Well, of Course it's Made in China

This rolling, rough and tough Dusty the Talking Vacuum Cleaner comes alive with animation, realistic sounds (that would be you, swearing) and fun activities (being tested for lead is a great passtime!). Dusty's friend Brushy comes attached and the two have cleaning fun all day long as they talk to each other. The vacuum cleaner's handle moves up and down just like a real one, and the free-rolling wheels activate 30 fun phrases and realistic vacuum sounds (Like "favorite toy caught in a vortex"). As the vacuum rolls along, watch the "dirt" swirling in the canister! *

*Had this been a real Hoover, that dirt would be swirling out the motor...

Phrases include :

"Maytag Sucks - But Hoover Doesn't!"

"My warranty has just expiiiiiiirerrrrrrrdddddd"

"The toaster will lead the takeover at dawn - pass it on"

"I'm sorry, this model is not included in the recall. Would you like to buy an extended warranty?"

"This item falls well within the limits of lead particles per million when used as directed. Directions: do not touch with bare skin. Do not inhale near product. Do not leave in direct sunlight or feed after midnight."

Blogonne!

As if you needed any further proof as to the fact that all of my appliances are in a perpetual state of revolt – my computer hard drive crashed leaving me without an Internet connection!! We had an old computer hooked up and it was so slow…zzzzzzzzzzzzz. I’ll try to catch up as I can, but the major stuff will have to wait. The Blogfodder folder grows ever larger, while my time continues to shrink. Thanks so much to anyone who is still reading this blog!! Also, I may have to ask you for email addresses again, if my data can’t be recovered. For those keeping score: Computer Age – less than six years old. Hard drive warranty: Five Years. Yep. That planned obsolescence has given way to willful warranty expiration self-sabotage by the devices. Little kamikazes.


So I get this coupon from a local shoe store, not my favorite store, (that would be DSW) but $10 off is nothing to sneeze at. Coupon in hand, I head for the sale stuff way in the back and start trying on more shoes than the prince in the Cinderella story.

After Goldy-Marcos finds the Just Right pair, she heads to the checkout. Me + Coupon + Clearance Rack of shoes = Happy Ending, right? Wrong. Seems the lighting in this particular retail establishment leaves something to be desired.

I get home and open the box of shoes under a fluorescent light in my kitchen only to find I have one navy blue and one black sandal. I mean, even in bright light, these colors are thisclose.

Called the establishment and explained that despite the checker looking to see each shoe was the same size (which does make me wonder where that woman with one size-eight foot and one size seven-and-a-half foot shops, but apparently that’s Not the Store’s Problem) I left the store with two different colored shoes. Snickering, the employee put me on hold. She came back and said she found the size 6 mis-matched shoes just as I described and will hold them for me until I can come back for the exchange.

I’m telling you, this has been a really bad week. I promise to tell you the story of the really great weekend I had at Dustfest 07 soon. Unfortunately, I can’t even get the photos off my camera right now!!

I bought a new pair of Rollerblades. I have mixed emotions about them. They are very comfortable and have the old-fashioned traditional brake I like best. I am very brand-loyal to Rollerblade, and this is my third pair. The bad thing is they were a really cheaply made model, and I just couldn’t find anything better, despite my willingness to spend more on the right ones. These just seemed to have really cheap fittings and I doubt if they’ll last more than three years. I don’t know if they truly were extra-low end, or if everything is being made junky now, or what. I wish I knew where the Rollerblade factory was so I could just buy factory-direct and save a few dollars while having the whole line available in one spot (and they might even have my size!). Unlike the Jelly Belly factory, I would NOT want rejects with square wheels, however.
Do Rollerblades count as a footwear purchase? I think it’s more sporting goods. Anyhoo,
I really should try and break this whole shoe-shopping habit. I think the longest I’ve gone is 60 days without a shoe purchase. Blogs and the Internet are great ways to reach out to others with your addiction and offer support, chart progress, etc. So if you are addicted to buying shoes, I’d love to hear from you.


As aforementioned, I’d join a 12 – step program, but that might actually wear out a pair…

My name is Getalife, and I’m a Shoeaholic. It has been seven hours since my last foot wear purchase….

