is there a little anti-heart symbol for that??

I Want a Derby Victory!

Club Med(ical attention needed)

Still going to the health club. Still not seeing results!! (I mean one Pixie... that should work off easily, right?)

Attending diligently, despite the fact the place is so germy I think SARS goes there for Spring Break.

For starters, I hate the parking. If I wanted to walk long distances in the cold fresh air I wouldn't be paying you people, now would I?? The parking spaces are too narrow. I'm sick and tired of businesses thinking they can cram in extra parking by making each space teensy weensy. SUV's are huge, people! The 'general public' has no parking skills and even less regard for how wide they swing their car doors.

I go in and request "my" locker. They don't have enough to actually rent them out, it's get issued a key at the door and take potluck. Ew. I got stuck in a moldy creepy corner with a bunch of wet toddlers exactly once before I started getting assertive at check-in. I pointedly ask for a locker on the end so I can cringe away from the hubbub. I take one of their threadbare washcloths they are trying to pass off as "towels" and brace myself for the petri dish that is the women's changing area. Who puts indoor-outdoor carpeting in a locker room? Is that the most unsanitary thing you have ever heard? Forty gallons of chlorine bleach couldn't help this place. Yick.

Wednesdays are Kick Boxing night. Participants are exhorted to punch at their own noses as reflected on the wall of mirrors at the front of the room. Perfect for the self-loathing narcissist like myself!

An announcement is made that the Friday Yoga Class is now moving to 5:30 a.m. Yes, I heard that correctly. Five-Thirty A. M. .... Like how is that relaxing? Am I allowed sleep on a mat Thursday night in the multi-purpose room?? Because that's the only way I'm getting there that early, that's for sure. Namaste must secretly mean "weed out the wimps".

On the way out I noticed a closed-circuit TV behind the desk. Four views of various areas of the club were broadcast simultaneously. "What's that," I ask. "The Klutz Cam? So you can see if someone falls?"

I imagine the call over the loudspeaker now: "Potential Lawsuit on Racquetball Court, Stat!"

It troubles me no cameras are pointing at any thing important. Like my car.

New Rykas!

I may still be the klutziest one in aerobic class, but I now have the cutest shoes!
Isn't that what really matters?

Highly Recommended!

Tortoise Torturer Sentenced, but Supporters Threaten Revenge

How sick is this?

Jose "Tony" Mosqueda, who was 18 at the time of his arrest, pleaded no contest in September and was sentenced on Nov 5, 2007 to 270 days in jail and five years probation for felony animal cruelty. Mosqueda was prohibited from owning or having access to pets. His jail will be reduced for time served -- 110 days -- and good behavior -- another 55 days.Prosecutors said Mosqueda snatched the 40-pound African spurred tortoise from a back yard on July 7, slashed its legs and neck, punctured its shell and threw it against a wall.The tortoise survived, and Mosqueda was also ordered to pay $5,400 in veterinary bills and other associated costs of treatment.

Meanwhile, the family who owns the tortoise says their pain continues, and the ordeal has been particularly hard on a 12-year-old autistic boy who was making great strides in his development before the vicious attack. The boy's mother, Dorothy Sullivan, said the tortoise, named Bob, was her son's lifeline "out of the silent world of autism," KNBC's Chuck Henry reported."Bob brought out my son's speech, and allowed him to interact with the world," Sullivan said. "Since Bob's attack, my son has struggled; he has regressed tremendously."

Sullivan also claims the family has been threatened, and she says the family's dachshund was poisoned because she refused to drop the charges against Mosqueda. Police said they were continuing to investigate.

"We have received death threats, and I was told [my son and I] would 'Get one in the head if we did not drop the charges'... " Sullivan said. "I have had to put my son in therapy, and his seizures have returned. He had been seizure-free for a year prior to this event. After years of working with my son, he was having his best year. [But] ... now my son is afraid that he will be taken and harmed. It is difficult for an autistic child to trust enough to leave the silent world of autism, and my son had finally emerged into our world. Now we have to fight to keep him from going silent again."

