Am I the Only One?

...Who thinks that moments after Joe Perry

made statements to the press

about Aerosmith replacing Steven Tyler

he was besiged by texts and tweets from

David Lee Roth looking for a job?

Am I The Only One?

Who thinks maybe the water (or curriculum) at Virgina Tech needs a little scrutiny?



I love how his "disturbing blog posts" have been cited as a warning sign. Nothing to see here, folks, keep moving. Just move along. That's it. Surf on over to cuteoverload.com. Much better.


Authorities are trying to piece together the puzzle by interviewing aquaintences and rummaging through his belongings. Finding clues? Or planting them? Investigating? Or creating a backstory?

Perfection!!!

Horse of the Year!!

Deluge

Forty Days and Forty Nights...

Well, maybe not that many, but for me it was a no-shop of Biblical proportions. Poor Al got stuck in a TJ Maxx for over two hours watching a shopaholic fall off the wagon with a thunderous bump.

I'm now the proud owner of a credit card from them, and I'm hoping they will start sending me some coupons. Left with two sweaters and pair of Capri pants. All all threw into the mix was a pair of socks. I asked him if he wanted anything else and he said he maybe needed more socks. Men.

Do I need to spell out it is OK to buy more than one of something? Per trip? Helloooo.... I can't count the times I've spent an hour and a half watching him try on shoes to buy only one pair. Maybe two. Then that's it. For the year. What's up with that?

OMG!!

Dear GetALife,

Your detailed November 4, 2009 Kohl's Charge statement for the account ending in xxxxxx is now available.

To access the statement, access Kohl's and click the "My Kohl's Charge" link at the top of the page.

A statement summary has been included for your convenience:

New Balance: $0.00
Minimum Due: $0.00
Due Date: December 1, 2009


In a related story, Kevin Mansell, Kohl’s chairman, president and chief executive officer, commented that despite the chain being up 1.4% in October as a whole, he was very concerned about a few under-performing stores in the southern Wisconsin-northern Illinois area and has promised share holders he will 'get to the bottom' of this perplexing problem.

Drought Continues

Bringin' Shoppin' Back!!

Still haven't shopped, but I've been thinking about it. Makin' a list. Checkin' it twice... Gathering up the coupons.

DSW - $10 off any purchase $10 or more. Now to be effective, I'd have to find a pair of shoes $20 or less. But seeing as how I haven't bought any in... well... month... I might just go wild and have that only cover the sales tax.

Victoria's Secret - free panty. Worth driving fifty miles to the nearest store for "free"? You bet!

Might even check eBay for the Corvette again.

Newspaper Ad

Psychic Readings

"Full Life Reading - $25 off with this ad"

So.... how much for a Get A Life reading???

Tick Tickety Tock

No, it's not the Mayan Doom Calendar, it's the countdown to shop!!

I've done a much better job than imagined with my 'giving up shopping' experiment. Oh, sure, we've got enough groceries to last us to February 16th, but hey, there were no clothes or shoes bought. Or makeup. (there was the facial cleanser, with the $5 off coupon, a minor purchase to be sure). A few visits to the dollar store, but those were strictly food item purchases. Cashew pieces, anyone?

Thank God for the Internet. The online shopping can begin at 12:01. Hmmmm.... does the time change count? I recall hearing something about 2 a.m. being the official change over time or something. Oooh! An extra hour to shop. Hold on, United States economy, I'm coming to your rescue!!

Why So Quiet?

I Shop Not, Therefore I am Not!

Parking: Fail!

Punchy Paint!

http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2009/10/22/automobiles/autospecial2/20091022-colors-ss_index.html



Check out the slideshow of cool car colors! Even magenta can't save a Fiesta, however.

Hey, That Was My Idea!

What's up With Gas Prices??

I mean, way up! Like twenty cents since last week. Some undeclared war I haven't caught whiff of yet? Some punishment for my lack of shopping? Which is going quite well, by the way, thanks for asking. I still haven't bought anything other than groceries and a pair of glasses. That was totally tied to the eye doctor appointment date, I'll have you know.

Still planning on using the $5 Ulta coupon, but there's a whole pile of others slowly expiring over to my right. Let's see... Kohl's 15% off. Yawn. No biggie. Express $20 off a $60 purchase. Naw. Not interested. DSW 30% off a single full priced item. Is anything in there full price? Nothing I've ever purchased, that's for sure. Looks like a trick. No thanks. More alarming, however, is the fact that I have earned 0 bonus points this quarter. Wow. They'll be in Chapter 9 West soon.

Happy Reptile Awareness Day, Everyone!!

It's a real thing, honest.

Fra-turtle-twins?

The Symbol All is Not Lost?