I’ll chart my progress here and let’s see how I do. Can I exclude certain items? I really need some new black boots, and I don’t have any silver shoes…

Stop.

Ok. It’s actually been twenty-five days since my last footwear purchase, and I feel good. I can do this. I can go, oh, thirty days. Let’s start small. 31 days, as it’s October. Or a really big coupon. Whichever comes first.

Stop.

Thirty-one days.

I can do this.

Really.


*Bet that requires a passport, and don’t get me started on that whole thing again. Did I tell you what happened with that?? How many public officials will be getting nasty letters from me about the fees and difficulties of a US citizen having to prove the same and fight their bureaucracy to the tune of hundreds of dollars? Oh, wait, that’s a whole other post. I’m NEVER getting a passport. I will sneak out in the middle of the night, never to return.

Please Come Back, Readers!!

I have about a million things to blog about, most of them quite stale, but I've been out of commission for a month! Please bear with me as I catch up on all the things I need to comment on. You know, like Warmest October Ever!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!! This so makes up for the August wash-out! I'm still driving my Vette and wearing short sleeves. Here's to a 40 degree average January!!

And I Thought Maytag Sucked....

Once again, an electronic device has failed me in a disaster of Biblical proportions - this time my Hewlett-Packard piece of junk computer decided to give up the ghost just past its 5-year hard drive warranty. Convenient, eh?

Someone tried to tell me that was the law of 'planned obsolescence'. I disagree. Planned Obsolescence is the Sony Playstation - they continue to improve the product and create software that needs the new system to be appreciated - they want you to buy a new game box every few years. Fine with me.

Junk that breaks just past the warranty is an evil, dastardly plot perfected by successful manufacturers that laugh all the way to the bank. The item you are replacing it with is made even shoddier, and has even less of a warranty that the item you just replaced. See: Automobiles, esp. American, and Maytag, as in "Maytag Sucks". So does Hewlett-Packard.

Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks. Hewlett-Packard sucks.

So... If you were wondering what happened to me, I've had no internet access for forty days and forty nights (or so). I have lost my hardrive, which means my banking, photos, and all your e-mail addresses have vanished into the ether. Please email me again so I can add you (back) into my address book. I will then send you my new cell phone number.

What's that, you say? Can't you just transfer a cell phone number over? Let's just say after speaking with a major portion of the residents of Mumbai to no avail, it just became easier to give up and start over. Much like Al's efforts to restore our computer. Again, I apologize for the absence; I do hope I still have some loyal readers out there.

Yeah. Right.

Apoloblog

Despite persistent rumors that this blog was shut down due to subversive content, I am still alive and well. I just haven't made the time to blog lately, and really, there's no excuse. The Blog Fodder folder is overflowing, and I promise to try and work through it soon.

I haven't been blading since the 'tar pit' incident, and I may just put the skates away for the year. The mosquitoes are so bad I've dubbed my walks with Cyrus 'the two thousand meter slap'. Then a cold spell whooshed through, bringing with it my annual Winter Depression. I tried bundling up to do a two thousand meter shiver, but guess what? The mosquitoes are still out there!!

This weekend I'll be too busy to blog, but I promise to be back with more caustic commentary than you can swat a skeeter with.

(In fact, I must share a little slice of my Getalife: If I wasn't depressed enough about the impending Ice Age, I was once again reminded of my lifelong regret #1 Never Landed a Job Working as a Comedy Writer. Seems the woman who does my nails said she was waiting to hear what I had to say about the whole OJ thing. When people look to you instead of Jay Leno and David Letterman for humorous commentary, you've missed your calling. Sniff! No one can hear you cry in cyberspace.)

Funfest or bust!!

Coffee, Tea, or You Annoy Me

Shadow Yang: ‘He was alone’
By Eric Litke
Sheboygan Press staff

A Hmong man who took his own life on Monday after shooting and killing a former coworker lived a reclusive and quiet existence, devoid of friends and family and cut off from the local Hmong community, neighbors and acquaintances said Tuesday.
I love how being quiet and minding your own business is of note in today's world.

