In Other News

Perfection!

I'm heartbroke I didn't attend the Vanity Handicap to get my "Zenyatta Bobblehead", but just the thought of 17-0 is breathtaking. A true superhorse! Where's the beanie baby?


Also, Rachel Alexandra is back in the winner's circle after the Fleur de Lis Handicap at Churchill Downs.


They have yet to meet.

Belmont Blues

Did not do well picking winners at the Belmont.

My hopes were on an Exacta box with Drosselmeyer and Dave in Dixie (who finished second to last. Thanks a lot, Calvin).

Oh well.

Half right.

Some Stories Just Re-Write Themselves...

Was it insured by State Farm?

Squareville – “Cartoon Horse” was a target as soon as he arrived in Squareville.

His ears were mauled. His treasure chest jostled. And eventually, despite being bolted to a 300-pound concrete slab, he simply was gone, stolen from his home at 218 Main St. Police believe that it was taken sometime between 9 p.m. Saturday and 9 a.m. Sunday.

In a totally unrelated story, Dozens O' Donuts had their annual All Night Sale 9 p.m. Saturday to 9 a.m. Sunday...

“Whoever executed this theft either had equipment or a team of people,” said Ann Henslee, community outreach director for the Main Stay Therapeutic Riding Program.

Or help from the police?

“It’s insane. It’s crazy. And it’s very depressing. We’re terrified for the other horses.”

Is it too soon to suggest next year's theme be Flesh-Eating Zombie Horses from Beyond the Grave? Thestrals?

“Cartoon Horse” was one of 26 decorative rocking horses that appeared on the Square last week as part of a fundraiser for Main Stay. Main Stay has provided individualized equine-related therapy to help people with disabilities since 1984.

Rocking Horse Rustlers at Large!!

The “Rock On” fundraiser is a follow-up to last year’s “Horses of a Different Color,” in which fiberglass carousel horses were painted by local artists and placed around the Square.

Those were actually attractive. Perhaps the vandals were making a point in a misguided way. Everyone I've spoken to this year thinks the rocking horses are really ugly.

Each horse had a different theme, and at the end of the summer, the horses were auctioned off, raising about $50,000 for Main Stay.

I'm not seeing a market for this years, we'll have to see.

Despite the popularity and success of the program, “Horses of a Different Color” was not without incident. In August 2009, vandals hit three of the horses one morning, causing more than $450 in damage.

Bad enough, but none disappeared.

“Luck of the Irish,” near the former O’Leary’s Pub, got the worst of it.

The rocking horses featured in this year’s fundraiser were placed on the Square on Thursday. The kickoff is today on the Square with an ice cream social and a concert at 7:30 p.m.

Henslee said that within six hours, the horse, located almost directly across the street from the Classic Cinemas movie theater, had been damaged.

“Someone had been very cruel to its ears,” Henslee said. Later, it was apparent that the treasure chest below “Cartoon Horse” had been “disturbed.”

The artwork was disturbed to begin with.

Henslee said the theft was a loss for Main Stay, which planned to auction the horse in September as part of this year’s fundraiser. However, she said, it also is a loss for the community.

“How can you move something that heavy without someone hearing that or seeing that? There are bars around there, a movie theater, apartments,” Henslee said.

And the cops were where?? I feel so safe in Squareville.

Woodstock Police Sgt. Richard Johns said that there was little evidence left at the scene.

Were there two parallel lines dragged off into the sunset?

“[It’s] just gone,” Johns said. “From my understanding, it’s quite heavy.”

(Insert Twilight Zone music here)

Johns said that the police planned extra patrols around areas where the “Rock On” horses were “to keep an eye on them.”

Nothing like shutting the barn door after the rocking horse is gone...

An Inconvenient Filing

What's this? After forty years Al and Tipper Gore are divorcing? Say it ain't so!

Guess the only place the temperature was dropping was in the boudoir... no renewable energy there, apparently.

Supposedly they announced the split to their closest friends via e-mail - and I hope it included Tipper's observation that she just couldn't listen to him tell the story of how he invented the Internet one more time. Right there, any judge should give her more than half the marital assets. Wonder who gets Oscar and who gets the medal?

Can you just see Al tooling down the PCH with the sunroof in his Prius open, blaring Gangsta Rap now that he's free?

Is it just a coincidence this news comes after the worst environmental disaster in U.S. history? Al's ties to the oil industry are just the Tipper the iceberg, if you ask me.

Petrol-e-man

Did You e-nhale?

Cars 3 in 2D

Why? Because 3D is stupid, that’s why. Until I’m issued one red and one green contact lens, I really don’t want to hear about it.

