It's All About the Shoes

Harry Potter and the Blatant Babe Promotion

Check out this post over at The Illuminated Dungeon! It seems Hollywood has finally recognized the real reason Harry Potter movie tickets are sold - Alan Rickman!!

Oh, and I'm sure my cease-and-desist order from AP is in the Cybermail...

Fingernail Friendly!

Look, it's a really long story, and you're not even going to believe major portions of it, but here goes...

Awhile back I had been hearing about how great a deal you could get on a car, since the Big Three were in the throws of bankruptcy, so I did one of those 'find this car' types of Internet engine searches. Specifically, I was seeking an Atomic Orange Corvette Convertible. One hitch - I want a manual transmission. After quite a bit of searching, I did find one - less than 50 miles from my house. Skeptical, I sent an email asking if the car existed. They claimed to have it, but also had 'no haggle pricing'. I don't care for that set-up, but instead use their price to go someplace else and shoot for less than their price so I can feel like I've received a 'deal'. Whatever.

Anyhoo...

Saturday, Al suggests going to this car dealership so we can look at the Vette and he can check out some trucks. He needs a new car desperately. Sad to say, his last Chevy Silverado only lasted ten years, and not because of neglect. He took very good care of it and it has over 200K miles on it, but a rear quarter panel is starting to rust and funny clicking noises are now the norm from the dashboard.

Fine. I agree to go, especially due to the huge outlet mall next to the car place and down the street from the Jelly Belly Factory. At least a bag of belly flops will make the trip worth my while.

Al looks at every truck carefully outside with the salesman while I whimper inside due to lake winds. At the end a a few hours, I ask if he is going to test drive anything. Yes, he says. The Vette.

What? I thought I was here for moral support in the purchase of a pickup.

The Vette is lolling like a house cat in a corner of the tiled showroom, it's bright orange exterior nicely complemented by the "Cashmere" tan upholstery. The doors are so easy to open - a little button - none of the manicure-wrecking chrome torture devices found on my '68. Once in, the car is rather spartan, but far beyond my vintage (read: pre-Nader) experience.

Since it's freezing out, and hearing the interior cabin noise with the top up would be a good opportunity, we ask that the roof be raised. This suddenly entails four clueless sales people looking for the automatic top button. They aren't really listening to us experts regarding the fact this one doesn't come with that feature. Soon all are milling around, looking under seats and behind the steering column; one has the manual in hand (need I note that was the woman?) I lean over to Al and state: I can't wait until we have to bring it back here for service...

Finally, a button is located to pop the top up. Again, this is so much better than carving my hands raw as I do presently on old metal levers teeming with lockjaw. The only real objection I had to the whole car is it seemed difficult to get the top secured down on the front windshield. There was a handle, but it was unwieldy, and I'd really like to see an electric model in motion for comparison.

Al went first, said he heard some wind noise and felt the wind pushing against the car. I have no idea, as on my test drive I was too busy hitting 75 on the expressway while trying to figure out if I was still in third gear. The gears are incredibly tight and I seemed to hang too much on the clutch in first - something a little practice would take care of, but upsetting when you aren't feeling smooth. Overall, very comfortable. I could see long trips in this car.

Trunk space? Non-existent. Golf clubs? Try a putter and one sleeve of golf balls. Shopping? Four shoes. One dress. Nothing bulky from the Megalomart, like cases of soda or laundry baskets.

Bottom Line: a good deal. Original MSRP: $57,500 No Haggle Price because we can't get rid of an '08 and it's well into '09: $44,815. Hmmmm.

Al is like ready to buy the car. Starts talking details with Mr. Salesman. Whoa. Excuse me? Aren't you the one telling me your tech job may evaporate any second now? What happened to the truck? I think that wind noise you heard were actually the Sirens...

As my artist friend observed, it was like a Freaky Friday scenario: there was someone losing all perspective in a new car showroom and it wasn't me! It was him! Yes, that's right, I was the lone voice of reason standing next to a sports car. Spooky.

Did I mention the polished aluminum wheels?

Knute is So Cute...

I just wanted to go swimming with him...

An amateur video shows zookeepers in Berlin trying to drag a woman from the water after she supposedly jumped into a polar bear exhibit.

Amazingly, Americans have not yet cornered the market on 'idiot'...

Onlookers said the polar bears playfully tugged her while she tried to escape. The woman suffered bites to her arms and legs.

Other news reports described the attack as 'brutal' - after viewing the video, I'll go with playful. In the way only a thousand-pound wild predator can be.

Workers distracted the bears by throwing meat and pushing them away with sticks. The woman was treated at a nearby hospital.

Why? It was 'feeding time'. Dead fish gets dull pretty quick, and zoos seem to have some strange issue about keeping the seals and penguins in separate enclosures, so what's a massive carnivore to do?

It's unclear how the woman got in the water, but a witness said she just jumped in.

Perhaps it was part of an Animal Enrichment program. Caged animals get quite bored and can suffer stress. This was the coolest thing they had seen in quite some time. They'd like to welcome their new playmate back soon. Tell those guys with the pesky poles and life preservers to stay home next time.

Collecting Animosity

Nothing wholesome here! Looks more like a Bond Girl.
Specializing in miniature horses?