Some People Love Turtles

Paterson, USA - Members of a Buddhist sect bought hundreds of eels, frogs and turtles and set them free in the Passaic River, hoping they would survive in the once-polluted stream and realize their karmic potential.

The act did nothing for the karma of the state Department of Environmental Protection, which said the Amitabha Buddhists did not have a permit and may be subject to fines up to $1,000. Permits are required for releasing critters into the wild, and New Jersey is reluctant to issue them for anything beyond stocking fish ponds because of concern that nonnative species could harm the local ecosystem.

"We're dead-set against it," DEP biologist Mark Boriek told the Herald News of West Paterson. "It's even illegal to stock any kind of carp or goldfish in New Jersey in a place with an inlet or outlet." The Passaic has been cleaned up in recent years and Boriek said the animals released Sunday might have a chance of survival.

Authorities said they had not found members of the New York-based Buddhist group yet, but the newspaper said it talked to one member, Ann Chin. She said their intent was save the animals, bought in New York's Chinatown, that had been destined for dinner tables. "When I pass by the fish market, I cry," Chin said. "I tell people: 'Stop killing them.' Then: 'Don't eat them.' Then your heart goes to mercy."

Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Turtle Killer to Live

There's disturbing, and then there's this article which will keep me up nights, well, forever.

So of course, I'm compelled to share it with you. Your reaction may vary, but I think you'll understand the part that bothers me! To bring you up to speed, a Wilmette man named Wiley killed his second wife and stepson on February 28. He then spent a day or so composing a 43 page manifesto of hurts and observations before turning the gun on himself.

His wife Kathy was a employee and member at the First Presbyterian church next door. And yes, she knew all about those pesky fifteen years her new husband spent in prison for stabbing his first wife 23 times. But she married him three months after release, claiming she could handle anything that came their way.

Wiley used a Civil War replica rifle his stepson loved to use in historical reenactments for the human killings. (I'm surprised a bit that it was a working firearm - do they shoot blanks at events?) But wait. The loss of a seriously-look-on-the-sunny-side-type of woman and her Boy Scout volunteer son is only part of the tragedy. There's more...

The rambling 43-page suicide note left by a man who killed his wife and teenage stepson last month in their Wilmette home is peppered with self-pity over his broken ankle, treatment for bipolar disorder and what he described as a crumbling marriage."I could not fight off the suicide dreams," wrote Richard Wiley, 54, who police say murdered his wife Kathryn Wiley-Motes, 50, and her son Christopher Motes, 17, on the afternoon of Feb. 28, and killed himself the following evening. (To see a page of the letter click HERE.)

Wiley also described how he killed the family's turtle, three cats, four small birds, and a parrot and wrote, "Our little loved ones could not be trusted to anyone else."He told police where they could find the animals' bodies, along with those of his wife and stepson.In some ways, Wiley seemed more upset about killing the pets than his wife and stepson."She looked at me when I caught her with a knowing look," he wrote of a cat. "When I stabbed her she looked again. This one hurt me deeply."

Sicko. Can you just imagine the little terrapin trying to run away? Sniff. I have to go now. This is too upsetting!

Auto Abuse!! Repeat Offender!

FT. LAUDERDALE -- A Porsche apparently involved in a fatal hit-and-run accident that made headlines in Florida and England belongs to the son of a wealthy Chicago-area family, authorities said today. Police said the sports car, which they believed mowed down two British tourists as it raced along State Road A1A on Feb. 13, belonged to Ryan LeVin, a Hoffman Estates man who is heir to the Jewels by Park Lane fortune. LeVin, 34, said he was not behind the wheel that night.