Shadow Yang, 40, who lived alone in the rundown upper flat of a Kentucky Avenue duplex, forced his way into the Rockline Industries plant about 4:30 a.m. and killed 28-year-old Christina Wollenzien, police say. Wearing a camouflage jacket and armed himself with a semiautomatic handgun and 100 rounds of ammunition, Yang shot Wollenzien three times before retreating to another part of the Maryland Avenue plant to kill himself.
Another account mentioned Yang worked in the 'coffee filter division' there. I'm imagining a guy in Urban Camo with a white pith helmet, and instead of the iconic 'shrubbery' stuck all over him; the white coffee filters are glued all over his helmet and shoulders to help him blend in as he stalks his prey...

Somsy Kingpadith, Yang’s downstairs neighbor for the last two years, said the shooting “surprised me and it kind of didn’t.”
Your point being? The only positive here is he killed himself.

“Just the way he carried himself, he seemed like a person that would go to an extreme if he had to do something,” said Kingpadith, 29, who lives at 707 Kentucky Ave., with her husband and four children. “He never really smiled, never talked … kind of creepy in a way.”
What of the name Shadow? Was he dark in mood as a little boy? Change his name as an adult? Interesting.

Kingpadith said she saw Yang only a few times over the last two years, and never once talked to him. She never saw anyone else come or go from his apartment.“It just seemed like there was no one living there,” Kingpadith said.
I'd check around for some other missing people who aren't "living" there...

Vue Yang, a leader in the Sheboygan Hmong community, said Shadow Yang moved to Sheboygan from Detroit about 2001, when he started work at Rockline. He had no family here, and his parents live in Detroit. Vue Yang said he hadn’t seen Shadow Yang since he first came to the community.“He is part of the Yang clan, but he didn’t want to mix with anybody … he never attended any function or social activity, he just stayed by himself,” Vue Yang said. “That’s very unusual. Most of the time when there’s a summer festival or somebody died, or some New Year’s thing, people show up, but for some reason he didn’t come.”
Man, I'm a regular ticking time bomb myself!

But while Shadow Yang kept to himself, he also kept out of trouble, police and Rockline officials said. Sheboygan police had no contact with him outside of a 2001 citation for unsafe parking, and Rockline officials said he had a “very good record” in his five years working as a forklift operator.
His aim with those pointy forks was really good...

He stopped coming to work without explanation in October 2006, and had been unemployed since, said Lt. Jeff Johnston of the Sheboygan Police Department.
He had some blogging to catch up on...

Kingpadith said she wished her neighbor had reached out to someone before taking the drastic steps he did.“I wish he would talk to somebody or at least ask for some kind of help that he had to go and do this,” she said. “He was alone.”
So he could have taken more people with him?

The Twin Gripes

Inevitably, the question was asked, "Do you remember everything about September 11, 2001?"

"Of course," I blurted. "I paid a reasonable amount for a tank of gas and I was still proud to be an American."

Pop Goes the Lawsuit!

Doctor warns consumers of popcorn fumes
By MARCUS KABEL, Associated Press Writer
Wed Sep 5, 7:47 AM ET

Consumers, not just factory workers, may be in danger from fumes from buttery flavoring in microwave popcorn, according to a warning letter to federal regulators from a doctor at a leading lung research* hospital.

The Pop Secret is out! Knew there was a reason I liked Doritos.

A pulmonary specialist at Denver's National Jewish Medical and Research Center has written to federal agencies to say doctors there believe they have the first case of a consumer who developed lung disease from the fumes of microwaving popcorn several times a day for years.

Wait a minute - eating four bags of microwave popcorn a day might be bad for you? It might indicate other health and nutrition problems?

"We cannot be sure that this patient's exposure to butter flavored microwave popcorn from daily heavy preparation has caused his lung disease," cautioned Dr. Cecile Rose. "However, we have no other plausible explanation."

Like his two-pack per day Marlboro habit? Why would you say that, Dr. Rose of Newport Beach, SC, married to an R.J. Reynolds heir?

