Don't You Just Hate ...

People who look better drunk than you do sober?


Chicago Police busted busty brunette Playboy centerfold Crystal McCahill for driving her 2005 VW Passat through a red light, while drunk and mumbling incoherently.


Don't you make enough from a centerfold to buy a cool car???

Awwwwww!

Happy Square Root Day!

And stay tuned for Pi Day!


Make mine blueberry with vanilla ice cream. MMMMM!

So Shoe Me

At the health club tonight, my foot kept slipping on the step. I didn't think much of it until I got back to the locker room and took of my Avias and saw a the rubber heel was made of two pieces, and they have pulled apart.

Way to go! After only two years of health-club-only wear, the shoe falls apart. What's with that? Does no one practice craftsmanship any more? Take any pride in the product they produce? Some third-world fourteen-year-old working sixteen hour days had to go to the bathroom and deliver twins right when my shoe was coming down the line? Thanks tons. See if I buy this brand again.

Al suggested I take it back to the place I bought it. Great idea, if I could recall where that was. He considered a letter to the manufacturer, but most likely they would say they knew some of their defectives ended up at low-end stores on the Clearance rack, and, well, we all know that's where I shop, so not a plan.

I hope my other pair holds up better. For now, I'm having a Shoe-mergency. I actually need a pair! Has that happened before? Not often. I better start looking for a coupon now. I'll limp through KickBox tomorrow and hopefully can try and get out shopping Thursday or Friday.

Watch the video titled "The Office" here. It's staring ME!

Am I The Only One?

Whose entire 'retirement plan' consists of Bernie Madoff blinking out the number of a Swiss bank account to me during his trial??

My Funeral Will be Financed by a Coupon

Eleven. It's one more.

As mentioned in the post below, another five inches of snow and ice has kept me inside today. And yesterday, and the day before...

All I've done is drink beverages with artificial sweeteners and caffeine. I'm pretty sure my liver signed up on a donor list to get away from me when I wasn't looking. About the only thing positive I have to report is my recent encounter with some Walgreen's coupons.

First off, what's with the prefix Wal? Wall Drugs? Walgreen's. Wal-Mart? Must be an ancient druid syllable for evil.

Anyhoo... I'm no fan of Walgreen's, but when you send me a COUPON, well, that's just not a level playing field. I get this flyer in the mail offering me $3 off any purchase of $10 or more. Ambrosia! Coupons are catnip for my soul. How can I say no to almost 30% off if I play my cards right? Play them I did!

I have been wanting to buy some more Diet Coke, but the ungodly high prices at the grocery store have been deterring me. Some big caramel coloring shortage I'm not aware of? A case is now over seven dollars. I remember when it was under five...

Wow, Grandma, tell us more...

Well, this was before it was revealed that kola nut, caffeine, 7X, and lime combine to create a more brain-altering and addictive substance than methamphetamine; and just like the tobacco industry, the soda makers knew about it years earlier and covered up the deadly effects...

I tried a few off brands and found them to be just that - off. I'm not a Pepsi fan at all, so the more costly Coke is what I covet. What is it about products with phony 'secret recipes'?? I can't get enough of them. Coke. Kentucky Fried Chicken. Mmmmm!!! Eleven herbs and Carcinogens! Yum!*

So, due to the coupon, I decided to shop for soda. Score! They had three twelve-packs for eleven dollars, so that would give me the cost needed to invoke the coupon. I picked up both Diet and Diet With Lime and headed for the check out waving my coupon. After ringing me up, the little computer by the register began to print out those 'bonus coupons' based on your purchases. I didn't even know Walgreens did this! Lo and behold, a $2 coupon for anything two dollars or more!! Whee!!

After loading the soda in my trunk, I marched right back in for my 'second and separate visit'. I grabbed the People magazine with Rihanna on the cover. That brought the price in half! Then, when going through the magazine, I found a coupon for a FREE box of Milk Bones!!!

Score for the win!!!

*Motto: Trans-fat free since NEVER!

You Win, Weather

You win, Winter.

I am cold, pale, fat and depressed. I concede you are stronger than me and resistance is futile.

You will never go away and I now live in Narnia.

I hope you're happy. If you'll excuse me, I'm going back to the couch.

Your Home is Not a Zoo

Decidedly LESS fun than a barrel of monkeys

OK, can we all agree adolescent chimpanzees DO NOT make good pets?

And when the owner said it was a "Freak Accident", did you mentally add: "You're a freak, and there was a terrible accident"?

Will everyone reading this please promise not to give any of their animals Xanax?

How bad was it? The victim has no eyes, nose or jaw anymore. Medical personnel responding to the scene have received counseling. THAT's how bad it was. How sad for everyone.

STAMFORD, Conn. - Doctors say a Connecticut woman mauled by a 200-pound chimpanzee is making slight progress after more than seven hours of surgery by four teams of surgeons.Dr. Kevin Miller of Stamford Hospital says 55-year-old Charla Nash suffered extensive facial and hand injuries when she was attacked Monday. He says stabilizing her condition took more than seven hours of surgery. Nash was attended by hand specialists, plastic surgeons and specialists in orthopedics, ophthalmology and trauma. Miller says it's good that Nash has made some progress, but she has a long way to go. Nash was attacked by a 14-year-old domesticated chimpanzee owned by her friend, Sandra Herold of Stamford. Police shot and killed the chimp.
Earlier Wednesday, the owner of the domesticated chimpanzee backtracked on whether she gave the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax.
Sandra Herold told The Associated Press on Wednesday that she "never, ever" gave the drug to her 14-year-old chimp, Travis. However, Herold said in an interview aired Wednesday morning on NBC's "TODAY" show that she gave Travis the drug in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked Nash — she even showed a reporter the mug.