Witnesses called 911 minutes before the two businessmen were struck to report that a Porsche appeared to be racing another light-colored sports car along Seabreeze Boulevard.The Porsche jumped the curb, cutting the men down from behind, within 50 yards of the Courtyard by Marriott hotel, police said.LeVin's damaged Porsche 911 Turbo was found abandoned less than an hour later on the northbound ramp of Interstate Highway 595 to Interstate 95.

Cook County court records show that LeVin was sentenced to 30 months' probation in November 2007 after leading Chicago police on a high-speed pursuit in a blue 2001 Porsche Targa. Police estimated he reached speeds of 100 m.p.h. during the July 31, 2006, chase, and he struck several vehicles and injured a police officer and two motorists, according to police reports.After the Chicago chase, police found cocaine in LeVin's car, according to court records. He initially was charged with seven felonies and ultimately pleaded guilty to one of them: aggravated fleeing.

Illinois: Land O' Graft

Sounds Like a Deal to Me...

NEW ORLEANS — A Louisiana woman is accused of trading two young children in her care for a pet cockatoo and $175 cash from a couple who had been trying for years to have their own child, authorities said Thursday.

The transaction for the 5-year-old boy and the 4-year-old girl was negotiated by phone after Greenwell spotted a flier posted at a livestock barn selling a cockatoo for $1,500 and called the Romeros on Feb. 18, Dupre said.

Surprised? I'm Not

Maytag Corp. of Newton, Iowa, is recalling about 1.6 million refrigerators due to an electrical failure in the relay — the component that turns on the refrigerator’s compressor — that can cause overheating and pose a serious fire hazard. What's a few flames between friends??

Maytag has received 41 reports of refrigerator relay ignition, including 16 reports of property damage ranging from smoke damage to extensive kitchen damage. Try more like HUNDREDS of reports before they would do anything. These 41 are just from people with lawyers and airtight cases. The other several hundred could be dismissed as "consumer negligence". I mean, who leaves an appliance plugged in all the time? You should unplug it when you leave the house. To get the mail.

The recall includes certain Maytag, Jenn-Air, Amana, Admiral, Magic Chef, Performa by Maytag and Crosley brand side-by-side and top-freezer refrigerators.


Moral of the story: Maytag sucks harder than an open door on the space shuttle.

Oh, I Can So Relate!

PHILADELPHIA - A man enraged by a noisy family sitting near him in a movie theater on Christmas night shot the father of the family in the arm, police said.
James Joseph Cialella, 29, of Philadelphia, told the man's family to be quiet, then threw popcorn at the man's son, police said. The victim told police that Cialella was walking toward his family when he stood up and was shot.

Hey, he just wanted a Silent Night. Is that too much to ask? A jury of MY peers would never convict this guy. I think he should get three years probation - and a Netflix account.

Dream Job

I love fossils! I'm obsessively clean. I'd love to clean Sue the Tyrannosaur at the Field Museum!

Happy Ending

The nightly news gave this story a large segment. It seems 67 dogs were stacked (some in birdcages) in a West Englewood home.

The camera did a slow pan of all these tiny Chihuahua and other toy-breed puppies... stopping at a snake tank, where a lone (rat?) snake looked for an escape. Immediately, as a snake lover, I wanted to adopt that poor serpent stuck amid the squalor. Then I thought for a moment... hmmm... lots of puppies. One snake. No mention of rats.... Wonder what our slithery little friend has been eating lately?? Would he turn up his tongue at "real" snake food?

Fortunately, the story has a happy ending. You'll note a local herpetologist stepped forward and took the snake. A pack of dog lovers has descended on the shelter to take in the other victims.

Anniversaries of Note

Anniversaries of Note:

Very Hungry Caterpillar - 40 years old

You don't look a day over metamorphosis

Sponge Bob - ten years old Time to put him in the microwave

Dilbert - 20 years of working in a cubicle

Ummmmm....

Could Contend!

After reading this fantastic review, the new Volkswagen CC could be a contender for my next new car purchase.