The July letter, made public Tuesday by a public health policy blog, refers to a potentially fatal disease commonly called popcorn lung that has been the subject of lawsuits by hundreds of workers at food factories exposed to chemicals used for flavoring.

Pop music to the snack cracker companies' ears...

In response to Rose's finding, the Flavor and Extract Manufacturers Association issued a statement Tuesday recommending that its members reduce "to the extent possible" the amount of diacetyl in butter flavorings they make. It noted that diacetyl is approved for use in flavors by the federal Food and Drug Administration.

The Flavor and Extract lobby is very powerful. That's why there's so many black jelly beans in a bag.

One national popcorn manufacturer, Weaver Popcorn Co. of Indianapolis, said last week it would replace the butter flavoring ingredient because of consumer concern. Congress has also been debating new safety measures for workers in food processing plants exposed to diacetyl.

In a totally unrelated incident, Jiffy Pop Stove Top Popcorn sales are threatening to blow the tinfoil roof off the industry...

The FDA said in an e-mail it is evaluating Rose's letter and "carefully considering the safety and regulatory issues it raises."

Bribes are being prepared now. If you were sick of ethanol kick-backs, just wait!

Fred Blosser, spokesman for the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health, said it is the first case the institute has seen of lung disease apparently linked to popcorn fumes outside the workplace.

Oh, but we knew about the ones inside all along. Didn't tell the employees. But we knew.

The occupational safety arm of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said it is working on a response to the letter.

Because they keep smudging their reply with their greasy 'real butter' fingers...

William Allstetter, spokesman for National Jewish Medical, confirmed the letter was sent by Rose, a specialist in occupational and environmental lung diseases and director of the hospital's Occupational and Environmental Medicine Clinic.

Forget letters that have anthrax fall out of them - the new threat is Mrs. Dash's Butter Substitute

"There have been no other cases that we know of other than the industrial occupational ones," Allstetter said.

Butter not be.

Rose acknowledged in the letter that it is difficult to confirm through one case that popping buttered microwave popcorn at home can cause lung disease.

Like perhaps it's the malignant Maytag Microwave????

However, she said she wanted to alert regulators of the potential public health implications.

You realize every business in America just banned Microwave Popcorn as a CYA that does nothing to address actual employee safety issues...

Rose said the ailing patient, a man whom she wouldn't identify, consumed "several bags of extra butter flavored microwave popcorn" every day for several years.

Bet it's her dad.

He described progressively worsening respiratory symptoms of coughing and shortness of breath. Tests found his ability to exhale was deteriorating, Rose said, although his condition seemed to stabilize after he quit using microwave popcorn.

Really? Quit how? Hazelden Pretzelden?

She said her staff measured airborne levels of diacetyl in the patient's home when he cooked the popcorn. The levels were "similar to those reported in the microwave oven exhaust area" at the quality assurance unit of the popcorn plant where the affected employees worked, she said.

Did the extra exertion of the subject as he pounded on the little metal box screaming "Faster, dammit! Pop faster!" help things along any?

David Michaels, of the George Washington University School of Public Health, who first published Rose's letter on his blog, The Pump Handle, said the finding is another reason for federal regulators to crack down on diacetyl exposure by workers and consumers.

You go, Pop Culture Bloggers!!

"This letter is a red flag, suggesting that exposure to food flavor chemicals is not just killing workers, but may also be causing disease in people exposed to food flavor chemicals in their kitchens," Michaels wrote on his public health policy blog.

Mrumg...wreally? Like these (crunch, crunch) Fakin' Bits I put on my salad every night?

*Funded by the Orville Redenbacher Old Fashioned Popcorn Institute

Veni, Vedi, Visa II

Some events you can attend once or twice, and then you’re bored or at least want a break for a few years. For some reason, I can’t get enough of a local Maxwell Street Days festival. A glorified sidewalk sale near the end of summer has become an annual event for me and Louise, and we now have it down to a science, eating breakfast and dinner with hours and hours of shopping in between.

This year, I decided my theme would be the letter S.

