Thursday, December 28, 2006

QUINCENTENNIAL POST!

In Memoriam




It's always sad to lose a former president, but at least it will keep the others off the streets while attending his funeral. Wonder if Betty will give out daypasses from the clinic so all the celebrities can attend?


Only unelected president? Oh, wait, that describes Dubya too...

Words to Live By

"I still can't believe that people I know, my peers, are making babies.
I'm too lazy to make a salad."
Hellura Lyle

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Barbar-ic?

Name a stakes race after injured race horse Barbaro? Great idea!

Remove Sir Barton's name from said race so Barbaro can replace him? Bad idea!

Why on earth can't a new race be created to honor Barbaro? Not that this kind of official name flip-flopping is without precedent, I'm just saying there is no justification. Inaugurated in 1993, the 1 1/16 mile race for three-year-olds commemorates the first Triple Crown winner Sir Barton's 1919 achievement. Why the change?

Horse fans, speak up! There are plenty of races to go around! Why should one modern horse cancel out another from an earlier era?

In other Barbaro news, a children's book is planned, and there's a TY plush of Barbaro I must get my hands on!

Why Didn't I Think of That?

From a humorous Chicago Tribune article:


What I'm currently using...

--PolarFleece Blogging Gear. That stereotype about blogging being an activity done in one's pajamas is so Web 1.0. Put it "to bed" forever by purchasing our special Cozy Fleece Bloggin' Sack and matching Blog Clogs: Indoor Footwear for Bloggers. The first is a shapeless, 200-weight, man-size zip-in bag that's just perfect for thinking great thoughts or starting flame wars (it's fire retardant!). The second are one-size-fits-all, and our testers say they're like walking on clouds, although they're great, too, for just wearing as you sit in your computer chair all day long. Sack: $25 with rudimentary sleeves, $20 with simple armholes. Clogs: $15, whole sizes only, please. Specify navy blue for political bloggers, pink for "mommy bloggers."

-Second Life Tees. If you're an aficionado of the online world Second Life, you've probably had hours and hours -- and hours and hours -- of fun. But you've probably also heard complaints from flesh-and-blood people about "reality," "addiction" and "ridiculousness." They just don't get it! To help them understand, our new line of T-shirts lets you wear your lifestyle choice with pride. Printed in 1970s computer font on heavyweight cotton T's, slogans include "Get a (Second) Life," "Second Life Is Way Cooler than Dungeons and Dragons," "Two Lives Are Better than One" and the new "My Girlfriend Went on Second Life and All I Got Was Dumped. Oh, and This T-Shirt." $20. With each purchase, you'll also get a digital version of the shirt for your online avatar to wear inside Second Life itself. What could be cooler than that?

Cheap Cash-mere

Hey, I didn’t know. I just didn’t know.
Baa-aa-d for the Environment!
Before picking up this
Chicago Tribune article, I never knew the environmental costs of the cheap cashmere sweaters I’ve been stocking up on the past several years. I just figured prices came down as chains such as Fields, TJ Maxx and Kohl’s offered their customers 1-ply lower quality cashmere and cashmere-blend offerings. I bit. I thought it the greatest thing to have a cashmere hoodie and V-necks in multiple colors. I even bagged an awesome yellow cardigan that had a tiny flaw in it and was thus relegated to the clearance rack. I had no idea I had helped create the dustbowl of the 00s.

In the case of cashmere, America snapped up a record-smashing 10.5 million
Chinese sweaters last year, 15 times as many as a decade ago, and far more than
every cashmere sweater imported last year from Italy and the United Kingdom
combined.It's impossible to say how much any single product contributes to
China's choking air pollution. But the spike in demand for cashmere is taking a
toll on the soil, air and water in China as well as the U.S.--a cost that never
appears on any store's tag. And many consumers are unaware of the link.

Reading the article, you will learn how overgrazing has created a desert, which in turn creates deadly duststorms, erosion, and of course, loss of habitat for all animals and humans.

A storm in 2002 forced 1.8 million South Koreans to seek medical help and
cost the country $7.8 billion in damage to industries such as airlines and
semiconductors, said the state-run Korea Environment Institute.

Knowing China, can I really count this an accident?

However, before we blame my closet for the ills of global climate change, I’d like to point out many factors helped this disaster occur; the least of which would be my pawing through sweater displays while shop clerks wince. (Yes, I have to touch every one before deciding which half dozen to try on, and no, I can’t fold them all back up nice and flat like you do…)

Mao, and his great ideas for rampant development and factory farms…
Jiang Zemin, for seeing a buck without creating a sustainability plan…
America, for even trading with China without attaching the proper strings,
and of course, the root of all evil on the planet: Human Overpopulation.