Who Hates Zoo??

The writers of the stimulus package, apparently...

"None of the funds appropriated or otherwise made available in this Act may be used by an State or local government, or any private entity, for any casino or other gambling establishment, aquarium, zoo, golf course, or swimming pool."

What?

A) I'm shocked rich white guys didn't make sure golf courses got a bailout. Low greens fees are expressly covered under 'pursuit of happiness by lying about my score".

B) Swimming pools are germ pits, so who cares?

C) Aquariums and Zoos are not Casinos!!!!

Some poor giraffe won't get his hay because you know darn well Grandma won't be giving up the Riverboat before taking the grand kids to the Zoo.

Guess what? Many U.S. zoos and aquariums were built 75 years ago as a result of Roosevelt's Works Progress Administration package. Now they badly need updating!

Somehow museums found their way into the funding... so where's the justice here? The language barring z&a mysteriously appeared last month in the final draft. Were they seen as a local attraction? Or just not worthy? Zoos are more than recreational activities, and loss of funding precisely when attendance may be down is disheartening.

Call on your Senators to fund these precious resources. I for one will not rest until "No Child Wednesdays" have been subsidized!!

Where's the 60s Muscle Car???

Check out Jalopnik's Ten Cars and the Type of Guys they Attract!


I used to want a Ferrari...

February Freeze

What everyday cars should look like...

As the auto industry is sinking, I won't be heading down to Chicago to shiver in long lines for a bagful of auto brochures of cars I have no intention of buying.

However, I was surprised to learn there was a Corvette Concept Car on display, one of the few reasons I might actually don thermal underwear. Seems GM has no intention of making this vehicle, which puts it right on par with every other concept car I've seen for the last twenty years. Instead, it's just a mock-up as a product placement in the new Transformers movie "Revenge of the Fallen". Yawn. How about a movie called "The Revenge of the Overly-Gas-Taxed"? You think zombies are scary? Wait until you see the entire population of Illinois after the proposed 19 cent gas-tax increase to bail out a failing Chicago Transportation System. I'd join the protest, but they cancelled the Free Trolleys.




And don't get me started on the Olympics!!!! Read about what happens to people who make waves here. This will be the biggest patronage project the world has ever seen, and I can only hope it is the final straw that brings Daley down.




Speaking of Zombies (and Raptors): lighten up, IDOT. This is good, clean, undead fun.

Let's All Meditate on the Green Lotus

From AutoBlog:

In spite of the large Dodge EV branding that was on this car when it first appeared last fall, it was obvious to all that it was simply a Lotus Europa. In spite of Chrysler's seemingly inexorable drive to insolvency in recent months, the engineers and designers in Auburn Hills have continued to try make the best use of the time they have left with a paycheck. The electric sports car now known as the Circuit EV has been the beneficiary of cross-hair nose job that is actually an improvement over the Lotus original. The tail has also been revamped and the plug socket has moved from the passenger side to the driver's side flank. The specs haven't changed so the Circuit is still a bit slower than a Tesla Roadster with a 0-60 time of under 5 seconds. The range is also estimated at 150-200 miles. It's anyone's guess what the real world range would be though since no one outside Chrysler or Lotus has thoroughly tested the Circuit yet. The other guess is whether Chrysler LLC will be around long enough to actually sell the Circuit to customers. Maybe we should start a pool to see which company will hold longer, Chrysler or Tesla?

What I want to know is: If you actually try to drive one of these cars like a sports car (i.e. punching it at a light to beat the guy in the next lane) would you get far less miles as it would sap the battery?? I see myself not being able to get home from work due to an ill-advised shootout with a Cobalt. Al says not to worry. My hard braking at stop signs will recharge it. At any rate, I'd love to own a Lotus and if it helped the environment, all the better.

Mixed Media

Sierpinski Valentine

Whew!

Well, we still have one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish over here, so it seems Daytona will make a full recovery.

Now I can spend my time worrying about animals in real peril -

The suffering survivors of the Australian wildfires.

You Betta Your Life

This is Super, not Daytona, but it's the only picture I had at the moment.

How do you apologize to a fish?

I may have killed poor little Daytona tonight, and I feel awful about it.



I was cleaning his (and Super's) tank in the laziest and most dangerous possible way - skimming off some of the water over the kitchen sink and planning to replace about 40% of it with fresh. Things were going fine until Daytona decided he DID want to leave with the old water and ended up stuck in the sink drain - sans strainer. I went from zero to Fishcon IV in 1/16th of a second, and had to grab him with my bare hands before he slipped down the drain of death.



He was obviously in bad shape, lolling on his side with blood red gills and Trout Almondine eyes. It was really creepy to see those little eyes at a 45-degree angle from his head. I thought he was gone for sure. Lacking Stress-Coat, I threw some salt in the water and hoped for the best.



He's a little better now. More vertical, calm. Dazed perhaps, in shock from all the excitement. I hope he makes it through the night.

Sounds Like My Bailout Will be North of $10K...

...These steps will put more money in the pockets of those Americans who are most likely to spend it*, and that will help break the cycle and get our economy moving.

* That would be ME.

GM, I'm waiting to hear from you!

The "Didn't Fly a Plane Into a Tower" Award

How to Survive the Recession

Clean out your garage!! (Click here to read about a $4 million-dollar-barn-find)

Happy Birthday, Alice!!

As always, I want to marry Vince, but honeymoon with Alice...