Seems ol' Dan Brown can take a deep breath now - his publisher may not be asking for that obscene advance back after all. The Lost Symbol posted sales of about two million print copies in the first few weeks, and may have boosted other books along with it.

Personally, I was surprised that the reviews on the book were not as horrible as I expected. I felt Da Vinci Code was a page-turner, but not great literature. Awaiting scathing reviews, I was a bit disappointed. Then I cracked the code!

Publishing has been in such a downslide that really bad reviews could have meant several forests had died in vain - the book had a supposed five million press run; which frequently is an inflated figure designed to convey the importance of a title, but still!

Obviously it might be a bit much to expect reviews to kill a title; sometimes public opinion runs counter to any expert assessment, but I truly think the industry didn't want to take any chances. Journals assigned 'softball' reviewers to the title, ones that would give it a positive spin, thereby helping sales in whatever way they could. I don't mean to imply these places were paid off by the publishers, but rather did it to help the industry overall. (One reviewer went so far as to list some faults, then quickly dismiss them as the 'book's guilty pleasures'.)

Most reviews I read seemed to stress the adventure aspect as worth any literary shortcomings and were anxious to acknowledge their opinion wouldn't mean anything, the book would sell anyway, no matter what.

I love books, and I hope publishing rebounds from the recession renewed and ready to reach new heights. I wish they'd stop throwing money at illiterates with soapboxes and publish some of my incisive work, but that's another story.

I certainly do plan on reading Lost Symbol so I can reach my own conclusions. It's just that there's a lot of drug-addled celebrities competing for my attention.

Bean Better

U.S. Rep. Melissa Bean was supposed to make an appearance in Hoffman Estates yesterday morning to stress the prevention of H1N1 swine flu -- but had to cancel* because her daughter got sick with...

wait for it...

swine flu.

(Which leads me to wonder why male lawmakers never cancel their pro-life speeches on days their mistresses are getting abortions. You know it happens.)

Algore-a-saurus

Global Warming and the Dinosaurs: Fossil Discoveries at the Poles

Description:
Dinosaurs are usually pictured in warm, tropical environments, but fossils found at the poles are filling in the gap of knowledge about how and where these creatures lived. Evidence from bones and teeth to trackways and skin impressions raises important questions: How did dinosaurs cope with three months of total darkness in winter? What plants grew in the polar regions? How cold was it? What are the implications for today, as glaciers retreat, ice shelves melt, and permafrost thaws? The polar regions are a unique "library" of the past, and Caroline Arnold introduces readers to the gigantic prehistoric creatures that inhabited them.

For Whom the Mall Tolls

Still haven't shopped. Few groceries here and there, but even that category has lessened. Not getting much support from Al. Seems he is not impressed by the time frame. Only a month? Like what, he thought I was going to swear off shopping FOREVER???? Does he not think total economic ruin is on the horizon by November 15th if I don't break the streak? Let's see now, I'm a little over a third through the challenge and doing better than expected. Turned down a few 'free shipping' offers online today. Still sitting on the $5 off Ulta coupon. Will definitely make an exception for that, just need to do so judiciously. Hope to get that credit card bill down this month, that's for sure.

Triskaidekamania!!

Shopping Exception #943

Worth being shopertunistic.




Does it count as shopping if you return it in 59 days??

Frustrated that many shoppers won't even consider its cars, General Motors says starting Monday, buyers of new GM models can bring them back within 60 days, no questions asked, and get back the price of the car.*

*Something tells me there's a hefty "restocking fee". I can't be the only one thinking about driving a Grand Sport for two months free.

But Who's Playing the Horse????

A movie about Secretariat, the thoroughbred who won the Triple Crown in 1973, has begun filming in Kentucky. Diane Lane is portraying Secretariat owner Penny Chenery, and John Malkovich is trainer Lucien Laurin. Randall Wallace, who directed "We Were Soldiers," is directing. A fall 2010 release is expected.

X

Day Ten

Numbness in extremities from not toting heavy packages, glassy eyes unaccustomed to not being asked to read the fine print on coupons, feet that haven’t tried on new footwear in over a fortnight… still, I soldier on.

Edgar Allen Post

Check out Answer Girl's post about the 160th anniversary of the death of Edgar Allen Poe.

Nevermore shall I be so ignorant.

Reasons Why

October 7, 2009 -- It is well known that driving a cab is a dangerous thing to do. But a new study says it ranks in the top 10 hazardous occupations in the country, and in Chicago, more than a fifth of all drivers have been physically attacked.

Day Seven

No ill effects to report at this time. The month is young.

Successful (Anti) Shopping Soirée

Popped in to the local Evil Mart after work and did a wonderful job of staying on task and almost exclusively on list. I only went down the food aisles and didn’t even buy and junk food. In fact, the only impulse buy was a pound of frozen salmon. I resisted the urge to purchase a celebrity mag on the way out and was able to pay cash for my paltry purchases.