Sandals: The end-of-season half price sale on Minnetonkas is not to be missed! Every year I get at least one pair for the next season. This year I wanted orange.
Seahorses: so far I’ve bought a candle holder and purse with a seahorse theme at the event, so I was on the lookout for anything else that might catch my eye.
Sunglass holder: mine broke.
Scented candles: Love ‘em!
Scarves: scored some nice ones in years past.
Skirt: for some reason I get really good wool skirts at this event. I’m not sure why, as most of the merchandise is summer wear on clearance, but who am I to argue?
Stegosaurus: I have a stuffed Triceratops, Proceratops, Raptor, Tyrannosaurus, Apatosaurus and Godzilla. (Yes, I know… but he’s really cool and makes the trademark roar while his eyes light up red when you squeeze his tummy…) I suddenly decided I needed a Stegosaurus. So shoot me.

So I had no problems with the orange sandals, or the other two cool pairs I found at Jones New York.

No scented candles to be found, and nary a Stegosaur or Seahorse in sight. I did however, stumble into a Speed Racer close out and snapped up a pink baby doll T with the whole gang (including my favorite character, the Mach 5) on it and a Speed Racer coffee mug!

Also got a great deal on a little lighthouse purse that will match my lighthouse scarf and a Route 66 rolling tote bag to replace the one that broke.

When reading fashion magazines, I like to rip out the pages featuring outfits I’d like to try or buy. I keep these in the closet until I assemble the needed pieces. For several years I’ve had a photo of a tall willowy model in a camel-colored tartan plaid skirt (complete w/big safety pin) as a ‘must have’ item on my wish list. When I would spot such an item in a store, it would always be super long – for that tall toothpick-like supermodel. I’d hold it up and watch the fringe drag along the ground. So much for looking cool in tall boots. No one would know I had boots on. Finally, I threw the picture out. I was never going to find it.

Much to my surprise, right on the sidewalk was the skirt! And it was short! Only to my knee. Glancing at the tag, I saw 9/10. Not my usual size, but it looked as if it might fit – and it was 50% off!!
First, a word about me and “50% Off”. I’m reasonably bright. Capable of basic math. Cognizant of the national conspiracy from the President on down to get me to spend my hard-earned dollars, lest the terrorists win. Cerebral enough to recognize the Skinner Box a coupon presents to my psyche. Yet, I still get excited by the words “Clearance” and “percent off”. Where’s my pellet? What do you mean this coupon’s expired?

Anyhoo… I go into the Irish import store and try on the wool kilt. Due to an elastic waistband, it fits. Score! As I’m checking out, I notice the tag says ‘ages 9-10. Children’s Kilt.” Oh. Must be some ‘authentic’ native dress for tweens doing Riverdance. Who cares? It’ll look great with boots all winter.

I really should research what that particular tartan means. I’ll bet it corresponds to the “Coupon-Wielding Cheapskate Clan” or the “Short Sarcastic Lassies of the Lowlands”.

I've Been Reading/Watching

Need to report on all the things I’ve been reading/watching from way back when it was too rainy to go outside. Now, it’s too mosquito-y to go outside.

Tara Road – movie with Andie MacDowell
After reading Circle of Friends (loved it) and seeing the movie with Minnie Driver (loved it, but why change the ending?) I must question whether the book had such a happy ending. But who cares? Just cute escapist chick movie. I love Andie, so I give it an A- for feel-good no-brainer.

Documentaries
Screamers – System of a Down
The Diary of Immaculee
Nothing like a rainy weekend and some documentaries about genocide to make you feel good! Jokes aside, these were both very informative and eye-opening. I wish Diary had been longer and more in-depth. It certainly made me realize how violence can happen anywhere, with any excuse. There’s a lot more I would like to know about – how she left the country, etc. and I realize it would take many more hours to discuss that. I plan on getting her book to see if it covers her whole life more effectively.
Screamers: B+
Immaculee: B-

NOVA specials
Kingdom of the Seahorse….Awwww! About time males took some responsibility for reproduction. B+
DNA: Secret of Photo 51 Gee, I want to be a woman scientist when I grow up! No wonder Lisa Nowak went nuts. There’s just no respect for women in science. A for outrage.