Specializing in wealthy sheiks? Is that a tiny mint julep in her hand?

Would this bitch stay home already? She's already made me insecure as a Corvette owner and Veterinary school dropout, and now she has to show up at the Kentucky Derby?

As the owner of the winning horse, I'm sure.

Moral: If you have impossible proportions made of plastic, the world is your oyster.

Hmmmm....

I see Blogger has a new feature - you can decide how to display pay-per-click ads on your blog.

So - does anyone know how this works? Have you used ads in the past or are you currently seeking revenue from your blog? Do you get to pick advertisers?

I mean, what if my blog was VeganTimes sponsored by Oscar Meyer or KFC? Do advertisers get to pick you?

In other words, if I say... had a blog... and on that blog... were some personal anecdotes... about my experiences with a certain appliance company... and if said company signed up for Google Ads... and they didn't READ any of the blogs in question... would users potentially come to a landing page all about how MAYTAG SUCKS... and then there was a little picture of the Maytag Repairman on the sidebar asking you click here... and my readers were every bit as sarcastic as myself and clicked it...

Could I get a revenue check from MAYTAG? For outwitting them???

Just wondering. Oh, if you're keeping score, this blog isn't even in the top 25 hits on Yahoo! or Google for Maytag Sucks. That's how many other sites are out there saying the same thing.

Jurassic Easter

It's all fun and games until someone eats the cellophane grass...

Bo Knows

Where the bodies are drowned

Helloooo.... Am I the only one finding the irony in Ted "Chappaquiddick" Kennedy raising dogs trained to act as couriers from ship to shore??

Bo is very cute. However, he's no First Lizard. By the way, are you buying any of that 'second chance' shaggy dog story? Supposedly Bo was previously owned, but relinquished. Yeah, by a Washington insider who puppy-sat for a month as the Obama's got ready to announce the dog on Easter for a feel-good photo-op. That way the President could get the good press of a 'rescue dog' rather than admitting "I'm really powerful, and people will trip over themselves giving me rare puppies to curry favor."

Air Force One - Cadillac One - Piddle One?

Am I the Only One?

Enrolling in Basic Korean at the community college??

Why Did the Turtle (Unsuccessfully) Cross the Road?

Because the evil developer was too cheap to dig an underpass.

A sign is not going to work!!

Seems McHenry County officials think putting up a few "Turtle Crossing" signs is somehow going to save the lives of endangered Blanding's turtles. Read the whole article here.

The marsh, home to the state's second largest colony of Blanding's turtles, is part of a 250-acre nature preserve that abuts Algonquin Road, where traffic zooms by at 40 m.p.h.The turtles prefer laying their eggs on dry ground up to a mile away from water, and their homing instinct tells them to return to their birth area to build their nests.Before development, it was an easy trip. Now, strip malls, subdivisions and roads can make it deadly, which is one reason officials said they will soon be elevated to the state's endangered species list.

Letting them get run over is not the way to move them to the endangered species list. Why not dig a tunnel beneath the road for them? This should have been required when the development plans were approved.

When a developer built a strip mall nearby four years ago, he had to ensure artificial nesting sites were built in the preserve to try to keep the turtles away from the traffic. But some still tried to plod across the road, so when the county widened it to four lanes two years ago, the state asked it to post the "Turtle Crossing" signs.

So now what? Dig the tunnel. Erect Turtle Toll Booths to charge each car a nickel. That way, the toll isn't oppressive and the tunnel will be paid for slowly...like the turtles. Also, no open road tolling. Everyone must sloooww down for the booth.

Points to Ponder

Majoring in Eligibility?


Why is it when they put up a college athlete's stats on the screen, Grade Point Average is not included? I think I have a right to know who's getting an A in Remedial Art History, Rope Jumping for Beginners, or Shaterisims, Season Two.

Two Out of Three Ain't Bad...

Why on earth three Derby prep races had to be held on the exact same day, I'm not quite sure, but I successfully selected two winners.

At Santa Anita news of The Pamplemousse's scratch caused me to select Baffert's colt, Pioneerof the Nile.

Normally, I would penalize any pick that was in such blatant disregard to the rules of grammar, but, hey, can't argue with Baffert's skill. I was vindicated.

In an interesting aside, the number two horse was named Chocolate Candy and owned by weight-loss mogul Jenny Craig. No word on whether she would have ate the horse if it performed poorly. (Low Carb! Mmmm!)

I hope The Pamplemousse gets better. I understand he had a sore leg and was unable to run. Railbirds seem to think Pioneerof The Nile is 'learning how to run' and I'll be the first to admit he ran an awful race, despite winning. I interpret it not as immaturity, but rather a willingness to listen - he was in the lead, pulled back, and then urged forward and maintained the lead for the win. It was a strange race that just didn't go the way the jockey and trainer wished it to, yet he won. But the immaturity angle has a solid basis, he's much younger than the other horses and supposedly lost two teeth in the race! Awww... baby teeth. How cute. Glad he didn't choke on them or something.

In the Illinois Derby, I kind of liked Al Khali (Plecher), but it was Musket Man for the win. Really, though, can I trust ANYTHING that takes place near Cicero, IL?? Not really.