My next mission is to visit the health club should the urge arise to shop again this week.

Of course, I’ve thought of another category of allowable purchases. I like to call it the Law of Scarcity.


Emergency Shopping Scenario #4


Me: Um, how much is that?

Leprechaun: Why, it’s your lucky day! Crystal here is only seven magic beans.

Me: Well, I’m really not in the market this month…

Leprechaun: She’s a wonderfully tame Unicorn, broke for riding. Make a nice conversation piece out grazing on your lawn.

Me: I’m pretty sure I could wait…

Leprechaun: Today only I’ll throw in a Pegasus free!

Me: Sold!!

Happens all the time. In fairy tales.

I Still Have a Chance!!

At bargain basement prices, too!

LAS VEGAS, Nevada (AFP) – A 66-million-old Tyrannosaurus Rex named Samson failed to sell at a Las Vegas auction after the top bid of 3.6 million dollars fell way below the minimum price.

... Samson, which is a little less well preserved, was one of 17 dinosaur and fossil items which failed to sell Saturday, in a sign of the depressed economy.

Day Four

No problem today. Too busy with other mundane matters to even consider shopping. I will need to grocery shop tomorrow, and that could potentially be a minefield, as I enjoy the mega-mart stores that offer clothes, tires, cosmetics, etc. in addition to food. Am I even allowed to enjoy food shopping? Perhaps I should just buy stuff I hate. Like vegetables.

I’ve thought up another ‘exception’ to the shopping rule. A shopping trip instigated by a girlfriend I haven’t seen in a while. Or maybe, never even met…

Emergency Shopping Situation #3

Telephone: Ring! Ring!

Me: Hello?

Voice: Please hold for the First Lady of the United States.

Me: Wha?

Michelle: Good Morning, this is Michelle Obama calling. I just wanted to invite you to a shopping trip down the Magnificent Mile with me this weekend. The girls and I are going to be in town visiting some relatives and we thought you would be just the person to accompany us to look for some holiday outfits to wear for the annual White House Christmas special. Oh, I do hope you’ll be free.

Me: Um, well, see…

Michelle: Did I mention Carla Bruni is flying in too? She’d love to meet you. You’re one of her fashion idols, you know.

Like I should pass that up.

Just a Teeny Bit Challenging

Day two passed without notice, but Day Three has been a little harder. Besieged by coupons and distracted by a Lucky magazine, I struggle slightly to stay the course. Most offers can be deleted without a second thought, or tossed right into the trash with other junk mail. But wait, Ulta decides to play dirty. No less than four days after redeeming a “$3.50 off any purchase $10 or more” coupon there (a transaction in which I did a spectacular job of barely meeting the minimum in order to maximize the discount as close to the allowable 35% as possible, I might add) here comes an even better offer! This one promises $5 off a ten dollar purchase. Hmmm. NO WAY can I pass that up. I look at the expiration date: October 24. Hmmm. I tuck it away. That’s late in the challenge. And facial cleanser is a necessity. Can’t walk around with a dirty face. I decide to delay a decision until another day. I tuck it in my coupon folder. I should clean it out, but that just might lead to some forgotten little gem about to expire. As aforementioned, you never know when a Defcon 4 ESS could arise…

Emergency Shopping Scenario #2

Robber with Gun: Hands in the air! This is a hold-up!

Me: I’ll say.

Robber: Quick! Open that register and give me all your
cash.

Clerk: I-I-I-I can’t! It’s locked. You have to have a
transaction to open the till.

Me: Do I have to do everything here?
(heavy sigh) Ok, here’s my $10 off any shoe purchase.

I’d like to see those, those, and those in a size six. And I fully expect double points for averting a disaster.

Entirely possible.

I’ve decided to start a list of the things I would like to buy. Perhaps that will allow some time for introspection and allow for a cooler head to prevail. Plus, I really like making lists. At the top of my list is a military jacket. I see Banana Republic is advertising one for $170. This is at least four times what I would normally spend, but I may find at the end of the month I have surplus cash equaling the GNP of Chad, so I’m not ruling anything out. Or, perhaps I won’t even feel the urge to buy any more clothes. I can save up for meaningful, lasting things like a new Corvette, or a dinosaur.

So what do you think? Will I emerge having taken the Master Card off my back? Or will it be one huge Coupon Carnival when it’s all over?

Feathers! Half-off.

I Don't Get No Respect

Actual Conversation

Me: I’ve decided to give up gratuitous shopping for one month.

Mom: Why only one month? There are people going to bed hungry every night.

Me: That’s my problem?

Mom: You were always like that. You always thought ‘share’ was a singer.