I understand Pixar has moved up the release date of “Cars 2: World Grand Prix” by a year, planning a June 2011 release. Why? It seems so rare to move up a release. Was the film done ahead of time? Didn’t want all the voice actors dead by the release?

How unusual for an animated feature to arrive early. Something else must have canceled in order to move it up. Or perhaps someone figured out the target audience was not going to care by 2011. I’m not talking toddlers with maturing tastes, I’m speaking of ‘people pissed off by Owen Wilson’s recent projects’. This select population is in need of rescue well before 2011, but we’ll take what we can get.

Anyhoo, from what little I’ve been able to find regarding the plot of this film, it seems we’re in for even less of Sally Carrera this time around (1). This upsets me on many levels. Yes, yes, I know Walt Disney has an absolute cottage industry built on making little girls want to be princesses. Sure, we need “Boy” movies every bit as much. But what about little girls who love cars?

Sally merchandise has been extremely slim pickins(2). All they want to promote is the male buddy bonding of Lightning and ‘Mater. Perhaps this entertains the boys that secretly wish they were at the princess movies, but for the Porschephiles it’s just another example of the good ol’ NASCAR boys club.

Supposedly Lightning and Mater go to various countries to compete in Grand Prix events and experience culture shock. Where Sally even fits into this, I do not know, but Holly Hunt was listed as a voice talent, so I will assume she makes an appearance. The first film showcased so many things I love: Route 66, the Southwest, Porsches and other sports cars, Owen…

So I figured I was too late for Cars 2. No one called me to consult. Seems I’m going to have to rectify this myself. That’s right, I’m going to have to write the script for Cars III: The Rebuild

Brief Outline:

Sally, still living in Radiator Springs, a once-boom-town now suffering through the recession like the rest of us, gets a call that her father (silver Porsche 356) is on his last cylinders and she must travel back to the Fatherland to see him one final time. She kisses Lightning goodbye and tearfully boards a plane that will take her home to Stuttgart.

Sally arrives in time for five-hankie goodbye where Daddy tells her how proud he’s always been of her and explains he is bequeathing a large swath of the downtown business district to her, as her brother the 914 lacks the horsepower to oversee such a venture.

Before Daddy can even be properly crunched into scrap metal, an incredibly evil (but sexy!) black BMW M1 shows up and says he was an old friend of her father’s and he only wants to help her during this difficult time. It’s painfully obvious to everyone except Sally that he has nefarious intentions, but if she figured it out in the first 20 minutes, we couldn’t fill another 83, now could we???

Initially flattering, he soon starts dominating Sally and trying to make decisions for her. She allows a few, trying to cover in front of friends and family when she realizes they weren’t in her best interest. Slowly, she starts to awaken to the fact she has relinquished too much power. Feeling embarrassment and melancholy, she starts to cry oil(3) alone in a coach house. Singing spark plugs and an air filter that plays itself like an accordion do a huge musical number to cheer her up. (Did you forget this was a Disney film for a moment?) Great bathroom break.

Still, Sally isn’t quite ready to make the break. She doesn’t know how she could head home to America and still oversee German business operations. Fortunately, she meets the sleekest, coolest, most beautiful older gal Jenna (British Green Jaguar XKE) who is a willing mentor on all matters of both the pocketbook and the heart.

Jenna dazzles Sally with her self-confidence and intelligence. She makes some helpful business suggestions and it’s clear the M1 is very threatened by her. The girls go tire shopping and over some 40-Weight at an outdoor café, Jenna tells Sally she better dump the Bimmer before she ends up like so many other cars, unappreciated and unloved. She points out that High-Maintenance is not a dirty term, it’s an excuse for guys to neglect you. The Check Engine Now light comes on in Sally’s little dash, and she decides the new racing tires she just bought are perfect – for leaving Bimmy fast. This turns into a musical number, These Slicks Were Made for Squealin’.

After Bimmy is out of the picture, Sally decides she wants to return home to her true love, Lightning. She asks Jenna to act as her business manager for a handsome salary. Jenna agrees, introducing her to a much-younger new boyfriend, a gold Audi 8. “How very Ford of you!”, Sally smiles. – get it? Ford – Forward? Ford Cougar – Jaguar- younger guy…? Ok. I thought it was funny. Never mind.