But over at the Wood Memorial, great things were happening, and I wish NBC had televised that one as featured instead of Santa Anita. One glance at the card and I had picked my horse based soley on his name: I Want Revenge. I mean, really, how could you not bet on that? Only after a closer inspection did I learn of his great pedigree and home: the same stable that owned Big Brown. I Want Revenge had a tough race and came back from a slow break to penetrate a wall of horses at the end for the win. I was very impressed, and right now he's my Derby pick. Amazingly enough, he lost his first six races but flourished when he was moved from a synthethic track to an old-fashioned dirt surface.

Seems the jury is still out on whether synthetic surfaces reduce injury. I'll be watching for more data as it develops. I want to get over to Arlington more this year, but at the rate the weather is going, I will never see sunshine, much less pull my Vette out of the garage. Right now? April fifth? Big snowstorm. I hate the Midwest. Is there a little anti-heart symbol for that??

I Want a Derby Victory!

Club Med(ical attention needed)

Still going to the health club. Still not seeing results!! (I mean one Pixie... that should work off easily, right?)

Attending diligently, despite the fact the place is so germy I think SARS goes there for Spring Break.

For starters, I hate the parking. If I wanted to walk long distances in the cold fresh air I wouldn't be paying you people, now would I?? The parking spaces are too narrow. I'm sick and tired of businesses thinking they can cram in extra parking by making each space teensy weensy. SUV's are huge, people! The 'general public' has no parking skills and even less regard for how wide they swing their car doors.

I go in and request "my" locker. They don't have enough to actually rent them out, it's get issued a key at the door and take potluck. Ew. I got stuck in a moldy creepy corner with a bunch of wet toddlers exactly once before I started getting assertive at check-in. I pointedly ask for a locker on the end so I can cringe away from the hubbub. I take one of their threadbare washcloths they are trying to pass off as "towels" and brace myself for the petri dish that is the women's changing area. Who puts indoor-outdoor carpeting in a locker room? Is that the most unsanitary thing you have ever heard? Forty gallons of chlorine bleach couldn't help this place. Yick.

Wednesdays are Kick Boxing night. Participants are exhorted to punch at their own noses as reflected on the wall of mirrors at the front of the room. Perfect for the self-loathing narcissist like myself!

An announcement is made that the Friday Yoga Class is now moving to 5:30 a.m. Yes, I heard that correctly. Five-Thirty A. M. .... Like how is that relaxing? Am I allowed sleep on a mat Thursday night in the multi-purpose room?? Because that's the only way I'm getting there that early, that's for sure. Namaste must secretly mean "weed out the wimps".

On the way out I noticed a closed-circuit TV behind the desk. Four views of various areas of the club were broadcast simultaneously. "What's that," I ask. "The Klutz Cam? So you can see if someone falls?"

I imagine the call over the loudspeaker now: "Potential Lawsuit on Racquetball Court, Stat!"

It troubles me no cameras are pointing at any thing important. Like my car.

New Rykas!

I may still be the klutziest one in aerobic class, but I now have the cutest shoes!
Isn't that what really matters?

Highly Recommended!

Tortoise Torturer Sentenced, but Supporters Threaten Revenge

How sick is this?

Jose "Tony" Mosqueda, who was 18 at the time of his arrest, pleaded no contest in September and was sentenced on Nov 5, 2007 to 270 days in jail and five years probation for felony animal cruelty. Mosqueda was prohibited from owning or having access to pets. His jail will be reduced for time served -- 110 days -- and good behavior -- another 55 days.Prosecutors said Mosqueda snatched the 40-pound African spurred tortoise from a back yard on July 7, slashed its legs and neck, punctured its shell and threw it against a wall.The tortoise survived, and Mosqueda was also ordered to pay $5,400 in veterinary bills and other associated costs of treatment.

Meanwhile, the family who owns the tortoise says their pain continues, and the ordeal has been particularly hard on a 12-year-old autistic boy who was making great strides in his development before the vicious attack. The boy's mother, Dorothy Sullivan, said the tortoise, named Bob, was her son's lifeline "out of the silent world of autism," KNBC's Chuck Henry reported."Bob brought out my son's speech, and allowed him to interact with the world," Sullivan said. "Since Bob's attack, my son has struggled; he has regressed tremendously."

Sullivan also claims the family has been threatened, and she says the family's dachshund was poisoned because she refused to drop the charges against Mosqueda. Police said they were continuing to investigate.

"We have received death threats, and I was told [my son and I] would 'Get one in the head if we did not drop the charges'... " Sullivan said. "I have had to put my son in therapy, and his seizures have returned. He had been seizure-free for a year prior to this event. After years of working with my son, he was having his best year. [But] ... now my son is afraid that he will be taken and harmed. It is difficult for an autistic child to trust enough to leave the silent world of autism, and my son had finally emerged into our world. Now we have to fight to keep him from going silent again."

Some People Love Turtles

Paterson, USA - Members of a Buddhist sect bought hundreds of eels, frogs and turtles and set them free in the Passaic River, hoping they would survive in the once-polluted stream and realize their karmic potential.

The act did nothing for the karma of the state Department of Environmental Protection, which said the Amitabha Buddhists did not have a permit and may be subject to fines up to $1,000. Permits are required for releasing critters into the wild, and New Jersey is reluctant to issue them for anything beyond stocking fish ponds because of concern that nonnative species could harm the local ecosystem.