Me: Very funny. I know darn well it’s a Ukrainian word meaning ‘less for me’.

We Now Interrupt the NIMBY Party

For this important news break! Let the 1000m excuse relay begin!

NOlympics!!!!!!!!!!!

For a Shot at My Own Show? You Betcha!

FYI: am totally impressed with the way Letterman handled this and wish other politicians would have done so as well.


I'm talkin' to YOU Bill Clinton!

The NOtober Challenge

My name is Getalife and I am a shopaholic. I am powerless over the sway of a sale or the temptation of designer knock-offs sold out of a van. Consumerism is my religion, and I worship the Goddess BOGO at the altar of Clearance. I never met a coupon I didn’t like. I have had to leave many a mall by running at the dropping metal gate and rolling under burdened with bulging bags before being separated from my vehicle until the next morning. Shoes are a sacrament. Semi-Annual sales are spiritual. I have been to the Mall of America because it is a haj. I face Woodfield three times a day and give thanks that I live within easy commute of the largest square footage of retail on the planet.

Like most belief systems, my Consumerism needs a time of atonement. Reflection. Sacrifice of the self for the betterment of the soul.* Many religions require fasting, prayer, or the ‘giving up’ of some little worldly delight to strengthen one’s resolve and deepen one’s faith. I, my friends, intend to give up recreational shopping.

Swear off shopping?! Can I do it? If so, for how long? Minutes? Hours? What qualifies? What doesn’t? These questions and more need to be explored over the next month as I attempt to curb the consumerism.

First off, why a month with 31 days? Wouldn’t February be the natural choice? Short, crappy weather… Several reasons. Obviously, I’ve been meaning to do this for quite some time, so procrastinating more months is really a lame excuse. Secondly, I have no idea how long I could realistically go with out blowing it anyways, so if I’m only going to make it two days, it might as well be the next two vs. February first and second. Thirdly, let’s not go all crazy and miss birthday coupons, now shall we?? (Although the resulting “March Madness” would suddenly have a meaning I could embrace.)

I’ve attempted this exercise in various permutations before, usually by just limiting certain categories. Example: no clothes purchases. Accessories and shoes are fine, just no outerwear or lingerie. This method has worked, and I have made it for one month. This time I’ll try to limit all categories, and see where I fail. This could help me do break out months; i.e. no jewelry July, no make-up May… oh, we’d be looking at a sad Shoeless-tember.

Right now, I see the biggest obstacle as Coupon Cold Turkey. In my world, letting a coupon expire is a misdemeanor. Not something to be taken lightly. Can common sense triumph over cents off? Do I not secretly harbor a dark desire to flush a killer coupon out with this method? One that was so incredibly fantastic that it would be a sin not to redeem it??

A.A. advises their adherents to remove all alcohol from their houses. Destroy temptation. Make a clean start. This would most likely be the best course of action. I should throw away every offer and coupon I receive (and, oh, do I get them. Retailers are not dumb.) immediately. Don’t even read them. That way, I won’t know what I’m missing out on. Or not . What if I really, really needed one? It wouldn’t hurt to have them with me, as I always do. I just wouldn’t act on them. But what if?

I mean a true ESS – Emergency Shopping Situation could arise…

Terrified Woman: Is there a doctor in the house? My husband is bleeding to death!

GAL: I just happen to have a coupon for a free tourniquet with lip gloss purchase…

Terrified Woman: Please! Yes, please, for the love of God, I need the tourniquet.

GAL: Well, I guess it’s an emergency. I really should break my vow.

Terrified Woman: Now! Now!

GAL: Hang on. Hang on. Now which is better against my skin, the Pucker Up Peach or Shiny Strawberry?

It could happen.

* Ok, in my case, that’s spelled sole

An Economy Down at the Heels?

Stock tip of the Day: Sell Your Argentinian Leather Futures!

Dear U.S. Economy,

I wanted to help you out. Really, I did. But for the first time in since never, I really haven't seen THE fall boot I can't live without. Sure, my closet is stuffed full of thousands of ankle and knee high choices, but lusting after a new boot is a right of the Autumnal Solstice. Is the peep-toe booty the best you can do? Does it come in Python? I'd like something over the knee in a Snow Leopard print. Could you do that much for me, retailers of America?

Thank You,

Consummate Consumer

What Gets Dug Up in the Dakotas...

Never stays in the Dakotas.

Museums and high-rolling natural history buffs will get a crack at buying a fossilized Tyrannosaurus rex next month at a Las Vegas Strip auction.

Yes!!

I need a winning lottery ticket!

I missed out on Sue, and I don't' want to miss Samson. My foyer needs a conversation piece.