So think twice before buying that next downy-soft sweater. I know I will. As somebody who owns a yard big enough for a goat, and knows a friend with a loom…I may just produce my own. For more on the topic, visit:
www.chicagotribune.com/china

Monday, December 25, 2006

Words to Live By

"The Vatican came down with
a new ruling; no surrogate mothers.
Good thing they didn't make this rule
before Jesus was born."
Elayne Boosler

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Narcissists Rejoice!

See, Mom? I did amount to something! Time Magazine's Person of the Year, no less. Excuse me while I update my resume...



Gosh, it seems Time didn't notify their sponsor of the issue, Chrysler Corporation, of their sly pick in advance. Why should they? What harm could it do?

Chrysler was only too happy to pay millions to be the sole advertiser and purveyor of this witty campaign:

"You might not be Time Person of the Year. But you can drive like you are."

If you're looking for any marketing managers, I'm sure you can find this bunch on Monster.com this morning...

Heh, heh, heh. Go ahead, buy that marked down Sebring sedan. YOU deserve it.

Don't Get My Hopes Up (Again)


Infertility crisis? Yeah, right. Supposedly the movie never explains why. That's because there are always a few ticket holders like myself in the crowd - Lex Luther wannabes, looking for ideas.
What if chaos didn't ensue? What if everyone took a deep breath and relaxed? Enjoyed nature, once there was some room for it. Took better care of the people already here? Nobody wants to see that movie. Real Estate Developers would have it banned. Heck, the Huggies people are probably tyring to sue Oprah right now for not having adopted an African orphan yet...

Peace on Earth and Goodwill to Lizardkind


Hmmm… seems there’s a bit of competition in the field of ‘dressing and photographing lizards’.



"Thank you David Letterman, Brian, Mike, Ryan, Jerry and all the staff at
Late Night with Letterman! I had a lot of fun on your show!" -- Lily

At just 10-years old, Florida native and entrepreneur Lily Capehart is
gaining international acclaim for her unique ability to catch and "hypnotize"
the wild South Florida anole lizards.
Lily’s gift was realized at the young age of two when according to her mother, Dina, Lily chased down and captured the critters wherever they went. Unlike most girls her age, instead of playing with dolls, Lily dresses up and plays with lizards. With her uncanny ability to “relax” and “hypnotize” them, Lily began dressing the lizards in costumes and creating whimsical scenes. Lily’s photographer father, Lucien Capehart, immortalized the colorful creations. The wonderful world of “Lizard-Ville”™ was born. Lily, with help from her mom, has parlayed “Lizard-ville”™
into a line of greeting cards and artwork. Eventually there will be children’s books published. As Lily is quick to note, “all these lizards were handled with love and respect and in no way were they harmed in any way, shape or form”.
http://www.lizard-ville.net/


Worse yet, she’s been on David Letterman, quite an achievement. My guys have yet to be invited. Just as well. Paul Schafer would probably frighten them

Thursday, December 21, 2006

But Wait, There's More!

Oh, my God!!!

Remind me again about what people did BI? (Before Internet) Specifically BYT?

I mean, if I don't have a life now, what was I doing back in the day? Honestly, I have this friend who doesn't have a computer at all. No connection whatsoever. I asked her: how do you ever expect your teenage daughter to meet 45-year-old sex offenders? Really now. Shouldn't I call Child Services?

More importantly, shouldn't I get a video camera? I mean, if this gets play...

I just keep thinking about how my life would be so different today if I had accessed the internet as tween. The Feds would have busted down our door, and my mother would still be trying to get me released from Gitanamo...

They would have passed a law to protect the pedophiles from me...

Hollywood Herps

Hey! What gives?
thejeepchannel
Once again, a reptile is featured in a national commercial making money for its keeper when my little couch potatoes are just sitting around brumating. I really need to put my guys to work. The missed opportunities are endless!

There's Mr. Turtle from My Name is Earl...
The Geiko Gecko...
and now, the Jeep Bearded Dragon!

Oh, Don't Get My Hopes Up

FROM AP:
By MARIA CHENG, AP Medical Writer

A flu virus as deadly as the one that caused the 1918 Spanish flu could kill as many as 81 million worldwide if it struck today, a new study estimates. By applying historical death rates to modern population data, the researchers calculated a death toll of 51 million to 81 million, with a median estimate of 62 million.

Besides Blogging

I've been reading:

The Talented Clementine by Sara Pennypacker
Love this series! Cute and funny.

The Girls: A Novel by Lori Lansens
I'm not done yet, but this is a great book - the author is a great writer and does a beautiful job of imagining the inner lives of conjoined twins.

Listening:

Eric Clapton Crossroads
Classic.

Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett
Could I sit down and read a Pratchett novel? Doubtful. But on audio? Greatest thing on Earth!!