"We're dead-set against it," DEP biologist Mark Boriek told the Herald News of West Paterson. "It's even illegal to stock any kind of carp or goldfish in New Jersey in a place with an inlet or outlet." The Passaic has been cleaned up in recent years and Boriek said the animals released Sunday might have a chance of survival.

Authorities said they had not found members of the New York-based Buddhist group yet, but the newspaper said it talked to one member, Ann Chin. She said their intent was save the animals, bought in New York's Chinatown, that had been destined for dinner tables. "When I pass by the fish market, I cry," Chin said. "I tell people: 'Stop killing them.' Then: 'Don't eat them.' Then your heart goes to mercy."

Thou Shalt Not Suffer a Turtle Killer to Live

There's disturbing, and then there's this article which will keep me up nights, well, forever.

So of course, I'm compelled to share it with you. Your reaction may vary, but I think you'll understand the part that bothers me! To bring you up to speed, a Wilmette man named Wiley killed his second wife and stepson on February 28. He then spent a day or so composing a 43 page manifesto of hurts and observations before turning the gun on himself.

His wife Kathy was a employee and member at the First Presbyterian church next door. And yes, she knew all about those pesky fifteen years her new husband spent in prison for stabbing his first wife 23 times. But she married him three months after release, claiming she could handle anything that came their way.

Wiley used a Civil War replica rifle his stepson loved to use in historical reenactments for the human killings. (I'm surprised a bit that it was a working firearm - do they shoot blanks at events?) But wait. The loss of a seriously-look-on-the-sunny-side-type of woman and her Boy Scout volunteer son is only part of the tragedy. There's more...

The rambling 43-page suicide note left by a man who killed his wife and teenage stepson last month in their Wilmette home is peppered with self-pity over his broken ankle, treatment for bipolar disorder and what he described as a crumbling marriage."I could not fight off the suicide dreams," wrote Richard Wiley, 54, who police say murdered his wife Kathryn Wiley-Motes, 50, and her son Christopher Motes, 17, on the afternoon of Feb. 28, and killed himself the following evening. (To see a page of the letter click HERE.)

Wiley also described how he killed the family's turtle, three cats, four small birds, and a parrot and wrote, "Our little loved ones could not be trusted to anyone else."He told police where they could find the animals' bodies, along with those of his wife and stepson.In some ways, Wiley seemed more upset about killing the pets than his wife and stepson."She looked at me when I caught her with a knowing look," he wrote of a cat. "When I stabbed her she looked again. This one hurt me deeply."

Sicko. Can you just imagine the little terrapin trying to run away? Sniff. I have to go now. This is too upsetting!

Auto Abuse!! Repeat Offender!

FT. LAUDERDALE -- A Porsche apparently involved in a fatal hit-and-run accident that made headlines in Florida and England belongs to the son of a wealthy Chicago-area family, authorities said today. Police said the sports car, which they believed mowed down two British tourists as it raced along State Road A1A on Feb. 13, belonged to Ryan LeVin, a Hoffman Estates man who is heir to the Jewels by Park Lane fortune. LeVin, 34, said he was not behind the wheel that night.

Witnesses called 911 minutes before the two businessmen were struck to report that a Porsche appeared to be racing another light-colored sports car along Seabreeze Boulevard.The Porsche jumped the curb, cutting the men down from behind, within 50 yards of the Courtyard by Marriott hotel, police said.LeVin's damaged Porsche 911 Turbo was found abandoned less than an hour later on the northbound ramp of Interstate Highway 595 to Interstate 95.

Cook County court records show that LeVin was sentenced to 30 months' probation in November 2007 after leading Chicago police on a high-speed pursuit in a blue 2001 Porsche Targa. Police estimated he reached speeds of 100 m.p.h. during the July 31, 2006, chase, and he struck several vehicles and injured a police officer and two motorists, according to police reports.After the Chicago chase, police found cocaine in LeVin's car, according to court records. He initially was charged with seven felonies and ultimately pleaded guilty to one of them: aggravated fleeing.

Illinois: Land O' Graft

Sounds Like a Deal to Me...

NEW ORLEANS — A Louisiana woman is accused of trading two young children in her care for a pet cockatoo and $175 cash from a couple who had been trying for years to have their own child, authorities said Thursday.

The transaction for the 5-year-old boy and the 4-year-old girl was negotiated by phone after Greenwell spotted a flier posted at a livestock barn selling a cockatoo for $1,500 and called the Romeros on Feb. 18, Dupre said.

Surprised? I'm Not

Maytag Corp. of Newton, Iowa, is recalling about 1.6 million refrigerators due to an electrical failure in the relay — the component that turns on the refrigerator’s compressor — that can cause overheating and pose a serious fire hazard. What's a few flames between friends??

Maytag has received 41 reports of refrigerator relay ignition, including 16 reports of property damage ranging from smoke damage to extensive kitchen damage. Try more like HUNDREDS of reports before they would do anything. These 41 are just from people with lawyers and airtight cases. The other several hundred could be dismissed as "consumer negligence". I mean, who leaves an appliance plugged in all the time? You should unplug it when you leave the house. To get the mail.

