Why I Hate America

As mentioned before, I’ve really procrastinated about getting a passport. For, oh, about, 32 years. Since I’ve never gone anywhere or done anything – in short “No Life” – it’s never been an issue. Just an “I really should” and “someday I’ll…”. Yeah. Right. Whatever.

So when all the hoopla of “Now You Really Need One or We Won’t let You Back in from Canada*” came up, I thought I really should get around to it. Sometime. Whenever.

First, I got the forms. Back in December, I think. Went to my local post office and picked them up easily. Found out that the post office in next town over would take the completed application, as would the courthouse. I’m on my way!

Fortunately they were festooned with obnoxious orange headers which made them easy to spot as they spent the next six months moving from ‘to do’ pile to ‘just make a neat stack’ pile to ‘I really need to get to this pile’.

Read forms. Filled out simple questions. Argued with Mr. Right about how Hazel is Light Brown, and his eyes are NOT Light Brown, not even close, just put down Blue, damnit! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!

Shuffle papers.

Applied to get a ‘certified’ copy of my birth certificate. Ranted about how many people can’t prove they are in this country legally, yet my legitimacy is questioned to the tune of $17. Wait another week.

Received proof that I am indeed alive. Lamented fact that there is no fee to pay in order to ‘Get A Life’, as this would be far more useful.

Had Al take my picture. Worried I wouldn’t look ‘innocent’ enough for customs. Worried when photo is flashed on nightly news next to phrase Suspected Al Qaida Operative the girls from High School will say, “Well she certainly has put on some weight!” before getting to: “I always knew she would amount to no good”.

Spent an afternoon discovering there is no way to resize a photo with the crappy software that came with the computer, and figured the next 20 minutes is not the time to try Photoshop out for the first time. Decided that will be my next Procrastination Project.
Wondered if the whole 2” X 2” thing was some plot to keep people from doing their own photos so they could charge $6 for an ugly DMV photo.

Went to appointed post office after work. Big signs greeted me, “Now Open Until 7 p.m.”

Stood in line. Stood. Stood. Wondered why these idiots haven’t learned the joys of on-line bill pay. Stood. Stood. Don’t really care about your kid at college. If he can’t figure out how to pick up his mail, is he really college material? Stood.

“Hi, I’m here for the passport…”

“I’m sorry. We only do passports until 4:30 p.m. Next!!”

Excuse me? Only to 4:30? How did I miss that on your big sign? Oh, wait, IT WASN’T THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This whole passport scam is working like a charm! Now I WANT to leave the country. Forever!!!! Uncle Sam can let some third world blogger come in and do my complaining for pennies on the dollar. I should have asked for some old Priority Mail Boxes. They look pretty waxy. Just give me a shove towards Cuba, I bet Fidel would love to see me. He wouldn’t ask for no stinkin’ passport…



*You know, NASCAR started due to some moonshiners trying to out run the law. I’ve always thought Mr. Right would be a prime candidate for being a prescription drug runner for old people…

Owen, what were you thinking?

Owen Wilson drops out of Stiller movie

...had been due to take part in Tropic Thunder, directed by friend and long-time collaborator Ben Stiller.
However trade journals Daily Variety and the Hollywood reporter said Wilson had now dropped out of the film, which began shooting in Hawaii recently.

NO!! That's Career Suicide!! Nooooooooooo!!! Where's his agent? Get him on the set!! That's a loss of ten million dollars!!! Nooooooooo!!! Suck up some Prozac and get to work!!! Like who can be all 'woe is me' in Hawaii? Didn't see Magnum P.I. crying into his umbrella drink, now did you? Book 'em Dano! On charges of Self-Absorption with Intent to Wallow.

A Special Message From Al

Dear Mr. Stiller:

I can only imagine how distraught you are at the personal turmoil of good friend and Tropic Thunder co-star, Owen Wilson. With days to go before shooting on location in Hawaii, Mr. Wilson had to regretfully drop out of your production.

But, as they say, the show must go on.

Which is why I would like to offer my services as a funny, blond heart-throb.

Oh, sure, my nose is annoyingly small, pert and perfect, but I'm short! 5'7" or so, almost an inch shorter than you. Imagine how good you'll look.

Call me!

Mr. Right

P.S. Next time you visit Owen, say "Hi" to my wife. (Owen got my wife -I got his job - win-win!!)

Spin Out City

AUTO ABUSE!!

Here’s one for the “Too much money, Too much horsepower, Too little brains” file.

Once again an idiot celebrity has destroyed an innocent super car with callous disregard. This time the victim is a Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster LP640. (The 640 stands for the horsepower of the car - !)
It has 12 cylinders, cost $353,400, and was seriously damaged in the incident.

Bear’s linebacker Lance Briggs abandoned the car on the Edens Expressway in Chicago shortly after crashing it around 3 a.m. He initially reported the car had been stolen. This has led to speculation he fled the scene to avoid charges of driving while impaired. Right now, there is no evidence to that effect. Or more than speculation that he may have been coming home from a dog fight... At any rate, he needs to be punished!

I’d like to see some public outrage along the lines of Michael Vick here, people!!

One of my favorite bloggers, Jennsylvania, led the charge to put public pressure on corporations using Vick as a sponsor to drop him after dog fighting charges were filed. Jen actively works to rescue and rehabilitate pit bulls, knowing firsthand the damage that dog fighting can cause. As a sports car aficionado, I would likewise urge others who feel as I do to join me in demanding spoiled celebrities lose custody of their cars once it is proven they don’t deserve them. These vehicles should be then adopted by loving owners who have proven they can care for a fine automobile. You know, people like myself.

Speaking of the La Brea Tar Pits

Louise: There’s a special on the National Geographic channel about the Dire Wolf and how the grey wolf succeeded while they died out…

Me: Cool! Thanks for telling me, I love that stuff. I’ll turn it on.

***(next day)***

Louise: Did you turn on the NG channel? I watched the Dire Wolf, the Saber Toothed-Tiger and the buffalo specials…

Me: I saw some of the first two. You know what caused the extinction of the Dire Wolf? The rise of the mighty NASCAR. Seems Intimidius Minoris edged them out every commercial break, so I didn’t quite get to see everything. We really need two TVs.

Skate N' Stumble

Distraught from yesterday’s loss of skating time, I decided to go straight from work to the bike path tonight in the hopes of getting in some much-needed exercise.

After lacing up, I was barely underway when a bicyclist warned me the cracks in the pavement had been ‘tarred’. Even he was having a problem with it grabbing at his bike tires, and was unhappy with the decision to spread sticky goo on the trail rather than undertake proper repairs.

My guess is the powers-that-be figured it would look like they were ‘maintaining’ the trail to the throngs of holiday revelers out and about over the Labor Day weekend.

In reality, other than a few mowings along the sides of the trail, very little is ever done in the way of care for the trail. What they need to do is use a street-sweeper on it twice a week. I pay taxes. Heck, I’ll even donate extra money to the cause, if they would keep the leaves and twigs off it. They never consider the rollerblader. Only the bicyclists. Frequently sections of the trail will be little gaps of gravel, or gaping holes. Perhaps this is of little consequence to a mountain bike, but to an inline skater, it’s a huge health hazard.

Sure enough, as I start to skate I see hundreds of thin lines where a fresh rubbery black coating has been applied to cracks along the pavement. The vertical ones don’t bother me; I can usually skate to the right or left of them with a swooping ease. It’s the horizontal ones that are the killers. They require an actual ‘hop’ over the fault line, rather than the regular side-to-side gliding motion. So instead of push-glide, push-glide, push-glide - my journey became: skate, skate, hop; skate, skate, hop, hop, skate, swoosh, skate, skate, hop… One false move and my little rubber wheel would snag in the rubbery glop jerking me to the pavement with the force of a freight train. Not a pleasant thought.

Did I mention it was 90 degrees out at 5:30 p.m.? Although I couldn’t go faster than .02 miles per hour, the effort of leaping over ‘fills’ had my forehead starting to perspire. The black tar bubbled with anticipation as it awaited my misstep. Like the La Brea Tar Pits, it gurgled knowingly, lying in wait for that foolish creature bound to become ensnared…

I did less than four miles before giving up. In these weather conditions, the tar might not cure until next season. Between the twigs, leaves, and tar, I became extremely discouraged. I may have to seek out some new paths for the remainder of the season – or switch to biking. Anything that keeps me moving faster than the mosquitoes!

Why Does she Bother Calling?

Mom: Oh my, have you seen the news? The stock market continues to fall! I’m so worried.

Me: And when they declare size-six shoes as currency I’ll own this planet and everyone on it! Bwha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!! Slaves! You’ll all be my slaves!!

Tried to Let Him Down Easy

Owen Wilson suicide attempt!!!

Owen, babe - I love you, really; but it would never work between us. I’m already married, and you have major commitment issues. Sure, you’re gorgeous and rich. But honest, I need to stay here in this crappy little Main Street town and pour my problems out into cyberspace. You can live the Hollywood jet-set life with out me.

Or, maybe not.

Here's a great article about how much Hollywood really cares about my cutie...

And another thing: what is it about despondency that makes you 'slash a wrist'? Does Freud have something to say about that body part? Why not just take a bath with your toaster and get it over with? Now Owen's going all Sylvia Plath on us? What next? Rehab Crashers? You, Me and the Easy Bake Oven of End-it-All?

Speaking of Strange Butterflies...

Here's a great Maxim article about the disappearance of Philip Taylor Kramer. Love those Conspiracy Theories! Keep 'em coming.


He sounds like a nut, but I've never believed there to be a speed limit to the universe, so I can understand his quest. Not to mention how much I love In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida!

Hog Mild

Me: (Examining white Harley T-Shirt with purple dots across shoulder left atop Evil Maytag Washer) What's this?

Al: A shirt I want you to pre-treat for the laundry.

Me: Do you know what the stain is? Looks like berries....

Al: Butterfly.

Me: (stifling snicker) Butterfly?

Al: I hit a butterfly on my bike. If I would have known, I would have worn a black T Shirt.

Me: (soaking shirt with "Shout" and watching the purple turn to a sickly olive green) Yeah, those roving bands of butterflies are bad news - better tell all the guys over a beer.

Only My Mother

See? Room looks better already.

Me: Wow, Al installed the new fan in our office! It's really nice, makes a huge difference.

Mom: Oh, wasn't that dangerous, working with the electricity?

Me: What's the big deal? There were two wires. He had a 50-50 chance.

Speaking of Mildew...

I took the day off to Rollerblade, yet here I sit watching the pouring rain ruin my just-washed car.

I demand a refund on summer 07!!

Exactly How Much Does it Suck?

Sad to say, but my diatribe on precisely how much Maytag Sucks continues to generate hits. This hapless blogger stopped by to share my pain, so please check out her blog: Are We There Yet?

How much do I hate Maytag? Let's just say I hope the CEO's toddler is chewing on a toy made in China right now.

Maytag Sucks. Not to mention stinks.

Soggy Bloggy

Haven't written in a whale's age, but I've been seriously bummed out by the Wettest August on record for Northern Illinois!!

Somewhere, Al Gore is snickering...

The Bog Days of Summer have ruined all the activities I would normally be enjoying - driving my convertible, rollerblading, watching the grass turn brown and crackly.

On the plus side, I watched a ton of movies and read a few books, which I'll be critiquing here soon. Stay tuned dry.

At The Big Box Store

Me: Do you have Russian Sage?

Bored Teen leaning on cash register: We've got some sage in the back. (sweeping hand gesture that encompasses the rear half-acre of plants held in the 'lock up' of Lawn and Garden Center) But I dunno if it's Russian.

Me: Don't you check passports? No wonder this country has immigration issues.



Perovskia atriplicifolia

Oh, Admit it!

Ever vacuum up a bee and become afraid to turn the motor off?

700 Club!

This is my 700th post!

Now I'm just ticked I didn't do something special for 666.

Save the Spindle!!

Dear Burrr-wyyyynnnn...

(this is the only correct pronunciation if you grew up watching a fuzzy Chicago TV station late at night, as I did. Assuming you could get the antenna rotor to turn just right...)

I would like to offer your Car-Ka-Bab a home. My back yard. That's right. I've got the room, and a nice highway view. Can't contribute to moving costs, but I think it would be just the thing to piss off the city officials in my neck of the woods. And that's what this is all about, right?

Why isn't Sven speaking out? Visit savethespindle.com

SOS...SOS!
Son of Svengoolie, Save Our Spindle!!

Suck it up, Soldier!

Now comes word that my cute little Cars collectibles have dangerous lead paint on them - from China!! Not like I was going to open the packaging and lick any, but still.

The chairman of Mattel is saying they will 'test every batch of toys'.

Why? Why is the burden on us? If you own stock in Mattel, tell them this is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Gosh, I've got an idea - why not pull the contract from China? Hire some US of A workers to make toys that are slightly more expensive for American kids? Maybe there's a reason it's called the Forbidden City.

My Senator is on TV saying basically the same thing - test items from China. NO!! Stop allowing Chinese products into the country!! Oh, wait. Big business owns Mattel. Not to mention my Senator. Never mind. You'd think I'd ingested some lead or something. I forget.

China wants entry back into our market?
Sure, as long as we are the sole suppliers for the following toys to them. (Hint: We're giving the bid to Wal-Mart)

Chinese Checkers

Kites

Dominos

Mahjong

Tea Sets

Should this little tidbit be of any surprise to my loyal Maytag-hating readers?

China is trying to buy companies with strong global brands. Chinese appliance maker Haier was rebuffed in 2005 when it tried to acquire Maytag, which fell into the arms of Whirlpool.

Maytag sucks! So does China. Amazed that fell through.

The Little Engine that Could Undercut the Competiton

Thomas the Test-Score Lowering Tank Engine reminds you to brush with Chinese toothpaste!

Will This Train Wreck Even Leave the Station?

Van Halen set for a concert tour? With David Lee Roth as lead singer? Seems I've heard this one before. Think I'll pass. Will they record any new material? Do more than three shows?

As one of the few who thinks there is a place in this world for both Van Halen and Van Hagar, I'd like to take this opportunity to point out the band's problem is NOT the lead singer, but Eddie. I mean, he's down to working with his son - so it's 3 Van Halens to one... What, don't they have some cousin who can sing?

Who cares? Sammy is doing great, and that's the important thing.

You Go, Girl!

Attended the 25th running of the Arlington Million horse race Saturday. (Any event that combines horses and the wearing of big hats is a winner in my book!)





Braved the oppressive heat to watch horses from around the world compete on the composite track and turf in some Grade 1 races.





Last year, there was no problem obtaining seats the day of the race, but this year they were sold out and we had to bake in the direct sun on a park bench.





I didn't make ANY good picks all day, until the Million. I picked Jambalaya to win, making my Major Stakes Picks for this year 3 out of 4. I accurately picked the winners of the Preakness, Belmont and Million; but missed calling the Kentucky Derby correctly.





The neat thing about the Canadian gelding Jambalaya is that his owner/trainer is a woman.





Here's the horse we SHOULD have had our money on - the only one hall of fame jockey Earlie Fires rode all day.





Spotsgone, winner of the Sea O'Erin, trained by his brother William Fires.

Jambalaya
With Owner/Trainer Catherine Day Phillips

Dazed and Confused

It's the End of Western Civilization!!!!!! *


Right after I hail Robert Plant's Mighty Rearranger as one of the most important albums of the century (most certainly #1 of the decade), he announces plans to make a bluegrass record!!!

NOooooooooooooo!!!!!! Although I am such a rabid fan of Plant's voice I would buy a recording of him reading the phone book, I hated the album Walking into Clarksdale.

Please Robert, if you're reading this: More Black Dog. Less Bluegrass.

*Hmmm. Second time this week I've sounded that alarm. I have a good future ahead of me in Homeland Security, wouldn't you agree?

They Can Put a Man on the Moon...

But they can't make him phone home.

Me: Where have you been?

Al: At my Mom's.

Me: Why didn't you call?
(Chime sound: be-boo-be-baa)

Al: I Oooh! (squinting at tiny screen) My "Sudoku of the Day" just arrived. Did you say something?



Funny. Al has the new Moto Q that can aim the Hubble telescope from his palm, but it lacks the "call wife" feature. Oh, wait, that was an additional $9.99 per month. Never mind.

See You Next (geta) Life

BEIJING (AFP) - Tibetan living Buddhas are no longer allowed to be reincarnated without permission from the atheist Chinese government, state media reported Friday.

The new rules are "an important move to institutionalise the management of reincarnation of living Buddhas," the Xinhua news agency said.
According to the regulations, which take effect on September 1, all reincarnation applications must be submitted to religious affairs officials for approval, Xinhua said.

Oh, man, and I've been procrastinating about filling out my Passport paperwork...

How to Waste an Hour of Your (geta)Life

10 Minutes - steam press dress
25 Minutes - wash car
25 Minutes - Flat iron hair in Posh Spice approximation

Leave house looking like a million bucks.

Sit in car. Ruin dress.

Drive to work in light rain. Ruin car.

Walk to door of work in high humidity. Ruin hair.

Why, why, why did I buy a linen dress?
Stop Me Before I Shop Again!
Oh, wait, it was on sale.

Crinkle-ly in Chicago

It's a Miserable (geta)Life

I've always wanted to make a movie showing the REAL outcome of "It's a Wonderful Life".

You know, the one where George Bailey finds out how much happier everyone would have been if he'd never been born...

Like how his family was much better off financially with fewer kids; so they had better and more food for Harry, who then had the strength needed to pull himself out out the freezing pond.

And Mary Hatch marries Mr. Potter instead and enjoys the life of luxury she deserves...

Yeah. That movie.

(Hmmm... Seppuku Doku... I need to use that in a future post)

Look For the Union Label

AP) CHICAGO Do bloggers need their own Norma Rae?

In a move that might make some people scratch their heads, a loosely formed coalition of left-leaning bloggers are trying to band together to form a labor union they hope will help them receive health insurance, conduct collective bargaining or even set professional standards.

Look for the union label
when you are surfing to read 'bout a coat, dress or blouse.

Remember somewhere our union's typing,
our rages trying to inform the kids, and run the house.

We work hard, but who's complaining?
Thanks to the Blogosphere we're saying it our way!

So always look for the union label,
it says we're able to post it in the U.S.A.!

No Time To Blog!

...Have to go to the store and buy a life vest.

No, I'm not going boating. I'm driving to Minneapolis.

Shark Week!

It's the 20th anniversary of Shark Week, and once again I'm overcome with the desire to move to a tiny tropical island and worship sharks.

Oh, admit it. You'd do the same to miss the 2008 elections.

Here's a link to a great Reuter's video report on a rare sighting of a frilled shark: http://www.reuters.com/news/video/videoStory?videoId=4017

(I didn't see a way to embed the video, sorry. Do check it out.)

TLickle Me Elmo

CHICAGO (Reuters) - U.S. consumers were unaware for days that retailers were pulling Elmo, Big Bird and other Mattel Inc. toys from shelves last week because of a potential lead-paint hazard.

Mattel said Wednesday it was recalling 1.5 million Chinese-made toys worldwide because their paint might contain too much lead. Of those, 967,000 were recalled in the United States.


And we'll all miss Thomas the Fatigue-Causing, Test-Score Lowering Tank Engine...

Gosh, how much more proof do YOU need that China is trying to kill us?

Oh, wait, they'll just execute another inspector and everything will be all hunky-dory again. A few pets, a few kids, that's just the hidden cost of Low Low Prices Everyday!!

Elmo sad he toxic

Window Into My (Geta)Life

End of the World as we Know it

No more RSX S-Type??

What is this planet coming to?

I demand to see the Emperor!

Actual Conversations (Your Recollections May Vary)

Al: Hi, Honey. I was just worried about you - it's 9:30 and you aren't home yet.

Me: Sorry, there was an emergency bathing suit sale at TJMaxx. I had to try on all the bikinis. I'm on my way home now. Got a good one.

Al: OK. Your mom called. She wants to talk to you, said you can call late.

Me: Thanks! Love you, be home soon. *** Mom?

Mom: Oh, thanks for calling back, it wasn't anything all that important.

Me: Not like my trauma.

Mom: What trauma?

Me: Didn't you hear? They stopped making my model of Acura. How dare they! I finally found a car to love!!

Mom: That's not trauma. Wait until they stop making the only bra that fits you.

Me: No comparison. Oh, I got a new bathing suit.

Mom: One or Two piece?

Me: Two. But all they have nowadays is brown.

Mom: Brown? That does sound strange.

Me: This one has some peach. Not bad. Wish they still made Yum-Yum Yellow though.

************************************************

Al: Did you find a web page called Sprint Sucks yet?

Me: Um, no... did you want me to start one?

Keep it Fields!!!

It's not too late!!


Which best describes your view of Macy's & the name change from Field's?

Vote now!

Click here for the whole article:

"Since Macy's took over, sales on State Street alone are down about 20 percent, according to McMillan Doolittle, a retail consulting firm in the Loop."

Because GAL is no longer shopping there, no doubt.

"Even a year later shoppers characterize the Macy's brand as an out-of-towner with a whole lot of attitude. "

Told you so.

CBS 2 was scheduled to interview a Macy’s spokesperson Thursday, but the company canceled because of the terrible incident in its State Street store Wednesday night. A man committed suicide by jumping from an eighth-floor balcony.

Don't jump! Just voice your opinion! Next protest rally: 9/9/07

See you under the clock!!

I've Been Reading

Look me in the Eye
by John Elder Robinson

Yes, another "boo-hoo I was abused" memoir. But this one is excellent. Because there is no boo-hooing, among other reasons.

You may know Robinson's brother Augusten Burroughs, author of Running With Scissors. I thought many of the stories in that book were 'enhanced', but the bottom line, of course, was the abuse.

Augusten encouraged his brother to write of his upbringing and view of the world as a person with asperger's. The result is a wonderfully honest look at how Robinson copes with a world that just doesn't get him. Wow, that sure hits close to home! I give this an A.

How to Talk to a Widower
by Jonathan Tropper

How can this guy get any better? Yet book after book, he does!

Great writing, awesome characters, sharp and funny yet scenes of real life. Highly recommended. A.

These Shoes Were Made For Stalking

You wouldn't believe how many things I already have to go with these... No, wait, you would.

Overheard in the Nine West Outlet…

"They have those cool zebra sandals here, but only one size left."

What? The Shoe Predator with freakishly small feet pricks up her ears. Zebra sandals? I don’t have zebra sandals. I’ve been roaming this huge store for twenty minutes without one purchase, and now this little tidbit drifts past my ears?

Must. Find. Zebra. Sandals.

I begin to slowly scour the aisles. Asking a clerk might startle them off – better to sneak up on them quietly – score!!! Just my size. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I win!

(Note to self: do not store next to open-toe leopard pumps. Things could get messy.)

Veni, Vedi, Visa

We came. We saw. We bought it all!

That pretty much sums up my shopping trip to Kenosha with Louise...

She's the only person who can shop (or whatever activities we have planned for that day) from sun up to well past sun down.

To start the day, we toured the Jelly Belly factory! It's a great FREE tour, and I recommend it to anyone coming through the area. Well, that is, if you don't mind spending 45 minutes with with two to three dozen over-sugared kids. I sucked it up in the name of 'discount confectionery' and lived to tell about it, so you can too.

Photo Cannot Be Displayed

(I was supposed to get a picture from Louise to put here...Ahem?)

So you get a paper hat and sit on a dorky train and scoot around their warehouse, and then...Exit Through The Gift Shop!!! (The only motivation for most things in my life. Now I understand why Bridezillas go through all that wedding crap - they get to exit through the gift shop in a manner of speaking. Also, same deal if you have a good divorce lawyer.)

In the store area, they have bags of "Belly Flops" - assorted Jelly Bellys that are seconds and sold at a great discount. Yep. I paid $8 for floor-sweepins.

Really, they had some cool stuff, including the gross Harry Potter beans and T-Shirts, etc. Stocked up on a lot of sweet treats to share at work.

Then we zipped over to the outdoor outlet mall for a beautiful summer day of...Shopping!!! Ok, so it wasn't hiking by a mountain stream. The forecast that day was for rain, so just a nice bonus that we didn't get wet, ok?

How much money that Prime Outlets mall lost by closing at the ridiculously early hour of nine p.m. will never be known, but I'm sure it was significant. Honestly, when they tally up our receipts, they will name a special sale day after us.

I hope they at least invite us to the ribbon-cutting ceremony when they install that NEW RESTROOM FACILITY we demanded at the southeast end of the mall via 'comment card' .

I swear, the place was humongous and in serious need of more bathrooms. You can advertise 157 shops all you want, but two bathrooms? I don't think so!

Time spent walking back to your non-existent food court (three lousy food booths? Who are you kidding? I wanted a water and a pretzel to keep my stamina up, is that too much to ask?) is time not spent spending $$$$!

Taste O’ the Terrapin

After the zoo, we headed over to the Taste of Chicago to see what all the fuss was about. It was over 90 degrees that day, and let me tell you – that whole ‘cooler by the lake’ thing is a crock. It was quite sticky and – my favorite – populated. We dutifully bought some tickets and received a little map of the stands. I identified the items I wanted immediately, and headed right for the Eli’s Turtle Cheesecake. Yum! Then we wandered about trying a few other items. I overheard someone in the crowd saying it was not as crowded as in previous years. I’m guessing the heat kept some people away (fine with me) as there weren’t long waits for food, and you could reasonably make it down the asiles. I made a bee-line to BB’s for their famous turtle soup.

This young man was dressed as a turtle to drum up business. He told me he had no idea what kind of turtles were in the soup, he just sold it. Undaunted, I tried a cup. No chunks of meat or vegetables to be had, just a thick cream. Mmm….Pretty good!

Blog Days of Summer

Ok, so it’s been more like the no-blog days. But I must enjoy every jacket-free moment to its fullest! And with only a desk top and dial up, there’s no sitting beneath a shady tree to blog to my little heart’s content. So to recap the last few weeks: I went with Al to Chicago, to Kenosha with Louise and to Galena with the Vette. Well, Al was there too. And I never got quite to downtown Galena, but the area we did see and the drive there was very scenic.

Went to Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo for a great day of free fun! Yes, FREE! No admission charge at this zoo, the way it should be for ALL the museums of Chicago. I don’t mind paying an entrance fee, but when I do, I feel entitled to touch Sue the dinosaur and feed the sharks at the Shed for those prices, ok? Anyhoo…

Here are some of the pictures from the zoo. Meerkats actually pose for them! If only I could have gotten the tiger to do the same! Doesn’t the one with the giraffe just say it all about development? Poor thing. I know just how she feels.

Cash Cow

Helloooo Osteoporosis!!

Have you seen the price of milk? You'd think the stuff was gasoline or Starbucks, or something. Now if I thought for one minute more dollars were going into the pockets of small family-owned dairy operations, I wouldn't complain. But we know it's not. My decision to cut back on milk come right on the heels of a new study indicating soda pop causes heart disease. Oh, great. As if my tap water was some health excelsior.

Why We Have To Go Out To Eat, Honey

Six months after dozens of serious injuries prompted the recall of nearly a million Easy-Bake Ovens, the toy company Hasbro is reissuing the consumer alert because too few peopled heeded it the first time.


Need I mention the defective units were made in China? Now all they need is to be bought out by Maytag.

MAYTAG SUCKS!!!!!!!!

Scarier Than Snape

From a local paper -

Party Under the Stars with Harry: 9:45 p.m. Friday, Books at Sunset, 1100 South St., Elgin. Copies of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” will be distributed in a mirrored chamber by mysterious, white gloved hands. Other activities include Quidditch, a sorting ceremony and actors reading by torchlight. Event is for children ages 8-13.

Would you want Michael Jackson that close to kids? And I hear that Mickey Mouse character is a real rat...

Poor Thing. Reduced to children's parties!

Harry Potter and the Healthy Willows

Excerpts from Mary Lamey, CanWest News Service

The seventh book in the blockbuster Potter franchise is being touted as the greenest book in publishing history, thanks to a non-profit group that has persuaded publishers, printers and pulp producers to opt for forest-friendly paper.

That will mean 200,000 fewer trees will be felled to feed Potter demand, or the equivalent of 2.5 green and leafy Central Parks, according to Nicole Rycroft, executive director of Markets Initiative, the Vancouver-based group behind the push.

This time, Scholastic is on board. Its 12 million copies will contain 65-per-cent paper produced in an environmentally and socially sustainable manner. At least 35 per cent will be made from post-consumer waste paper.
It isn't perfect, but it will save about 130,000 trees, and that's a start.

You go, Jo! I'm very impressed and indebted by your commitment to the environment. Thank you for a great series of books and for hugging a few (hundred thousand) trees.

Exciting Discoveries!

ATHENS (Reuters) - Roadworks in southern Greece have unearthed a rare Mycenaean grave thought to be well over 3,000 years old and containing important burial offerings including a gold chalice, the culture ministry said on Monday.

Zahi Hawass, secretary general of the Supreme Council of Antiquities in Cairo, told The New York Times that a well-preserved mummy found in 1903 in the Valley of the Kings was positively identified as Hatshepsut after a CT scan of a wooden box associated with the queen revealed a tooth that fits into the jaw socket and broken root of the mummy.

Now would someone please dig up an exit strategy for Iraq?

Won't Sleep a Wink Tonight...

Two Congressmen are asking the Department of Health and Human Services to investigate the disappearance of $22 million worth of computers and scientific equipment at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.


So let me get this straight... an agency entrusted with the study, control, and containment of microscopic bacteria can't keep a handle on things as large as computers or $22 millions in funds? Lovely. Wait, there's more!


This past February, the Justice Department's Inspector General reported that three to four laptops are lost or stolen from the FBI every month.


Has anyone checked Mulder's apartment lately?

Burstin' With Blogs

Sorry I haven't posted in, like, forever. I have great material to share, but no time to post (weather is much too nice out, etc.) I promise to make more of an effort. Really.

Wish I'd Said That

"Wal-Mart is getting an advance shipment of the final Harry Potter book. they've asked their employees not to reveal the ending because they don't want to spoil it for fans. Wal-Mart said the first thing they did was fire the greeter who was saying, 'Welcome to Wal-Mart - Harry is dead."

Conan O'Brien

I Say it's CG Animation

An Inconvenient Lack of RX and RPMs

Can I help but wonder if poor little Al the Third turned to drugs because Daddy wouldn't let him drive a V8? I mean, how long did it take him to get a Prius up to 100 MPH? You need an appointment a week in advance just to pass... I envision calendar pages whipping by as the car wound up ever-so-slowly...

And when was there a street in California with enough open space to attempt it? You know, if he had a Mustang, he wouldn't have been caught.

Another Harvard boy gone bad? Yech. Now he's looking more presidential than dear old dad ever did. Perhaps he'll find God in jail. I assume Paris left Him there.

Shall I label this Auto Abuse? Do I care about a Prius?

Does it merit a Celebs gone bad? Is he even a pseudo-celeb?

Hmmm. You know, Chelsea was never on the covers of the tabloids...
Scary to think Hillary's village came through, isn't it?

I Told You So!

Just as I predicted - Google takes over the world.


Thanks to Kane Citizen for the link!

Open Season!

Looking at Google's cool logo today, I couldn't help but worry about the fact that Bald Eagles have been removed from the Endangered Species list.

Good news: Conservation efforts work.

Bad news: the only thing that should not be on the Endangered Species list is man.

Forget Medicare!

I’m going to be living to 100 now that Diet Coke Plus has debuted. Wow! Vitamins and Minerals! No calories! Whee! Like taking a One-A-Day with water! I’m so healthy I can feel it! Or is that the caffeine? Whatever. At least they didn’t sneak any genuine fruit juice in or anything. Whew!

I Love This Stuff!

This is not a paid endorsement, but it should be!

Yum! Who would have thought of putting raspberry and pomegranate together?

(Oops! This is the walnut)

Obviously there was a happy accident at the Things That Are Red* bottling plant in Great Neck, NY.; much better than the Tomato Sauce/Dextron fiasco from a few years earlier. (I understand many of the executives behind that debacle went on to create New Coke.)

Another product melding these two flavors is a Bartles & Jaymes wine cooler that is equally yummy.

*Motto: Turning a profit ever since we issued red uniforms

Speaking of Coke…

I’ve Been Reading

Can’t Wait to get to Heaven by Fannie Flagg

Cute, wholesome extra lite fare with sweet humor. I give it a B.

The Invisible Wall, Harry Bernstein

This is supposed to be a memoir, but I really think Harry has been down at the pub with James Frey a bit too much. I honestly suspect some of these characters are amalgams and there’s no way he recalls every detail from when he was four years old. A great story, but just that - a story. Despite my misgivings, it does an excellent job of illustrating his hardscrabble youth and what his family went through at the hands of his drunken/mentally disturbed father. It gets a special ‘Angela’s Ashes’ award for making you want to kill the dad with your bare hands. C+.

Easter Everywhere by Darcey Steinke

Somewhere behind the Department of Children’s Protective Services is a dumpster where book agents squabble like seagulls over discarded case files in the hopes of signing the next Dave Pelzer. Had a crappy childhood? Sign here and here, and over here, then type all about it.

Ok, that’s a little harsh. But true. Also big are ‘spiritual journey’ books, so I guess this one had two genres going for it.

Darcey uses some incredible turns of phrase in a mostly ho-hum book. I particularly loved when she describes her ex-husband: I felt like a rabbit trying to talk to a fish.

Hey, at least she created a bildungsroman. Can you imagine my biography? A cautionary tale on how some people never progress? Still, this is just a C.

Cicada-less in Chicago

Yum!

As noted earlier, I’ve been disappointed there are no cicadas in our yard, since they would make a tasty and nutritious treat for my reptiles. A mere twenty miles away they have a presence, and even further south east they’re a downright nuisance. So imagine my delight when one flew into my car…

I was at a stoplight not far from work, windows down and sun roof open, enjoying the summer evening drive home. I heard this fluttering noise, and looked in the rear view mirror. A cicada had flown into the car, and was bumping against the back window in an effort to escape. Score! At least one bearded dragon would have dinner.

I rolled up the windows, switched to AC and headed for home. Glancing again at the mirror, I lost sight of it…uh oh.

Suddenly the experience turned into a B horror-flick. I heard the rustling of wings every few minutes, making my skin to crawl. Next, I involuntarily twitched while imagining it fluttering into my face, causing a deadly traffic accident. One that only the ‘days to live’ bug survived. It would come crawling out of my mouth in a grotesque Silence of the Lambs parody as the paramedics extricated me from the wreckage …

The only thing worse? Not hearing it. That meant it must be crawling in my hair. Or feasting on my leather upholstery. Something sinister, I was positive.

Amazingly, I arrived home in one piece and looked for the cicada. And looked. And looked…

Finally I spotted it clinging to the underside of a seatbelt and hauled it inside for certain death at the jaws of the least-lazy lizard. I threw the victim into the coliseum of ravenous reptiles -- but not before grabbing a camera.

No one ever asks dog or cat owners, why do you like mammals? I mean, ‘hunting companion’ or ‘cuddly’ is pretty self-evident. Most reptile owners always talk about how they love to see their pet eat. I could care less about the pie-eating contest at the local fair, but give me a mouse and a snake and suddenly it’s, “Where’s the camcorder? Stanley, call the grandkids, the python is hungry!”

Anyhoo…

Puffy was the first to investigate, and got the prize. The behemoth invertebrate was no match for the needle sharp dragon teeth and was promptly crushed to bits.

Next: Ewwwww!!!! All that from one bug??? Gack!

No Blog Here

Sorry I haven't been blogging - I've been trying to get my iPhone activated.

Yeah. Right.

Liberal Quiz

My Liberal Identity:

You are a New Left Hipster, also known as a MoveOn.org liberal, a Netroots activist, or a Daily Show fanatic. You believe that if we really want to defend American values, conservatives must be exposed, mocked, and assailed for every fanatical, puritanical, warmongering, Constitution-shredding ideal for which they stand.

Take the quiz at http://www.fightconservatives.com/Inside-the-Book/What-Breed-of-Liberal-Are-You.html

Taste 'O Turtle

After a 12-year hiatus -- not counting two appearances a few years back -- the dish made famous by the South Loop restaurant Binyon's will once again rear its head at Taste of Chicago.



"It's a Chicago tradition, like shrimp de Jonghe and chicken Vesuvio," said Donnie Kruse, BB's co-owner, who is gearing up to sell 50 gallons of turtle soup a day. "



Now after reading a few articles like the above, I wanted to know what type and where exactly these poor little turtles were coming from. So I called BB's.



A very young gal asked a server, who told her the turtles were farm-raised.



Now far be it from me to say terrapins aren't tasty, (they are. I'm hideous. I admit it) but I did want to be ecologically sensitive.



Turns out there are several large U.S. turtle farms in places like Oklahoma and Louisiana. Unfortunately, there is still plenty of wild collecting going on in Texas and other states. Read a great article about how the U.S. is exporting the delicacy to China. (Hope they get salmonella.)



China has overharvested turtles from all of Asia and is now seeking our surplus. Unfortunately, farming any type of seafood is fraught with negatives - disease within the colony, potential for farm stock to escape and infect wild populations, and the dreaded 'doesn't taste as good' factor.



But let's all give BB's the benefit of the doubt. I don't know how many tickets a taste o' turtle will cost you, but be sure to ask the server about the type and source of the meat. An informed consumer will drive the market.

Shop Til You Drop

So I stop at Evil – Mart on the way home tonight…Is it just me or are they trying to send a subliminal message by putting the cat food next to the tampons? I should have then checked to see if the beer was next to the frozen pizza.

I go to check out and waltz right up to the “Twenty Items or Less” lane. I figure, if they don’t know grammar, what are the chances they know arithmetic? I mean, what will happen if I have 22 items? Will the register freeze up at exactly twenty? A big horn go off? Red flashing lights?

The check out man (greying, 15 year pin, so I know whence I speak) asks to see my credit card. “Would you like to see my ID?” I offer, pleased he cares. “No,” he says, squinting at the signature box to check if I could write just like the card I had stolen.

Having passed my art test, I was released to the parking lot. A cheery lady thanked me for coming. She’s still got a job. All those Union Textile workers who lost their jobs when China was the low-bid for the 4th of July T-Shirts in aisle 6 don’t.

Yes, I’m part of the problem. Shame on me. But you should see the really cute melon sweater I got for only $4.50! 5% angora and 2% cashmere. The other synthetic fibers probably cause cancer, but hey, $4.50! Whoo – hoo!

(Freaky - I was too lazy to photograph the sweater myself, so I just did a Google Image search for Melon Sweater, and the fifth choice was the exact item - from their website! So I stole it. I foresee a showdown where Google and Wal-Mart have each amassed all the data they possibly could and are suing each other to gain sole control of all the information in the other's databank in hopes of ruling the universe...)

Mr. Dead!

Please, please, shoot me before I pay some vanity press to self-publish my work. It just isn't pretty.