Experts say the 170 bones discovered about 17 years ago in South Dakota represent more than half the skeleton of a 40-foot-long, 7.5 ton dinosaur that lived 66 million years ago. Discovered? Poached? Appropriated? Stolen by the U.S. Government? Can't wait to find out.

Auctioneer Bonhams & Butterfields is hoping that bids for the T. rex dubbed "Samson" will top
$6 million when it is sold Oct. 3 at the Venetian in Las Vegas.
A similar T. rex fossil sold in 1997 for $8.3 million and is now housed at the Field Museum in Chicago. That dinosaur, named "Sue," is 42 feet long and has more than 200 fossilized bones.
Tom Lindgren, a natural history specialist for Bonhams & Butterfields, said "Samson" is the third most complete T. rex skeleton ever discovered, and one of only 42 specimens discovered in the last 100 years with more than 10 percent of the bones.

"This represents the pinnacle of paleontology," Lindgren told The Associated Press on Friday.
"Most of the major museums in the world have casts of T. rexes," as opposed to the real thing, he said. "Bidding on this T. rex is not going to be a gamble, it's going to be the opportunity of a lifetime to whoever gets it." And will look great in my living room!

The female dinosaur's lower jaw was found by the son of a rancher in 1987 and the rest of its bones were excavated in 1992, Lindgren said. It was sold twice to private owners, and is now owned by an American whom Lindgren wouldn't name. Sam Zell? Donald Trump? Bernie Madoff? Bill Gates? No, he's still solvent.

Lindgren said most of the dinosaur's bones have been stored in a warehouse and have never been on exhibit privately or publicly. He would not say how much its current owner invested in it, but said it is more than the $6 million to $8 million he estimates it will sell for. Their loss is my gain. Didn't even have to get cold or dusty digging it up. Win-Win!

Lindgren said the estimate is conservative, in part because it is already mounted on a custom steel frame designed for museum display and scientific study. Or placement in a private residence. Party ready!

"Sue" was sold unmounted in 1997, he said. The Field Museum put it on display in 2000.
Lindgren said factors that could drive down the price include the economy. He also said the owner who wants to sell the dinosaur as soon as possible, leaving potential bidders scrambling to quickly come up with the money. If only...

Lindgren said private bidders are welcome, but he and its owners want to see "Samson" end up at a museum or scientific institution, studied further and put on public display. After my death.

The T. rex is being sold along with 41 other lots of museum-ready pieces, including a 28-foot duck-billed dinosaur skeleton and a 7-foot fossil shark. The collection will be on public preview for two weeks before the auction. Fossil shark? Sounds nice for the rec room.

Along with the T. rex skeleton's mounted bones, hundreds of bone fragments in plastic bags and bins could help scientists piece together more of "Samson" -- if they are willing to invest potentially thousands of hours. No problem. I have several friends who love jigsaw puzzles and natural history.

"If a museum buys this, they can afford to sit there and over a period of time, put the pieces together," Lindgren said. "It could take years to put the rest of the bone fragments together."

Wish I'd Said That!

"I'm a Jehovah's Bystander.

I think there might be a God, but I don't wan to get involved."

Kinky Friedman

iMPLODE-A-PHONE

Gosh, honey, of course I wanted to call you, but did you really want me to take the chance of putting my i out?

Reports are coming in from France, the Netherlands, and the UK of iPhones and iPod Touches blowing up in people's faces, and the European Commission has launched an investigation into the matter.

Can't wait till they are banned from aircraft as explosive devices. Detonate! Yes, there's an app for that!

Post With a Porpoise

Caution: objects in photo more vindictive than they appear

Allecyn Edwards sued the Chicago Zoological Society and the zoo because she claims they "recklessly and willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water at the spectators in the stands making the floor wet and slippery," "failed to provide warnings of the slippery floor" and "failed to provide mats ... when the staff knew the floor would get wet and slippery," among other negligent acts, according to the complaint.

On Aug. 20, 2008, Edwards was walking along the floor near bleachers at the dolphin exhibit and fell, the suit says. The injuries from the fall caused her to lose wages, incur medical expenses and experience physical and mental suffering, the suit says.



(enjoy comments here)



Allecyn: (Sobbing) It was horrible, your honor. The dolphin was just laughing at me! Eeeeeh! Eeeeh! Eheee! With that big smirk!!



Judge Judy: And what were you doing right before the fall?



Allecyn: Texting my boyfriend.


Judge Judy: I'm sorry, but I find for the defendant. There's not enough proof they did it on porpoise.

Allecyn: I knew it! I just knew you'd believe those lyin' Belugas. All those fish are in on the conspiracy!

Judge Judy: Actually, they're Marine Mammals.

Allecyn: Oh, so now they're veterans?

What if the zoo loses? Do they serve the offending dolphin in the food court? Lose a bunch of penguins? Fill the tank with sand for a safety-grip surface? Bottom Line: the only one making a splash is the law firm of Munday & Nathan.

Actual Conversation on the Eve of our Eighteenth

Me: I thought we might celebrate, so I put some champagne in the fridge.

Al: Go ahead, open it.

Me: Naaaaa... Looks like we're going to make it to our anniversary.

Blog Days of Summer

You Thought I Was Nuts??

Then you haven't met Koopa, the paint-ing turtle...

Truvia Love

Liked the Truvia!

Great texture, fantastic sweetening.

Now, to find a steady source of (stealth) supply...

Helloooo.... Where is the Corvette???

Ten Cars That Men Can't Resist

Three days dead, I'd be resisting the Cube...

Things I Wouldn't Be Caught Driving

Top Ten Cars that Won't Snag You a Man

Stevia Nicks

Truvia or Consequences?

Stole my first packet of Truvia today! I had heard about the product and wanted to taste it for myself, but never bothered to look for it at a store. Then all of a sudden, (sweet n') Lo and Behold, there it was on the restaurant table! Two packets made a sudden break for my purse. Could this new sweetener replace Splenda in my heart? Or Equal in my liver?

Read this excellent opinion on why I should be skeptical of the whole situation: Is Truvia a Safe Alternative to Sugar? Conspiracy! Evil Government Agencies! Coca-Cola!

Use Sparingly

Ate a teeny bit of five of the "8 Foods You Should Eat Every Day". Yay for me. That's an additional hour or two tacked on my lifespan.

Oats - Walnuts - Oatmeal at Starbucks +20 Minutes
Grande Mild Roast with 1/2 + 1/2 & 2 Splenda - 35 minutes

Mixed Green Salad with Spinach, Tomatoes and Carrots +40 minutes
Slathered with Honey Mustard Dressing - 15 minutes

To be fair, we also must count: Candy at work, Diet Coke, a good handful of Pringles...

I'll be gone by the end of the week.

Time to Fire That Marketing Department

Now far be it from me to find a coupon I didn't like, but "Save up to 15%" at Babies R Us??

Honestly, people. It's called Market Research and Targeted Mailings. Try it some time.

Julyuary

So as you can see from the previous post, I've been way too depressed to write anything this month.

I'm now the proud owner of a $1300 Whirlpool Duet that the repairman swears is the only thing he would recommend. (For his fiscal health?) It better Du it, that's all I've got to say on the topic.

Couple that with the coldest, wettest July on record, and you've got one cranky blogger who has done nothing but swear at Dish TV (why can't I get it to Single Mode? Is that too much to ask??) and eat carbs and sweets. Not a good summer, that's for sure.

I haven't got anything pleasant to say today. But that's not what you come here for anyway, now is it? Let's just say any universal health care plan for Americans should include therapy. Retail therapy, that is.

Even getting a free scone today didn't cheer me up all that much. Finally bought those awesome turtle shoes (pictures to be posted at a later date) on sale, and it's been too icky to wear them yet.

Just found a nifty list of "Eight Foods you should eat every day". What a great idea. I have three of them in the house now. Soon as I finish these Limited Edition Coconut M&Ms *
Yeah, right. The good foods? Let's see... Spinach. Yogurt. Tomatoes. Carrots. Blueberries. Walnuts. Oats. Now if I could remove all other foods from the house and just stock those... I'd be hitchhiking to the nearest KFC.

To add insult to all this injury, I had the opportunity to meet the sexiest writer on earth - and my lousy cell phone cam is so hideous; like two pixels per square inch, that I can't even put a picture in a frame to brag about. He's high def in person, trust me. I feel like Ulysses. The Gods smiled upon me, but prevented me from bragging about it. Great. Just what I needed, some crappy Life Lesson in Humility. Whatever.

Evil Developers now want to turn a scenic rural road near my house into a four lane Highway to the Hell of Rampant Growth, and despite logical residential opposition to their eminent domain seizure (politely termed 'right of way' as in get right out of our way, here comes the bulldozer serfs) it will probably happen. Who needs oak trees?

That's all for now. I'll be back with a new batch of gripes. You wait and see.


*It's a sad day when you have to ask a candy to be your friend on Facebook. I'm not there. Yet.

Actual Conversation

Me: Thank you for coming right away! Here's my washing machine. It won't spin.

Repairman: Oh. It's a Maytag. How old is it?

Me: Only nine years.

Repairman: That's a lot longer than most people get.

Me: What?

Repairman: It would cost over $700 to fix. Cheaper to buy a new one.

Me: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The There is No Justice Department

NC State student Joseph Carnevale, the vigilante artist behind the traffic barrel monster, has been sentenced to 50 hours of community service because of his "crime."