The recall includes certain Maytag, Jenn-Air, Amana, Admiral, Magic Chef, Performa by Maytag and Crosley brand side-by-side and top-freezer refrigerators.


Moral of the story: Maytag sucks harder than an open door on the space shuttle.

Oh, I Can So Relate!

PHILADELPHIA - A man enraged by a noisy family sitting near him in a movie theater on Christmas night shot the father of the family in the arm, police said.
James Joseph Cialella, 29, of Philadelphia, told the man's family to be quiet, then threw popcorn at the man's son, police said. The victim told police that Cialella was walking toward his family when he stood up and was shot.

Hey, he just wanted a Silent Night. Is that too much to ask? A jury of MY peers would never convict this guy. I think he should get three years probation - and a Netflix account.

Dream Job

I love fossils! I'm obsessively clean. I'd love to clean Sue the Tyrannosaur at the Field Museum!

Happy Ending

The nightly news gave this story a large segment. It seems 67 dogs were stacked (some in birdcages) in a West Englewood home.

The camera did a slow pan of all these tiny Chihuahua and other toy-breed puppies... stopping at a snake tank, where a lone (rat?) snake looked for an escape. Immediately, as a snake lover, I wanted to adopt that poor serpent stuck amid the squalor. Then I thought for a moment... hmmm... lots of puppies. One snake. No mention of rats.... Wonder what our slithery little friend has been eating lately?? Would he turn up his tongue at "real" snake food?

Fortunately, the story has a happy ending. You'll note a local herpetologist stepped forward and took the snake. A pack of dog lovers has descended on the shelter to take in the other victims.

Anniversaries of Note

Anniversaries of Note:

Very Hungry Caterpillar - 40 years old

You don't look a day over metamorphosis

Sponge Bob - ten years old Time to put him in the microwave

Dilbert - 20 years of working in a cubicle

Ummmmm....

Could Contend!

After reading this fantastic review, the new Volkswagen CC could be a contender for my next new car purchase.

It's Almost May(tag)

This cartoonist has been reading my blog…

Maytag sucks! Maytag sucks!
Maytag sucks! Maytag sucks!

Painting Themselves Into a Corner

From WGN News:

The Chicago Park District Board this afternoon unanimously approved a 50 percent increase to the Art Institute admission fee.

The 6-0 vote means the fee will rise to $18 from $12 on May 23. (To see a comparison of museums' ticket costs click HERE.)

"We recognize how difficult the economic situation is now for everybody," Meredith Mack, the museum's deputy director and chief operating officer, said this morning as she explained the proposed fee increase to the Committee on Programs and Recreation.

"There is no good time to introduce an admission increase," she said, explaining the raised fee "is essential to allow us to uphold our mission and serve the community."


It's now cheaper to get in the Louvre. Great. But could they add Child-free Wednesdays? NOOOOOOOO!!!! You want me to pay? Give me something of value. It always costs extra for the special exhibits to begin with, and now I have to finance your expansion? Sad to say, families will spend the money at the Multiplex for Monsters 3D and not take their kids to an art museum. Except for the days I attend, of course. You would think the 'cultured' parents would have better-behaved tykes, but they don't.

Man Robs Credit Union, Dies in Crash

Where to begin with this one??

Harvard police officers arrived at the credit union, 1200 S. Division St., about 9:10 a.m. and saw a Toyota Prius driven by Menk leaving a business that was closed at the time, Kazy-Garey said.
Kazy-Garey said police officers tried to stop the vehicle, but Menk failed to pull over and fled.
The vehicle then crashed into a tree just north of 2513 Route 23. Harvard Fire Protection District crews were dispatched to the scene about 9:15 a.m.
Menk was killed in the crash, the McHenry County Coroner’s Office confirmed.

A) the police in this small town have a strangely convenient reputation for 'dead perpetrators'.
B) Check out the comments to the news story! They've taken some of my best material for comments, such as: Who would use a Prius as a getaway car?, the observation that the tree-hugger was done in by a tree, and Goin' Green for the Green!


I guess I really don't have more to add. Just thought you'd enjoy this.

Team Stephen!!!

Whoo Hoo! A literary cat fight. The best kind!

Seems Stephen King has made the oh-so-obvious observations that JK Rowling is truly a great writer while Stephenie Meyer is... well, merely popular. I'm sure Steph is crying all the way to the bank. Right after making a vampire voodoo doll of King. (I've heard tell she's quite a diva. I've also heard Stephen is the most regular guy you'd love to share a beer with)

Links:

Yahoo EOnline

I'm Just a No Book Wonder

Here's an excellent Op-Ed piece from the Timothy Egan in the NYT that really captures how I feel about slaving over a cold blog while some idiots make millions.

Excerpts:

The unlicensed pipe fitter known as Joe the Plumber is out with a book this month, just as the last seconds on his 15 minutes are slipping away. I have a question for Joe: Do you want me to fix your leaky toilet?

I didn’t think so. And I don’t want you writing books. Not when too many good novelists remain unpublished. Not when too many extraordinary histories remain unread. Not when too many riveting memoirs are kicked back at authors after 10 years of toil. Not when voices in Iran, North Korea or China struggle to get past a censor’s gate.

Joe, a k a Samuel J. Wurzelbacher, was no good as a citizen, having failed to pay his full share of taxes, no good as a plumber, not being fully credentialed, and not even any good as a faux American icon.