From AudioFile

Terry Pratchett's hilarious prose is significantly enhanced by the narrative skills of Stephen Briggs. The story, another in the Discworld saga, highlights the recruiting efforts of a small country chronically at war with its neighbors. A rotund sergeant and weasely corporal sweep through a small town, and one of the misfits who volunteers to thwart them is Polly Perks, disguised as a teenaged boy barely of age. Briggs takes on the misfits and makes them shine. As the little group proceeds from one improbable adventure to the next, Briggs and Pratchett are magnificent. D.A.W. 2004 Audie Award Finalist © AudioFile 2004, Portland, Maine-- Copyright © AudioFile, Portland, Maine --This text refers to the Audio Cassette edition.

A Smart 27

http://www.flashbynight.com/test/

Would have scored higher, but I'm slow on the uptake when it comes to math...

Monday, December 18, 2006


Hark the Herald Lizards Sing !

Yes, the lizards are dressed as little angels this year, although it’s hard to see the wings in this photo. Also, the more astute among you may have also noticed there are only two Bearded Dragon lizards featured this year. The youngest, Snappy, passed away this summer; hence the ‘angels with harps’ theme. Although our holiday will be a little sadder without Snap, we are celebrating just the same. That means massive amounts of trans-fats, because you never know if the ban might be successful.
Merry Christmas to all, and Best Wishes Towards Getting a Life in the New Year!!

Top Twenty Signs You Need to Get a Life …

You’ve spent more time procrastinating about this post than actually writing it…

You read the Letters to the Editor Page to find out who your friends are…and enemies.

You have to have a long talk with your spouse about how the living room has a one-trophy limit…

Al Gore won’t return your calls…

You scour the clearance racks for doll clothes that look like they might fit your Bearded Dragons…

The local shopping mall sends you a get well card if you miss a week…

Your watch dog is sleeping on the package the UPS man left…

Donald Rumsfeld asks if he can use you as a reference…

You wonder what’s in pepperoni; but not too long, because it’s your favorite food…

Your cat has a more active social life than you do…

The number of shoes in your closet far exceeds anything featured on Sex in the City…

Your hunting party introduces new member Dick Cheney…

You solve your home appliance problems by typing “Maytag Sucks” into a Google search engine…

The thought of global warming pleases you…

Your biggest charitable contribution of the year went to “Keep it Field’s”…

Salman Rushdie gets out more than you do…

The last home-cooked meal you made ended in “Helper”…

Judith Regan says she’ll never ask your opinion on anything again…

You use your pet fish as a barometer…

But the #1 way to tell you need a life is:

You look forward to getting a Christmas card with lizards on it every year!

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Slower but Safer


The Mostest!

Kudos to Arlington Park Racetrack for making the expensive decision to switch to a synthetic racing surface to minimize injuries for both horses and riders.

From the
Bloodhorse:

Arlington Park, where at least 21 Thoroughbred horses had to be euthanized after leg injuries on the dirt track during the 2006 racing season, will replace the dirt with a synthetic racing surface next year.

Arlington Park president Roy Arnold said Thursday that the track will invest $10 million to install the new surface. The project should be completed before Arlington's 2007 race meet, which opens May 4.

Synthetic surfaces were pioneered in Europe, and have been found to reduce injuries and drain water faster than traditional dirt tracks.

However, horses run slower on the rubbery stuff, and early observations tend to favor turf horses switching to synthetic over dirt horses making the change. Time will tell, but I for one wonder if training and most races could be conducted on synthetics, with some dirt tracks preserved for super-speed horses that want to go for a record.

After reading the book
Man O' War: A Legend Like Lightning, I do believe he was never truly tested. Since our greats of the past raced on dirt, I would want an even comparison for the next equine star.

Ragin' Romaine

Now health officials believe lettuce, and not green onions, may be to blame for the recent E. coli outbreak that sickened 71 people in five states.

(Onions everywhere cried with relief.)

Perhaps a new restaurant chain called "Lettuce Infect You" is in order here...


Ask not for whom the Taco Bell Tolls...

Words to Live By

"When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign tht they 'don't understand' one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to."
Helen Rowland

I'd Scratch Your Eyes Out For This!

Love this leopard coat from L.A.M.B. !



"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain


So I'm in the lunch room at work reading this newspaper column on "Fashion Don'ts" about how you shouldn't be dressed in head-to-toe animal prints over the age of forty. Hmmm. I look down at my Zebra business suit and shrug. Can't win 'em all. I didn't know there was a statue of limitations on tacky. Has anyone notified Elton John?

Sorry, but animal prints are my bread-and-butter. I have leopard (snow and african), giraffe, snake, cheeta, zebra, aligator...

Dressed to Kill

I must have this outfit!!!

I despise Eva Longoria, but when I saw this photo, I decided that I would publicly declare her my BFF for this outfit. Heck, I'd even go on The View and say it. That's how bad I want this outfit. The only info given is that the mink wrap is a Cassin for $7,495. Does Eva have garage sales?