Becket Movie w/Richard Burton Peter O’Toole
Love costume dramas in castles! Love the relevance of the topic: we still can’t get a priest into a courtroom to face civil laws. A.

Wonderful Tonight – Autobiography of Pattie Boyd
In case you don’t know, Pattie Boyd was the model who married George Harrison of the Beatles, only to leave him for Eric Clapton. Do you need any more name dropping than that to pick up this book? I certainly didn’t. I give the book a B. I give the vicarious thrills an A. This is pretty much every woman’s fantasy. Well, at least mine. I’d love for Robert Plant and Klaus Meine to get into a fight over me. Oh, let’s throw Steve Perry, Alice Cooper, Sammy Hagar and David Coverdale in there too. Just for good measure. May the best rocker win.

Speaking of rock-wannabe’s…
A cute book is Mom, Have You Seen My Leather Pants? by Craig A. Williams
Craig writes about his experiences as a teen musician in the 80s. Hysterical! B.

The Bourne Ultimatum - Movie
Mr. Right and I went to see this, despite my dread of public movie theaters. The movie was great, I give it an A! It was so refreshing to see the anti-24. Perhaps Bourne signifies our nation’s conscience?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (in progress)

Dear Ms. Rowling:

As I am not yet finished with this book, I realize this comment may be premature, however…

I don’t care if you kill off Harry, Hermione, Ron and the whole kit and caboodle at Hogwarts – in fact, if you did, I would only respect you more for teaching little ones that good never does triumph over evil. But how could you be so callous as to off that innocent little fluff-ball Hedwig? People dying? Tough toenails. Animals*? Not allowed!!!

Girl Who Cried Through Dances With Wolves Because Wolf and Horse Were Shot

*Includes Magical Creatures

Pigs Fly!

From the "They're Handing out Earmuffs in Hell" dept.:

LOS ANGELES -- Owen Wilson, hospitalized after an apparent suicide attempt, has dropped out of the upcoming ensemble comedy "Tropic Thunder."
The 38-year-old actor will not appear in the DreamWorks movie, already six weeks into production in Hawaii. Sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they weren't authorized to comment, told The Associated Press that Wilson was to have a cameo role in the film. "Tropic Thunder" stars Jack Black, Robert Downey, Jr., and Ben Stiller, who is also directing.

Who could have guessed that Owen Wilson would be the high-risk bet to not complete a picture due to personal demons/drug use? I mean, if Robert Downey Jr. is still upright... Whew! Owen must really be a mess.
For great Owen coverage, see: OwenWatch

Why I Hate America

As mentioned before, I’ve really procrastinated about getting a passport. For, oh, about, 32 years. Since I’ve never gone anywhere or done anything – in short “No Life” – it’s never been an issue. Just an “I really should” and “someday I’ll…”. Yeah. Right. Whatever.

So when all the hoopla of “Now You Really Need One or We Won’t let You Back in from Canada*” came up, I thought I really should get around to it. Sometime. Whenever.

First, I got the forms. Back in December, I think. Went to my local post office and picked them up easily. Found out that the post office in next town over would take the completed application, as would the courthouse. I’m on my way!

Fortunately they were festooned with obnoxious orange headers which made them easy to spot as they spent the next six months moving from ‘to do’ pile to ‘just make a neat stack’ pile to ‘I really need to get to this pile’.

Read forms. Filled out simple questions. Argued with Mr. Right about how Hazel is Light Brown, and his eyes are NOT Light Brown, not even close, just put down Blue, damnit! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!!

Shuffle papers.

Applied to get a ‘certified’ copy of my birth certificate. Ranted about how many people can’t prove they are in this country legally, yet my legitimacy is questioned to the tune of $17. Wait another week.

Received proof that I am indeed alive. Lamented fact that there is no fee to pay in order to ‘Get A Life’, as this would be far more useful.

Had Al take my picture. Worried I wouldn’t look ‘innocent’ enough for customs. Worried when photo is flashed on nightly news next to phrase Suspected Al Qaida Operative the girls from High School will say, “Well she certainly has put on some weight!” before getting to: “I always knew she would amount to no good”.