Monoblog

LAKE BUENA VISTA, Fla. — Officials at Walt Disney World Resort were investigating what caused the first fatal accident in the 38-year history of the park's Monorail, a one-time symbol of founder Walt Disney's vision for future transportation.

Two of the monorail's trains collided early Sunday in the park's Magic Kingdom section, killing one of the train's operators, emergency officials said.

Text messages sent by the operators:

This iz such a Mickey Mouse job

LOL! UR Goofy!

I'm just sayin', let Shelbyville have the monorail.

Only a Celebrity...

Would be pissed that another celebrity had the audacity to die on the same day...

Best 'O the Bankrupt

From the Corvette Museum of America:

JD Power Results are in and Corvette was ranked the Best GM Model! The Chevy Corvette score came in at 71 PPH (problems per hundred), placing it at the top of the pack for all GM models.

This score is an improvement of 21 points over last year’s score of 92 PPH. In addition, Corvette came in at the top of its segment – beating Porsche by 1 PPH. We appreciate the hard work of the Corvette Team and look forward to seeing more great American Sports Cars!

Should I be excited about being the best of a failing lineup? Top of a segment -high end sports cars - known for the worst repair records? Beating the at-least-double priced Porsche by a hair?

At least it was a big improvement for the model in general over last year. I wonder if this ranking is for 2008 models, or what. I need to find out which ones to stay away from.

Am I the only one?

...Who thinks Jobs is secretly turning himself into a Cyborg??

Mr. Jobs’s transplant, but not the location of the hospital or the details of his treatment, has been confirmed by people briefed on the matter by current and former Apple board members. Mr. Jobs has declined to comment.

Or possibly: New this Christmas for the alcoholic on your list, the iLiver!

One Track Blog

Just had to add a little something to the Rockford crash detailed below. Did you note the story where it says Chicago Northwestern train officials knew about the water on the tracks 21 minutes before the crash? (Here)

Now, granted, it takes a long time and distance to 'stop a speeding freight train' but, .... how long does it take to text the engineer??? Since we've already established their fondness for the medium, I think it's a fair question.

"OMG! H2O on track. EOL-LOL!"

Like how long does that take???

Amtrak the Way to Really Fly (Off the Tracks)

Hmmm... seems to be a spate of train derailments as of late, wouldn't you agree?

Friday, this fiery crash not too far from my humble abode...

After severe storms, a train hydroplanes, er, hydro-trains off the tracks and the ethanol cargo explodes, killing one and seriously injuring nine*. (I want to be dead rather than experience chemical burns. This is hideous.)

Officials evacuate the area. Not nearly a large enough area, but no one ever admits this. Or that going back to walk on your grass, have your dog lick up puddles or the residue on your roof will kill you from neurological problems a few years from now. But hey, we appreciated all the help on 9/11 and of course humans can still live there. No worries! A big cloud floated over to my house and rained on the vegetable garden today. Carcinogenic carrot, anyone?

But why were people evacuated by staff? Didn't the city just purchase a slick new warning system with three tones: Cover Ears, Panic, and Ignore???

Winnebago County Sheriff Dick Meyers said the new outdoor-warning siren system, which features a chemical spill alert, was not activated for two reasons: The system, first tested June 2, was too new for people to know the difference between the tornado warning and the chemical spill warning, and the area evacuated was too concentrated.

Meyers said officials briefly debated turning on one or two sirens in the area using the chemical spill warning but dismissed the idea after realizing that residents would hear the siren from 3 miles away and maybe more if a second siren had to be sounded. Because officials only wanted to evacuate homes within a half-mile of the explosion, they decided to use the county’s reverse 911 calling system instead and send fire personnel door to door.

Excuse me? Only half a mile? Everyone else, just breathe shallow.

The county installed 73 outdoor emergency-warning sirens this spring for $2.67 million in an effort to warn people who are outside (away from television, radio or computer news or weather alerts) of an imminent emergency, such as a tornado, chemical spill or terrorist attack.

The county is in the process of testing the system and educating county residents on what to do when they hear the different alarms.

Cover Ears, Panic, or Ignore. Got it. I know! Make the alarm sound like the threat. Tornado - Wind Tunnel Sound. Chemical Spill - Old Man Hacking Up Lung. Terrorist Attack - Sound of ripping paper as the Constitution and Geneva Convention are Shredded.

*that's just the human toll. Click here for the suspected fish fatalities. That we're hearing about.

Bottom Line: the "Investigation" will take up to a year. You mean the cover up? Really, they moved faster than that in the New Mexico desert.

Just for laughs, click here and read the blurb. The comments are priceless! It's nice to know there are people like me out there.

Next up is the DC Transit crash tonight.

Officials had no explanation for the accident. The National Transportation Safety Board took charge of the investigation and sent a team to the site. DC police and the FBI also had investigators at the scene to help search the wreckage for any overlooked injured or dead passengers and evidence.

The only reason they don't have an explanation is because the Bush Administration is no longer in power. We'd know who to think was to blame and where we needed to send troops by now.

Monday's crash was the third major subway or commuter rail crash in a big city in the past nine months. In the earlier accidents:

• In September 2008, a commuter rail train and a freight train crashed in Los Angeles, killing 25 people. The crash was blamed on an engineer on the commuter rail sending text messages on a cell phone.

• Last month about 50 people were injured in Boston when one trolley rear-ended another. The conductor admitted to sending a text message when the crash occurred.

Sounds to me as if the Metro engineer was Twittering his support to Iranians. Or their dissatisfaction with the last American Idol outcome. One of those.

Hello, Hollywood?

I'd like to sign Mel Gibson for Night at the Holocaust Museum...

Read This Post Or I'll Kill a Kitten

Ah, yes. As I languish here in obscurity (No thanks to YOU - how many people have you referred to this site?) there are some bloggers who are getting rich and (in)famous.

Read all about it here: Blogger's baby was a hoax
Woman captivates thousands in anti-abortion movement with false story of difficult pregnancy

The unmarried mother's story about giving birth to a child diagnosed as terminally ill in the womb hit a major nerve on the Internet.

Every night for the last two months, thousands of abortion opponents across the nation logged on to a blog run by the suburban Chicago woman who identified herself only as "B" or "April's Mom."

People said they prayed that God would save her pregnancy. They e-mailed her photos of their children dressed in pink, bought campaign T-shirts, shared tales of personal heartache and redemption, and sent letters and gifts to an Oak Lawn P.O. box in support.

As more and more people were drawn to her compelling tale, eager advertisers were lining up. And established parenting Web sites that oppose abortion were promoting her blog -- which included biblical quotes, anti-abortion messages and a soundtrack of inspirational Christian pop songs.

By Sunday night, when "April's Mom" claimed to have given birth to her "miracle baby" -- blogging that April Rose had survived a home birth only to die hours later -- her Web site had nearly a million hits.

There was only one problem with the unfolding tragedy: None of it was true.


Hey, give the people what they want. A cause. Heart tugs. But most of all, a chance to click here and lower your mortgage rate!!

Wish I'd Said That!

"Earlier today, President Obama spoke at a town hall meeting in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah, half of the Wisconsin crowd had never seen an African-American, and the other half had never seen a skinny person." --Conan O'Brien

"President Obama is proposing a new national healthcare plan that's both inexpensive and accessible. He's calling it Have Your Surgery In Mexico." --Jimmy Fallon

President Obama says he wants to create a national healthcare plan that's both affordable and easy to use. In response, the insurance industry says they'll fight the plan with congressmen who are both affordable and easy to use." --Conan O'Brien

Where Do I Put the Ugly Couch?

Of Course Al Reads this Blog...

Car-B-Que

Sob! I can't call this Auto Abuse, since the owner didn't do anything

to cause this horrific fire that took the carbon fiber body and V12 life out of

this $2 million dollar McLaren F1 super car.

Please join me in a moment of silence.

Now pass the marshmallows, please.

Place Your Bets!

Yes, I love Calvin Borel and he certainly deserves his own private little Triple Crown, but I have no sentiment towards Mine That Bird. Besides, he's the favorite. So for a little excitement I've placed the following bets:

$4 to win on #3 - Mr. Hot Stuff - I love Edgar Prado

$2 to win on #2 Dunkirk - Pletcher and Velazquez

$2 Exacta Box on #6 Charitable Man & #10 Brave Victory - What the hay! If these two come in, I might be rich.

Victoria's Secret Feline Mutant Ninja Kitties

OK, I think this is a hoax, but for the sake of argument, let's assume that it is not.

Am I the only one seeing the end of Western civilization here?


While some think the bony limbs may be a mutation of some kind — or even a Siamese twin growing inside the cat — others speculate it's a genetic change perhaps caused by chemicals ingested by the kitty's mother while she was pregnant.

Strange as the case may sound, winged felines are not unheard of. Back in August 2008, the U.K. Telegraph reported that tomcats in China's Sichuan province developed wing-like growths on their backs.

Veterinary experts said then that despite the hard inner core, the "wings" don't harm cats' quality of life or safety. According to the Telegraph's report, scientists believe the appendages developed due to grooming habits, a genetic defect or a hereditary skin condition.

Hellooo... howclose is North Korea and it's nuclear testing??? Or, as one astute observer pointed out - perhaps the cats have just evolved to look less tasty.