With a résumé full of failure, he now thinks he can join the profession of Mark Twain, George Orwell and Joan Didion.

Next up may be Sarah Palin, who is said to be worth nearly $7 million if she can place her thoughts between covers. Publishers: with all the grim news of layoffs and staff cuts at the venerable houses of American letters, can we set some ground rules for these hard times? Anyone who abuses the English language on such a regular basis should not be paid to put words in print.

Most of the writers I know work every day, in obscurity and close to poverty, trying to say one thing well and true. Day in, day out, they labor to find their voice, to learn their trade, to understand nuance and pace. And then, facing a sea of rejections, they hear about something like Barbara Bush’s dog getting a book deal.

Writing is hard, even for the best wordsmiths. Ernest Hemingway said the most frightening thing he ever encountered was “a blank sheet of paper.” And Winston Churchill called the act of writing a book “a horrible, exhaustive struggle, like a long bout of painful illness.”

Not disgusted yet? How about this?

(Excerpt)

It’s official: The book world has gone crazy. Here we are, a few weeks after some of the darkest days in publishing—both in layoffs and in actual sales—and along comes the newly revamped HarperCollins imprint William Morrow to give more than $3 million to Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, the admittedly genius pilot who saved 155 lives by landing USAirways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River in January. Yes, Sully’s a bona fide hero, and after hearing his testimony in Washington about the conditions pilots work under, I believe a grateful nation owes him a big payday.

But wait: The crazy part is that the Sullenberger deal was for two books. The first will be a memoir, and the second is a collection of Sully’s inspirational poems. Who knew that next to the heart of a hero lurked the soul of a poet?

This is the kind of book deal a publisher makes in order both to make a balance sheet work—the $3.2 million goes down on two different lines, for two different titles, and thus each book “only” has to earn back half of the total—and also to humor a would-be author or, in this case, poet. (And make no mistake, if William Morrow had not signed up the second book, many other publishers would have, just to get Sully’s memoir.)

The auction, conducted by Texas-based agent Jan Miller, was a hot one, with many publishers bidding. What better way to sweeten the pot for an aspiring author—who, as a HarperCollins editor told Crain’s, “has more substance than most people getting their 15 minutes of fame”—than to grant his fondest wish? (Miller could not be reached for comment and a spokeswoman for William Morrow could not confirm that the second book will be poetry.)

But the rest of BookLand doesn’t have this pandering rationale to blame for some of the nutty deals that have gone down in the last few weeks. $2.5 million to comedian Kathy Griffin? (Who, with that advance, goes from Hollywood’s D-List to publishing’s A-list.)

Poetry? Please. I'm very surprised it wasn't a children's book. Have you ever met a grandparent that didn't have a children's book they couldn't wait to publish? Illustrated by their daughter? I haven't .

My favorite observation on the Sully book deal came from KaneCitizen. He predicts the book will be a runway bestseller.

Back With Some Posts

Sorry I haven't posted in so long - a certain somebody has been tying up the computer as of late. That would be AL, the same guy who left two used Kleenexes on the desk here. Yuck. Between work projects and my yet-to-be-delivered Christmas gift of digital recording of the TV on our PC, Al has had the computer in use the past few weekends. I decided to take a day off work and see if I can catch up around here a bit.

Here's something sad: Watched Super eat himself to death yesterday. It was awful. I had moved him to a larger tank with two female Bettas. Usually, I wouldn't keep a male in with the females, as they could get aggressive and pick on them to the point of killing them, but Super was not the most robust fish as of late, and seemed mild enough to get along.

For about a week, things went swimmingly. No problems, everyone happy. Then for some reason I gave out the pelleted food for a change of pace. Three fish, four or five pellets. Simple. Until Super decided he had to eat ALL the pellets, all at once. Why? Suddenly some competition thing kick in? Afraid he wouldn't get anything to eat? I never noticed a problem with the flakes. Everyone seemed to get their share. Strange. The directions said "Do not feed more than fish will eat in two minutes". It said nothing about "Fish will eat to bursting. Do not exceed one pellet." Perhaps I have a lawsuit?

About thirty seconds later, Super hit the bottom of the bowl and passed away. Weird. The females don't act like this at all...

#1: Oh, look, food at the surface.
#2 You go ahead, I'm watching my scales.
#1 No, really, you first. These fins make me look fat.
#2 Is that a low-carb pellet? I'll wait for a flake.
#1 I think it's shrimp, but where's the sauce?

Happy Birthday, Barbie!

Don't You Just Hate ...

People who look better drunk than you do sober?


Chicago Police busted busty brunette Playboy centerfold Crystal McCahill for driving her 2005 VW Passat through a red light, while drunk and mumbling incoherently.


Don't you make enough from a centerfold to buy a cool car???

Awwwwww!

Happy Square Root Day!

And stay tuned for Pi Day!


Make mine blueberry with vanilla ice cream. MMMMM!

So Shoe Me

At the health club tonight, my foot kept slipping on the step. I didn't think much of it until I got back to the locker room and took of my Avias and saw a the rubber heel was made of two pieces, and they have pulled apart.