Spent an afternoon discovering there is no way to resize a photo with the crappy software that came with the computer, and figured the next 20 minutes is not the time to try Photoshop out for the first time. Decided that will be my next Procrastination Project.
Wondered if the whole 2” X 2” thing was some plot to keep people from doing their own photos so they could charge $6 for an ugly DMV photo.

Went to appointed post office after work. Big signs greeted me, “Now Open Until 7 p.m.”

Stood in line. Stood. Stood. Wondered why these idiots haven’t learned the joys of on-line bill pay. Stood. Stood. Don’t really care about your kid at college. If he can’t figure out how to pick up his mail, is he really college material? Stood.

“Hi, I’m here for the passport…”

“I’m sorry. We only do passports until 4:30 p.m. Next!!”

Excuse me? Only to 4:30? How did I miss that on your big sign? Oh, wait, IT WASN’T THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This whole passport scam is working like a charm! Now I WANT to leave the country. Forever!!!! Uncle Sam can let some third world blogger come in and do my complaining for pennies on the dollar. I should have asked for some old Priority Mail Boxes. They look pretty waxy. Just give me a shove towards Cuba, I bet Fidel would love to see me. He wouldn’t ask for no stinkin’ passport…



*You know, NASCAR started due to some moonshiners trying to out run the law. I’ve always thought Mr. Right would be a prime candidate for being a prescription drug runner for old people…

Owen, what were you thinking?

Owen Wilson drops out of Stiller movie

...had been due to take part in Tropic Thunder, directed by friend and long-time collaborator Ben Stiller.
However trade journals Daily Variety and the Hollywood reporter said Wilson had now dropped out of the film, which began shooting in Hawaii recently.

NO!! That's Career Suicide!! Nooooooooooo!!! Where's his agent? Get him on the set!! That's a loss of ten million dollars!!! Nooooooooo!!! Suck up some Prozac and get to work!!! Like who can be all 'woe is me' in Hawaii? Didn't see Magnum P.I. crying into his umbrella drink, now did you? Book 'em Dano! On charges of Self-Absorption with Intent to Wallow.

A Special Message From Al

Dear Mr. Stiller:

I can only imagine how distraught you are at the personal turmoil of good friend and Tropic Thunder co-star, Owen Wilson. With days to go before shooting on location in Hawaii, Mr. Wilson had to regretfully drop out of your production.

But, as they say, the show must go on.

Which is why I would like to offer my services as a funny, blond heart-throb.

Oh, sure, my nose is annoyingly small, pert and perfect, but I'm short! 5'7" or so, almost an inch shorter than you. Imagine how good you'll look.

Call me!

Mr. Right

P.S. Next time you visit Owen, say "Hi" to my wife. (Owen got my wife -I got his job - win-win!!)

Spin Out City

AUTO ABUSE!!

Here’s one for the “Too much money, Too much horsepower, Too little brains” file.

Once again an idiot celebrity has destroyed an innocent super car with callous disregard. This time the victim is a Lamborghini Murcielago Roadster LP640. (The 640 stands for the horsepower of the car - !)
It has 12 cylinders, cost $353,400, and was seriously damaged in the incident.

Bear’s linebacker Lance Briggs abandoned the car on the Edens Expressway in Chicago shortly after crashing it around 3 a.m. He initially reported the car had been stolen. This has led to speculation he fled the scene to avoid charges of driving while impaired. Right now, there is no evidence to that effect. Or more than speculation that he may have been coming home from a dog fight... At any rate, he needs to be punished!

I’d like to see some public outrage along the lines of Michael Vick here, people!!

One of my favorite bloggers, Jennsylvania, led the charge to put public pressure on corporations using Vick as a sponsor to drop him after dog fighting charges were filed. Jen actively works to rescue and rehabilitate pit bulls, knowing firsthand the damage that dog fighting can cause. As a sports car aficionado, I would likewise urge others who feel as I do to join me in demanding spoiled celebrities lose custody of their cars once it is proven they don’t deserve them. These vehicles should be then adopted by loving owners who have proven they can care for a fine automobile. You know, people like myself.