So Sally hurries home only to find Lightning has taken up with a heavily airbrushed Toyota Celica with a Nitro Pak. Incensed that he can’t appreciate all-original equipment, she leaves him(4). Credits roll as Sally plans a triumphant return to Radiator Springs where she plans to act as a mentor to other young cars(5). She watches a sunset as the screen blackens down to the International Vehicle Car oval “D” sticker she received near her back bumper – a little tramp stamp she picked up abroad.

~The Beginning~

1 per Wikipedia, Pixar has been criticized for its lack of strong or main female characters

2 Also, would somebody please make the theme bedding in Queen size? Nooo…. Only twin…

3 Although Sally looks young enough to be water-cooled.

4 Think Sandra Bullock and Jesse James

5 “Pixar films follow the same theme of self improvement. With the help of friends or family, a character ventures out into the real world and learns to appreciate his friends and family." At the core, according to John Lasseter, "it's gotta be about the growth of the main character, and how he changes.”

Look Who's Lucky

Whoo-hoo! Got a whopping $6.80 from my $2 bet on Lookin' At Lucky. Hey, least I picked a winner. Not like I invested it in BP or anything evil. Now, on to the Belmont. No predictions at this time. Twitter amongst yourselves, I'll be back later with my picks.

Preakness Picks

Right now, I like 5, 6, and 7.

Lookin at Lucky, 7, is a great horse who just couldn't perform in the Derby. He may well be the favorite in the Preakness.

Also sparking my interest is Yawanna Twist, 5, which would be a long shot who could pay some good money.

Tiny little Jackson Bend will be #6. He's just cute. That's reason enough in my book.

I Could Have Told You That

Love Affair With New Cars Lasts Longer for Women

It’s called the “honeymoon period” and it doesn’t just apply to your spouse. It also covers swooning for that brand-new car, and it turns out women love their new cars longer than men do.

According to a survey conducted by LeaseTrader.com, women are more than three times more likely to stay in love with their car longer than men. A woman’s average honeymoon period lasts 14 months, while men only make it about four months before the luster of the new-car relationship wears off. I still love my cars - many years later.

The poll of approximately 2,500 drivers also breaks down the moment people know the magic is gone.

For women, the automotive love affair is over when they let a spouse finally drive it (39%), Ha! start carpooling with other people’s kids (24%),Never eat in the car (12%),I'm OK with this now put makeup on in the car while driving (9% — and also a big no-no) Why not? and leave clothes in the car (6%). Does a Gym Bag count?

Men know the flame has expired when they park around other cars (33%),Still touchy about this! start transporting sports equipment (22%),Rollerblades in a bag are not a problem clean their cars less frequently (17%),Gasp! are bothered by high payments (12%) Always and don’t care who drives on long trips (3%). Oh, yeah, I like to let the hitchhiker take over...

Our only editorial comment on this poll is we bet most of the 22% of guys who cited “transporting sports equipment” were likely just trying to impress a female pollster.

Survey: Women Love Their New Cars Longer Than Men (DriveOn)

Gulfzilla!!

Top Ten BP Excuses

10."The Gulf of Mexico was overdue for its 3,000 oil change"

9."We promise we'll get around to it by Labor Day"

8."Relax, it's only leaking 210,000 gallons a day"

7."Giving everyone a free BP travel mug"

6."Louisiana hasn't had a disaster in 5 years"

5."Guy from Goldman Sachs said it would make money"

4."Blame FEMA"

3."Did you hear Ricky Martin's gay?"

2."Blame Toyota"

1."Honestly, we're so reckless -- surprised it took this long"

From Late Night With David Letterman (5/3/10)

Doggone It

Dear Owen Wilson,

You used to be my favorite movie star. Starsky and Hutch. Shanghai Knights. Cars.

Then came Marley and Me.

Please, go back to the writing. I like intellectuals. That also look like blond gods. (almost enough to compensate for the whole 'Owen Cunningham' thing your parents also bestowed upon you.)

Now... Marmaduke? I didn't think you could sink any lower. (both of these movies occurred AFTER his suicide attempt. Go figure.)

Did you know?

Owen and Luke's father was the first to bring Monty Python's Flying Circus to American TV where he managed KERA, a PBS station, in Dallas, TX.

Quote he should live by: "I can't think of a movie I wish I'd acted in, but there are movies I wish I'd written."

Quote of his that I live by: "I don't feel like I'm a hundred times happier. Can't we petition someone to make it so that outside stuff is the key to happiness? I'm tired of people always saying, 'It's gotta come from you!' Can't it come from, like, a new pair of shoes?"

The Coupon Curve

Every time a coupon expires, a kitten is killed...

Or at least you would think so, the way I run around every week with a stack of store promos in my hand.

Last week was a perfect storm of redeeming as I tried to squeeze every last dollar out of my portfolio of offers.

First up was Kohl's. I had ten dollars in Kohl's cash*, which could be spent on anything. I found two kitchen towels (cute dragonfly design) for $1.99, a candle for $4.99 and a $6 hair band. Between the $10 off and a 15% off I ended up only paying $2.71. Score!

Next was Ulta. I really need to slow down with this place, but they keep sending the coupons... Spend $10 or more, get $3.50 off. Simple. Straightforward. Easy. Spent $11 and paid $8.01 after tax. Good. Not great, but adequate.

Finally, JC Pennypinchers. Why do I bother? Oh, they have petite sizes, that's why. So I had this mother's day coupon for $10 off any purchase of $25 or more. Then I had two other ones; $10 off any purchase $50 or more, and $15 off any purchase $75 or more. Hmmm.

Usually, I can't find anything and waste two hours even trying to find something coupon-worthy. Somehow, I managed to find all kinds of things I wanted. To maximize the coupons, I needed to make on $50+ and one $25+ purchase to get $20 off. Easier said than done!

It must have taken me almost three hours to get a low priced item to align with the $25. I had $20.99 pants, but there is absolutely NOTHING in the entire store for $4. Not a single sock. Oh, sure, packages of three for $10, but not single pairs. No food items. No clearance jewelry (their junk jewelry starts at about $6 on clearance, and I won't give them the satisfaction of turning my wrist green) no washcloth package or lip gloss for $4 - nothing.

Who are these people? These evil math geniuses who have created this bizarre pricing algorithm designed to keep fashionistas like myself from cashing in on multiple offers? So unlike Kohl's!!!

Determined to get the snow-leopard sweater or die, I settled on an $8 pair of sunglasses. Sheesh. At least I got a vinyl sleeve to put them in, the only reason I like buying sunglasses there.

I need to swear off all shopping for the summer. No more! Save it for the gas tank. Burn those offers from the mail without even opening them. Hit delete on all emails. Cease! Desist! Decoupon!

*I think I earned this by spending $50 in Kohl's the week before. Al needed dress pants for work. He will only wear black (if only he had Johnny Cash's talent or money.... Nope. Just thirst for no-fault dressing. What he's doing with me, I have no idea.) so the transaction took all of 14 minutes as I shopped for him. Out of 3, only one needed to be returned. Not bad.

Super Odds

Faster than a speeding oil slick

Well, Horse Racing has been quite volatile so far this year. First, the good news: my five-dollar bet on Super Saver to win payed $44 - a fantastic return on the second-favorite horse in a Derby crowded with the mediocre.

The really sad news is my darling Eskendereya (Es-ken-DRAY-ah) had to be retired as a result of soft-tissue injury. I really wanted him to go for the triple crown, but it's not to be. The tiny sliver of silver lining is he was sold to billionaire winemaker Jess Jackson, the same guy who owns Curlin and bought Rachel Alexandra and made the right decision to race her against the colts. (Too late for the derby, to my eternal dismay)

In other really bad news, Rachel Alexandra has finished second in her last two races. Now as a four-year-old, I was hoping she would finally race Zenyatta, but after those performances I think we all know what that outcome would be...

For this Saturday's Preakness, I'm not going with Super Saver. He's just not that good. Calvin is great, the horse isn't. Perhaps Lookin at Lucky? I haven't seen a final line up, so I will keep you posted as to my picks.

What Might Have Been

I'm devastated that Esken-unpronounceable-dereya is out of the Kentucky Derby.



Now what? Lookin' at Lucky looks great on paper - never finished out of the money- but going in as the favorite is pretty much the kiss of death. Devil May Care? I'd love to see a filly (and Pletcher) win it, but I'm not convinced. One thing is for sure - I'll put some money on Super Saver to win. One would think I could get a $2 bet for only a $1.50 on a horse with a name like that...

Your Point Being?

You Are a Snarky Blogger!

You've got a razor sharp wit that bloggers are secretly scared of. You're honest and critical. You never hold back, even if you're opinion is controversial. Okay, let's be honest. You try to make your posts as controversial as possible! And that's why your audience reads your posts as often as they can.

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

Blogthings: 100's of Fun, Free Quizzes and 3 Stupid Ones

There's a Word for That

And that word is spelled w-r-o-n-g. Or perhaps s-a-c-r-i-l-e-g-e.

Just when you thought the dumbing-down of America was pretty much complete, comes this little tidbit: Mattel announced their newest edition of Scrabble will allow proper nouns.

What? After sixty years they're just opening the floodgates of 'but I know someone who spells his name that way'? Are they paying a corporate sponsorship fee to the first couple to name their child Qzxtb? Did they lose a bet with Barbie? Get bored of the Hot Wheels loop?

The games company said it would be introducing the rule change – the first in the game's 62 year history – to "enable younger players" to get involved.

Admit it - you mean the txt gn - why not accept LOL and WTF?

This could cause a power shift between the generations, with those possessing a keen knowledge of the top 40 singles' chart legitimately able to cite such high-scoring examples as singers N-Dubz (17 points) and Jay-Z (23 points).

Oh, like they would be caught dead playing some antique game with tree pieces. With Grandpa.

A Mattel spokesman said: "The layout, the colors of the board, the rules and the game itself have all remained unchanged for over 60 years.

So let's mess it up! Let's change for the sake of change! Let's make the board 3D with sound chips while we're at it. (Hologram adapter sold separately)

"These changes are the biggest news for Scrabble lovers in the history of the game and will provide a great new twist on the old formula. We believe that people who are already fans of the game will enjoy the changes and they will also enable younger players and families to get involved.

That drab old formula that required thought, spelling skills and a dictionary. Yes, let's get rid of that. People will rush right out to pay $19.59 for a new set of printed instructions inside our box. It will give them a magical site license to play the game with standards lower than your typical Washington Lobbyist.

Why stop at Scrabble? Why not make more games easier for today's ADHD youth?

Like "Chutes". Who wants to scale those pesky ladders? Life should be one big happy slide.

Or "Monopoly - Bailout Edition". Run out of money? All your hotels mortgaged to the hilt? Never fear, just cut up some slips of paper and write denominations on them. Distribute to give your players a federal bailout. No one need ever lose again! Always get out of jail free!

I'd love a more realistic version of "Life" - instead of having twins or going to college they should now offer more likely scenarios like "stay on your parents couch to age thirty" and "do you want fries with that" as an occupation space. No cash in this version. Just Promissory Notes.

(No) Risk - players compete to take over the world with junk bonds and load funds.

(Get a) Clue - players realize they are trapped with a bunch of dislikeable idiots in a drafty old house.

Fortunately, I was able to find this explanation of the whole ruckus online.

Whew! They sure Trickstered me.

Max-imum Auto Abuse

For why"Artsy Types" should not be allowed to purchase collectible automobiles, read this incredible story.

Correction: Incredibly upsetting story.

I remember that promotion! I recall really, really wanting to win. I wasn't sure how I was going to house and finance an entire museum, but those pesky details could be worked out afterward.

Sad to say, I was a bit of a Peter Max fan, but that was when I had no idea about any of this.
Psychedelic paint looks cute on a VW Bug, but if he touches the Polo White exterior of that 53 I'm gonna sic Zora's ghost on him...

Now, I just think of those poor tires rotting into a New York garage floor. It sure wasn't Jerry Seinfeld's building. He would have stepped in. If nothing else, to kick them out so he could have room for his Porsche collection.

I know! They should have done a Hoarders episode on Max. At least that would have been entertaining. I'd volunteer to take them to a good home. I don't know if all 36 could fit in my barn, but I'd sure give it the old college try.

As for me, I'm just awaiting the day I can join the list of very rich comedians who collect cars.

Virtual Retail

Dear Video Game Programmers and Purveyors -

Want more girl gamers? How about a game we can relate to? Like shopping.

Not too hard to develop a dream game for me, that’s for sure. Just throw a little retail therapy into your basic racing game and you’re sure to have me hooked.

First, players select a cool car. Choose carefully! A Ferrari can get you to more stores, quickly; but an Escalade will have more room for purchases. Next a little menu of famous malls will come up, complete with floor plan and list of stores. To win the game, you’ll need something from the shoe category, formal wear category, jeans, etc.

You’ll then be issued a credit line and stack of cards and coupons. Your challenge is to get every item on the list for the best price. Think of all the educational tie-ins! Math skills galore! Trunk size vs. volume and shape of packages = geometry. Finding a good parking spot = probability. Which mall at what time of the day = statistics. Budgeting and coupon redemption = Finance and Accounting.

Throw in some nutrition lessons, too. The winner will be the one who can shop eight hours on a large cappuccino and stick of sugarless gum. Just like real life, the anorexic player will be rewarded.

Not exciting enough? Throw in some Zombies!

Suggested Names:

Grand Shop Auto

World of MallCraft

Wii Love to Shop (with credit card wrist-flicking action!)

Super Shoprio

Mall-tal Combat