Way to go! After only two years of health-club-only wear, the shoe falls apart. What's with that? Does no one practice craftsmanship any more? Take any pride in the product they produce? Some third-world fourteen-year-old working sixteen hour days had to go to the bathroom and deliver twins right when my shoe was coming down the line? Thanks tons. See if I buy this brand again.

Al suggested I take it back to the place I bought it. Great idea, if I could recall where that was. He considered a letter to the manufacturer, but most likely they would say they knew some of their defectives ended up at low-end stores on the Clearance rack, and, well, we all know that's where I shop, so not a plan.

I hope my other pair holds up better. For now, I'm having a Shoe-mergency. I actually need a pair! Has that happened before? Not often. I better start looking for a coupon now. I'll limp through KickBox tomorrow and hopefully can try and get out shopping Thursday or Friday.

Watch the video titled "The Office" here. It's staring ME!

Am I The Only One?

Whose entire 'retirement plan' consists of Bernie Madoff blinking out the number of a Swiss bank account to me during his trial??

My Funeral Will be Financed by a Coupon

Eleven. It's one more.

As mentioned in the post below, another five inches of snow and ice has kept me inside today. And yesterday, and the day before...

All I've done is drink beverages with artificial sweeteners and caffeine. I'm pretty sure my liver signed up on a donor list to get away from me when I wasn't looking. About the only thing positive I have to report is my recent encounter with some Walgreen's coupons.

First off, what's with the prefix Wal? Wall Drugs? Walgreen's. Wal-Mart? Must be an ancient druid syllable for evil.

Anyhoo... I'm no fan of Walgreen's, but when you send me a COUPON, well, that's just not a level playing field. I get this flyer in the mail offering me $3 off any purchase of $10 or more. Ambrosia! Coupons are catnip for my soul. How can I say no to almost 30% off if I play my cards right? Play them I did!

I have been wanting to buy some more Diet Coke, but the ungodly high prices at the grocery store have been deterring me. Some big caramel coloring shortage I'm not aware of? A case is now over seven dollars. I remember when it was under five...

Wow, Grandma, tell us more...

Well, this was before it was revealed that kola nut, caffeine, 7X, and lime combine to create a more brain-altering and addictive substance than methamphetamine; and just like the tobacco industry, the soda makers knew about it years earlier and covered up the deadly effects...

I tried a few off brands and found them to be just that - off. I'm not a Pepsi fan at all, so the more costly Coke is what I covet. What is it about products with phony 'secret recipes'?? I can't get enough of them. Coke. Kentucky Fried Chicken. Mmmmm!!! Eleven herbs and Carcinogens! Yum!*

So, due to the coupon, I decided to shop for soda. Score! They had three twelve-packs for eleven dollars, so that would give me the cost needed to invoke the coupon. I picked up both Diet and Diet With Lime and headed for the check out waving my coupon. After ringing me up, the little computer by the register began to print out those 'bonus coupons' based on your purchases. I didn't even know Walgreens did this! Lo and behold, a $2 coupon for anything two dollars or more!! Whee!!

After loading the soda in my trunk, I marched right back in for my 'second and separate visit'. I grabbed the People magazine with Rihanna on the cover. That brought the price in half! Then, when going through the magazine, I found a coupon for a FREE box of Milk Bones!!!

Score for the win!!!

*Motto: Trans-fat free since NEVER!

You Win, Weather

You win, Winter.

I am cold, pale, fat and depressed. I concede you are stronger than me and resistance is futile.

You will never go away and I now live in Narnia.

I hope you're happy. If you'll excuse me, I'm going back to the couch.

Your Home is Not a Zoo

Decidedly LESS fun than a barrel of monkeys

OK, can we all agree adolescent chimpanzees DO NOT make good pets?

And when the owner said it was a "Freak Accident", did you mentally add: "You're a freak, and there was a terrible accident"?

Will everyone reading this please promise not to give any of their animals Xanax?

How bad was it? The victim has no eyes, nose or jaw anymore. Medical personnel responding to the scene have received counseling. THAT's how bad it was. How sad for everyone.

STAMFORD, Conn. - Doctors say a Connecticut woman mauled by a 200-pound chimpanzee is making slight progress after more than seven hours of surgery by four teams of surgeons.Dr. Kevin Miller of Stamford Hospital says 55-year-old Charla Nash suffered extensive facial and hand injuries when she was attacked Monday. He says stabilizing her condition took more than seven hours of surgery. Nash was attended by hand specialists, plastic surgeons and specialists in orthopedics, ophthalmology and trauma. Miller says it's good that Nash has made some progress, but she has a long way to go. Nash was attacked by a 14-year-old domesticated chimpanzee owned by her friend, Sandra Herold of Stamford. Police shot and killed the chimp.
Earlier Wednesday, the owner of the domesticated chimpanzee backtracked on whether she gave the animal the anti-anxiety drug Xanax.
Sandra Herold told The Associated Press on Wednesday that she "never, ever" gave the drug to her 14-year-old chimp, Travis. However, Herold said in an interview aired Wednesday morning on NBC's "TODAY" show that she gave Travis the drug in some tea less than five minutes before he attacked Nash — she even showed a reporter the mug.

Who Hates Zoo??

The writers of the stimulus package, apparently...

"None of the funds appropriated or otherwise made available in this Act may be used by an State or local government, or any private entity, for any casino or other gambling establishment, aquarium, zoo, golf course, or swimming pool."

What?

A) I'm shocked rich white guys didn't make sure golf courses got a bailout. Low greens fees are expressly covered under 'pursuit of happiness by lying about my score".

B) Swimming pools are germ pits, so who cares?

C) Aquariums and Zoos are not Casinos!!!!

Some poor giraffe won't get his hay because you know darn well Grandma won't be giving up the Riverboat before taking the grand kids to the Zoo.

Guess what? Many U.S. zoos and aquariums were built 75 years ago as a result of Roosevelt's Works Progress Administration package. Now they badly need updating!

Somehow museums found their way into the funding... so where's the justice here? The language barring z&a mysteriously appeared last month in the final draft. Were they seen as a local attraction? Or just not worthy? Zoos are more than recreational activities, and loss of funding precisely when attendance may be down is disheartening.

Call on your Senators to fund these precious resources. I for one will not rest until "No Child Wednesdays" have been subsidized!!

Where's the 60s Muscle Car???

Check out Jalopnik's Ten Cars and the Type of Guys they Attract!


I used to want a Ferrari...

February Freeze

What everyday cars should look like...

As the auto industry is sinking, I won't be heading down to Chicago to shiver in long lines for a bagful of auto brochures of cars I have no intention of buying.

However, I was surprised to learn there was a Corvette Concept Car on display, one of the few reasons I might actually don thermal underwear. Seems GM has no intention of making this vehicle, which puts it right on par with every other concept car I've seen for the last twenty years. Instead, it's just a mock-up as a product placement in the new Transformers movie "Revenge of the Fallen". Yawn. How about a movie called "The Revenge of the Overly-Gas-Taxed"? You think zombies are scary? Wait until you see the entire population of Illinois after the proposed 19 cent gas-tax increase to bail out a failing Chicago Transportation System. I'd join the protest, but they cancelled the Free Trolleys.




And don't get me started on the Olympics!!!! Read about what happens to people who make waves here. This will be the biggest patronage project the world has ever seen, and I can only hope it is the final straw that brings Daley down.




Speaking of Zombies (and Raptors): lighten up, IDOT. This is good, clean, undead fun.

Let's All Meditate on the Green Lotus

From AutoBlog:

In spite of the large Dodge EV branding that was on this car when it first appeared last fall, it was obvious to all that it was simply a Lotus Europa. In spite of Chrysler's seemingly inexorable drive to insolvency in recent months, the engineers and designers in Auburn Hills have continued to try make the best use of the time they have left with a paycheck. The electric sports car now known as the Circuit EV has been the beneficiary of cross-hair nose job that is actually an improvement over the Lotus original. The tail has also been revamped and the plug socket has moved from the passenger side to the driver's side flank. The specs haven't changed so the Circuit is still a bit slower than a Tesla Roadster with a 0-60 time of under 5 seconds. The range is also estimated at 150-200 miles. It's anyone's guess what the real world range would be though since no one outside Chrysler or Lotus has thoroughly tested the Circuit yet. The other guess is whether Chrysler LLC will be around long enough to actually sell the Circuit to customers. Maybe we should start a pool to see which company will hold longer, Chrysler or Tesla?

What I want to know is: If you actually try to drive one of these cars like a sports car (i.e. punching it at a light to beat the guy in the next lane) would you get far less miles as it would sap the battery?? I see myself not being able to get home from work due to an ill-advised shootout with a Cobalt. Al says not to worry. My hard braking at stop signs will recharge it. At any rate, I'd love to own a Lotus and if it helped the environment, all the better.

Mixed Media

Sierpinski Valentine

Whew!

Well, we still have one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish over here, so it seems Daytona will make a full recovery.

Now I can spend my time worrying about animals in real peril -

The suffering survivors of the Australian wildfires.

You Betta Your Life

This is Super, not Daytona, but it's the only picture I had at the moment.

How do you apologize to a fish?

I may have killed poor little Daytona tonight, and I feel awful about it.



I was cleaning his (and Super's) tank in the laziest and most dangerous possible way - skimming off some of the water over the kitchen sink and planning to replace about 40% of it with fresh. Things were going fine until Daytona decided he DID want to leave with the old water and ended up stuck in the sink drain - sans strainer. I went from zero to Fishcon IV in 1/16th of a second, and had to grab him with my bare hands before he slipped down the drain of death.



He was obviously in bad shape, lolling on his side with blood red gills and Trout Almondine eyes. It was really creepy to see those little eyes at a 45-degree angle from his head. I thought he was gone for sure. Lacking Stress-Coat, I threw some salt in the water and hoped for the best.



He's a little better now. More vertical, calm. Dazed perhaps, in shock from all the excitement. I hope he makes it through the night.

Sounds Like My Bailout Will be North of $10K...

...These steps will put more money in the pockets of those Americans who are most likely to spend it*, and that will help break the cycle and get our economy moving.

* That would be ME.

GM, I'm waiting to hear from you!

The "Didn't Fly a Plane Into a Tower" Award

How to Survive the Recession

Clean out your garage!! (Click here to read about a $4 million-dollar-barn-find)

Happy Birthday, Alice!!

As always, I want to marry Vince, but honeymoon with Alice...