Speaking of the La Brea Tar Pits

Louise: There’s a special on the National Geographic channel about the Dire Wolf and how the grey wolf succeeded while they died out…

Me: Cool! Thanks for telling me, I love that stuff. I’ll turn it on.

***(next day)***

Louise: Did you turn on the NG channel? I watched the Dire Wolf, the Saber Toothed-Tiger and the buffalo specials…

Me: I saw some of the first two. You know what caused the extinction of the Dire Wolf? The rise of the mighty NASCAR. Seems Intimidius Minoris edged them out every commercial break, so I didn’t quite get to see everything. We really need two TVs.

Skate N' Stumble

Distraught from yesterday’s loss of skating time, I decided to go straight from work to the bike path tonight in the hopes of getting in some much-needed exercise.

After lacing up, I was barely underway when a bicyclist warned me the cracks in the pavement had been ‘tarred’. Even he was having a problem with it grabbing at his bike tires, and was unhappy with the decision to spread sticky goo on the trail rather than undertake proper repairs.

My guess is the powers-that-be figured it would look like they were ‘maintaining’ the trail to the throngs of holiday revelers out and about over the Labor Day weekend.

In reality, other than a few mowings along the sides of the trail, very little is ever done in the way of care for the trail. What they need to do is use a street-sweeper on it twice a week. I pay taxes. Heck, I’ll even donate extra money to the cause, if they would keep the leaves and twigs off it. They never consider the rollerblader. Only the bicyclists. Frequently sections of the trail will be little gaps of gravel, or gaping holes. Perhaps this is of little consequence to a mountain bike, but to an inline skater, it’s a huge health hazard.

Sure enough, as I start to skate I see hundreds of thin lines where a fresh rubbery black coating has been applied to cracks along the pavement. The vertical ones don’t bother me; I can usually skate to the right or left of them with a swooping ease. It’s the horizontal ones that are the killers. They require an actual ‘hop’ over the fault line, rather than the regular side-to-side gliding motion. So instead of push-glide, push-glide, push-glide - my journey became: skate, skate, hop; skate, skate, hop, hop, skate, swoosh, skate, skate, hop… One false move and my little rubber wheel would snag in the rubbery glop jerking me to the pavement with the force of a freight train. Not a pleasant thought.

Did I mention it was 90 degrees out at 5:30 p.m.? Although I couldn’t go faster than .02 miles per hour, the effort of leaping over ‘fills’ had my forehead starting to perspire. The black tar bubbled with anticipation as it awaited my misstep. Like the La Brea Tar Pits, it gurgled knowingly, lying in wait for that foolish creature bound to become ensnared…

I did less than four miles before giving up. In these weather conditions, the tar might not cure until next season. Between the twigs, leaves, and tar, I became extremely discouraged. I may have to seek out some new paths for the remainder of the season – or switch to biking. Anything that keeps me moving faster than the mosquitoes!

Why Does she Bother Calling?

Mom: Oh my, have you seen the news? The stock market continues to fall! I’m so worried.

Me: And when they declare size-six shoes as currency I’ll own this planet and everyone on it! Bwha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!!!! Slaves! You’ll all be my slaves!!

Tried to Let Him Down Easy

Owen Wilson suicide attempt!!!

Owen, babe - I love you, really; but it would never work between us. I’m already married, and you have major commitment issues. Sure, you’re gorgeous and rich. But honest, I need to stay here in this crappy little Main Street town and pour my problems out into cyberspace. You can live the Hollywood jet-set life with out me.

Or, maybe not.

Here's a great article about how much Hollywood really cares about my cutie...

And another thing: what is it about despondency that makes you 'slash a wrist'? Does Freud have something to say about that body part? Why not just take a bath with your toaster and get it over with? Now Owen's going all Sylvia Plath on us? What next? Rehab Crashers? You, Me and the Easy Bake Oven of End-it-All?

Speaking of Strange Butterflies...

Here's a great Maxim article about the disappearance of Philip Taylor Kramer. Love those Conspiracy Theories! Keep 'em coming.


He sounds like a nut, but I've never believed there to be a speed limit to the universe, so I can understand his quest. Not to mention how much I love In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida!